Someone slap me

[allycat0303]

Hudson_Hawk: I''m really glad you worked it out with the spokesperson of the group and hopefully your girlfriends understand your position more. Here''s to a smooth wedding!

 

[littlemissbliss]

Hudson,

YOU CAN BE AT YOUR BEST AND YOUR WORST WITH YOUR TRUE FRIENDS.

You had a right to be frustrated, and your email expressed that emotion. Could you have been more delicate? Probably. But if those girls are close enough to be in your wedding party, they are close enough to understand your position and why there is so much emotion attached to it.

 

[mayachel]

Okay, so let''s evaluate. You''ve already sent the e-mail. So are we trying to gauge reactions from your attendants? It seems as though it was written in the heat of emotion. As stated, "the proverbial straw". With a little luck, they will see it that way. That you have been generous and accommodating to a fault...yup, a fault. I 100% agree that they should be able to figure out their sleep schedule for one day, so as to arrive by 10am if that is when you want them there. The trouble is, and where you may need to soften with your words, by this one letter, it isn''t clear to me that you ever told them the time you wanted them there initially. Instead, it sounds (and I could be wrong) as though you asked them "what time do you think you''ll get here?" "likely around 1pm" and then were upset that they didn''t know you wanted them there earlier in the day?

Hopefully, they''ll just suck it up and show up and be a bit better behaved as your bridesmaids once they realize how upset they''ve made you. All that being said, only you know if you should follow up with a softer note along the lines of...

"hey guys, just wanted to follow up, from my last e-mail to let you know how much I appreciate you, and clearly need all the support you can give as I get ready to walk down the aisle. As I stated before, I am actually going to need you to arrive by 10am. Thanks."

 

[musey]

Date: 6/2/2009 8:21:06 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Thank you all for your responses. I still feel I was in-line writing the email. I'm sorry I didn't voice my frustrations sooner so I could do so more gently, but I'm not sorry for what I said.

Hudson, I have to apologize for my post because I thought you were looking for honest responses to this:

Date: 6/2/2009 4:30:43 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Was I too harsh or too much of a baby about it?

...and I probably overstepped my bounds because it sounds like that (whether you were being too harsh) was more a rhetorical question, but I took it as a literal invitation for feedback. Sorry!!

 

[princessplease]

I don''t think it was too much at all. You''re amazing for being so accommodating their schedules and lives that you should not have to compromise on picture times at your wedding. 1:00 is definitely too late. You are completely legit in your concerns and should not feel bad about sending that email. It''s your wedding, and you asked them to be there for you in it, so they need to do whatever they need to do to get there at an appropriate time.
You put so much into this that it is totally your right to be upset with them for that. I would be too. Good luck HH.

 

[VRBeauty]

You didn''t cut down on you wedding party because you were concerned that it might reflect badly on you (I had already asked the girls and i didn''t want to reneg on that because I thought it would be rude), even in your rant, you didn''t tell them directly what you expect from them (I would appreciate it if you could try and get to Providence as early as possible on the fifth), you bent over backwards to meet their needs, and then you exploded when you felt that you accommodations were being abused. Then you came here looking for people to validate your actions.

From here it looks like people pleasing and the predictable aftermath. I hope it''s because you''ve been thrown off kilter by the wedding planning process. If on the other hand it''s really, really important for you have other people like you, then you might want to give that some thought... after the wedding, of course.

I''m glad your friendships are strong enough that they''ll survive this little jolt.

 

[doodle]

Sometimes trying to not be a bridezilla is the number one way to turn yourself into one.

No matter how sweet and accommodating you have been throughout your whole wedding planning process, it''s ultimately easier on your wedding party if you say, "I need you here by __ am" than it is for them to attempt guessing what time you want them there after you ask what sounded like a casual question. Of course, all of this is a moot point if you actually did clarify your expectations with your girls before this latest email! It doesn''t make you in the wrong or overly demanding to request a specific time they be there, but it does make you seem like you''re coming on a bit too strong when you blow up after a simple answer to a simple question. Your feelings are more than valid, but I think your voicing of them may have been a little ill-timed, and unfortunately, losing your cool when you did doesn''t really help them see the validity of your feelings regarding their behavior overall. It takes every grievance you''ve had with them and turns it into being focused solely on the time issue, you know? I hope this made sense! I''m known for circumlocution! Anywho, I hope everything works out for the best and things blow over peacefully so you can get back to being a happy bride-to-be!

 

[rockzilla]

Just to clarify - they are leaving at 8am to get there at 1pm? So, it is a 5 hour trip from where they are coming from?

That is a pretty long drive to make - them getting there at say 11am would mean leaving their house at 6am. I would suggest being honest with them about the time you need them there by, but also try to be flexible so they aren''t waking up in the middle of the night to drive down.

 

[Magenta]

Date: 6/3/2009 1:02:55 AM
Author: doodle
Sometimes trying to not be a bridezilla is the number one way to turn yourself into one.

No matter how sweet and accommodating you have been throughout your whole wedding planning process, it''s ultimately easier on your wedding party if you say, ''I need you here by __ am'' than it is for them to attempt guessing what time you want them there after you ask what sounded like a casual question. Of course, all of this is a moot point if you actually did clarify your expectations with your girls before this latest email! It doesn''t make you in the wrong or overly demanding to request a specific time they be there, but it does make you seem like you''re coming on a bit too strong when you blow up after a simple answer to a simple question.

Quoted for truth. I don''t know you either, and am a new poster to this board. I''ve also never been a bridesmaid before, and that colours my views. I don''t know the previous backstory, so this is a general response.

If it were me, I''d be requesting they turn up at a particular time (eg, before 11am or whatever), rather than trying to make them read my mind. No matter what. A wedding is too stressful and requires too much planning to rely on mind-reading skills, as so much is at stake - as much for your sanity as for theirs!

On the other side of the fence, if they were not normally bridesmaids, they may well have thought that 1pm was a reasonable guess at a time, and had no idea that you would have things you wanted to do with them before then.

I hope it works out for you, and that they don''t bail.

 

[Dannielle]

I don''t think the email sounded harsh- but it was very straight forward and I can understand if your BM''s do feel a little taken back/hurt.

I hope they wake up to themselves and realise what an honour it is to be included in your wedding.. not long now and all these little stresses will be gone!!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Thank you everyone for your honest opinions and responses.

I''ve since had conversations with each of the girls and they''re on board. The know what''s expected of them in terms of when to arrive and have agreed to either get up very early to drive down or come down the night before to stay with BM#3.

Part of my frustration is that I feel like I made huge sacrifices to be a part of their weddings (getting up early to get there on time or being there a day or two before to help, spending a ton of money on showers and b-parties, hotels, etc) and when it came time for my turn, that willingness wasn''t returned. And no, I didn''t ONLY do those things because I was expecting the same down the road. I did them because they were my friends, that''s what was expected, and I knew it would make them happy. Friendship is a two-way street.

I clearly stated in my first email the I thought I might have crossed the line. I was interested to hear what people''s reactions were not because I wanted validation for my actions, but because I was curious to know how others handled similar situations or would have handled this one. I know now.

 

[VRBeauty]

I owe you an apology for my previous response -- it was uncalled for. May I plead temporary insanity? Anyhow, I''m glad you got it all straightened out! I hope all goes smoothly from here on out.

 

[doodle]

H_H, so glad to hear that you smoothed things over with your bridal party! Now breathe a sigh of relief, smile, and remember--YOU''RE GETTING MARRIED! Yeet! Here''s to smooth sailing from here on out! DUST DUST DUST!

 

[luckystar112]

You''re lucky to have friends that see past your temporary insanity.
I wouldn''t have taken it as well. The email comes across as if you''re telling them they are lucky to be a part of your wedding (paraphrasing: I could have cut you out but I didn''t!). And then to tell them to put on their big girl panties? Wow.

I''m glad it worked out in the end. Now just keep reciting your signature.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 6/2/2009 5:56:18 PM
Author: musey
If I were in your situation, I'd probably send an email apologizing for the vent, that the stress is mounting and I didn't mean to take it out on them (just because that's how I would feel... if you don't feel this way, obviously no reason to lie). Then I'd say that I need them there by ______ at the latest, and that I really hope that works for them because we'll have logistical problems otherwise.

I haven't read all posts, but in case it hasn't been done, I totally agree with musey. An apology needs to be sent..even if you FEEL like you don't really have anything to apologize for. Your feelings are 100% understandable, but, as women (and, probably even men would be the same way), when someone comes at us with their claws out, our first reaction is to get defensive and fight back. However, I am HOPING that this email will shed some light on things for them.

I'm having a similar prob with my MOH. You think this is the person that's going to help you the most throughout your wedding and it turns out, she's moved away, blamed me for even ASKING her to be in my party KNOWING she was planning on moving (actually, I didn't know), isn't coming for the shower, etc., etc. I could go on, but this isn't about me. The truth is, people do stink..and like kama (i think??) said, you give 110% and when it's your turn, you're often stepped on...but i think EVERYONE feels this way.

ETA: Okay. All caught up and realized everything was smoothed over..so please ignore my post..but also realize you are not alone! As I said above, I think we ALL feel this way because of one thing or another..but what can you do? It's human nature to make mistakes and be imperfect...for them, as well as for you. Sounds like you've all forgiven each other; that's what's important. Because, at the end of the day (and I mean this literally as well as figuratively), what you want is to still be friends with these girls...as your wedding (though important) IS only one day. A true friendship (should) last a lifetime.

 

[galvana]

Date: 6/2/2009 8:21:06 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Ladies,
Thank you all for your responses. I still feel I was in-line writing the email. I''m sorry I didn''t voice my frustrations sooner so I could do so more gently, but I''m not sorry for what I said. Luckily my friends and I do have a very open and honest relationship. I received a response from the BM the email was LEAST meant for and she tore me a new one. But, like I said, the email was meant for her the least. However, she''s also the ''spokesperson'' of the group and would be pissed if I didn''t include her in the email which is why I did include her. I''ve since spoken with her on the phone and worked things out. She''s driving down earlier in the morning. I''ve also sent a follow up email, not apologizing, but clarifying my stand on the situation. I truly feel like I''ve given an inch and they''ve taken a mile. Repeatedly.

Cellardoor-I''m sorry, but who are you? You appear to be new and I don''t know you. I''m pretty offended by your comment. My bridesmaids are my good friends and they''re like family. You bicker and you make up but you still love each other. We don''t ''talk mad smack'' about each other. You must be a man because I don''t know any woman doesn''t understand what being a bridesmaid is about. It has nothing to do with showing up on time, getting your hair done, wearing a pretty dress, etc. It has to do with friendship and commitment.

HH, I am glad you sent the email, it was what you were feeling and you needed to get it out. Like you said, you have a very open relationship with them, so NOW they know how you are feeling and perhaps they will be a bit more considerate going forward with things.
Yes, MAYBE you could have worded it a bit differently to get you rpoint across but whatever. you sent it and its done.
bottom line is you were honest and your a bride, your allowed to be honest with your closest girls.
Its your WEDDING and its what they are there for.
I''m not sure if this post helped but its just my opinion