Soul mate?

[stermag]

Some time ago, one of the LIW ladies started a thread asking "How did you know he was the one?" and many of you responded with your stories, all of which were very touching. I scoured my brain in search of such a time in my 3-year relationship with the man who, Lord help him, should be proposing to me before the next presidential election, but I couldn''t come up with anything definitive... This started to worry me. I started to ask myself if I even knew what I was doing, what I wanted, etc. Is he really the one? Is he my soul mate?

Then this past week, driving along and listening to NPR, I caught an interview with an author of a book called "VoiceMale" which challenges stereotypes about husbands. In the process of gathering material for the book, he interviewed hundreds of married men, some young some old, some somewhere in between... It''s an interesting interview and I encourage you all to check it out (link provided below).

What really struck me, however, and immediately put me at ease was an excerpt from an interview with an old man who''s been married for many, many decades... This old man said something along the lines of "So many marriages fail today because young people go out in search of their soul mates... and a soul mate isn''t someone you find, it is someone you create... through many years together, through the good times and through the bad."

I''m not sure that there was ever a moment when I realized that my BF was the one... however, I do know that he has become family to me and a huge part of who I am today. I don''t think it happened overnight, and he didn''t suddenly transform from a perfect stranger to one of the closest people in my life. It''s been a gradual process and it will continue to be a gradual process as we move forward.

Anyway, apologies for the long''ish rant, but I wanted to share this for the benefit of anyone else who, like me, is sometimes plagued by questions of "but is he really the one?"....

M

PS: here''s the link to the NPR story: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5228344

 

[ellewoods]

Stermag:

Thanks for posting that article, I am looking forward to reading it.

And I''m sorry to go off topic but I just have to say -- your cat is the most ADORABLE thing I''ve ever seen! Is that a lime on its head? Or a orange that''s kind of green? I can''t stop smiling when I look at that picture!

 

[stermag]

Elle, no prob.

It's a melon, actually.

 

[Selkie]

What a great, thoughtful post. I''ve thought a lot about this topic, too. I''ve never really thought there was such a thing as "The One" either. At given times in my life, I''ve been with men who were right for me at that time, and with whom I was undeniably in love, but I always changed or the situation did, and as a result, the relationship did too. Most of the time, I ended it. Now, I''ve never felt like I needed to be married, and some would even consider me a committmentphobe

, if it weren''t for the fact I''ve had several long term relationships.

With my fiancé, it felt right and comfortable from the beginning. We started as friends, and the attraction grew between us naturally. The first six months of dating were fantastic. I probably would have called him "the one" at that point. And then, out of the blue at the six month point, I FREAKED out. I was on the other side of the country for work for a month, and one night just had a major panic attack about the relationship. I kept having them for a month, at least. At the time, it was inexplicable. Things were going great, we were communicating well, and I had no reservations about HIM. I think that it happened at the moment I realized that this was it, if I stayed in the relationship, it was for the long haul. It dawned on me that HE was ready for marriage (he was 37, I was 30 then). I started questioning whether I had what it would take to commit to him (not necessarily in the marital sense). It took me a long time to process this, and a lot of discussions with him, and thank whatever deity, he is a patient soul.

Basically, I decided to take the chance and stay in the relationship, almost on a purely intellectual level. However, if there hadn''t been that trust and the solid emotional basis that was established early in the relationship, I probably wouldn''t have been able to get past the fear. Honestly though, I still wonder and question, and I think I probably always will.

/impromptu therapy session.

 

[stermag]

Selkie,

Thank you for sharing that. I don''t think I''ve ever considered myself afraid of commitment, if anything I always thought I jumped in too quickly... Then again, my commitment was never really put to the test, and I wonder if I might have just been all talk all along, and now... when I''m actually on the verge of something real, and with someone who''s really ready to start cooking with oil, I''ve been exposed for what I really am - scared stiff.

And the truly ironic part is that I, like many others, have been guilty of accusing my boyfriend of not being serious enough about us. Looking back, he might have been more serious and had more figured out than I did - and boy am I glad... if it were truly left all up to me... we might not be here today...

So, I guess here''s to our men - who sometimes, despite being accused of being clueless, have more of a clue than we do.

 

[Scintillating]

Date: 2/26/2006 6:05:30 PM
Author:stermag
Is he my soul mate?

This old man said something along the lines of 'So many marriages fail today because young people go out in search of their soul mates... and a soul mate isn't someone you find, it is someone you create... through many years together, through the good times and through the bad.'

So profoundly true, and well put!

It's sad to me that more people don't seem to get this.
So many young people I know give up on relationships, they don't want to put in the real work - or they don't see that working on the relationship will get them where they want to be. They figure if a relationship is tough than it's "not meant to be" or an ill-fit. They just expect an instant soulmate - and don't realize that takes time, committment, and hard work. It's hard watching my FBIL do this. He wants real intimacy and a soul mate but doesn't know how to get there. : (


Scintillating...

 

[Cailet]

Excellent post stermag!! I''ve always thought it was kind of silly to call someone "the one" (makes me feel like one of those goofy chicks from some romantic comedy).

And I think that the quote you included is SO true. When you find the person you are willing to put in the work for then you know you''ve found a keeper!

 

[Caribou]

That's a good way to think of a soulmate. I don't know how I feel about the term 'soul mate' I think it gets caught up in the romanticism of life. Do I think my FI is my soul mate? No, I think we 'fit' perfectly together and I had a 'he's the one' moment but I've never felt he was my soul mate. I tend to more feel that way about my best friends and old high school buddies (one in the same), the ones where you can not talk to for months and pick up right where you left off, are my soul mates.

I read an article once that said a soul mate can come in many forms, it can be a parent, a person whom you met once, a friend, even a pet it's not just a romantic partner.

I love my FI so much but he's not my soul mate....and that's okay, because I know that we will be together until the end. In the end that's really all that matters.

 

[decodelighted]

Sometimes I worry about people who go on & on about their "soul mate" at the beginning of a relationship, because in my experience that "feeling" is infatuation. The rush of "I know you, you know me, we''re meant for each other" that inevitably fades. Some people spend their whole lives believing that THAT is the "love part" and when it fades with one person, they go off & have affairs etc etc..

Everyone I''ve felt "THAT" way about ... I was wrong. With my fiance -- our relationship developed with a lot less D-R-A-M-A. Life''s a marathon, not a sprint. A peeling back of layers and revelations and knowingness/intimacy. So you like each other MORE and MORE, not less & less.

I also think if you''re a person who makes the same mistakes in relationships over & over again, attracting & being attracted to the "wrong" kinds of men/women ... that "soul mate" feeling is actually "HERE''S ANOTHER ONE JUST LIKE THAT LAST ONE".

Eh, just my 2 cents.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/27/2006 4:20:57 PM
Author: decodelighted
Sometimes I worry about people who go on & on about their ''soul mate'' at the beginning of a relationship, because in my experience that ''feeling'' is infatuation. The rush of ''I know you, you know me, we''re meant for each other'' that inevitably fades. Some people spend their whole lives believing that THAT is the ''love part'' and when it fades with one person, they go off & have affairs etc etc..

Everyone I''ve felt ''THAT'' way about ... I was wrong. With my fiance -- our relationship developed with a lot less D-R-A-M-A. Life''s a marathon, not a sprint. A peeling back of layers and revelations and knowingness/intimacy. So you like each other MORE and MORE, not less & less.

I also think if you''re a person who makes the same mistakes in relationships over & over again, attracting & being attracted to the ''wrong'' kinds of men/women ... that ''soul mate'' feeling is actually ''HERE''S ANOTHER ONE JUST LIKE THAT LAST ONE''.

Eh, just my 2 cents.

I totally agree. Especially when people go on about being soul mates in the beginning. I knew someone who found out that after 5 months of dating her FI (they got engaged within 2 months of meeting) he had been cheating on her the entire time. She decided to stay with him and when asked why she said ''because he''s my soul mate'' WTF!?!?!??!

 

[stermag]

Deco, how true.

 

[Mara]

I actually believe that there is more than one person out there for you .... that you could be happy with ... but it just depends on where you are at the time in your lives, who you are at the time in your lives...timing really.

For me it was not so much that I had some bright illuminating moment where I realized Greg was THE ONE...but it was more like I could see us in my mind in various stages of life still loving each other and having fun with it and wanting to continue on together.

Whereas with my ex before Greg who I was with for 4 years...I could never imagine it. Duh because he wasn''t my future.

So for me when I *could* see that in my mind with Greg, I realized then that I wanted that.

Then I just had to wait for him to realize it too. But not too long, because once I realized it, I was like hurry up and get with the program, buddy!!

Marriage and being together is not easy, it takes work and communication is key, spending time together even when life is busy. I don''t really understand when people divorce because they have ''changed'' from who they were etc, life is all about change and just because someone is not who they were when you got married does not mean you can''t still find ways to be in-sync or appreciate the new traits about them, etc. Unless of course the person changed for the hugely worse and is now some selfish, horrible person...but even then the other partner probably still loves them!

 

[snogirl17]

wow i am listening to this right now... awesome!

 

[KristyDarling]

Ah, it''s nice to see like-minded souls on this topic.

I can''t help but do the ole eye-roll whenever someone tosses the word "soul-mate" around as if it''s some kind of magical, otherworldly thing.

I agree that there are probably dozens, hundreds, heck -- THOUSANDS of people the world over who would be compatible with me. But there''s nothing quite like building a foundation together with one great person over a lifetime....that foundation is one that can never be replicated with anyone else because you are sharing a common and unique set of life experiences. You''re growing together. That''s how that one person becomes more and more beautifully compatible with you over time.

I''m currently very frustrated with a female friend of mine, who has ended relationship after relationship the moment she feels things easing into the "old married couple" routine. She defends herself by saying, "He''s not The One if I no longer feel my heart racing when he calls, if he doesn''t bring me flowers anymore, if he doesn''t surprise me with flowers and romantic vacations. I need someone who will sweep me off my feet forever." I just feel like smacking her upside the head.

She has booted countless wonderful men because of her Hollywood-esque notions of what a relationship should be like.

Come to think of it, I think Hollywood is largely to blame for the soul-mate fallacy! Good thing not everyone has been sucked into that delusion!

 

[firebirdgold]

My bf is 'The One' for me, but I haven't ever thought of him as my soul mate. I doubt such a thing exists. I do feel that he is the only guy in the world for me, but that doesn't mean I'm not aware how much work this relationship entails. Believe me, he's difficult and I'm difficult, so I'm under no delusion that a marriage will be easy.

But he's everything I always wanted, and everything I needed but didn't necessarily want!

Even after a year and a half, my heart still leaps when I hear the phone ring with his ringtone. We just met for coffee with the afternoon sun highlighting his tired, unshaven face and my breath caught for a second because he's so handsome.
I don't think I would settle for anything less. Nor should I. I know for a fact that the same thing happens to my mother occasionally after 43 years of marriage. (talk about difficult

)

And in further defense of that 'The One' feeling, my sister has had over 18 long term relationships and not a single one managed to pin her down for a permenant commitment. (we stopped counting at 1. So Ms. Independent takes one look at this new guy and it just clicked somewhere inside her. Six months later they moved into their new house, and they'll be married 9 months after their first date! She just knew he was The One.

I am fully aware that in the past I, like most young women, used the 'soul mate' stuff to justify my delusions about the current bfs. To me, when a woman says that, it means that when they look at the guy they are seeing their fantasy guy, not the real man.

 

[Mandarine]

Wren that is so true!!!!

I lived with my ex for about a year...and that "take your breath away" feeling just wasn''t there. My sister in the other hand, had been married for about three years, and they still giggled and were crazy in love. When I broke it off with my ex, I told my sister that I didn''t want to settle for just being "happy"....I loved him but I wasn''t IN-love with him.

Now, with my BF...I still get butteflies...I still get excited when I see him, I love just hugging him and feel the whole world can pass me by and I will feel "at home" with him.

I know a relationship takes work, but I also know there is something that tells you when something is just right. More than a soulmate I like the spanish version better (media naranja -your half orange?)...because it''s just amazing when you find someone that you just "fit" with. Yes, there could be more guys out there that could "fit" me...but how lucky I am to have found this one!!!

awww...I''m just in love

 

[Mara]

Part of the reason I don''t believe in THE ONE is because throughout your life basically you change so often that there could be various right people for various points in time if that makes sense...but there definitely is something to be said for finding ''a right person'' to be with at ''a right time''. For me it''s all about timing.

Sometimes the right person (aka seems so ''right'') and the wrong time just doesn''t work out. But 5 years later that right person then would have been the right time but by then the timing is all wrong. Life moves quickly.

There are some people who just find each other at whatever point in life they are at, and are just meant to be even if the odds aren''t with you...Greg''s dad and stepmom complement each other so perfectly and they have been married for 25 years though they didn''t have it ''easy'' back then...and they still are pretty silly with each other all these years later and adore each other.

I think that is a classic example of right person, right time.

It''s funny because for us our relationship has constantly changed since we got married. We are no longer giggly giddy around the house, that is more for when we are out and about aka at dinner or on vacation, it feels more like we are dating then rather than when we are bustling around the house getting ready for work or making dinner or whatever. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to stop the daily stuff, and ''smell the flowers'' meaning appreciate your relationship, for lack of a better phrase. But one thing we HAVE started doing is becoming more in-sync with each other...we got each other the exact same Valentine''s Day card if you can believe it, and we both shopped at stores totally across 5 towns from each other, so it''s not like they were at the same store, and we both spent about 5 minutes looking before we hit on THAT card. Too funny when we opened each other''s cards. Also the other night we were driving to dinner and he was saying something and then it was silent for a minute and we both started making this noise (I won''t even describe the scenario, it''s a too silly private joke) at the same time. Greg was like WOW it''s like we''re ''one being''. So that''s kind of an interesting development.

I look forward to changes in our relationship, obviously when you first start going out it''s one thing, then a year into it, it''s another, then you get engaged and it''s yet another, then buying a house and another, then married and it''s another...we are in that stage between marriage and maybe eventual children, where the relationship totally changes again. Right now we are just enjoying it. These various milestones are fun for us to reach together and so far it''s been great.

 

[Momoftwo]

To me, your soul mate is the one you choose to be with. I just happened to find my one and only in every respect in my DH. After 25 years of marriage and all the ups and downs, I can tell you I love my husband more than ever, but it's not the same as the first year or two of "honeymoon" phase that everyone goes through. Loving someone is a choice and anyone who is in constant pursuit of that continual high will jump from relationship to relationship. Not only is it unrealistic to have that euphoria forever, it would be completely exhausting. Mara, you're right, you do change and grow and those that split up because they've changed or grown apart made that choice to not do it together. It didn't just "happen". One or both made a choice. Just like people who cheat make the decision to long before it is actually consummated, staying with someone takes the effort and choice also. Soul Mate is a Hollywood term and I'm convinced that's part of the reason divorce is so prevalent. There are days my DH and I don't like each other very much because of a disagreement or a mood, but we never let it go beyond that and we always make the choice to love each other. Our grown sons have always told us that they never worried when we argued because they knew divorce was not an option and how committed we are to each other and our marriage. Looking for that soul mate will lead to a lot of disappointment because no one can live up to that label for very long. And our giggly giddy moments are for us alone and still happen just not every minute of every day. And of course we think of the same thing to say at the same time and generally think alike after all these years. It's really funny because we know what the other is thinking because we're thinking the same thing.

 

[stermag]

When I started this thread, I equated the term "soul mate" with what others often refere to as "the one". Having read some of the posts here, I see that many like to differentiate the two, which is fine. Personally, both terms evoke similar feelings and thus I treat them as synonymous.

Having said that, what prompted me to write is the fact that I am on the verge of making a lifelong commitment to someone without the unquestionable, irrefutable conviction that some women here have demonstrated. In other words, I am not able to ascertain whether this is really going to work, I have no way of knowing whether he will really love me forever, and for that matter, whether I will. And so, sometimes I wonder: on what grounds have I made the decision to stay in this relationship? Let me make myself perfectly clear: I seldom, if ever, question whether I want to be with this man, I just cannot comprehend the process by which I arrived at this decision... or when.

And all of this makes me think that it isn''t a decision at all, because a decision can be explained: I decided to brush my teeth before bed because it''s good hygiene. A decision can be substantiated with reason. But if I go to an ice cream shop and buy a scoop of chocolate, it isn''t a decision I make, it''s a choice. I chose chocolate because I prefer it. Why? I don''t know. I just prefer it. There is no real reason behind it.

So here I am, on the brink of the next step, the step I only want to take once, but I have nothing, apart from an unsubstantiated preference for this man, to guide me .... Is this normal? Is this enough? Why are some women able to gush about how in love they are, how they and their significant others complete one another in every way, and how there was this magic moment when everything became clear to them? Their ability to do this is making me think that I''m missing something and yet... when I look around me, I feel as though everthing is right where it should be.

What gives?

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 2/27/2006 10:48:15 PM
Author: stermag

and yet... when I look around me, I feel as though everthing is right where it should be.

You just answered your own question.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 2/27/2006 10:55:15 PM
Author: Wren

Date: 2/27/2006 10:48:15 PM
Author: stermag

and yet... when I look around me, I feel as though everthing is right where it should be.

You just answered your own question.

100% agreed!

I asked my mom how you know when you have found the one? She couldn''t give me an answer. Something my bf and I have talked about tho is how lightly so many people walk into marriage these days, with an attitude that if things don''t work out divorce is always an option. That attitude really makes me sick. Brad Pitt said it "I don''t think marriage is lifelong anymore" or something to that effect. And I personally think that is absolute bullcrap! I for one am looking for my soul mate, the one, but perhaps people just don''t like those words because of the stereotypes and fantasy-like connotations that come with them. No I don''t believe that we are perfect for eachother and that we will never have our issues or arguments etc etc, we will, but part of being together and soul mates or w/e is that we work through those problems together and love eachother even more for it. As cheesy as it is, I have to say the Noah said it best in The Notebook at the very end.

Ally "Look at us we''re already fighting!"
Noah "Of course we are thats what we do, you tell me when I''m being a son of a b*tch and I tell you when you''re being a pain in the ass. But your feelings have like a 10 second rebound and then you''re right bacl doing the next pain in the ass thing. And its gonna be tough and we''re gonna have to work at it. But thats what I want, I want you, I want all of you for myself!"

Ok so maybe I don''t have the quote perfect but you get the idea. I believe that we each can be meant for one or maybe more people but the person that you are meant to be with will be so worth it that you two can work through any obstacle to be together.

Probably doesn''t make much sense but heh I tried.

 

[Selkie]

I wonder when, exactly, the concept of "The one" or "soulmate" took over the more practical motivations people had for getting married. The concept of romantic love has been around forever (since at least the 14th century, anyway), and there have always been couples who married "for love." Honestly, however, how many people in the 14th through 19th centuries had the luxury of waiting for their perfect mate to get married? As an American ideal, "The One" probably has a lot to do with popular images of true love becoming widely dispersed at the same time that marriage became less about forming practical partnerships for farming, family business, political alliances, etc. OK, now I sound like Women''s History 101.

Anyway, stermag, maybe the fact that you (and I, and others) have put so much thought into trying to figure out WHY your relationship works (at least right now) despite the lack of utter "conviction" that it is the end-all and be-all forever and ever, is exactly what improves the odds that it will continue to work? Others might be blindsided when the perfect partner turns out to be less than perfect, but you''ll have the ability to adapt because you''re aware that things can change.

 

[MINE!!]

MY DH asked himself this question (how do you know if someone is the one?) HE plagued himself with it. It was as if he needed a real concrete answer. Finally I said,'' look while you are sitting around trying to use your mind to answer your question, your heart is thinking you are an idiot for not listening to it answering your question.'' Your heart and your mind have to agree, but you cannot choose with only one of them.

 

[stermag]

Date: 2/28/2006 1:16:49 AM
Anyway, stermag, maybe the fact that you (and I, and others) have put so much thought into trying to figure out WHY your relationship works (at least right now) despite the lack of utter ''conviction'' that it is the end-all and be-all forever and ever, is exactly what improves the odds that it will continue to work? Others might be blindsided when the perfect partner turns out to be less than perfect, but you''ll have the ability to adapt because you''re aware that things can change.

Selkie, thank you for this, once again. It really made me feel better.

 

[Selkie]

stermag, you''re welcome...and thank you again for posting this originally! I''m glad I''m not the only one out there who plagues herself with questioning.

I''ve read a couple of interesting books recently. One that just came out recently is "Emotionally Engaged: The Bride''s Guide to Surviving the ''Happiest'' Time of Her Life" by Allison Moir-Smith, a therapist who specializes in helping women with anxiety/cold feet/premarital jitters. It''s obviously aimed at women who are engaged, but I think a lot of it is applicable to those who are in serious relationships/"pre-engaged" as well.

The other one is "Getting to Commitment" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, which talks a lot about how being in relationships is really a conscious decision, and argues that if we wait for utter certainty, we''ll be waiting a long time.

 

[stermag]

Ah, I''ll be sure to check them out. I have a $50 gift certificate to a book store just burning a hole in my pocket.

Although it doesn''t pertain specifically to the early stages of a relationship (I mean early in the grand scheme of things), "Toward Commitment" a book by Diane and John Rehm was a good read as well. When I worked in public radio, it was bouncing around the office and I picked it up one day. I find advice, stories and opinions offered by people who have been in the trenches, so to speak, for many, many years really soothing and inspiring.

Chapter after chapter, they discuss, very openly, different aspects of their relationship - from fidelity and sex to getting older and, eventually, dying. People tend to have a much more balanced outlook on life by that point. It is less about the highest of highs and lowest of lows, as it tends to be for younger folks, perhaps. Although is it always necessarily the young that oscillate so much?

I think, above all, I seek a sort of equilibrium. No earth-shattering excitement, just lots of quiet pleasures.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 2/28/2006 6:08:15 PM
Author: stermag

I think, above all, I seek a sort of equilibrium. No earth-shattering excitement, just lots of quiet pleasures.

Oh, my god, absolutely. My last major relationship was full of drama, just a giant rollercoaster ride. I thought that it was true love, turns out it was mostly adrenaline. What I have now is so much better.

How long have you been with your SO?

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 2/26/2006 6:05:30 PM
Author:stermag

What really struck me, however, and immediately put me at ease was an excerpt from an interview with an old man who''s been married for many, many decades... This old man said something along the lines of ''So many marriages fail today because young people go out in search of their soul mates... and a soul mate isn''t someone you find, it is someone you create... through many years together, through the good times and through the bad.''

Today''s Washington Post has an article on premarital counseling, and they specifically address misconceptions about soul mates:



" One of the first things many premarital therapists do is to explode persistent myths that help sabotage marriages: that love is the most important predictor of marital happiness; that shared interests are a bulwark against divorce; and that true soul mates don''t fight.

"All are false, researchers have found."



The whole article can be found here.

 

[stermag]

Selkie,

Our third anniversary was in January. Granted, we spent some of that time apart, first on different continents, then in different states, but I see it as no less important. In fact, that time was the first in my life that I really spent alone, and it was very empowering, although a little bit like riding a bike with training wheels on (i.e. I was alone, but not single).

The latter (being single) was, for a long time, a scary proposition for me... and subsequently, during my current relationship, I''ve often had to do a quick "check" - "am I here because I''m afraid of being by myself?"

Most recently, this past December, I tried to visualize my life pretending that we broke up and it really was quite scary, but the reason surprised me. It wasn''t that I feared being by myself, it''s that I could not fathom not having him with me. Subtle difference, superficially... but a big one, at the core.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 2/28/2006 9:09:08 PM
Author: stermag
Selkie,

Our third anniversary was in January. Granted, we spent some of that time apart, first on different continents, then in different states, but I see it as no less important. In fact, that time was the first in my life that I really spent alone, and it was very empowering, although a little bit like riding a bike with training wheels on (i.e. I was alone, but not single).

The latter (being single) was, for a long time, a scary proposition for me... and subsequently, during my current relationship, I''ve often had to do a quick ''check'' - ''am I here because I''m afraid of being by myself?''

Most recently, this past December, I tried to visualize my life pretending that we broke up and it really was quite scary, but the reason surprised me. It wasn''t that I feared being by myself, it''s that I could not fathom not having him with me. Subtle difference, superficially... but a big one, at the core.

OMG HUGE difference! It is one of the biggest reasons I believe my BF to be "the one" or w/e terminology you want to use. We had an argument of sorts tonight (don''t know thats what it should be called really) and I mentioned that I asked my mother how you know when you have met the person you are meant to spend your life with. And even though it was over the phone, I could hear the excitement in his voice that someone might have an answer to that question. He was a bit disappointed when I told him she had no answer. Obviously it is something he has been struggling with too and not been sharing.I think it can be a difficult topic to talk about without sounding like you are skeptical about the relationship but a good one as well. Hmmmmm.....