stealing thunder?

[JenStone]

Hi brides-to-be,

I figured posting this question on this board might get more responses....

My boyfriend has purchased a ring and I''m just waiting for him to officially propose.

However, when he told his brother about his plans to pop the question, his brother got offended and told him that he prefers that my boyfriend wait until August (at the earliest) to propose. His brother is getting married at the end of July and said that my boyfriend and I would be stealing his and his fiancee''s thunder if we get engaged before their wedding.

(I''m so tempted to call them up and remind them that they got engaged after just a year when I''ve been waiting more than three and a half....but I''ll be good)

So if you were in my boyfriend''s brother & fiancee''s shoes, would you feel the same way?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Well it''s not like your bf is going to ask you on the day of or at their wedding...I don''t understand people like that. I would say to not listed to them and get engaged whenever you and your bf think it''s the right time. However, I would wait until after the wedding to throw an engagement party (if you plan to have one).

HH

 

[anchor31]

To be frank, I think that''s just selfish. How can getting engaged before he gets married stealing his thunder? I really don''t understand people who think that their family and friends should dtop breathing because they''re getting married.

No, imo, it''s not stealing thunder... His brother is an adult and he should behave like one. If your boyfriend wants to pop the question before August, then he should!

 

[littlelysser]

Yeah, that is a bit redic!

It''d be one thing if your BF was planning on proposing during their reception...but otherwise...I think fbil''s is kind of um, silly and immature.

Feh.

 

[Stephanie]

That''s crazy! Why should someone else dictate the time when a proposal should be done?

 

[Dee*Jay]

This reminds me of that thread where someone didn''t want her friend to get married in Hawaii because *she* got married in Hawaii.

Geez, people need to get over themselves...

Jen, I hope your boyfriend ignores this ridiculous comment and proposes to you at the perfect moment--whenever that might be!

 

[diamondfan]

NO! That is totally being selfish in my opinion. You should not have to put your lives on hold for months over his wedding. Did he consult your brother when he was planning to propose to his wife to be? You are allowed to live your life.

My cousin, on the other hand, got engaged the day before my wedding, and spent my entire WEDDING the next day announcing it to all our guests and showing her ring off. Now THAT is uncool, and most of my friends said, Congratulations, but this is HER day today! I was pretty steamed later when I heard what she had been doing. (But at one of my engagement parties a few months earlier when she had been single, her dad said something to her about my being the first in the family to get married (and I was one of the youngest), she annnounced, loudly, "I can get married any time I want!'' Bingo, 6 months later she has started dating and gotten engaged to a guy and uses my wedding as her announcement venue. (They were divorced in a year and she has been married twice since then).

 

[JenStone]

Thanks everyone - the funny thing is, I think his brother is more bothered by it than the fiancee. He''s been a bit of a groomzilla while engaged; his fiancee constantly tells him to relax. To be honest, I really want to be engaged at the time of their wedding so that I can dodge the sympathy looks, the "So when are you getting married" questions, etc. It also doesn''t help that we''ve been together a year longer than them and we''re older as well.

 

[basil]

I got engaged about a month before my cousin''s wedding. Far as I know, she wasn''t offended. It did make me a little uncomfortable when my grandma was parading my hand around to various family members, though. Most people took it as "great, we have another party to look forward to!"

If my brother got engaged right before my wedding, I think I''d be thrilled, honestly.

 

[neatfreak]

It''s crazy and selfish. I think some people get so wrapped up in themselves during the wedding process that they forget what it''s like to be decent human beings!!!

They get ONE day. That''s it. If they don''t want him to propose on THAT day, they can say so. But as far as I''m concerned, any other day is totally fair game!

 

[Independent Gal]

I echo what everyone else says. Why wouldn''t it just add to the joy? Honestly, if one of my siblings got engaged a month or so before I got married, I would be SO FREAKING HAPPY!!!! All the more to celebrate while we''re all gatherd together.

You''ve been through so much for his family already. I think your bf should put his foot down on this one.

 

[JenStone]

Date: 6/21/2007 9:55:38 AM
Author: diamondfan
NO! That is totally being selfish in my opinion. You should not have to put your lives on hold for months over his wedding. Did he consult your brother when he was planning to propose to his wife to be? You are allowed to live your life.


My cousin, on the other hand, got engaged the day before my wedding, and spent my entire WEDDING the next day announcing it to all our guests and showing her ring off. Now THAT is uncool, and most of my friends said, Congratulations, but this is HER day today! I was pretty steamed later when I heard what she had been doing. (But at one of my engagement parties a few months earlier when she had been single, her dad said something to her about my being the first in the family to get married (and I was one of the youngest), she annnounced, loudly, ''I can get married any time I want!'' Bingo, 6 months later she has started dating and gotten engaged to a guy and uses my wedding as her announcement venue. (They were divorced in a year and she has been married twice since then).

Ok that''s just....WRONG. I''m so sorry that happened on your wedding day.

 

[Efe]

What is the matter with people. Tell his brother that you have decided that you will keep your original plans or you would be happy to get engaged immediately after their wedding, preferably at their reception, so as to honor his wishes and keep to your original plans as closely as possible. Geez.

 

[JenStone]

I wanted to add...my boyfriend just told me this as a FYI. He still won''t tell me when he''s proposing but he''s completely ignoring his brother on this one and said he''s going to have a long talk with him about how he''s been acting throughout his engagement (basically, a spoiled brat). But he WILL hold off on the talk until after the wedding.

 

[ladyciel]

There is definite agreement here that FBIL sounds like he''s being selfish about this. However, I think it''s probably important to figure out what''s driving his insecurity before throwing his request to the side as completely selfish. Is there a tendency in the family to pay more attention to one sibling or the other? If FBIL feels like your BF gets more attention than him (Grandma''s favorite, Uncle Jack''s golf buddy...) in general, then that may explain his defensiveness. Ever been in the middle of telling a great story when the life of the party walks in and you (and your story) are suddenly forgotten? Hey may also be fearing what happend to diamondfan.

Put in the context that he''s been a groomzilla the whole time, then the above may not have anything to do with it. Whatever the case, I would say do your own thing, just be respectful of his/their feelings when celebrating and sharing the news (as you already seem to have planned).

 

[So_happy]

His request is plain ole ridiculous. I hope your FFI does not listen to him!

 

[door knob solitaire]

Argghhh...

People have some nerve. No one owns a season, a month, A COLOR, A CAKE.....or even a location. I realize you can''t just tell him this...but if he doesn''t stand up to Groomzilla you kids are setting a precedence and giving into this nutcase.

Next thing you know you won''t be able to have dinner at Chez Maries because that is where they are planning to have their first anniversay dinner.

I agree it is far better to be engaged before...but not for the reason you may be thinking...it is because of the THE FAMILY photos. This is SOOOO awkward if you aren''t technically a member yet. Be prepared for someone to come and wisk you out of the scene...it happened to me. Funny, I lasted longer than the marriage...and I am still here! Tisk. Tisk. Tisk. (you could tell the story to your FI about someone on the board not yet engaged at a family wedding and the rude exclusions she experienced....just in passing...) I know I am always telling hubby about some silly little board thing. Surely you do the same.

Now that I am calm...you may look at it another way...take the high road...cause this one is definately wallowing in the mud. Let the baby have his way...in the long run IT WILL be him that takes the character hit. And one more advantage you may not be focusing on...this enables your wedding planning to take advantage of all the monumental mistakes theirs is going to have. They will be taking notes at yours...and there you will be having learned through their mistakes. "Wow!!!"...mean ol'' thunder says...."wish we had thought of that!"

Your fella just may surprise you...so don''t let Groomzilla STEAL your blue skys...let him rumble in nasty old thunder.

DKS

 

[JenStone]

Date: 6/21/2007 10:34:36 AM
Author: ladyciel
There is definite agreement here that FBIL sounds like he''s being selfish about this. However, I think it''s probably important to figure out what''s driving his insecurity before throwing his request to the side as completely selfish. Is there a tendency in the family to pay more attention to one sibling or the other? If FBIL feels like your BF gets more attention than him (Grandma''s favorite, Uncle Jack''s golf buddy...) in general, then that may explain his defensiveness. Ever been in the middle of telling a great story when the life of the party walks in and you (and your story) are suddenly forgotten? Hey may also be fearing what happend to diamondfan.


Put in the context that he''s been a groomzilla the whole time, then the above may not have anything to do with it. Whatever the case, I would say do your own thing, just be respectful of his/their feelings when celebrating and sharing the news (as you already seem to have planned).

He threw a hissy fit a couple of weekends ago when there was a minor issue re: the tuxes and my boyfriend didn''t immediately call him back. At the time, we were on a cross-country flight from NY to CA and he knew about this. He then called his parents and complained to them that my boyfriend was being a bad best man.

IMO, if you''re old enough to get married, you don''t need to go running to mommy and daddy.

Anyway, I''m glad to see that others feel the same way I do. And the most important thing is that my boyfriend thinks his brother is being ridiculous too.

Hmm now I''m tempted to start a thread about groomzillas...

Anyone have any good groomzilla stories?

 

[dmamsquared]

Instead of telling you, I think that your FI should have dealt with his younger sibling right then and there. FI doesn''t need anyone telling him when he should propose. And he certainly doesn''t need anyone''s permission. ** Now that you know that your FSI seems to be cool, let the brothers work this one out.

 

[princesss]

What BS! Honestly, it''s not like any questions about your engagement at the wedding couldn''t easily be deflected. "Oh, what a beautiful ring!" "Why, thank you. Don''t you think the bride is just glowing today?" "Congratulations on your engagement!" "Oh, thank you, I only hope I have as wonderful a wedding as this."

Psh. People need to calm down.

 

[FireGoddess]

It''s totally ridiculous. Maybe the world should stop spinning until they get married.

I''m sure your boyfriend was POed - I would be too!!! He shouldn''t, and DOESN''T have to wait for his brother to get married first. It''s not a competition for attention.

 

[Fancy605]

I am gld your b/f is ignoring his brother''s crazy request because I agree with everyone else. It is silly for him to expect his brother to hold off his life until AFTER the wedding. WHAT? You get ONE wedding day, not a wedding month, not a wedding year. ONE day (and perhaps 2 if you count the rehersal and everything). Having engaged people show up at the wedding is not a big deal. "don''t get engaged before my wedding" indeed! Should people also avoid activities that may lead to them becoming pregnant so that they will not divert attention from the bride and groom by mentioning that they are having a baby? And everyone should also avoid making exciting career changes because the only people with big news should be the bride and groom, and we are celebrating their wedding and nothing else. Where is the icon of a smiley face rolling its eyes when I need one?

Your FBIL needs to chill out a little. I would think it would be good if you got engaged. It seems like a nice ice breaker for when you meet other guests.

 

[surfgirl]

Your FBIL is stupid and immature.

And your bf needs to propose to you before their wedding "just because". Okay, so that is also immature but still, the whole concept is ridiculous! Get engaged. Be happy! Just don''t show off your ring too much during their wedding reception...because as a PSer, we all know your ering will blow away theirs so dont show it off too much.

 

[snlee]

I agree with what everyone else has said. It''s selfish of your FBIL to get offended and make that ridiculous request. As long as you don''t do what diamondfan''s cousin did (which I''m sure you won''t!) there if no need to wait to wait and get engaged AFTER their wedding. diamondfan, I''m sorry that happened on your wedding day!

 

[Jas12]

Deejay said it: people need to get over themselves!!! How crazy!!!

2 stories: My sister and boyfriend have been together 5 years. Apparently boyfriend does not want to propose to sister until after I get married for this very reason...i said ''please'' do it, take some of the attention off me,haha b/c i certainly don''t need it all!
Same sort of thing at my shower. Friend just recently got engaged...we were all gushing over her ring and she then turned to me and said- this is not good--it''s supossed to be all about you! Truth is, i was never so happy as to have the focus away from me for a few minutes! People staring at me and asking a million questions makes me nervous...so i guess it depends on one''s personality, but i like to share the excitment with someone!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Are you really sure you want to marry into this family?

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/21/2007 7:58:15 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Well it''s not like your bf is going to ask you on the day of or at their wedding...I don''t understand people like that. I would say to not listed to them and get engaged whenever you and your bf think it''s the right time. However, I would wait until after the wedding to throw an engagement party (if you plan to have one).

HH

Yeah, I feel the same way. I think they are being unreasonable.

 

[Kaleigh]

Well that just takes the cake!!! How crazy is that?? I certainly hope your FFI doesn''t listen to his brother. Sheesh, what''s wrong with people these days??? UGHHH

 

[beachbound]

This happened to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. Her brother proposed to his GF 8 weeks before her wedding. The next day, her FSIL acted like her wedding was an inconvenience to her (and she was the MOH!) Her FSIL was so caught up in planning her own wedding that she didn''t throw my friend a wedding shower, bachelorette party or even smile in the pictures the day of the wedding! People are ridiculous when it comes to weddings sometimes. People get a little too bride/groomzilla and completely forget about others. I don''t understand why people become so territorial over things like that! Congratulations to you and your BF, I''m glad he''s not going to allow his brother to tell him what to do.

 

[jaustin]

Like everyone else said, that''s a really childish way of thinking. I have four friends that got married within six months of me and my husband:

June 10th
August 12th
September 16th (my wedding)
December 2nd
December 16th

Not only that but we were dating the longest (2 1/2 years) and we were the last to get engaged. We didn''t make a big deal about it because it wasn''t up to us when everyone else got engaged (or married). The only one who threw a fit about it was the youngest bride (She''s 1. Hers was the last wedding and they were one of the first to get engaged. So yeah, I think that''s really immature do make a big deal out of getting ENGAGED close to someones wedding. The thing that I can''t stress enough, though, is don''t let anyone make an announcement that you two got engaged at the wedding. I''ve actually seen that happen!!