Soul mate?

[Mara]

Date: 2/28/2006 3:50:01 PM
Author: stermag

Date: 2/28/2006 1:16:49 AM
Anyway, stermag, maybe the fact that you (and I, and others) have put so much thought into trying to figure out WHY your relationship works (at least right now) despite the lack of utter ''conviction'' that it is the end-all and be-all forever and ever, is exactly what improves the odds that it will continue to work? Others might be blindsided when the perfect partner turns out to be less than perfect, but you''ll have the ability to adapt because you''re aware that things can change.

Selkie, thank you for this, once again. It really made me feel better.

I totally agree on this as well...

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 2/27/2006 6:40:50 PM
Author: KristyDarling
Ah, it's nice to see like-minded souls on this topic.

I can't help but do the ole eye-roll whenever someone tosses the word 'soul-mate' around as if it's some kind of magical, otherworldly thing.

I agree that there are probably dozens, hundreds, heck -- THOUSANDS of people the world over who would be compatible with me. But there's nothing quite like building a foundation together with one great person over a lifetime....that foundation is one that can never be replicated with anyone else because you are sharing a common and unique set of life experiences. You're growing together. That's how that one person becomes more and more beautifully compatible with you over time.

I'm currently very frustrated with a female friend of mine, who has ended relationship after relationship the moment she feels things easing into the 'old married couple' routine. She defends herself by saying, 'He's not The One if I no longer feel my heart racing when he calls, if he doesn't bring me flowers anymore, if he doesn't surprise me with flowers and romantic vacations. I need someone who will sweep me off my feet forever.' I just feel like smacking her upside the head.

She has booted countless wonderful men because of her Hollywood-esque notions of what a relationship should be like.

Come to think of it, I think Hollywood is largely to blame for the soul-mate fallacy! Good thing not everyone has been sucked into that delusion!

well, soul mates or no, I think you should weather a good flu during engagement. when you can hold someone's head while they are sick, or clean up the mess. that's marriage and enduring love. it's not all flowers and candy and butterflies in the stomach -- sometimes it's vomit. when you can see someone at thier worst.

we met and married quickly but we always did fit together like a pair of comfy slippers. love is not drama or pain. marriage love is knowing he will be there when i get home,even if he is in the garage working on wood.

 

[Momoftwo]

Also, I read something just this week that the notion of romantic "falling in love" is a concept that is pretty much chemical in basis and runs it''s course in 12-18 months. After that, commitment to making it work are what keeps love alive, not that "feeling" that should just be there. Donald Trump said (something along the lines of) once that relationships shouldn''t need "work", and basically something like, if they do, they''re not right or something like that. Gee, from a man that''s now on his third marriage, obviously he''s learned nothing.

So, anyone who married before that 12-18 month period is up, is taking a risk in that after the chemicals wear off, one or the other might decide to go. A lot of marriages fail in the first year or two because of disillusionment of what it is, not because people weren''t right for each other, but because they don''t understand what marriage really is.

I have a family member who left his first marriage after 13 years and two children because he didnt'' have his "soul mate" and felt he deserved that. He''s now engaged again after less than one year and I''m afraid he''s heading down the same path again because he really thinks it always has to be "easy".

 

[elepri]

I remember reading a family therapy study somewhere that as long as for each negative interaction you have 3 positive ones, then the marriage works and people are much less likely to get divorced. So it doesn''t have to always be easy but when it becomes mostly work, it''s just not worth it anymore and marriages tend to fall apart. Kind of make sense.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 3/4/2006 1:40:23 PM
Author: Momoftwo
Also, I read something just this week that the notion of romantic ''falling in love'' is a concept that is pretty much chemical in basis and runs it''s course in 12-18 months. After that, commitment to making it work are what keeps love alive, not that ''feeling'' that should just be there. .

Well that''s good to know! I''ts very reassuring to me since my bf and I are entering our 20th month with things just getting better all the time.

Oh, I''ve got to get from my mom the name of this great relationship book. But it basically said that two of the best predictors of people staying together was if both remembered the earlier parts of their relationship happily, and if they could argue without attacking the other person outside of the bounds of the argument. eg: You never listen to me, you''re so selfish, you''re a pig-headed b@$%@#d etc.. Obviously there were more than two predictors, but I can''t remember them off-hand.

 

[chickflick]

I think we all have read too many romance novels or watched too many romantic movies (I''m the worst- see my screen name!!) It makes us believe that we''ll hear a stranger''s voice on the radio and instantly know that he''s "the one". That may happen for some people, but we''re all different so when our love story doesn''t fit that mold we immediately begin to question its validity. Our society also fosters the need for immediate gratification so people want to believe it''s just that easy rather than understanding that relationships deepen through years of challenges, shared experiences and loving understanding of one another.

Most of the (very few) issues that Jim and I have had in our relationship have happened when I''ve stopped trusting my own instincts and let other people (older women in my life, friends, characters in chick flicks) influence me too much. From the outside our relationship looks a bit strange- he''s younger, I''m Christian and he''s on the fence, etc.- but we completely balance each other and in all the ways that are important such as raising our children or planning our future we''re completely in synch.

Thank you so much for sharing such a wonderful article!!

 

[chickflick]

Date: 3/4/2006 7:11:07 AM
Author: ladykemma
well, soul mates or no, I think you should weather a good flu during engagement. when you can hold someone''s head while they are sick, or clean up the mess. that''s marriage and enduring love. it''s not all flowers and candy and butterflies in the stomach -- sometimes it''s vomit. when you can see someone at thier worst.

we met and married quickly but we always did fit together like a pair of comfy slippers. love is not drama or pain. marriage love is knowing he will be there when i get home,even if he is in the garage working on wood.

I just read this and actually have tears in my eyes because it''s so simple, beautiful and true. My favorite, favorite part of the day is that moment when I hear Jim''s key in the door and know he''s home. Thank you so much for sharing that!

 

[AlaskanGrl]

Thanks for the great posts, you''ve made me realize I need to "CHILL" and not worry about things so much. That I am "normal" and everything doesn''t have to be perfect to be right.

Best Wishes in everything you do and to your family!!