Supporting a friend apparently on his deathbed, a close friend

[kenny]

His mom called yesterday.
He's in the hospital, and asked (actually wrote on paper) to hear my voice.

He can't talk.
He's weak and has been intubated for 10 days.
Today being day 10, they have to remove the tube and perform a tracheostomy (cutting a hole in the throat).
The incision lets him breath, but he still won't really be able to speak.
She asked me to stay by my phone today; she'll call me and hold the phone to his ear.

Oh man!

Since he can't talk, our "conversation" will be a monologue.
Now I'm brainstorming for memories/things that might cheer him up, or at least improve his mood and get his mind off of what's happening ... but he can't react to what I'm saying.
I can't even see his facial reactions.
Maybe what I'm saying is the wrong things to say. I won't know.

I remember he often asked me to sing and play songs for him on guitar.

UGH! This is rough.

This reminds me of when my own mom was near death; I visited her, with my guitar.
The nurses said she had been unresponsive for weeks.
When I played her favorite Christian songs her eyes briefly opened wide, she said my name, then slipped back into unconsciousness.

Music is so powerful.
IMO music can be a shortcut to the inner person, especially when produced by a loved one.
Much like sharing the friendliness and affection that Bibi shows to strangers, I'm thrilled I can make music that touches people, both strangers and loved ones.

To me the death of others is so F-ing hard to witness because it throws our own mortality into our faces.

Life is good at getting so accustomed to living that we slide into assuming life is just always.
No wonder so many cultures have invented so many religions.

So today I'm practicing songs for a friend, waiting for his mom's call.

 

[dk168]

Sending dust and good on you!

Of the 4 deaths of loved ones close to me, my mum's was the only one I witnessed.

Even though I had worked as a HCP in hospitals looking after near-end of life patients, it was still a shock to the system.

I am certain your friend appreciates you and your singing etc., his family certainly does!

I hope his last days will be peaceful.

DK

 

[pearlsngems]

I'm sorry, Kenny. I like the idea of playing music for him. Do you also sing?

 

[kenny]

I'm sorry, Kenny. I like the idea of playing music for him. Do you also sing?

Thanks, and yes.

 

[RMOO]

I'm so sorry Kenny. May you have the strength to do a hard thing for you, so that you can bring comfort to your friend.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Your kindness will be appreciated and never forgotten. Let us know how it goes.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[finerthings]

@kenny Your emotional reaction and self doubt about the best way to handle this phone call shows that you truly care and your friend is so lucky to know you. I think your idea of playing music and singing to your friend is so touching, and I can't imagine a nicer thing to do. Giving you courage and strength - you are doing something so wonderful and loving.

 

[Rockdiamond]

Really sorry to hear Kenny. I would be falling apart, you seem to handle it in stride.....It seems like a time when a lot of friends are leaving us....this getting old thing....kinda rough.....

 

[Matata]

Sorry Kenny. I'm positive you will find the just the right thing to say or sing. If both of you have smartphones you could face time so you could see him.

 

[kenny]

Sorry Kenny. I'm positive you will find the just the right thing to say or sing. If both of you have smartphones you could face time so you could see him.

Thanks.
I have the cheapest iFunny, apple's SE3, but he has an android.

 

[Ibrakeforpossums]

Just be there. You don't know what's ahead but you care.

 

[MissGotRocks]

It is an honor that he has requested to hear from you. I am sure that you will find just the right story or song to bring some joy to your friend. It is so hard to know the right thing to say to someone in that position, so just speak from the heart and know it will be well received.

 

[diamondringlover]

sorry to hear about your friend, we all face the inevitable, just think of what you think he would want to bring him comfort.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

Be as Kenny as you can. He loves you and wants that comfort. It says a lot that he finds that in you. Sing some songs, tell him about what's happening in your life. You're his guide. The mundane is the most profound at times like these.
It's hard to have that trust from someone. It's also beautiful.
You will be. That's enough.

 

[Ibrakeforpossums]

Be as Kenny as you can. He loves you and wants that comfort. It says a lot that he finds that in you. Sing some songs, tell him about what's happening in your life. You're his guide. The mundane is the most profound at times like these.
It's hard to have that trust from someone. It's also beautiful.
You will be. That's enough.

That girl can write.

 

[tyty333]

You are a good friend Kenny. I'm sure he will love to hear a song (or two). Sending you strength...

 

[Begonia]

Help him get where he's going.
You got this.

Later, we cry.

 

[Sunrises Sunsets]

I agree with all the above. Be yourself, Kenny... there's a lot to like. Try to remember times that would be important to him and peaceful, positive songs. It most likely won't be a terribly long call but one where he can relax, recall and smile. Best wishes to you and him.

 

[VRBeauty]

Kenny - you’re offering comfort not only to your friend, but also to the family that’s hoping to help the man they love during this transition. Hugs to you. I trust your heart will lead you.

 

[Bonfire]

This is so beautiful Kenny.
I can’t think of anything more honorable than this gift you are giving and receiving.

 

[Bron357]

Tears.
Sending hugs to you, your friend and his loved ones.
Life is a journey, last leg, sing your favourite songs and send love across the miles.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Kenny you are blessed with this musical gift , and I’m sure it will be better and more heartfelt than any words you say. Peace and hugs to you both!

 

[Ally T]

Be as Kenny as you can. He loves you and wants that comfort. It says a lot that he finds that in you. Sing some songs, tell him about what's happening in your life. You're his guide. The mundane is the most profound at times like these.
It's hard to have that trust from someone. It's also beautiful.
You will be. That's enough.

This is beautiful. Just perfect.

Good luck Kenny. You’ve got this.

 

[Arcadian]

I don't even know him, but thank you for being his rock.

 

[kenny]

Thanks to all of you for your support and kind words.

Since his mom & I both have iPhones we did a FaceTime video call.
It was the first video call for both me and for her.
Wow! Video calls are so much more real than just a phone call, especially for a call like this.

I had prepared, not a speech, but a list of things I thought he'd like to hear, from the mundane, to good shared memories, to just nice things joint friends asked me to say.

The visit was short and interrupted by doctor visit and nurses.
Unfortunately, no time for the song.
Maybe just as well, and frankly that might have been more for me than for him.

'Mom' positioned her phone so the view included him, his brother and herself. So his face was small and mostly covered with the tube allowing him to breath, straps, tape and other medical things.
I may have detected a smile attempt when he saw Bibi on my shoulder.
But still, I couldn't miss how gaunt and spaced out he looked.
It was quietly heartbreaking, and did my best to not let it show though, as I write the words are wringing me out like a wet rag.

I'm not a very touchy feely guy, but in my gut I kept hearing, " He looks so small, and looks like he is slipping away." He saw no tears though, which I think was best ... for him.

He has the world's best mom, there by his side every day.
It breaks her heart that he has to be moved to a hospital that is hours away.
He needs the higher level of care available in big cities.
But she's also in poor health, on dialysis, can't drive, and lost her DH recently so she'll be home alone, worrying.

Well folks, hug your loved ones, and stay as healthy as you can as long as you can.

 

[rcjtraveler]

So very sorry. I am sure whatever you do will be meaningful to your friend and his Mom. Wishing you strength in such a hard situation and peace for your friend.

 

[RMOO]

I'm so sorry Kenny. Your heartbreak is palpable. You gave him comfort and lifted his spirits today, and in the future when he is gone, you will have the comfort that you were able to express your affection for him while he is still alive. Hugs at this difficult time.

 

[lovedogs]

You are a great friend, Kenny, and im sure he appreciated seeing and hearing you.

 

[GeliL]

I think it takes an incredible amount of strength to be this level of loving to a friend. And speaks a thousand words about your character that has forged this friendship. I am sure this means the world to him and to his family. Perhaps record a song and send the recording to his mother? The recording quality on iPhones are actually pretty good!

This memory you created for him will stay forever. I am so sorry you and your friend have to go through this.

 

[finerthings]

(((Hugs))) @kenny