Surprise is so overrated?

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Does anyone else think this thought? I often do.

My SO and I have had many talks about getting married, we have a date picked out already (not even engaged yet) and I know pretty much exactly when he''s going to ask.

But he''s still going about all the ring purchasing (we''ve already been shopping so he knows exactly what I want) and proposal very secretively, as if the whole thing is supposed to be a surprise. which is cute in it''s own way... but ... sometimes I just laugh thinking how silly/superficial it all seems because... I know it''s coming... it''s really not a surprise.

I sort of feel like... I''m just indulging him by letting him pretend like he''s surprising me. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Or maybe even like... but I KNOW WHAT''S HAPPENING ALREADY, JUST LET ME IN ON THE PROCESS?! (It''s not like it''s a surprise?!)

He''s like: oh just dont think about it and one day you''ll be pleasantly surprised. ... But I already know which day he''s referring to. Isn''t there just something terribly silly about it?

Is it a male thing?

 

[sunnyd]

Hmmm, well, if he''s anything like my BF, he has the mindset that this is his moment. The proposal is the one thing that HE is in charge of. Even though I know the what and have an idea of when, he wants to do the planning of the how and where and the ultimate when.

According to him, the wedding planning will be entirely up to me as far as decisions. I guess in the future, women have the babies and get all that attention, so this is his time.

I don''t know, I''m not a fan of surprises usually, but this will be a good one for sure.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Hmmmmm, maybe it is a male thing! Maybe the surprise is that he''s changed the date!! I don''t think surprises in general are overrated (I have to say that because I have absolutely no clue what the ring will be like, when it will happen, how it will happen.)
I suppose I wouldn''t really class your proposal as a surprise unless he IS changing something about it that you don''t know.

I think it''s sweet that he''s so excited though

 

[sklingem]

I really hope that you will have no clue when it really is coming ...
Surprises are nice, maybe it would be better to actively avoid seeking information as to when it may or may not happen. If you BF suspects that you know exactly what is going on he may wait for another occasion just to be sure it "IS" a suprise. And you don't want to join in on the generalized lamentation of having to wait forever (see other threads) right??


PS: BTW, I could totally see myself letting "perfect occasions" go by without proposing just to wait for an unexpected moment to come up and then "strike" with a surprise proposal

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Lol, I guess I should say that I think it''s sort of an artificial surprise.

I know he feels like this is his thing, and in some ways it is... but at the same time, he''s asked for so many details and talked about it with me so many times, I sort of feel like... it''s really just him getting me exactly what I want and pretending like it was his idea.

I don''t mind the wait... I guess my amusement stems from the idea that: I don''t think he''s really in control of the situation. I think I am because he''s so detailed to get what I want and propose so we can get married by the date we already discussed and picked out. Haha. It seems like the reverse is true I know.

Maybe I''m just having an opposite day.

 

[sklingem]

Well, I also think you can''t have your cake and eat it too. Either you make it a complete surprise and take the risk of not having it exactly how the GF wants it, or you (somewhat) let her in on your plans but then you can''t expect it to be a total surprise. It seems to be that your BF wants both, which is indeed a bit amusing and cute. lol

 

[Kitten520]

I agree that your man probably does want to surprise you because this really is the "big day" for him. Asking is his "party" and it''s a big deal - it''s the most important moment of his life to date. Think of it as a "want to go out with me Saturday night to dinner and a movie" times 10000 percent!!

Of course because he loves you, he wants to put alot of effort into making it special for you.

As someone who also was not surprised (I helped pick out the diamond and the setting and checked out the ring and tried it on to make sure it fit, when it came) - I can tell you that surprised or not it will be an amazing moment. You will be grinning ear to ear like a loon whether he surprises you or not! Enjoy!

 

[Haven]

I think it depends on your personal preference--I love surprises, and even though we chose the ring together my FI surprised me with the proposal.

For me, it''s the little things like this that make life even more exciting. I say let him have his surprise, and enjoy it because the proposal is a moment you''ll cherish.

 

[lindsaylove]

I would look at it this way: since your man wants you to have the perfect ring (and rightly so), he sacrificed being able to surprise you completely. Like it was already stated above, you know the what and a little bit about the when, but he still has control over the where and the how - so I say let him have this and have fun with it!

And like you say, since you feel like you''ve been in control of the majority of the process, try to think of it as the time where you can sit back and relax, knowing that your part is done and that the perfect ring is on it''s way.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I was in the same position as you and when the time came I was not at all suprised. I personally liked it better that way since I really don''t like suprises, but I played along for his sake and I think it was more special without the surpise because I knew to wear make-up since the picture would be so important! Honestly though, I didn''t feel like anything was lost for my especting it and I played along so my FI was happy as well.

 

[Anna0499]

I agree with all the posters that men think it''s their "day" - their chance to prove how romantic they are and remind you why you keep them around.

Also, even though you might know that it''s coming and when, how, where, etc., when you tell others about your engagement they will immediately ask how he proposed. I think men get a kick out of hearing their fiancee''s friends, family, etc. "ooo" and "ahhh" at the story.

 

[LegacyGirl]

That is pretty cute!

 

[beebrisk]

I think when a guy is ready to propose, he suddenly realizes he is about to ask the most important question of his life.

Unlike us women, this is not a moment he''s ''been dreaming of'' his whole life. While most of us have been pondering our proposal for 20 or 30+ years, most men only think about it when they are ready...when they decide to take the plunge.

So in a matter of months (sometimes just weeks!) he''s got a lotta thinkin'' (and often planning) to do. It''s a BIG deal for them.

Even though I was completely involved in the ring process, my FI was VERY hush-hush about the exact time, place etc... It frustrated me for awhile, since I knew he had the ring in his possession. In retrospect, I should have been more sensitive to how he wanted to deal with it.

This is HIS time and HIS question. I would suggest to any woman in this situation to give up control, be patient and let your man have his moment. I think it''s important to him. I only really thought about this after the fact...after he got annoyed at my constant questions about the ring and when I was going to get my proposal.

I think proposals are nerve-wracking enough for a guy (no matter how much they love you and want to marry you). So just this once, let him take over.

(But remember ladies, after you say ''yes'', you get to take back complete control!)

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

hehehe,
Thanks to everyone for their responses. I just find the situation very amusing. Indeed, some of the surprise is spoiled just because he wants to get me exactly what I will love and I''m so glad he did because I definitely wanted to have input on the process. And I know it''s his big day, but sometimes I just think the whole situation is silly.

We already know we''re getting married, and I know he''ll try hard to make it romantic, and I''m definitely indulging him. But I have to admit, sometimes its hard to hide a little chuckle.

At least that''s what I have this board for!

 

[CNOS128]

Good point Anna, and others --

A friend of my BF was so excited to tell us the story of his surprise proposal - much more excited than his bride-to-be was - because of all the secrecy and planning that went into it. I still kind of wonder how much of a surprise it actually was to her, but he thought she had no clue and it made him so happy.

(He also called her office to arrange to give her the day off, and proposed in the morning so they could spend the whole day together, which was awesome).

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Has anyone else ever thought though... that a proposal in some ways shouldn''t be a total surprise?

As in like entirely unexpected on the girl''s part because they should have had this conversation at least once?

I sometimes think that... but I digress.

Also... why is there a little flame next to my thread title?

 

[Independent Gal]

I personally have no interest at all in surprises. I do think it''s just a matter of personality! Yours AND your guy''s. My guy isn''t all that interested in surprises either, so that works nicely.

 

[sklingem]

Well, that fact that the guy is going to propose in the first place should not be a big surprise in my opinion. The surprise should be about when/where ... if both people enjoy surprises.

 

[Isolde]

It just depends on the individual, I suppose. Some people enjoy being very involved in the entire process: picking out a ring together, and even picking out a rough proposal date. Others really like to be surprised, in all aspects. Either is fabulous, really, it's just a matter of personal taste.

I was never really one for surprises, but my proposal was a complete surprise (ring and all). In the past we discussed marriage and we knew one day it would happen, but we never imagined details or created any timelines, so to speak. I figured he wouldn't propose until at least a couple years after completing post-secondary. I had no idea it would come so soon, though I have to say, it was the most amazing surprise ever. He picked the sweetest way to propose, and my surprise and astonishment coupled with all the other emotions I was feeling, is something I will never forget. So, surprise isn't always overrated!