Soulmates?

[Pandora II]

I''m with you in that at lot comes down to word definition.

Maybe I just had such awful past relationships that this one seems like a breeze? Who knows!

I know what you mean on the work thing too. I had a job years ago where I could barely believe that I actually got paid to do something I loved anyway. Monday mornings seemed like Friday evenings do now!

In the end, as always it''s horses for courses.

Just because Freke and I don''t feel that we have to work at things in anyway and that life is pretty much a bed of roses relationship-wise doesn''t make our relationships better or worse than anyone elses.

Some people thrive on conflict and would find constant agreement dull.

I just feel happy that I''m where I am - as I hope everyone on PS does!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/1/2008 8:14:03 AM
Author: Pandora II
I''m with you in that at lot comes down to word definition.

Maybe I just had such awful past relationships that this one seems like a breeze? Who knows!

I know what you mean on the work thing too. I had a job years ago where I could barely believe that I actually got paid to do something I loved anyway. Monday mornings seemed like Friday evenings do now!

In the end, as always it''s horses for courses.

Just because Freke and I don''t feel that we have to work at things in anyway and that life is pretty much a bed of roses relationship-wise doesn''t make our relationships better or worse than anyone elses.

Some people thrive on conflict and would find constant agreement dull.

I just feel happy that I''m where I am - as I hope everyone on PS does!

Word to that.

In my previous relationship to a guy I thought I would marry, it was the most ''work'' I''ve ever put into anything!!! Terrible. And I thought that was how it was supposed to be! More terrible!!! So I''m probably most happy to be with someone who hates fighting instead of someone who enjoys pushing my buttons to piss me off.

 

[Tar Heel]

When I got engaged to my now ex-wife (ironic), we took a mini-class with the pastor of her church. Included was a quiz we each had to take separately. One of the questions was "do you feel you will only love your SO for the rest of your life? i.e. Is there no other person you could fall in love with?"

We both answered ''yes, she/he is the only one I''ll ever love''. I''m not sure of her reason for that answer but mine was simply to prevent a fight later on.

Anyway, the pastor went through the answers and stopped at that one and said we were both completely out of our minds. There are MANY people you can, have and will fall in love with in your life. It''s completely naive to think this is the only person for you.

I agreed (on the inside), but was shocked that a pastor, sitting in the church (Lutheran if it matters to anyone), is saying such "reality" comments and who knows if it''ll all work out in the end.

Eye opening and I probably should have looked a little deeper at that point rather than 7 years into my marriage...oops.

For the record, I have NOW found the most amazing woman and can''t wait to marry her! (Yeah.."he really IS into her").

 

[musey]

Tar_Heel, that''s interesting about your pastor!! That almost seems like a trick question

 

[Bliss]

I''m going to be radical here, but here''s what I''ve learned...

And I learned the hard way! I was raised pretty sheltered and didn''t date much at all. So I held a lot of fantasies and fairy tales in my noggin growing up, even as a young woman. I also watched all the romantic comedies and TV and believed that there was a "magic" person out there. And that you would "just know."

Now, at 30... I have found that a soulmate is grown and nourished. Created, essentially -- by two people who make a true commitment and work things out through the good and the bad times. That''s the beauty of the relationship. That''s where the REAL excitement and passion and trust come into play.

True intimacy, passion and the most amazing love ever comes from that, at least for me. That''s the real stuff. I think our society and Hollywood sell people a lie -- and the lie is, you have to be happy and ecstatic 100% of the time. And if you''re not, there is a magic person who will "complete" you. And that''s why there are so many divorces. People can''t bear to be in pain or unhappy, not even for one second. It''s not realistic!

Hey, even our moms... who love us more than themselves...drive us CRAZY. We have been through good and bad times. And the bond is unbreakable. We love them because they drive us up the wall. We love them because we see their shortcomings and great great triumphs as human beings. We love them for being HUMAN... and for loving us in return. It''s really the closest thing to God''s love I believe we will ever experience on the planet. Even there, are ups and downs! So how can you expect to have that perfection in another human being with his own set of issues? Impossible! The flaws are what make us so lovable and real.

The stuff in life that hurts, that''s real. That''s what friends, God, hobbies and family are for! We can''t expect one guy to solve all of that -- be our venting outlet ALL the time, be our gal pal, be our lover, be our pain remover... he''s just one piece of the larger whole. And the work comes from working on OURSELVES. If you change yourself, you can change the world.

The truth is, as a grown up, you realize you are not orgasmically ecstatic 100% of the time. You grow the most during the tough times. And those times build so much character and confidence. And the wounds also make you more compassionate to your fellow man (and woman!).

So that, for me is a soulmate. That''s not to say there is no romance... I have to say, since I *chose* my soulmate. I choose to be with him because of his values, he is good for me and I am good for him. I love him dearly. He is my best friend. And I actively choose every day to see him as my ultimate best friend, partner and lover... that has been the magic. I trust him completely and we have the most amazing chemistry. That only comes with time and dedication.

We expect so much in society -- to lose weight with a pill. No exercise. No good nutrition. We want it now and we want it with no work! But that''s just not how lasting and tremendous accomplishments are built.

Often, the instant "soulmate" feeling is actually a red flag. It''s kind of like your inner need crying out for that person to solve all your problems and instantly make a perfect romantic life shielded from reality. It''s not sustainable. You can escape in that for only so long and it will become stale as reality creeps in.

Sometimes it can work, but only if it''s backed up by things you can build upon -- similar views, real selfless love, the ability to communicate honestly and openly, trust, laughter, spiritual views...

From that, the potential for a soulmate is born and in that firm hand-in-hand commitment is it created.

It''s actually quite beautiful and romantic. (sigh!)

 

[musey]

Date: 5/1/2008 4:21:57 PM
Author: Bliss
I''m going to be radical here, but here''s what I''ve learned...

I don''t think that''s radical at all, at least not compared to the rest of the replies!

 

[Bliss]

Musey! What a huge relief!

You are so right. I wrote the above post without reading all the other replies (because I was compelled to write from the heart before seeing everyone else''s replies). And it''s amazing to see!

I really expected a lot of people to think there were magical soulmates out there who might appear and tear out our souls when we were happily married! LOL.

Such an interesting topic, though. Cheers, everyone!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/1/2008 4:21:57 PM
Author: Bliss

So that, for me is a soulmate. That''s not to say there is no romance... I have to say, since I *chose* my soulmate. I choose to be with him because of his values, he is good for me and I am good for him. I love him dearly. He is my best friend. And I actively choose every day to see him as my ultimate best friend, partner and lover... that has been the magic. I trust him completely and we have the most amazing chemistry. That only comes with time and dedication.

Nice! Agreed.

 

[risingsun]

Beautifully written, Bliss.

 

[miraclesrule]

Bliss, that was beautiful. So, so, true. And reaffirming.