Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Sorority Pressure?

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Blenheim

Blenheim

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
3,136
I''ve noticed recently that several LIWs and other PSers have posted that they are actives or alumnae of sororities. (Some usernames also really point that way.) Since many sororities have some sort of ring ceremony or ritual, I was just wondering how that''s influenced your experience as a LIW.

My sorority has a ceremony that begins (theoretically) with no one other than exec members knowing who just got engaged. We use it as a way of announcing the engagement. As an underclassmen, I really enjoyed these ceremonies because it was a way of openly annoucning and celebrating the engagement within the sorority. It also reduces competition over who gets told first.

About a year ago, we were midway through one such ceremony when one girl''s boyfriend came out of the chapter room closet, got on one knee, and proposed. She told me afterwards that she thought the ring ceremony was for me. Since then, we''ve had two or three ceremonies announced in advance, followed by intense speculation about who is engaged. Many girls posted their rankings as their away messages. Others literally placed bets. (One girl told me that she just lost a beer over me not getting engaged.) I walked into dinner before chapter one day that we knew there was going to be a ring ceremony, and all eyes turned to me. Then another girl, who has been dating her boyfriend for about four years, ran up to me upset because everyone she hadn''t even thought about being engaged until everyone put up away messages ranking her pretty highly. She suddenly wanted a ring on her finger so badly. Afterwards, another sorority LIW (not on this website, but she is a LIW) and I promised each other that if either of us gets engaged, we will talk to exec immediately before the ring ceremony so that no one else in the sorority knows ahead of time.

Alexandra Robbin''s book "Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities"* addresses such ceremonies to some extent, but in a different light. She seems to focus on the fact that relationships are much more celebrated in sororities than other personal accomplishments. I suddenly recalled this just after one of our ring ceremonies, when someone congratulated another girl for getting into graduate school. Newly engaged girl: "Well, I have a husband!" (sic) Friend: "Yes, honey, and we already had a ceremony just for that."

The most recent sorority pressure for me, personally, has been in the form of girls telling me that I need to get engaged in time for a ring ceremony. (Thanks, tell that to my boyfriend.
2.gif
)

I don''t mean to whine or complain about this. It''s just something that I''ve been noticing, more and more as my boyfriend and I get closer to taking that huge step, and I was wondering if others have had similar experiences. Do you think that this kind of pressure is a byproduct of such ceremonies, or could ceremonies be conducted pressure-free?
 
wait...what is a "ring ceremony"? Is that when you are proposed to?

I''m not sure enough people get engaged here for it to be a deal, but I am not in a sorority, so...
 
This ceremonies can cause pressure maybe but in the atmosphere of my school and sorority it didn''t. I was in a big sorority at a big party school and I think we only had one engagement ritual (we use the same ritual for lavaliering so I can''t remember for sure) the whole time I was there. Almost no one, like I can only think of the girl for which we had the ceremony, got engaged in college. I think maybe the party atmosphere, at least in the crowds I hung around (Greeks and athletes), prevented alot of relationships from being long term and getting that serious. My relationship lasted but we are just now getting engaged 2 years after college. The engagement ritual didn''t cause pressure in my house because nobody ever expected to get engaged in college, even the tightest couples.
 
Rainbowtrout,

To the best of my knowledge, it''s usually some ceremony done before or during chapter to either announce or celebrate an engagement. (I''m sure that it varies from chapter to chapter and I don''t want to speak for others.) I thought that ours was a secret until one boyfriend used it as part of his proposal. His girlfriend knew that an engagement was being announced, but had no idea that it was going to be her own.
 
Ours is a secret, it wasn''t done before or during chapter, they just called it when it needed to be called, I guess it was usually after chapter because everyone was already at the house, but not necessarily.
 
Are people getting engaged a lot in college?? I ask because I was in a big sorority and we had none of this. People got pinned, which meant you got your boyfriend"s fraternity pin and that was like a pre- engagement. I ask because my daughter is off to college next year and wants to join the sorority that I was a member of . Please give me the 411 on all of this. Yikes. Oh nothing wrong with any of it, I was engaged and married early. Celebrating 20 years this September, but I need to brace myself. Ya know, as a mom and all!!!
2.gif
 
Kaleigh, I think that it really depends on the college and on the people you''re talking to. I can easily think of 12 engaged/married students and recent alumae of my small school. Out of the fifteen college students I worked with this summer, two were engaged. One, from Oklahoma, went to two weddings of close college friends over the summer. At the same time, I think that it''s practically unheard of at other schools. Some of my friends are astonished that I''m already at this stage in my life.

Diamonds are Hot, there''s a definite party atmosphere at my school (less so after US News and World Report noted it, much to the administration''s dismay). It seems like most relationships are passing hookups or are on the road to marriage. There''s very little in between.
 
Sorority pressure? None that I remember. In fact, I don''t remember ANYONE at my sorority getting engaged during college. However, a few did soon after graduation. Then again, what do I know....I was hands-down the most inactive member of my sorority (the Greek/jocks crowd turned out not to be my cuppa tea) and it was 10+ years ago. Perhaps depending on regional location, some colleges may trend towards earlier engagements, i.e. while still in school. Blenheim, in what part of the country are you going to college? Just curious.
1.gif
 
I guess it must be really school dependent, bc we had only about 3 pinning ceremonies my whole 4 yrs, and all my senior year.... although, one girl did get married I don''t think we had a ring ceremony for her... and a BUNCH got engaged right after graduating. Plus I went to a big college, very liberal atmosphere...
2.gif


I think when there''s a rash of ceremonies it builds a sense of anticipation... sororities are a breeding ground for gossip (at least, mine was... haha) so I say just take it all w/a grain of salt. If it bothers you a TON I would maybe ask the chapter exec if they would consider making them a surprise or something... ??
 
I am not part of a sorority, but I do go to an all women''s school. And a lot of students are engaged from what I can tell. I do have to be careful about this tho because there is also a good number of us that waited a few years before going to college so they aren''t as young as your average undergrad. And I have seen a lot more of it in grad school now too! But this whole craziness you are describing Blen seems ridiculous! I second flopkins, why can''t you just have a chapter meeting and not know that there will be a ring ceremony?
 
woah...so you aren''t "allowed" to tell anyone you got engaged until your superiors announce it?
 
it''s not that you aren''t ALLOWED, rainbowtrout.. it''s just a tradition.

we HAD this ceremony, but none of us ever USED It. i went to a HUGE school but greek life wasn''t HUGE on our campus.

and, there were very few engaged people in the sororities -- again, there were serious relationships but i think most people just assumed we''d wait till we graduated (in fact, having all of us have just graduated, and now there are more and more engagements popping up!)
:)
 
Date: 4/26/2006 8:50:05 AM
Author: rainbowtrout
woah...so you aren''t ''allowed'' to tell anyone you got engaged until your superiors announce it?
Click to expand...
You can if you want to but, it is fun to go and do the ceremony.
Not that I should say anything since I have not coped to it yet. I have no desire to see my name on a banner, or spend a few of my much needed studying hours with girls asking questions about the engagement and the ring... but I hate being the center of attention.
Really though for girls who really get into the sisterhood and enjoy it, they cry and everyone cries for them, it is very beautiful.
 
Wow, it sounds like I''m the only one having this kind of college experience. I''m going to try to answer everyone''s questions.

KristyDarling, I go to school in Virginia. While there aren''t many Virginians at my school, it seems like the dominant culture is very Southern. I know people at other Virginia schools where college engagements seem much more rare.

Flopkins, I''m so close to graduating (and actually am at home until my back recovers more from surgery) that I don''t have to deal with this much longer. I was very stressed out at various times in the past year over it, though, and after reading that there are other sorority members on here I was wondering if my experience was at all common. (Guess that question is answered.)
1.gif
I think that it''s supposed to be a surprise, but there have been unusual circumstances surrounding it most of the times this year. For one, they announced that seniors didn''t have to come to chapter before they realized that there was going to be a ring ceremony, and recalled the "senior alternative chapter" for that reason. For the one that involved the proposal, they made the mistake of telling one girl who loves to gossip, thinking that she had just ended a relationship that she had thought was bound for marriage and it could be upsetting for her to be there. My thought is that if I tell exec 5 minutes before chapter starts, there''s only so much that the rumor can spread. Some other girls in similar positions agree, so we might be able to spare ourselves some rumors. By now, also, most of us have hopefully developed thick skins.
2.gif


Rainbowtrout, as laurel_aurelia said, it''s just tradition. The problem is that if even one person knows before the ring ceremony, everyone else gets their nose out of joint that they weren''t the first to know. With a recent ceremony, one girl knew and kept telling everyone that she knew but wasn''t going to tell them, which of course didn''t help. As someone else said, sororities can be a breeding ground for gossip.
 
my friend who goes to a southern school has issues with this (furman) but we don''t talk about the specifics much other than that everyone seems to be engaged and makes comments to the other girls if they aren''t..

thanks for the clear-up mat, blenheim, laurel !
 
I am getting ready to graduate in May and my chapter is pretty large (100+). I think about 5 seniors have gotten engaged so far. I don't think there is pressure to get engaged but I know I am getting engaged soon(the ring is in our house waiting to be insured!) so I wish it would be before our last chapter meeting on Sunday just because it is a really special moment, even though it is probably not going to happen
15.gif
. Our ceremony is for lavaliering, pinning, and engagement but it is a little different for each. I don't know how much I can go into it but I know other sororities have similar ones. I really like the surprise factor to it and watching and waiting to see who it is. We also do this ceremony for other things as a chapter togetherness and sisterhood so it is special. Also, a boy or uninitiated member could never be present when we do it for that reason so in our sorority there could never be a proposal that happens right before/during it.

ETA: We just get an announcement at the beginning of chapter so there isn't quite the mass speculation and betting that goes on at Blenheim school.
 
Wow! I cannot even imagine getting engaged as an undergraduate.
Average age for marriage where I live is 27/28 - so subtract a year or two for engagement and you've got 26-ish.

Blen - How are you feeling? I hope you're doing well.

Scintillating...
 
Date: 4/26/2006 12:26:12 PM
Author: Scintillating
Wow! I cannot even imagine getting engaged as an undergraduate.

Average age for marriage where I live is 27/28 - so subtract a year or two for engagement and you''ve got 26-ish.


Blen - How are you feeling? I hope you''re doing well.


Scintillating...
Click to expand...

Me either! I am still the same age as many undergrads, someone who is a 5th year senior (I''m 23 but I graduated in 3 years when I was 21) but I was just in a different frame of mind then. I think it''s amazing that people are ready for marriage in college, good for them, I think I still liked beer and causing trouble better than my boyfriend then.
40.gif
 
I attended a small private school where greek life was not very active. Nonetheless, I pledged a sorority and was a very active member. Our sorority does not have a ring/engagement ceremony and I was surprised to read about this. Maybe the fact that we are a relatively young sorority has something to do with it?

Although we do not have such a ceremony, I would like to add that I do get pressure from my sorority sisters! My sisters are all great friends with my boyfriend (some of them talk to him more than me) and they''re constantly asking us when we''re getting married. A few of them have mentioned that they would like our wedding to be a mini-chapter get-together.
 
Scintillating, I''m slowly beginning to feel better but I''m definitely not 100% yet. It''s going to be a slow process, but eventually I should get back to normal. Thanks for asking.

JenStone, it probably really varies by sorority, but it''s hard to know since so many can''t talk about it. I assumed that it was pretty common after reading "Pledged." It might be a relic from a time when more girls got engaged as undergrads, so newer sororities are more likely not to have it?
 
Personally I think nowadays it''s a lot less common than before - I remember talking to some of the advisors for our chapter (The alums that helped out) who said that the pinning/engagement ceremonies happened ALL the time when they were in college - I think the shift in society to get married later has sorta moved the trend downwards.

My university was very non-greek and my sorority was decidedly more ''down to earth'' when I was part of the chapter (it has now shifted since I graduated, since the chapter has gotten more popular/larger) so there was less of the competition/tension regarding the boys, but I think it''s sorta built into the culture of sororities - exchanges/socials w/the frats, finding dates for invitationals/formals, that kinda thing... so I can totally relate to blenheim and can definitely imagine that the situation in her sorority happens all the time!! like JenStone said, she gets the pressure from her girlfriends, regardless of the ceremony - I think it happens regardless of sororities at all, but in a more organized form, it takes on a new level... The whole point of the pinning/eng ceremonies is to announce it to the whole chapter as a surprise, and usually a few girls find out/know about it, so it always builds up the anticipation...

blenheim - since you are graduating soon I would try my best to concentrate on getting finished with school - I know for me, my last semester in college I really pulled away from a lot of my chapter activities and madness - I''d been an officer for 2-3years and I was DONE! For some girls in my class, they still went back and visited the house all the time after they graduated and hung out... I have my friends from the sorority that I still talk to and hang out with - my MOH was a sorority sister, but I consider it part of my college experience that I really enjoyed, but moved on, you know?

I read Pledged and I thought it was overly sensationalized. I don''t believe that she only picked these three girls to follow, and all three ''happened'' to have these experiences. I think she probably followed several girls from various sororities, and combined their stories to make it more streamlined. Besides, IMO, if someone in a sorority is willing to spill the beans about their sorority, they weren''t happy w/it (or weren''t truly invested in it) in the first place, so of course it is going to be negative.
 
Blenheim,
I am right with you there, girl! I went to a small, private school in Virginia for two years, where I became a member of a sorority that i love dearly. I then transferred, and now since my boyfriend can''t propose until May, I just don''t think I''m going to be able to have a ring ceremony because I''d have to wait until school started in August to keep it from my sisters, and there is just no way that would happen! The boyfriend wishes he could have proposed sooner so I could share this memory with my sisters, but he can''t (long story short, I wil make this a post at some point--my grandfather has been in the hospital for two months, 1000 miles away, and my mother has been down there the whole time, and it''s just not an appropriate time for an engagement). So I''m sad that I will not have that--I got to be there for my big sister''s ceremony, and my little little is engaged (but no ring yet) so hopefully I can go to hers. I completely understand. I am trying to figure out though, how to have something special to suprise my sisters over the summer, but i have no idea how to do this--if you figure this out, Blenheim, let me know!
 
Plantationcatt, I''m not really sure! My only sister who got engaged over the summer just went ahead and told everyone and proudly showed off her ring.

Flopkins, I''ve enjoyed my sorority experience but have already moved on. I''ve been suffering from pretty bad back problems for a few months, so I''ve had to detach myself from a lot of the stuff that''s going in. There''s no way that I could get myself to a mixer or formal, or even sometimes to chapter.

I agree that Pledged was very sensationalized. There were inherent problems in how she chose the three main girls and I''m not sure how she could have gotten around that if she insisted on writing the book, but she could have portrayed it as something other than the typical sorority experience. I hear that it''s more like that at certain schools, but definitely not at mine. I also that thought spilling a lot of sorority secrets was inappropriate and without a clearly defined purpose. There was a lot that I didn''t like about the book, but it was interesting to get her take on certain things. I hadn''t even thought about the fact that relationships are more celebrated than other personal achievements, for example.
 
"Flopkins, I''ve enjoyed my sorority experience but have already moved on. I''ve been suffering from pretty bad back problems for a few months, so I''ve had to detach myself from a lot of the stuff that''s going in. There''s no way that I could get myself to a mixer or formal, or even sometimes to chapter."

That is how things have been for me this year too. I love my sorority but I have been having a lot of medical problems and I just haven''t been able to be involved the way I want to be. Are you going to get involved as an alum later?
 
The mom of one of my friends meets with some members of her pledge class at least once a month, which is just the cutest thing ever. But they all stayed in the same town where they went to college. I''m not even sure if there''s an alumnae club where I''m moving in June, much less how active it is, so I''ll have to see. Do you know how active you''re planning to be?
 
Ok funniest ring ceremony EVER:

my best friend from high school (the one at Furman I mentionned) just got engaged! (yay!

Anyway, so at her ceremony:

1) she spilled water down her shirt

2) poked herself in the tummy with a pair of scissors

3) blew out the candle at the wrong time (too early)

thankfully she didn''t hurt herself! Apparently she was the first person in the sorority''s history to blow out the candle at the wrong time

4.gif
 
I think I am going to take some time to get healthy and settle into "adult" life for awhile. Then I might go help with recruitment, though I don''t know if I can do it with my chapter because I will be living 4+hours away. I think I will miss it a lot though! We have a ton of alumnae organizations all over the country and a bunch in my state so I will probably get involved in that at some point. I am going to feel so old though!
 
blenheim - I hope your health gets better - beyond anything that is the most important thing!!

to sort of butt in on the other topic of what happens afterwards, it''s funny bc when I was really active in my chapter my college years I always thought I would go back and participate a lot in the alum activities and help my old chapter etc... but ever since I graduated I''ve only visited the house a couple times, after football games... I''ve thought about going back and being an advisor or something, but I''ve just got so much on my plate. ''Life'' really does take over! For me, at least. Even the alum lunch the house is hosting, I was asking a few of my sorority sisters if they were going to go and none of us were that gung ho about it... I have my friends I made in the sorority, we still talk all the time, but going back to the chapter and all that, not so much.
 
Sorry I'm just now replying to this post, but I've had a strikingly similar experience to yours and thought I must share.

First, I should introduce myself, as this is my first post on PS. I've been lurking for a while. Hello, everyone!

I graduated in December after three and a half years of college at a large, southern state university. I met my boyfriend the first week of my freshman year. We are planning on getting engaged, but a pre-graduation engagement was not right for us for several reasons. He graduates later this month, and he wants to be financially stable for a few months and finish saving for a ring. (We've agreed that there are much, much better things to finance -- say, a house, for example.) I'm going to law school in August, and we don't want to get married at least until I've finished my L1 year (maybe even L2). I've picked out a pretty Jeff Cooper ring from a local, well respected B&M store, and he's promised to propose before our fourth anniversary, which is in early October.

My school has a very large and active Greek system. I am an alumna of one of the smaller sororities on campus. We have ceremonies similar to yours, which we call "candlelightings."

The first candlelighting for a member of my pledge class occurred just before Christmas my junior year. After that, there was a steady stream. I am one of the few girls in my pledge class (and the only one with a boyfriend for a significant length of time) who is not yet engaged. At every candlelighting I got the barrage of "Is it you? Is it you? It's you, isn't it?" After the ceremony was concluded, and it obviously wasn't me, the onslaught of "when is it going to be you?" would start. I finally stopped going to candlelightings.

The bf and I used to get into fights (which, I admit, I started) about why we weren't engaged yet, etc., etc. I really started to doubt that he was ever going to propose. I think most people mean well and eager to hear of your engagement so they can be happy for you, but they don't understand that all the questions and prying can be hurtful. Now that I'm not active in the sorority, it doesn't bother me anymore! I know it's going to happen, he knows it's going to happen, and the sisters I'm closest to know that it's going to happen. We're much, much more relaxed about it now.

I suppose my advice is that once you graduate and have a little distance from your sisters (and the damn candlelightings), it won't bother you so much. I think it will be interesting to see how all of these marriages play out -- the marriages of those who were in a hurry to have a candlelighting and show up all their sisters vs. those who took their time and waited until it was the right moment for them.
 
Staceybelle--welcome!
I agree with your post--being away from my sorority from a year has made it easier. Especially when they all thought it was me the last few times and it wasn''t! It just seems so convenient and special to be able to share the news with so many at once, instead of having to call them across the country this summer. I was lucky in that my sisters were not competitive in the candlelightings, there were maybe three a year (out of 100 or so girls) and I don''t think they were rushed. I think I''m mostly sad because my boyfriend wanted to be able for me to share it with them this way.

I think I would have a hard time if I was still in school with them.

Blenheim, just know you''re not alone in this situation, even though they''re all a little different.
And you and your health are in my thoughts, too!
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top