Stuck in the middle..

[sparklyheart]

I would simply tell him that you understand he's upset or unhappy but that you're not the person he should be talking to about this. And add that you'd prefer not to be involved because you like them both and you're going to be neutral territory moving forward. Period. End of story.

I've learned this the hard way. You want to be supportive, understanding and even sometimes the peacekeeper...but it's not your marriage to save. You shouldn't discuss their goings-on with anyone other than your own husband in the privacy of your home, and let the two of them work it out or not.

At the end of it all, marriages work out and marriages fail. The person in the middle of it all, who shouldn't be in the middle of it all, is universally the one who gets burnt. Put yourself first and let the two of sort of their marriage.

Thank you for your comments Italia. The bolded part is what made me realize I needed to get away from this. A group of us went on a trip last month and he went off about stuff when we got stuck outside at one point.. I just stood there kind of numb while he said some stuff.. I think that's when it hit me that he wanted me to respond and maybe even support him.. It was then that I realized I need to do something because like you said, it's not my marriage to save. Nothing else had happened until this weekend though so it's kind of hard to just randomly bring up things that happened a month ago. Now that something else has happened I think I need to say something and just be there for her.

 

[movie zombie]

really? she's your best friend? really? you didn't tell him to knock it off with the texting re their relationship but came here to ask what to do? you put yourself in the awkward position by not setting limits. again, who is your best female friend? i just don't get why you are even asking what to do. yes, in reading this over i realize it is harsh. but then, i really do not get why you put yourself in this position........


MoZo

 

[Winks_Elf]

I have to agree with MoZo. This really is a no-brainer.

You said she's your BFF. The moment he started texting you with the complaints about his marriage he overstepped his bounds. He went to a bachelor party, obviously was drinking, and starts texting YOU? Obviously this man is wanting a lot more than friendship, and simply by responding to him you are encouraging him.

A good friend wants to keep the peace. A BEST friend wants her BFF to not only be happy, but not have blinders on to a roving husband. Show her the text messages. She may be stronger than you think. The only way you would feel uncomfortable bringing this to her attention is if you actually have something to feel guilty for (such as flirting, encouraging his texts, etc.). If she blows up on you and doesn't want to talk to you anymore, then you thought more of the friendship than she did. Either way it will put an end to his messages, and his advances.

 

[Circe]

What's the saying ... chicks before ... what?

I know it's hard to speak tough truths to friends sometimes. I've had friends blow up at me because I've gotten to the point where I've bitten through my tongue, and just had to speak out. On almost all of those issues, the friends in question have not taken my advice: in some cases, the relationship has suffered. Do I regret it, in any of the cases? Nope. Because I'm hoping that the ideas lodged, and that eventually, they'll have some effect, and it will do my friends some good.

I think anybody in their right mind would recognize that one's husband texting one's best friend to bitch about the marriage is a bad sign. Heck, I saw that dynamic play out in one group where all three were friends, and, guess what? Eventually, dude left his girlfriend with what she called "no warning." I think if the best friend had just been square with the girlfriend (assuming, of course, that the girlfriend stays in denial and the guy stays a martyr), it would have saved everyone a lot of pain.

 

[allycat0303]

Well, I'm not really sure what you would be telling her. So far, it seems that all he is doing is venting. I suspect that she knows that they are unhappy as they are in counselling already. He's telling you he doesn't want to be married, but I suspect many people have felt that way at one point in their lives.He hasn't told you he wants to cheat on her, or done anything overtly inappropriate toward you. If he crossed either of those two lines, I would consider telling her.

As for the texting, well you can try talking to him. If you find that hard to do/say, I would text him back. "This is inappropriate. It's awkward to be put between the two of you." It's so less weird then having a site down, face to face conversation.

If you're uncomfortable doing that, just ignore the texts and he'll get the message.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you for your comments Italia. The bolded part is what made me realize I needed to get away from this. A group of us went on a trip last month and he went off about stuff when we got stuck outside at one point.. I just stood there kind of numb while he said some stuff.. I think that's when it hit me that he wanted me to respond and maybe even support him.. It was then that I realized I need to do something because like you said, it's not my marriage to save. Nothing else had happened until this weekend though so it's kind of hard to just randomly bring up things that happened a month ago. Now that something else has happened I think I need to say something and just be there for her.[/quote]

Your incident reminded vaguely of something that happened to me awhile ago when I was "stuck in the middle" and I want to share it with you as a cautionary tale of getting in over your head and the repercussions of that...

Several years ago I was on a couples weekend with my very best friend, her husband and my husband who was my fiance at the time. My friends married was really flawed, and that's putting it lightly. They weren't good together, she was a better person on so many levels than he could ever dream of being. But, because I loved her with my entire being, I wanted her to be happy and if that meant socializing and being around him, then that's what I did.

Over the weekend, I somehow ended up at the hotel bar with just my friends husband...big mistake in retrospect, but there I was. We were doing shots, having some beers and actually talking to each other. He was, in his drunken state, carrying on and on about how he felt that my friend was too good for him and basically throwing himself an alcohol-fueled pity party. Normally I'd agree with everything he was saying, because it was true, he was pretty much a loser. But, on that night I made it my mission to express that she loved him wholeheartedly and the superficial stuff wasn't even on her radar--because truthfully, it wasn't. As I said, they had A LOT of problems, so his looks weren't really a contributing factor to their problems...you know what I mean?

Anyway. I ended being ready up leaving the bar before him, but he insisted on walking me to my room. This, normally if I had been non-intoxicated, would have shot up red flags since he wasn't "that guy"...but whatever. On the elevator he suggested that we "have sex". His words, not mine, and no...I'm not kidding. That sobered me right up. I told him that he better watch his mouth and that he'd be so effing lucky if I kept mine shut. He stayed on the elevator when I got off at my floor and I didn't see him again for the rest of the weekend. The following morning my friend woke me up in a panic saying he'd never returned to their room. So, bigger fish suddenly needed frying and I never got to tell her what happened.

Long story short...I never told her, the opportunity was lost and it was just really awkward and uncomfortable and the time was never "right" to share with her what happened. But he did. She and I were already on the out's (because of him) when he did finally 'fess up...but she and I for sure haven't spoken since. I'm positive that she hates me now, and that breaks my heart. I'm also sure she's gotten only HIS SIDE which wasn't the truth.

My point to this being that you don't know what this guys motivation is for unloading on you. But your friend does need to know that he's chosen you--out of everyone--to be his secret keeper. Once you've said your peace, you need to bow out. Your loyalties need to be with her in however they help her the most, but you're not the peacekeeper of their marriage. The longer you wait to be honest and open the harder being so will get...for instance, all those months ago what happened now that feels awkward to discuss. He needs to figure his s*** out, but you're not along for the ride and it's ABSOLUTELY NOT worth your friendship.

If I could do it all over again, I would have been straight with her. Of course. Hindsight and all of that. Learn from my mistake. She will someday, somehow discover that you knew what you knew and it will forever change what you have together as BFF's. Don't let that happen, please.

 

[sparklyheart]

Thanks again for all of the replies. I obviously know I need to tell her and maybe I should have told her sooner but like Ally said, until this last one it has been a lot of venting. I understand saying you hate being married is venting too but I just feel like it crosses a different line that shouldn't be crossed with your wife's friend. I really don't think my hesitation to talk to her has anything to do with me flirting with him or encouraging his texts... For one thing I don't flirt with him.. for another, I don't encourage any of this.. In the beginning it started out as us talking about a specific relationship then he would say something about her. Lately though it's been him bringing up comments and I don't even respond other than to sit there.. Which I realize is too much. However, it's so much more complicated because there is a group of us who are like family. There is a sense of betrayal regardless just because of the relationships between all of us.

To add to it, I can't really talk to her until later this week. Tonight a large group including the two of them went out to dinner.. Then I'm driving her to surgery tomorrow.. I already asked her if we could meet up later this week to hang out alone and she agreed.. Seeing them together tonight made me realize maybe she's not in as much denial because there was definitely something different going on.. I'm hoping she will understand why I have to tell her what I do. We have been through a lot of really hard times together and so I'm hoping we can weather this! Otherwise it's going to be really awkward since I'm going to see her everyday for the next six days...

I think I'm going to bring up the text then let her know that I'm there to support her but I don't want details anymore. I definitely plan on apologizing for letting myself get drawn into the situation... I don't want to be the messenger and tell her everything he has told me.. Just that she needs to talk to him and they need to figure out how to communicate with each other and not through me.