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SOO UPSET! NEED TO VENT!

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galvana

galvana

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 4, 2008
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884
Ok im so upset at my FI right now. i need to just get this out.
Its 10pm here and he has not come home from work yet, its friday night and he is out with his boss.

He did not have plans with his boss, we were just going to hang out tonight like we usually do on weekends cuz all our money is in the wedding fund. So usually i leave work at 4pm and hit the gym and then get home about 6pm, he has usually just walked in the door.
So i come home and he''s not here, i go upstairs to check my email (he did not call or text me) so i checked my email and there was a message from FI that he sent at 350pm, i skipped out a bit early today. Anyway he writes, i may be home a bit late tonight, working on a few things here and may go out with my boss for a beer or two after work.
Im fine with this, of course, so i email back, ok have fun - he gets it on his blackberry and responds thanks xoxoxo.
WEll STUPID me thought he would be home by 8 or 9 the lLATEST. its now 10pm!!
I texted him about 30 min ago and he didn''t respond, so i called and he didn''t respond.
Then he texted back "sorry with boss be leaving soon"
I wrote back (BEACUSE IM PIST) WTF. Im so angry. i feel like its so rude of him to do this, i mean he could have left me a voicemail explaining this last minute planned nigth out - instead of just sending me a stupid email! AHHHHHHHHH so mad.
and NOW since i wrote WTF, he is now not responding to me at alL! IM SOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY>
i know him so well too, he probably got pist that i wrote WTF, so now he''s thinking "whats her problem, i can do what i want so now im not going to respond!"
ughhh - he can be so childish at times.
im so angry!

ahhhh
 
My FI did something like this a few weeks ago, but he doesn't have a cell phone
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. No note, no voicemail, nada. I was about 99% sure he was at our friends' house(and I was right) but I didn't want to feel like his mother, calling up and asking if he had gone over to play. But I was pretty peeved -- not that he'd gone out, but that he didn't tell me where he was or when he planned to be back. He now knows better, and has promised not to do it again.

I know it's frustrating, I hope you guys are able to sort it out without too much stress.
 
He just called and his on his way. Said he was talking to his boss about work stuff and the next round of layoffs and his phone was on vibrate.
Im still upset, am i wrong???
I just feel its SO RUDE. He could have easily left me a voicemail - im his FI not his roomate.
geeeeeeeez.

maybe the stress of the wedding and that my shower is sunday and everything else is making me more on edge, but im so upset right now.
I feel like he totally was so discurtious tonight. what the hell? i would never do that to him.
 
I'm sorry that you're frustrated. It certainly would have been nice for him to give you a heads up ahead of time, so that you could have taken the night to hang out with girlfriends instead of sitting at home waiting for him.

However, in my experience, I've found it helpful to give guys a little bit of space sometimes. Honestly, I might just ask him to let you know next time, so you can make other plans, but otherwise, I'd let it go.

So sorry that you are having a bad Friday night, though.
 
ummmm, I''m sorry you''re so upset but I''m not sure I understand why exactly? Is he doing this often? 10PM isn''t that late by most standards. Or is it? I think based on what you''ve posted, I''d cut him some slack (unless there is more you''re not sharing).

Try and relax so that when he gets home you can speak calmly, and don''t get into a big blowout. Who wants that on a Friday night?
 
I think he should have taken two seconds out to give you a call and let you know what was up. If he was talking to his boss about important stuff, it's understandable that the conversation went on longer than they anticipated, but he should have shown you more courtesy. I'm sure he just didn't think, though (as boys are wont to do -- not excusing them, just sayin').

ETA: Bia, when this happened to me, it wasn't that he was out -- it was that I was waiting on him for dinner (since he didn't tell me he wouldn't be home for it) and get pretty darn cranky when I'm hungry. If ILPC assumed they were going to do something together tonight, it's understandable that she'd be annoyed to be left hanging, I think.
 
In my estimation nothing childish happened until you typed "WTF". Not sure why this is annoying you so much. Because it was unexpected? Stuff happens. Sometimes its more important to bond with the boss than it is to rush home & spend time with the GF you''ll see the rest of the weekend. My husband was just OOT for THREE WEEKS on business. Was I thrilled? No ... but I didn''t blame *him*.

Figure out WHY you''re so mad so you''re able to discuss it calmly. ... because acting out/lashing out only hurts your relationship. I''m sure that''s not your goal.
 
Breath.

I think you are over-reacting a little bit. He DID let you know of his plans (I dont see why a voice mail message would have been any better than an email to tell you he would be out), and you didn''t have any plans he was ruining, so why can''t he spend some time out with someone else? Plus, it''s his boss- it''s REALLY hard to say "no" to a boss or to tell the boss "I''m leaving now." I''m not sure what like of work your fiance is in, but it''s usually always good to stay in the boss'' good gracess. It could actually be STUPID of him job-wise to leave from the outting.

You are the one who "assumed" he''d be home by 9pm- he didn''t tell you this. So I don''t see how you can be mad at him for not being home at some arbitrary time you picked.

I know you two are in a relationship, but it''s essential to maintain independent existences to some extent. I kind of like when my fiance is out for the night/out of town- it gives me a chance to play my "whiny white women" music loudly, curl up with a good book, call a friend for a long phone call, etc... quality time with myself. I would try to do something like that for the rest of the night, rather that just sit waiting for him to come home.

Please try to calm down before he gets home so you don''t make a mountain out of a molehill!
 
Yes you are in the wrong IMO. You told him to go out and have fun and didn''t specify a time for him to be home...and he is coming home around 10. Yes it''s later than maybe YOU thought it would be-but really-he didn''t do anything wrong. It''s not like 10pm is that late if he was staying late at work and then getting a few beers with his boss.

Give the poor guy a break.
 
Date: 5/15/2009 10:21:50 PM
Author: Bia
ummmm, I''m sorry you''re so upset but I''m not sure I understand why exactly? Is he doing this often? 10PM isn''t that late by most standards. Or is it? I think based on what you''ve posted, I''d cut him some slack (unless there is more you''re not sharing).

Try and relax so that when he gets home you can speak calmly, and don''t get into a big blowout. Who wants that on a Friday night?
Click to expand...
I am upset because at 350 he told me he might go out for 1 beer or 2 - then at 6 when i had not heard from him i asked if he was out he said yes, and then i didn''t hear from him again for 3.5 hrs. i guess i would have liked for him to update me
"Hey honey looks like im going to be out for a while, two beers has turned iinto 5 so im not sure when i''ll be home"
I just feel like it was not rude to not update me.
am i wrong?
i honestly thought he''d be home by 7pm/.
 
Date: 5/15/2009 10:23:29 PM
Author: decodelighted
In my estimation nothing childish happened until you typed ''WTF''. Not sure why this is annoying you so much. Because it was unexpected? Stuff happens. Sometimes its more important to bond with the boss than it is to rush home & spend time with the GF you''ll see the rest of the weekend. My husband was just OOT for THREE WEEKS on business. Was I thrilled? No ... but I didn''t blame *him*.

Figure out WHY you''re so mad so you''re able to discuss it calmly. ... because acting out/lashing out only hurts your relationship. I''m sure that''s not your goal.
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Thank you for your post. I wanted to hear things like that and that maybe i am wrong here.
It is not my goal to hurt the relationship - i just wanted to see what you all thought
1) if you thought he was being a jerk and inconsiderate
or
2) if you thought it was ok and i was overreacting a bit.

I have abandonment issues and i never know when im "being wronged" or if im just over reacting to normal everyday things.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - deep breaths. thanks everyone - keep posting. this is my therapy - lol
 
Im resposting this to all of you as it seems i am way out of line. thank you all for your honesty, i knew i would get it here.

Thank you for your post. I wanted to hear things like that and that maybe i am wrong here.
It is not my goal to hurt the relationship - i just wanted to see what you all thought
1) if you thought he was being a jerk and inconsiderate
or
2) if you thought it was ok and i was overreacting a bit.

I have abandonment issues and i never know when im "being wronged" or if im just over reacting to normal everyday things.


ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - deep breaths. thanks everyone - keep posting. this is my therapy - lol
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he just pulled in, now i feel like a loser! he must think im a nut bag, no wait, he already knows i am.
oh boy- tx again
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ILPC, I''d advise that if you''re still really upset when he gets home, don''t get into it tonight. If he''s been drinking and you''re emotional, it''s probably not the best idea. But tomorrow, calmly explain to him that you''d like to have some idea of when he''ll be home and would like him, in the future, to give you a quick update. If he has a good rebuttal, listen to him and come to a reasonable compromise that you''ll both stick to in the future. As I said, I do understand where you''re coming from, but it''s probably an easy fix if you can address it rationally.
 
good advice, i can hear him - im in the office - off the kitchen. i think he''s mad at me.
i guess i dont blame him. - ughhhh
oh crap -
i will talk nice/calmy tomorrow but now im wondering if i should just apolgize.
 
Date: 5/15/2009 10:35:21 PM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Date: 5/15/2009 10:21:50 PM

Author: Bia

ummmm, I''m sorry you''re so upset but I''m not sure I understand why exactly? Is he doing this often? 10PM isn''t that late by most standards. Or is it? I think based on what you''ve posted, I''d cut him some slack (unless there is more you''re not sharing).


Try and relax so that when he gets home you can speak calmly, and don''t get into a big blowout. Who wants that on a Friday night?
Click to expand...
I am upset because at 350 he told me he might go out for 1 beer or 2 - then at 6 when i had not heard from him i asked if he was out he said yes, and then i didn''t hear from him again for 3.5 hrs. i guess i would have liked for him to update me

''Hey honey looks like im going to be out for a while, two beers has turned iinto 5 so im not sure when i''ll be home''

I just feel like it was not rude to not update me.

am i wrong?

i honestly thought he''d be home by 7pm/.
Click to expand...

Is it rude? I don''t know. I guess it depends on you, and your guy. When my FI goes out, I don''t like to call him asking him why he''s not home. Have you ever gone out with the girls and time just flew? I mean it happens. If my FI says he''ll be home at a certain time, he usually is, but if he''s out with his boys, and he loses track of time, I don''t sweat it. Unless it''s 4AM and I have no idea where he is. Some guys are oblivious. I doubt he was trying to not keep you informed but maybe he just didn''t occur to him that you''d get so upset. IMO, he was pretty good about letting you know where he was, and tried to approximate what time he''d be home.

Personally, I do think you''re overreacting a bit, again, based on what you''ve said, UNLESS he makes a habit of doing this. If he does, then you should talk to him about how much it bothers you. AND that he better stop, or else
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Date: 5/15/2009 10:42:09 PM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
Im resposting this to all of you as it seems i am way out of line. thank you all for your honesty, i knew i would get it here.


Thank you for your post. I wanted to hear things like that and that maybe i am wrong here.

It is not my goal to hurt the relationship - i just wanted to see what you all thought

1) if you thought he was being a jerk and inconsiderate

or

2) if you thought it was ok and i was overreacting a bit.

I have abandonment issues and i never know when im ''being wronged'' or if im just over reacting to normal everyday things.



ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - deep breaths. thanks everyone - keep posting. this is my therapy - lol
19.gif



he just pulled in, now i feel like a loser! he must think im a nut bag, no wait, he already knows i am.

oh boy- tx again
38.gif
Click to expand...
Don''t worry. An apology should suffice. BUT explain to him what you''ve told us...that might soften him.
 
I honestly think work outtings and social outtings are different and need to be treated differently.

Your FI may feel like he had no choice...afterall, this is his boss not his common co-worker. If they are working on a project, this may be brainstorming time--and somewhat mandatory. I''m willing to bet this isn''t how he would choose to spend his Friday night...

Cut him some slack when he gets home...I''m sure you''re frusterated, and that''s okay...but this isn''t the end of the world in the grand scheme of things and not worth upsetting the apple cart over.
 
thank you all again. so much. he''s here and im going to hang out with him now
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he seems ok and is just telling me about what the boss had to say, several people are getting laid of june 1st.
he''s not one of them.

thanks again, i feel like an idiot. lol
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Date: 5/15/2009 11:05:49 PM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
thank you all again. so much. he''s here and im going to hang out with him now
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he seems ok and is just telling me about what the boss had to say, several people are getting laid of june 1st.
he''s not one of them.

thanks again, i feel like an idiot. lol
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Click to expand...
No! That''s silly!
 
Good for you for venting here, and getting your head screwed on straight before he came home. I would have said you were overreacting as well.

Hopefully you had a nice rest of your night.
 
LOL

When I first read this post I was like, "What? That isn''t normal?" because my DH does the same thing. When he''s out with his boss after work it is virtually impossible to get in touch with him, and "a beer or two" usually doesn''t end until around the same time.

I''ll admit that sometimes I get pissed. For instance, one time they stayed out way longer than normal and when I called DH to figure out what the heck was going on his boss answered his cell phone for him. DH basically had his boss talk to me in case I got mad.
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What pissed me off though was that he made me look like an uptight wrench.

So long story short, glad to see I''m not the only one whose SO is MIA during beers with the boss.
 
I think this was more an example of poor communication through email. Your responses seemed like you were fine with him making plans with his boss for the night until the "wtf," and although his responses weren''t entirely clear, things happen. Yeah, it would have been nice if he had given you a more specific time frame, but it sounds like it might be more important for him to be showing his boss his dedication right now (you mentioned rounds of layoffs), and he probably felt awkward excusing himself to call you.
 
Please take a moment to reflect on WHY you felt the need to overreact.

Everyone gets angry at their SO; but often, it is better to just shut up and let the moment pass. There is no reason to always say exactly what you may be thinking. You know that it can hurt feelings and undermine your relationships. You''ve got to choose your battles, not fight every time you feel ''dissed'' in some way.

And nobody should ever text their fiance or their husband, or for that matter, their boyfriend with a WTF. EVER. If a relationship has issues that ''require'' or ''deserve'' this kind of language. . . it''s going to die for lack of mutual respect.
 
Wow!!! I definitely agree with Bia, you are totally over reacting! I would think if my hubby was going out with his boss to have a beer, and there are people being laid off at his work, that it would be a great thing!

I can understand with the wedding coming up you can get gittery, but calm down! Before we got married, hubby and I talked about how we know that things can get stressful, but we wanted that time to be a fun memory, and it was! We had so much fun right before the wedding because we didn''t let these little things get in the way! I''m so glad we did it that way too because I would hate to look back on that time and feel bad that it was too stressful!

I''m no trying to tell you what to do, I''m just giving you a suggestion....I think it would help. In a few weeks, he''s all yours till forever
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Have fun planning, and doing all that last minute stuff!

I know it can be hard to be patient and totally trusting, I was a TOTAL nut when hubby and I were dating! I''m ever so lucky he stayed with me!!! I would always be freaking out, "why didn''t he call?" and all that crap! Life it way too short, and it''s not worth it! It''s already the day after your panic, And your man went home to you and "hung" out with you after all that! I would say you have it good!

Let go of insecurities, and just have fun!!!
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I hope that the rest of this time is peaceful, and I pray that you have the wedding of your dreams! Good Luck!
 
I just had to chime in that with fi and I it is the other way around. He works all week and when he comes home for the weekend he thinks he automatically gets that time. People need their space and he wasn''t out THAT late. If I had a job opportunity and they wanted to go out for drinks on a friday night to discuss it and we didn''t have plans, I''d go in a heartbeat. It sounds like this is helping his job anyways as many others have said. I think you definitely need to losen the hold on your fi.
 
Ok, so maybe he could have called to tell you he was running late, but your reaction is pretty over the top and uncalled for, esp. the "WTF" text.

He wasn''t out partying with friends all hours of the night; he was having a drink with his boss and discussing work. My husband does this every now and then, as do I. If one of us forgets to call and let the other know we''re going to be late, we don''t flip out and send angry texts.

You need to be more flexible. If he was networking, it''s wrong for you to interfere with that because you want him home. I think what you did was very selfish, and I wouldn''t blame him for not immediately rushing back. Bottom line - you have to be prepared for plans to change.

And why couldn''t you have gone out yourself, instead of getting angry over waiting? What was keeping you from calling a friend or doing something on your own?

I''m sorry to be harsh like this, but honestly, if this is how you react to your FI being late, I''d hate to see your reactions to bigger, more serious problems.
 
Wow, I'm kind of surprised at the reactions here. I can't believe that more people don't think it's rude when one partner doesn't let the other partner know what they're up to. Maybe it was the way I was raised, but my family ALWAYS let someone else know generally where we were going to be and when we'd be home. If plans changed, we'd give a quick call so my parents didn't worry. I expect nothing less of my FI. I don't need a detailed explanation of where he is at every moment of the day, but when I come home at dinnertime and he's not here, I certainly expect some form of message from him so I know whether to go ahead and eat without him or to wait, whether I should call up a friend and make plans (or pop in a Golden Girls DVD, hehe), etc. And if his plans change significantly, I like to know those things, too -- and I do the same for him. I just don't think it's fair for one person to leave the other hanging. And honestly, even though her FI was with his boss, is it really that hard for him to either say "hey, could I have two seconds to leave a message for ILPC to let her know I'm going to be late tonight" or, failing that, to take a bathroom break and let her know? It's not like she's just his roommate.

I don't think ILPC was saying that her FI couldn't go out with someone else -- just that she wanted to know when to expect him home. Yes, the WTF text was overreacting (and also rude) and this probably wasn't a situation where such annoyance wasn't warranted. But in my world, it's just polite practice, and really not difficult at all, to give each other a quick heads-up.
 
Octavia,
He DID let her know what was up ... he didn''t know an exact time he''d be home (as can be expected when entertaining the boss). He''s an adult & she''s not his mommy. She ASSUMED he''d be home by nine and then was LIVID by 9:30. Not a lot of leeway, hmmm? People get in trouble when they make up things in their own head & then expect other people to read their minds. "He''ll be home by nine" "Wait, he''s not home by when I thought he''d be home!" Cue tantrum.

If this was a common happening in their house, then it might be worth a calm discussion about each others expectations & wishes -- and a mutual agreement could be established. UNSPOKEN agreements ... people''s UNSPOKEN ideas about what''s polite or not ... are a whole different matter.

Should we really be jumping on our partners if they fail to be scrupulously "polite" -- our own narrow definintions of such? People have flaws ... people make mistakes ... people get into situations that are hard to get out of. MAN, if I were him the LEAST pleasant alterntative would be calling an already mad fiance WHILE AT THE BAR. Why would anyone want to start what''s sure to be an argument in front of the boss ... or when you know there''s already anger involved. Things can be discussed later. The girl isn''t going to freakin explode if she isn''t full up of 100% knowledge at all times. It isn''t polite to jump on someone without discussing things first EITHER. Nor is it polite to phone/text repeatedly -- interrupting someone''s evening just to soothe yourself & "get answers".

Both parties are "at fault" IMHO & its up to them to talk this out ... come to agreements for future situations ... and ultmately get over themselves because they''re not the center of each other''s universe 24/7.
 
Deco, I guess we just don''t see eye-to-eye, which is fine. Of course people make mistakes, and I hope they worked things out calmly and maturely. I suppose I was speaking too generally for this particular situation, since I agree that repeatedly calling and texting isn''t cool -- but I still don''t think it would have killed him to text her "still @ bar, will be home late" when he realized it was taking longer. I guess my parents just drilled that into me as a kid, apparently more so than others. But hey, different strokes for different folks.
 
I used to do this when my husband and I first moved in together. I LOATHED him staying out late, but it wasn''t because I wanted him home all the time, it was because I often had to get to bed early and I couldn''t sleep without him there. I learned REAL quick that acting like this was ridiculous, because since when was I his boss? He had every right to go out and do whatever he liked, without my permission. It was stupid to act like his mother. I''m not saying you are trying to play mom, but I do think you need to realize that you are not his keeper. If he goes out once in awhile, you really have no say and no right to get angry - would you want him to act like this if YOU went out with a girlfriend or two and stayed out late?
 
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