stupid excuses and how to deal

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Ok I hope I don''t get flamed for this, but I''m going to say that the whole "law school is too stressful to make any big decisions" thing is WAY overhyped.

Yes, I feel awful for this rising 2L class. But then again, I feel awful for MY class too (rising 3Ls). We''re pretty much all collectively screwed. But life goes on. I agree that this is a tough time for him to be dealing with this, but there''s never really a perfect time for doing various things in life - and it''s not like you''re asking your BF to get married NOW, with the future being so uncertain. You just want to talk about, which is very smart IMO. And I say all this from the perspective of my BF and I both being rising 3Ls, and being uncertain of whether we''ll have jobs at the end of the summer, etc.

 

[suchende]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:40:23 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
Ok I hope I don''t get flamed for this, but I''m going to say that the whole ''law school is too stressful to make any big decisions'' thing is WAY overhyped.

Yes, I feel awful for this rising 2L class. But then again, I feel awful for MY class too (rising 3Ls). We''re pretty much all collectively screwed. But life goes on. I agree that this is a tough time for him to be dealing with this, but there''s never really a perfect time for doing various things in life - and it''s not like you''re asking your BF to get married NOW, with the future being so uncertain. You just want to talk about, which is very smart IMO. And I say all this from the perspective of my BF and I both being rising 3Ls, and being uncertain of whether we''ll have jobs at the end of the summer, etc.

or, if you do get jobs, how long you''ll keep them. the firm that i would have most liked to work for no longer exists.

 

[Haven]

I understand your need for a concrete answer, but it sounds like your boyfriend just isn't ready to give you one, yet. And if he's not ready, nagging him about it is only going to push him away, or at least that's what would have happened with me if my husband had pushed me to tell him whether I thought we'd eventually marry when we had only been together for one year.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the truth is that I've seen women push men away (or vice versa) by asking them to commit to something they just weren't ready to do.

 

[LilyKat]

It's tricky. Personally I would have a problem if a guy who I had been with for a year was reluctant to have an honest discussion about the future. You are facing decisions that will likely be impacted by your relationship, and you need to know if the two of you are on the same page. Being with someone for a whole year actually gives you a pretty decent amount of information to work with, and if he hasn't already thought about how he sees your future working out, well, he needs to start thinking about it now. Why? Because you've told him it's important to you.

I would talk to him again and explain that you are not asking for guarantees - that you realise anything could happen in the future. But you are asking how, right now, he envisages your relationship working out. Could he see himself married to you? If so, when does he see this happening? I would also pay close attention to what he does, not just what he says. Does he include you in his major decisions? Does he act as if he sees himself with you long term, or is he always keeping his options open and not committing either emotionally or in his actions?

You are just as important in this relationship as he is, and if you want answers to these questions, you deserve them. You don't need to apologize for wanting to know where you stand.

 

[HollyS]

Step back and look at it from outside yourself. It''s been one year. Not several. One.

There simply is no reason for angst at this point. If you are sure about him being the ''right'' guy, you can find the patience to wait. Pressure to commit (or commit to committing, which is what you want) can powerfully influence the relationship . . . and not in a good way.

Relax. Enjoy your relationship. If he loves you as much as you love him, it will happen. When you''re both ready.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 7/2/2009 2:01:57 PM
Author: HollyS
Step back and look at it from outside yourself. It''s been one year. Not several. One.


There simply is no reason for angst at this point. If you are sure about him being the ''right'' guy, you can find the patience to wait. Pressure to commit (or commit to committing, which is what you want) can powerfully influence the relationship . . . and not in a good way.


Relax. Enjoy your relationship. If he loves you as much as you love him, it will happen. When you''re both ready.

I want to ditto HollyS. My SO and I have been together for 3 years; so have my old roommate and her SO. Around the time we had hit a year, she caught a little case of LIW-itis. He would always say that he loved her and wanted to marry her, but she really wanted a ring.

1)Gave him a timeline; engagement by end of college, wedding soon after.
2)Told him how everyone else in her family was engaged by such as such age, and she wanted to be too. And that it worked out for all of them.
3)Said things like, well if we know we''re getting married, then its the same as being engaged, so why can''t I just have the ring?
4)Did the whole, I don''t care how expensive it is, I just want it thing.
5)Would bring it up in front of me (we were roommates then) and others...awkward.
6)Pretty much bugged him about it.

Well, they''ve been together since then, her LIW-itis has cooled off for the most part, but so has their relationship, and they''re on their way to a break up.

And she is the one that wants it.

Imagine if they had gotten engaged; things would have been way tougher.

I think that setting a deadline and sticking to it, is really an awesome idea. As long as you two are talking about it as rational adults. If there''s any crying, whining, or nagging, pull yourself out of the moment as soon as you realize it. I think he will be more willing to engage in a serious conversation if he sees you approaching it in a serious way as well. I definitely think it is fair to ask how he sees you and the relationship that you two have together, but I don''t think that you should be necessarily stressed, or upset, if he doesn''t know, or hasn''t given it much thought yet.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 7/2/2009 9:55:32 AM
Author: suchende
Oops, yes NakedFinger, that''s what I meant.


Honestly, I am perfectly happy to be unmarried at 24, and perfectly happy to wait another 5 years before I get married. I am NOT happy to (emotionally) support K through law school, keep investing more of myself into this relationship, and then have him say at 30 that he''s too young to commit.


It''s a very tricky connundrum.

Oh gosh. I don''t know if I''ll have a lot of people disagree with me, but this kind of sounds like you''re making a business deal. You love this guy, so you want to be there for him, and help him be the best he can, right? Can you imagine someone saying this to you?

I can only speak for myself, but if my SO told me exactly what you just said, I would be so appalled and hurt. I think I would kind of be like, ''But I thought you were my best friend that loves me...you mean you don''t want to be here if I''m not sure of when I want to get married?''

Side note: It seems to me that K is committed, he''s with you now and not talking about breaking up, or living the single life, or whatever. Yes, I definitely 500% agree that marriage is a much bigger commitment than a relationship, but I think when you say ''then have him say at 30 that he''s too young to commit'' isn''t quite fair. Just saying, I want to cut the guy a little slack.

 

[suchende]

szh07, i don''t quite understand you. what aspect makes it seem like a business deal?

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 7/2/2009 11:40:23 AM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl
Ok I hope I don''t get flamed for this, but I''m going to say that the whole ''law school is too stressful to make any big decisions'' thing is WAY overhyped.


Yes, I feel awful for this rising 2L class. But then again, I feel awful for MY class too (rising 3Ls). We''re pretty much all collectively screwed. But life goes on. I agree that this is a tough time for him to be dealing with this, but there''s never really a perfect time for doing various things in life - and it''s not like you''re asking your BF to get married NOW, with the future being so uncertain. You just want to talk about, which is very smart IMO. And I say all this from the perspective of my BF and I both being rising 3Ls, and being uncertain of whether we''ll have jobs at the end of the summer, etc.

I feel sorry for us, too, BEG!

Annnnd, just want to add that I had been dating my now-husband for about a year when I started as a 1L, and it was a HARD year for me and I cried regularly out of general stress/anxiety/frustration, and it was really hard to find time to spend with my then-boyfriend, and I generally considered the fact that he still loved me after that year as further proof that he was the man I should marry. But we had many marriage/engagement talks throughout the year, and got engaged just after the journal writing competition...

I guess I''m saying if he were ready, he''d be discussing it with you, stress or no stress. That doesn''t mean he''ll never be ready!

I actually always thought having a LDR during 1L would have been ideal; there''s no time to spend with your honey anyway, so might as well keep it to phone dates and get your work done. I did well that year, but I think I might have done better if I''d hadn''t had a local relationship to keep going!

Of course, what I really want to do is warn you away from attending law school at all, but I suppose I''ll save that for another time and place.

 

[sparklyheart]

I agree with TheBigT.. If he were ready, he would be talking about it.

I just have a question though.. Would you be ok being engaged for 4 years?

I know you just want a relationship status update but it sounds like you want a definite marriage answer when you don''t even want to get married for 4 more years. And no, talking about marriage does not equal getting engaged.. but why push him to talk about something he''s not ready for? It''s not like getting him to say "yes I want to marry you SOMEDAY" gaurantees you the wedding or the ring or anything. This is a really stressful time for *everyone* and he is probably very focused on law school (you said he has done SOO well!!) and concerned about his future career.. Meanwhile it sounds like he is enjoying having a wonderful and faithful girl by his side throughout it all. It has been a year but a STRESSFUL year.. Full of so much uncertainty and stress from law school.. So he may not feel like it has really been that long of a year.

Enjoy the time you guys have together and just give him some time to come around. You can''t make him want to marry you.. and pushing him to talk about it before he''s ready will probably make him want to run. As for you, go to school where you want. If it''s all meant to be then you guys will make it work.. and by you guys I mean YOU AND HIM.. not just YOU. Good luck with all of this!!!

 

[Indylady]

Please tell me if I''ve misunderstood, but it seems like you feel at least partially responsible for his success, but would not like to continue supporting him emotionally if your relationship is not headed towards marriage.

 

[Sugardiamonds]

Guys are just not jewelry beings......it''s a girl thing and we all get it! A five hour wedding will be over in....well,5 hours. Your ring will last forever,lets face it,diamonds don''t wear out! Perhaps a good comprimise would be a smaller,less formal wedding in exchange for the ring of your dreams?

Best to you!
Sugar

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 7/2/2009 12:55:46 PM
Author: Haven
I understand your need for a concrete answer, but it sounds like your boyfriend just isn''t ready to give you one, yet. And if he''s not ready, nagging him about it is only going to push him away, or at least that''s what would have happened with me if my husband had pushed me to tell him whether I thought we''d eventually marry when we had only been together for one year.


I know this isn''t what you want to hear, but the truth is that I''ve seen women push men away (or vice versa) by asking them to commit to something they just weren''t ready to do.

I couldn''t agree more.

You are both young and very involved in building your education/careers. It seems to me his focus is on that right now, and not on marriage.

It''s only been a year. Not long at all. If there''s one bit of advice I can give you, it would be to back-burner all this for awhile. I know that''s easier said than done, but rest assured your anxiety and need for reassurance at this point in the relationship will only be perceived as desperation and clinginess on his end. He will see you as someone trying to pin him down and commit before he''s ready. In my experience, this is the fastest and easiest way to make a guy run in the opposite direction.

Unfortunately, I think the ball is in your court right now. You either have to take a "wait and see" attitude or move on if it becomes untenable for you.

Relax and enjoy each other now...The answers will be known to both of you in time.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/3/2009 2:58:04 PM
Author: Sugardiamonds
Guys are just not jewelry beings......it''s a girl thing and we all get it! A five hour wedding will be over in....well,5 hours. Your ring will last forever,lets face it,diamonds don''t wear out! Perhaps a good comprimise would be a smaller,less formal wedding in exchange for the ring of your dreams?


Best to you!

Sugar

I think you are in the wrong thread...

 

[suchende]

One of the things I love about pricescope is that the people here come from so many different perspectives, and the lack of a clear consensus helps you really see all the sides of an issue!


TheBigT, I am pretty sure that in my case, law school makes sense, but I certainly welcome your opinions on that subject as well. It''s probably too late for me, but you never know how many lurkers you might save