Someone slap me

[Hudson_Hawk]

I just had a serious Bridezilla moment and sent out an email I may regret.

Basically I asked my bridesmaids for info on when they were planning on coming into town for the wedding. They replied 1:00 on the day of the wedding. Wedding starts at 6, pictures start at 3:30 (extra time built into the schedule for the unknown). Here''s my response. Was I too harsh or too much of a baby about it? I feel like I''ve been so tolerant and I''ve let so much slide off my back over the past two years of wedding planning. I had just had enough.

Email text:


Girls I''m going to be honest with you here. 1:00 won''t work. We''re hoping to start pictures at 3:30 because I want to do the majority of them before the ceremony so we don''t have to cram them all in during the cocktail hour. It''s a holiday weekend and who knows what traffic will be like. I would prefer to not be running around trying to do everything and get ready at the last minute because of a traffic jam.

Maybe I''m being over sensitive here, but I''m hurt. When TJ and I decided to change our wedding plans we talked about scaling back the bridal party. I felt it was important to keep things the same because I had asked you all and I don''t think it''s right to uninvite anyone. When we changed the plans we did everything in our power to ensure that it was moved to a weekend that would work for all of you. I don''t know anyone who takes their friend''s schedules into consideration when planning a wedding, do you? However, in the months that followed it''s become clear that the wedding is a burden to you guys. I''ve tried to be as accommodating and laid back as I possibly can be. You all had your choice with dresses, the shower/batch party was in a place and time convenient to you guys. We''re not doing a rehersal/rehearsal dinner because I didn''t want you all to have to spend an extra night and pay for a hotel. I haven''t asked for help with any of the planning or been a bitch about flowers, hair, or anything else. I''ve even tried to ignore the fact that none of your husbands are coming, and following Erin''s wedding she dropped off the face of the earth and couldn''t come to the shower because she was on vacation.

Why did I do this? Because you guys are some of my closest friends and it was important for me to have you there with me. I wish you girls had just put your big girl panties on and had been honest and told me you couldn''t be in the bridal party instead of half-assing things in the eleventh hour.

I appreciate you all throwing me the shower, and I do understand that you have lives and families and the world doesn''t revolve around my wedding; however, I asked and you said yes. Now''s the time to follow through on that commitment. I mean, you guys are going to be MIA for most of the day leaving Penny and I to handle the set up and everything else by ourselves. I KNOW none of you will or would have tolerated that from your bridesmaids.

Vent over.

I would appreciate it if you could try and get to Providence as early as possible on the fifth.

 

[FrekeChild]

I think it was honest, and because they''ve totally sucked (from what I can tell) and it sounds like something I would write when the last piece of straw finally broke the camel''s back.

What happens if they bail altogether?

 

[princesss]

HH, I''m sorry you''re having a rough time. I probably would have lost it too if they''d said they''d be there at 1. How far away are they? Do they have small kids?

I think the part about scaling back the bridal party was a little

, but the rest just seemed honest.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/2/2009 4:36:28 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I think it was honest, and because they''ve totally sucked (from what I can tell) and it sounds like something I would write when the last piece of straw finally broke the camel''s back.


What happens if they bail altogether?

If they bail, they bail. Bridal party consists of the three of them and my sister-in-law/MOH/best friend. Grooms side consists of Fi''s best friend, my 2 brothers, and another friend who would have no problem either sitting out or hanging out as the third wheel. I could care less about having an uneven number.

The part about scaling back the party was honest as well and not meant to be hurtful or harsh. We went from a 150 person G-L to a 50 person G-L. I personally felt we should have had just a MOH/BM, but I had already asked the girls and i didn''t want to reneg on that because I thought it would be rude. As such, we bent over backwards to choose a day that worked for them all because we were concerned because we were changing the date as well as the location. We did everything we could to avoid undullay inconveniencing everyone at the risk of our own discomfort. And let me tell you, it''s MUCH better to have me pull this crap a month before the wedding when I have time to let it go than on the day of.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/2/2009 4:45:28 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 6/2/2009 4:36:28 PM

Author: FrekeChild

I think it was honest, and because they''ve totally sucked (from what I can tell) and it sounds like something I would write when the last piece of straw finally broke the camel''s back.



What happens if they bail altogether?

If they bail, they bail. Bridal party consists of the three of them and my sister-in-law/MOH/best friend. Grooms side consists of Fi''s best friend, my 2 brothers, and another friend who would have no problem either sitting out or hanging out as the third wheel. I could care less about having an uneven number.


The part about scaling back the party was honest as well and not meant to be hurtful or harsh. We went from a 150 person G-L to a 50 person G-L. I personally felt we should have had just a MOH/BM, but I had already asked the girls and i didn''t want to reneg on that because I thought it would be rude. As such, we bent over backwards to choose a day that worked for them all because we were concerned because we were changing the date as well as the location. We did everything we could to avoid undullay inconveniencing everyone at the risk of our own discomfort. And let me tell you, it''s MUCH better to have me pull this crap a month before the wedding when I have time to let it go than on the day of.

And two have 4 year olds who are staying at home with babysitters (one friend is flying in with the other and they''re driving down). It''s really just that they don''t want to spend the $$ for a hotel the night before. Which I totally understand. But seriously, I would be up at 4 am to get there early if I had to. This whole "we''re leaving around 8ish when we get up and we''ll be there at 1" just doesn''t fly with me.

 

[kama_s]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm......are you asking for honest opinions? I think the e-mail was a taadddd bit harsh, but I can understand how you're feeling - you're disappointed in them and their behavior has been awful. BUT, personally, I would've handled it by being firm and GIVING them a time you need them to be there for. Something like: "I'd prefer if you guys would make it to Providence by 10 am latest. See you guys soon!"

This way they don't have a choice but to be there for the time you've set, and it probably wouldn't bring any negative thoughts out, by you or by them. I feel like keeping energy positive it the most important (and hardest) thing I've had to do with this whole wedding planning. Ugh, people just really suck. I can't believe how much we've done for people over the years...only to be disappointed when it's our turn. I don't know if people are just generally ungrateful or self-centered...or both.

 

[Clairitek]

I think that you spoke your heart and mind and that if you didn''t let it all out you would be a mess come wedding day.

Personally, I think that 1 pm is DEFINITELY not early enough and they should make an effort to show up earlier. I am floored that they would leave it until that late. I''m sorry you''ve had a crappy time with your extended bridal party.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I dont think that was too much at all. I completely understand and would have been upset too!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Though I agree that 1PM seems late/cutting it close if hair/makeup needs to be done, yeah, you may have gone a little over to the dark side there.

Hope you feel less-stressed soon, HH.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 6/2/2009 4:51:23 PM
Author: kama_s
Hmmmmmmmmmmm......are you asking for honest opinions? I think the e-mail was a taadddd bit harsh, but I can understand how you''re feeling - you''re disappointed in them and their behavior has been awful. BUT, personally, I would''ve handled it by being firm and GIVING them a time you need them to be there for. Something like: ''I''d prefer if you guys would make it to Providence by 10 am latest. See you guys soon!''

This way they don''t have a choice but to be there for the time you''ve set, and it probably wouldn''t bring any negative thoughts out, by you or by them. I feel like keeping energy positive it the most important (and hardest) thing I''ve had to do with this whole wedding planning. Ugh, people just really suck. I can''t believe how much we''ve done for people over the years...only to be disappointed when it''s our turn. I don''t know if people are just generally ungrateful or self-centered...or both.

I do think it would have been best to have left all that unsaid at this point, but I do understand your frustration.

I thought the bride/bride''s family was responsible for providing accommodations for the bridesmaids??? I know I read that on one list, anyway.

 

[Lilac]

I think the email was a little harsh, but given what you''ve put up with from them and the time they intend on showing up, I think you had reason to be harsh. Hopefully they won''t be too offended. You never know - maybe it will knock some sense into them so maybe they''ll realize they haven''t been very supportive or helpful and they''ll do whatever they can from now till the wedding to help you and make this as easy as possible

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/2/2009 5:00:54 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 6/2/2009 4:51:23 PM

Author: kama_s

Hmmmmmmmmmmm......are you asking for honest opinions? I think the e-mail was a taadddd bit harsh, but I can understand how you''re feeling - you''re disappointed in them and their behavior has been awful. BUT, personally, I would''ve handled it by being firm and GIVING them a time you need them to be there for. Something like: ''I''d prefer if you guys would make it to Providence by 10 am latest. See you guys soon!''



This way they don''t have a choice but to be there for the time you''ve set, and it probably wouldn''t bring any negative thoughts out, by you or by them. I feel like keeping energy positive it the most important (and hardest) thing I''ve had to do with this whole wedding planning. Ugh, people just really suck. I can''t believe how much we''ve done for people over the years...only to be disappointed when it''s our turn. I don''t know if people are just generally ungrateful or self-centered...or both.

I do think it would have been best to have left all that unsaid at this point, but I do understand your frustration.


I thought the bride/bride''s family was responsible for providing accommodations for the bridesmaids??? I know I read that on one list, anyway.

Yea, that''s definitely not a rule in wedding planning. Haven, please excuse the gross etiquette blunder above and weigh in here. Then again, if we were following the wedding planning "rules," my parents would be footing the bill for a lovely 300 person Newport wedding with FI''s parents paying for the rehearsal dinner.

Yea, when you''re paying for it all yourself you learn to cut out the extras. Retaining the BMs was about sparing hurt feelings. I would never cut them because I couldn''t afford to put them up the night before, just like I would never cut them after asking them to be in the wedding.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 6/2/2009 5:00:54 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

I thought the bride/bride''s family was responsible for providing accommodations for the bridesmaids??? I know I read that on one list, anyway.

I don''t think that''s a hard and fast rule. If one agrees to be a BM, then they should be fully prepared to take on all associated costs. We''ve spent upwards of 1000$ for wedding parties we''ve been in.

 

[fieryred33143]

The email has already been sent (right?) so not much you can do at this point.

I think it would have been more effective to just say that 1PM would be too late and you''d like everyone in at X time instead and just leave it at that. When you need someone to do something (because I know this isn''t a matter of just wanting them there earlier, they need to be there earlier) you have to treat it like a business transaction. You don''t throw a bunch of negativity at them and then expect something in return. Usually what you do get is a bunch of negativity back (i.e. all of them bailing on the wedding). Plus, you''re going to need them to handle their stuff once they do arrive for the wedding and now all you''ll have is a bunch of bitter bridesmaids with mega attitudes.

Please know I''m not taking their side. They haven''t treated you fairly and I understand the frustration. But that''s just my perspective.

 

[decodelighted]

I'll come down on "harsh" ... because instead of *asking for what you want* ... you just vented about stuff that's already happened. Wrong fight, yanno? No one can change what HAS happened. They can only go forward. I don't think you can bully people or guilt people into behaving. Like "everything you've done is cr*p so why not be good now, huh?!"

You overreacted to this particular slight. If you want more help, want them there early -- then don't ask what time they FEEL like showing. That's just trouble. TELL them what you need help with, and what time you'd like them to be there. Forget about what people SHOULD do, or what YOU'D do ... it is what it is. Spell it all out at a first grade reading level & let the chips fall where they may.

Ooof -- big girl panties? Really?

ETA: Agree with Fiery -- you can't hate them into loving you ... or scold them into being happy, eager participants.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I understand totally. I wasn''t trying to be critical. I just realized that may be the reason they aren''t coming in the day before. I wouldn''t have realized pictures would begin at 3:30 for a 6:00 wedding, so I don''t necessarily think that they were being horribly unreasonable about getting there at 1:00. An email saying that "pictures will be at 3:30, so we''ll all need to be there by 11 am in time to get our hair and make-up done in time"...would have possibly been a better approach rather than asking them when they would arrive. Then if they replied back that they wouldn''t do that, I''d be mad.

(And heck, if the etiquette book says parents have to throw 300 person weddings in Newport, we''re in mighty big trouble!

)

 

[Gypsy]

I''m kinda with Deco on this.

The big girl pants was a bit much. And so was the "I don''t know anyone who plans their wedding around their friends schedules do you." It''s kinda like... get off the cross we need the wood. Ya know?

I think what the major problem is that you ASKED them in the first place to give you a time. Ya know? If you expect something just come out and say it. I wouldn''t have asked them at all. I would have sent them a note that said, Wedding day timeline: Bridesmaids please ariive at X by or before 10am. Etc.

You don''t expect something then ask people to read your mind, ya know? And if you are trying to get people to do something you don''t do it by insulting them.

SO I guess my feelings are going forward if you expect something state it that way. Not, "I kinda sorta want you to do this..." or "What works for you?" No. If you expect something to get done, state it that way, and with a please and thank you for politeness.

 

[allycat0303]

I have to agree with kama_s. I think it was a little bit harsh. Your wedding is only about a 1 month away, so I don''t think they are going to bail. Personally, I would have written to them I said, "I would like you all to be here at __ o''clock." Probably would have given 1 hour before I ACTUALLY wanted them there. It sounds to me as though you have been too accommodating, and that has built resentement inside of you (understandably). In any case, the email is sent, so there''s nothing to be done. Just wait to see what the responses are.

 

[Porridge]

I understand your frustrations HH, I don't think you're in the wrong at all for feeling the way you do.
I just don't see how that e-mail will create anything positive. That line about arranging it to suit their schedules, or keeping them in the bridal party - they didn't ask you to do that, they didn't make you. That was your decision so I don't think you have the right to resent that and to include it here where it has nothing to do with the current problem.

I think it might have been better to write it out, save it, and when you're feeling better again to just send a simple mail with clear instructions as to what you want.

But it's sent now, and really it's not that bad, so hopefully they'll buck up a bit. Don't worry - there are loads of people who do care very much about your wedding and it will be fabulous!

 

[musey]

As an outsider, my reaction to reading it was "I get where you're coming from." You're stressed, they're adding to your problems, etc. etc.

When I read it the first time through, though, I was trying to read it as one of the recipients... and to be honest, my reaction in that mindset wasn't the greatest. It certainly wasn't a diplomatic email, but I don't know that that was your goal. If your goal was to straighten them up with a bit of a guilt trip, then I think you will accomplish that... or, they will be upset and you'll have backlash.

I don't mean to criticize, because I can't say that my reaction would have been better (though I think I'm a bit more of a pushover so I may not have been brave enough to actually communicate my thoughts to my BM(s)), I am just letting you know how I read it when putting myself in the place of one of the offending BMs. Gypsy's right, ideally you would have given them a "last possible moment" arrival time and let them decide if they wanted to get there then or earlier, and later isn't an option.

I think that their reaction will depend entirely on their personalities... are they ones to admit when they've made mistakes, or do they get defensive? Do you have an extremely open/honest relationship with them, or do you guys put a bit of a nice mask around each other?


If I were in your situation, I'd probably send an email apologizing for the vent, that the stress is mounting and I didn't mean to take it out on them (just because that's how I would feel... if you don't feel this way, obviously no reason to lie). Then I'd say that I need them there by ______ at the latest, and that I really hope that works for them because we'll have logistical problems otherwise.

I think in all things scheduling-related, as the planner it's important to tell people when they need to be where, instead of asking them and hoping they'll intuit the right timeline. I had a LOAD of problems with this when I was a bridesmaid at a recent wedding.

 

[laughwithme]

In my opinion, was the email overly harsh considering how they have acted thus far? No. Will the email be persuasive enough to make them show up earlier than 1? No. In fact, I think you may have done yourself a disservice because now, I am worried about them either bailing one-by-one, bailing together, or showing up even later than 1pm, out of spite.

I do think the big girl panties comment was a bit over the top and unfortunately, one comment can cause the entire email to be over the top.

I feel bad for you, because I can certainly see why you are frustrated and I think your email said it well. I think a better approach may have been to call them individually to discuss it.

I hope things work out

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/2/2009 5:56:18 PM
Author: musey

If I were in your situation, I''d probably send an email apologizing for the vent, that the stress is mounting and I didn''t mean to take it out on them (just because that''s how I would feel... if you don''t feel this way, obviously no reason to lie). Then I''d say that I need them there by ______ at the latest, and that I really hope that works for them because we''ll have logistical problems otherwise.


I think in all things scheduling-related, as the planner it''s important to tell people when they need to be where, instead of asking them and hoping they''ll intuit the right timeline. I had a LOAD of problems with this when I was a bridesmaid at a recent wedding.

I''m with Musey-I think an apology email may be in order here...I totally understand how frustrated you are with these girls-but if they''ve been this ridiculous thus far I fear that they may get pissed with that email and act like 2nd graders and retaliate ya know?

Good luck hon-I hope you have a smashing day and they all show up on time.

 

[CellarDoor]

What exactly have they done that is so horrible? You really sent that email because they are planning on showing up at 1 instead of ten? Damn... I have to admit that if I were in a wedding party and the bride sent an email like that, I would be in contact with the rest of the wedding party to talk mad smack on her.

 

[Inanna]

I absolutely understand your frustration and IMHO your bridesmaids are being totally inconsiderate. Every time I''ve been a bridesmaid in an out of town wedding I''ve arrived the Thursday or Friday morning before the (Saturday) wedding.

However, I do think your email was harsh. The entire second and third paragraphs were unnecessary IMO. I do think an apology email to smooth things over would be a wise choice.

I''m also curious how you''d like your BM''s to change their plans at this point. You said two of them are flying in together and then driving to the location. If their flights are already booked and paid for, how can they change their travel plans without incurring major fees? It seems like this should have been discussed and coordinated with them much earlier. Also, would you REALLY, HONESTLY want them to get up at 4 am in the morning and look exhausted throughout your entire wedding day?

If their travel plans can still be changed, I would consider offering to pay for 1 night in a hotel room (which they can share) in exchange for them arriving the night before the wedding. I know it sucks, but this is the only peaceful solution I can think of.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Okay... Hmm... I'm responding before reading all the posts, but there are lots of responses... I'll include an ETA if need be

It sounded a bit harsh to me and perhaps more drawn out than it needed to be; ie: going into scaling back the party, big-girl panties, etc..

BUT

Is there more to the story we don't know? If they're continually bailing, ignoring e-mails, and KNEW that you wanted them in town sooner... then I think the contents of the e-mail were appropriate. Do you feel that they would have ignored an e-mail that simply said, "Okay, well, unfortunately 1:00 won't work. The latest any arrival should be is 11AM. I hope you understand why... give me a call if you have any questions."

Okay. Well. I should go read the other BIWs responses. My questions are probably already answered

ETA: Of course. I should have read the full thread first... Well, you can see how the majority of us have weighed in, but I want to add: DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS AND DON'T LET IT PUT A DAMPER ON YOUR WEDDING!!!! If you're feeling guilty or remorseful about the e-mail, send another or give the women a call and say, "Okay. I came on strong. I'm sorry for being so harsh, could have phrased it better- but I hope you understand my frustrations." If you no longer feel remorse- well, then, you don't. And that's that. And what comes of it, comes of it. Even if a "worst case scenario" plays out, you'll still have three awesome BMs. And hopefully your friendships with these other ladies, if you want them to, will still survive.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Ladies,
Thank you all for your responses. I still feel I was in-line writing the email. I''m sorry I didn''t voice my frustrations sooner so I could do so more gently, but I''m not sorry for what I said. Luckily my friends and I do have a very open and honest relationship. I received a response from the BM the email was LEAST meant for and she tore me a new one. But, like I said, the email was meant for her the least. However, she''s also the "spokesperson" of the group and would be pissed if I didn''t include her in the email which is why I did include her. I''ve since spoken with her on the phone and worked things out. She''s driving down earlier in the morning. I''ve also sent a follow up email, not apologizing, but clarifying my stand on the situation. I truly feel like I''ve given an inch and they''ve taken a mile. Repeatedly.

Cellardoor-I''m sorry, but who are you? You appear to be new and I don''t know you. I''m pretty offended by your comment. My bridesmaids are my good friends and they''re like family. You bicker and you make up but you still love each other. We don''t "talk mad smack" about each other. You must be a man because I don''t know any woman doesn''t understand what being a bridesmaid is about. It has nothing to do with showing up on time, getting your hair done, wearing a pretty dress, etc. It has to do with friendship and commitment.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 6/2/2009 8:14:41 PM
Author: Inanna
I absolutely understand your frustration and IMHO your bridesmaids are being totally inconsiderate. Every time I''ve been a bridesmaid in an out of town wedding I''ve arrived the Thursday or Friday morning before the (Saturday) wedding.


However, I do think your email was harsh. The entire second and third paragraphs were unnecessary IMO. I do think an apology email to smooth things over would be a wise choice.


I''m also curious how you''d like your BM''s to change their plans at this point. You said two of them are flying in together and then driving to the location. If their flights are already booked and paid for, how can they change their travel plans without incurring major fees? It seems like this should have been discussed and coordinated with them much earlier. Also, would you REALLY, HONESTLY want them to get up at 4 am in the morning and look exhausted throughout your entire wedding day?


If their travel plans can still be changed, I would consider offering to pay for 1 night in a hotel room (which they can share) in exchange for them arriving the night before the wedding. I know it sucks, but this is the only peaceful solution I can think of.

Inanna-BM#1 is flying to BM #2''s town on Saturday and they''re driving down together on Sunday. The question is, do they get up early on Saturday to beat traffic and get there early, or do they take their time, leave around 8-9 and mosey on down not knowing the traffic situation? And yes, I would get up at 4am-and I have for several weddings in the past. Not to mention BM #3 lives in Boston which is 3/4 of the way here. There''s no reason why they have to get a hotel the night before, they could stay with BM#3.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Well, it''s hard to evaluate your email not knowing what conversations or emails may have come before this one. But just on the face of it, I would be PISSED if I''d received an email like this. I think all you needed to do is say 1 pm won''t work and tell them what time you need them there.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 6/2/2009 5:14:47 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 6/2/2009 5:00:54 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006


I thought the bride/bride''s family was responsible for providing accommodations for the bridesmaids??? I know I read that on one list, anyway.

I don''t think that''s a hard and fast rule. If one agrees to be a BM, then they should be fully prepared to take on all associated costs. We''ve spent upwards of 1000$ for wedding parties we''ve been in.

I''ll say!!!! That would cost a fortune to put up the bridesmaid''s. We didn''t do that when my daughter was married.

HH: I agree with you and your email. 1:00 is not enough time to get ready and have pictures taken too. They should arrive earlier. Personally, my daughter would have been a nervous wreck, if her bridesmaid''s arrived at 1:00.

 

[lala2332]

so sorry your BMs are not being there for you. It is so hard to find a balance between asking for what you want and being a ''bridezilla." I wouldn''t worry about the email. (easier said than done!) It will make them pissy, but it will also get your point across now, and not have any resentment closer to the wedding. I hope it all works out!