Surprise? Schumize! THOSE BOYS!

[decodelighted]

Aiigh. So I woke up grumpy today. I''m already engaged. My guy encouraged my decision to "pick" the ering. All is right in the world ... but somehow I just got so PIZZZZED off this a.m. about guys who insist on "picking" for the surprise. Just WHO is that for, really? It''s all about HIM.

I mean REALLY ... if fellas had to wear whatever watch their lady picked out for ''em FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES ... in every business meeting, in every social situation etc ... and people would look at & judge them by that ON A DAILY BASIS (not that they should and not that anyone should care what anyone thinks) ... do you REALLY think they''d want a suprise??? To be conked on the head and cuffed with a watch with a grunted "You Tarzan, Me WIFE".

Or what if they had to drive THE CAR we picked for them FOREVER. This doesn''t even effect me personally so I have no idea why I''m all PZZZY about it today -- other than a possible potential immenent visit from my AUNT FLO.

 

[diamondfan]

Hey, I have been married 15 years and it STILL puzzles me. This is a significant gift, for it''s symbolism and it''s value, so why on god''s green earth would a guy not be 1000% sure before he buys? Even when the store will take it back, even when the guy claims to be cool with you not loving it, there is nothing worse than opening a box and having your heart thud instead of of jump for joy! It is soooo true...say you were going to the car dealer and chosing a car that you expected him to have for years to come...you had some basic ideas of his choices but not a total picture, did not know all the variables...then hand him a key for it...he goes outside to the driveway to see the car (with a bow tied around it) and it is NOTHING like what he would want...Oh well, I guess that is why there are upgrades...

 

[sumbride]

This is funny, especially since it doesn''t affect you!

I think we need to start a movement to reformat proposals... Men like the surprise because they think that''s what they are supposed to do. They''ve been conditioned to think that they must have ring in hand, and since she''s not supposed to know, he can''t ask her what she wants. In this day and age, I really think that 1) a woman probably has an inclination that he''s going to propose and 2) she should definitely get a say in the ring. But the only way to get men to stop thinking they should surprise her is to tell them it''s ok. Many of our guys have agreed to this, all though most required some "forcing". My guy is still stymied over what to do at the moment where he''s "supposed" to present the ring since he won''t have it yet. He said "what do I give you? flowers?" I said ''it could be a ring pop for all I care... I want to pick my ring!" He got that and understood.

Nationwide movement ladies! that''s what we need!

 

[Lorelei]

Yep. definitely the conditioning that they must have the ring in hand or they aren''t doing it right! I would far rather be involved in choosing my most important piece of jewellery than hope he gets it right and be disappointed when he doesn''t! Too many movies at fault IMO!

 

[FireGoddess]

couldn''t agree more - it is supposed to be romantic and thought out and the date of the proposal can be a surprise...but why does the ring? since you''re gonna wear it forever...

 

[JenStone]

Can I have it both ways? To pick out the ring AND have it be a complete surprise? LOL....wishful thinking, wishful thinking.

 

[firebirdgold]

well, as aggravating as it can be, I''m still looking forward to seeing what he picks. I think since the ring is a symbol of his love and commitment, it should reflect his tastes. Of, course I am the one wearing it, so it also has to be something I like. What I really worry about is the diamond quality. It''s so easy for people to get guiled into thinking that all they need to know is the clarity & color thing.
It''s also annoying that I feel like I can''t bring up the subject anymore. I''m getting worried that I''ll have no opportunity to tell him about the changes in my ring preferences. Like how I prefer Asscher and OEC to ideal round diamonds. And I have suddenly developed arthritis in my ring finger. (maybe it''s lonely for a ring!

) The point being that most of my previously preferred ring styles had thicker bands like the etoile and the niwaka styles, but those won''t go on my finger now. I now need a more delicate ring that''s also easy to size.

Hmmm, maybe I can bring it up without bringing up the e-ring subject?

 

[Mara]

lol deco, i am so not a girl who likes to be surprised unless it's something like dinner at a fave restaurant or a trip to a 5 star resort, or lemon pie with real cream....aka things i already know i will LOVE to be surprised with.

and yes who wants to be surprised with something they have to wear their whole entire life? gosh how daunting. and if they choose the wrong thing, like aiden did with carrie originally, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? about you and your relationship and this and that. we all know that is how chicks think. me being one too.

anyway i think it's great when the gal can be involved up to some level, aka 'me like THIS, me NO LIKE this'. i think guys can get most of it right on their own with a little push in the right direction. the funny thing is that i ask greg what he thinks i would have ended up with if he had been entirely on his own in the planning of the ring and he said 'oh i think something pretty close to what you have now'...and i was like NO WAY GET OUT. because in no way would he have been as nutso to be shopping around for various settings and this and that. he would have gone into the local jeweler we bought from originally and be like '1c solitaire please in platinum to go'. but i just said 'really?' and left it at that, let him imagine that he's correct. it's part of a happy marriage.

 

[decodelighted]

Hee hee. This may have been OOT. If a gal WANTS to be suprised -- no skin off my nose! And I do admire the many good-hearted guys that come on here looking & analyzing (sometimes more mind-numbingly than us chickadees do) and educating themselves to try to find the perfect stone for the perfect girl.

BUTTTTTT... even under the best circumstances, with their hearts in the absolute right place ... and with amazing, custom ring designs and humongo ideal stones ... I can''t help but wonder "Is it really HER?" Does it SUIT her? Does she really, truly love its STYLE -- beyond whether she loves the ring & the fella & being engaged (which is hopefully a given if she said yes) ... but, if she cares about such things, will she enjoy wearing THAT RING more than one she helped design herself?

And the thing is -- we''ll NEVER KNOW. Not like a newly engaged lady who''s guy Pscoped his way to the ROCK would come on here, after ring pix and confess -- "It''s pretty, but it''s not ME."

I wonder ....

I guess the best of all possible worlds is that it''s not "HER" or "HIM" but a manifestation of "WE" -- which, IMHO, is best accomplished by choosing TOGETHER.

 

[Blenheim]

I actually broke down about two nights ago over this topic and almost started crying. (Pain and narcotics are not helping my emotional state.) BF got very close to giving me his budget and having me try to decide what my dream ring for that budget would be, but then decided that he''d be more comfortable just listening to my opinions about what I''d want for various budgets. For example, I''d love an asscher but not a 1/4 carat asscher because they''re small for their weight. He still wants to surprise me.

I''m a little torn. I''m the one who will wear it, but at the same time it does represent our relationship and his commitment to me.

By the way, in terms of tactful wording, I really recommend against saying "but I''m the one who has to wear it" if you''re having a conversation with your BF. I did this, and he looked hurt and said that it doesn''t help his enthusiasm over picking it out and buying it if that''s the way I feel. Lesson: say "I''m the one who gets to wear it" or "has the honor of wearing it" or something along those lines.

And I agree that Hollywood and movies really don''t help.

Deco (and other girls), how much do you think that other people really judge you by your e-ring? At the most, I think that it''s not my style or what I would have picked out. I''d be more concerned with seeing something on my finger all the time that just didn''t make my heart go pitter patter, and wondering (like Carrie did) what it means if he didn''t get something that was really my style.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 4/17/2006 1:30:01 PM
Author: decodelighted
I guess the best of all possible worlds is that it''s not ''HER'' or ''HIM'' but a manifestation of ''WE'' -- which, IMHO, is best accomplished by choosing TOGETHER.

I agree.

We''re choosing to go a slightly different route, because he really does want the surprise and I''d like to honor his wishes. I''ve given him a verbal list of things that I love (shapes, settings, overall look, etc.) and he gets to choose what he wants out of what he knows that I want. Hopefully it will result in a wonderful manifestation of "WE."

 

[Angela1977]

I think there''s a compromise in there somewhere. I understand them wanting to pick, but my fiance has said on many occasions he can''t even pick out a purse for me, though he sees me carry one everyday (and he''s got excellent taste...I love taking him shopping with me, and he loves to go!). Why would he think he could pick out a piece of jewelry that I have to wear everyday without even a hint of what I might like? And then go through the possible let down of me not liking it? Especially with such a large expenditure...
I sent him the Asscher cut one day, just threw it out there to see what he thought, and I said, "you know, I really like this diamond..." He fell in love with it...nothing else would do once he saw that. He knew I didn''t wear yellow gold, so he decided on platinum all on his own (once he did extensive research as to which metal he thought would hold up better until the year 4052

) I showed him a couple of styles that I thought were cool, but I still left it up to him, and he appreciated it. Yes he lamented that it couldn''t be a total suprise, but he actually thought like we do that since I get to wear it everyday, I should LOVE it, not be OK with it.
The proposal and timing were a complete suprise, as I think it should be. There can be that happy medium...I think we as women need to trust a little more and drop better hints and be less "this is what I want...you HAVE to get this one" and the men need to let go of the Victorian idea of a ring being a COMPLETE suprise. (these are broad generalizations...I know we all fall at different places on the spectrum and I''m not criticizing anyone here...just talking) They get their fantasy of proposing as a suprise while we get our fantasy of having a ring we love...
And honestly, after you''ve been married 25 years, is it really going to eat away at him that you had some pointers on what sort of ring to get? Jeez...let''s let it go and get on to the important stuff!

I''m off the soapbox...

 

[Angela1977]

Date: 4/17/2006 1:39:55 PM
Author: Blenheim

Date: 4/17/2006 1:30:01 PM
Author: decodelighted
I guess the best of all possible worlds is that it''s not ''HER'' or ''HIM'' but a manifestation of ''WE'' -- which, IMHO, is best accomplished by choosing TOGETHER.

I agree.

We''re choosing to go a slightly different route, because he really does want the surprise and I''d like to honor his wishes. I''ve given him a verbal list of things that I love (shapes, settings, overall look, etc.) and he gets to choose what he wants out of what he knows that I want. Hopefully it will result in a wonderful manifestation of ''WE.''

Blenheim,
Once again, someone posts what I''m trying to say so much more eloquently than I can...your greatness astounds me.

 

[cinnabar]

I was really surprised when I came to the US two years ago and found out that engagement rings were given as surprises here. We absolutely don''t do that in England. I asked all my English friends if they had chosen their own ring, and the answer was a unanimous "Yes", with cries of horror at the thought of their man picking something so intrinsicallly feminine. I then started asking girls here who had just got engaged, if they picked the ring or it was a surprise. I haven''t met one yet who was surprised with a ring; every American girl I''ve asked has said that they chose the ring together. It still shocks me to read stories on PS from girls who''ve been given ugly surprises, or from men who insist they want to surprise their girl, because I never meet these people in real life.

It''s kinda like asschers, everyone knows they''re out there, and there are zillions on PS, but no one knows someone who actually has one for real.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/17/2006 1:35:29 PM
Author: Blenheim
Deco (and other girls), how much do you think that other people really judge you by your e-ring?

Well...honestly I think it depends on how shallow the crowd you run with (co-workers, family, friends) is. Same as with cars & houses and watches & shoes etc... Or they might make assumptions about your wealth or lack of it based on how much $$ it looks like you spend on things. (Not that it's really an accurate indicator at all - as we always hear about "homeless"-looking millionares & designer whore bankrupcy cases) I'll confess that I was a little sensitive about the subject when looking at e-rings because I have ENORMOUS MITTS. A 1.5 carat on my hand probably looks like a .45 carat on someone with a 2.5 size finger. I just didn't want the stone to get dwarfed by my pale fleshy paw meat! If a diamond that large was out of the questions - I would have combated fat-finger syndrome with a Sapphire or Halo or - hell - Moonstone. Whatever would cover the most real-estate. Not to look "wealthy" or "blingy" - but slightly propotionate. NOT THAT I THINK its wrong to desire wealth or bling - GOD KNOWS I love it on others!! And love the EYE CANDY!!. And I'm as wowed by a great ROCK as the next bling-bimbette! (Calling MAT!! #1 rock in my rock wish list right now!)

As to whether the guy can pick out jewelry that's "you" meaning something about your relationship ... totally random way to judge things IMO. Some guys have better TASTE than others .. some notice "style" IN GENERAL more than others. Taking relationship advice from S.I.T.C. is like cramming for Med School Exams by watching Grey's Anatomy. Not advisable!

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 4/17/2006 1:55:11 PM
Author: decodelighted
As to whether the guy can pick out jewelry that''s ''you'' meaning something about your relationship ... totally random way to judge things IMO. Some guys have better TASTE than others .. some notice ''style'' IN GENERAL more than others. Taking relationship advice from S.I.T.C. is like cramming for Med School Exams by watching Grey''s Anatomy. Not advisable!

Haha, very true. In terms of Carrie freaking out on SATC, I think that she was already realizing that she wasn''t ready to get married, and she may never be ready to marry Aiden. Sometimes it''s easier to turn to things like what ring he picked out than it is to address the real root of problem.

 

[Lorelei]

Blen - quick hijack - I hope you are feeling better

 

[Blenheim]

Cinnabar, I've seen more girls who haven't picked their own e-rings than I've seen asschers (although I love the comparison

). In my experience (and I'm going to be a little snarky, but I really don't mean to offend anyone), the girls I know who dated for a reasonable amount of time before getting engaged had quite a bit of say in their engagement ring. Some picked it out entirely. It's the girls who dated for a couple months before getting engaged who were completely surprised.

ETA: Thanks, Lorelei! I suppose I should jump over to my old surgery thread and update.

Edited (again) to add: I just read another post by a girl who got engaged after two months, and I realized that I should clarify why I said that a couple of months isn't reasonable. It's really that I don't think it was reasonable for the two girls in question. Both are 21 years old and are some of the most immature and impulsive girls I know.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/17/2006 2:09:57 PM
Author: Blenheim
Date: 4/17/2006 1:55:11 PM
In terms of Carrie freaking out on SATC, I think that she was already realizing that she wasn't ready to get married, and she may never be ready to marry Aiden. Sometimes it's easier to turn to things like what ring he picked out than it is to address the real root of problem.

LOL! Still a little "lessons from SITC"-ish but true! (I was just thinking ... was it really so OFF for Aiden to pick that yellow gold pear thing? I mean Carrie was all retro 80's ironic with her nameplate necklage and yellow gold chains?? He could have legitimately thought : PEAR + YELLOW GOLD = Carrie. How could he have POSSIBLY known that funky hoochie sprite secretly desired a Perfect Princess pave-encrusted Royal Asscher??

Back to regularly scheduled RANT (p.s.- Blenheim, hope you're feeling better too! I'm a "back prob" vet - though haven't needed surgery/knock wood. Have you gotten all the new May mags yet?)

 

[akw94]

I mean REALLY ... if fellas had to wear whatever watch their lady picked out for ''em FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES ... in every business meeting, in every social situation etc ... and people would look at & judge them by that ON A DAILY BASIS (not that they should and not that anyone should care what anyone thinks) ... do you REALLY think they''d want a suprise??? To be conked on the head and cuffed with a watch with a grunted ''You Tarzan, Me WIFE''.

Boy do I agree with this! We are getting engaged and we are getting married but why is he picking out the ring and it must be this big surprise and I get to know nothing.

I''m not a huge fan of surprises either. Yet he knows this and knows my picky tastes but still insists. Definitely a guy thing!
At this point, i''m glad he wants to know what I like/dislike and I know he will take it all in but I have so much research and knowledge built up...can I really share it all w/him? Or does he really want to know it all? I know he wants me to like it, and I sure do appreciate the sentiment, just don''t really get the need for the big surprise.
It is definitely about him!

 

[E B]

When we first started talking about becoming engaged and "the ring", I don't even remember exactly what was said, but I probably told him how I felt about wanting to pick it out. Luckily, he didn't care a bit. Through the whole process, he wanted me to have what I wanted. It was a collaboration, though...I loved rounds, asschers and cushions (I honestly couldn't choose) and he loved rounds. So, a round it was. He would have preferred a simple setting, and he cringed a little when I chose the setting I did, but in the end, he was excited for me to have what I wanted. He catches me looking over at it all the time, smiles, and says "Do you love your ring?"

Well, yeah!

 

[sumbride]

Date: 4/17/2006 1:55:11 PM
Author: decodelighted

I''ll confess that I was a little sensitive about the subject when looking at e-rings because I have ENORMOUS MITTS. A 1.5 carat on my hand probably looks like a .45 carat on someone with a 2.5 size finger. I just didn''t want the stone to get dwarfed by my pale fleshy paw meat! If a diamond that large was out of the questions - I would have combated fat-finger syndrome with a Sapphire or Halo or - hell - Moonstone. Whatever would cover the most real-estate. Not to look ''wealthy'' or ''blingy'' - but slightly propotionate.

I highly agree. I have huge round short fingers, sausage fingers if you will. One of the reasons I was so terrified he would pick it out himself is that his best friend''s wife has itty bitty fingers... seriously, her ring size is probably smaller than my neice''s. I''m thinking 2? ANYTHING looks big on her. She still shops in the kids section for clothes. Me? Not so much. And since he''s somebody that doesn''t pay attention to sizes and such, he probably wouldn''t have figured that out until it was on my hand looking like a speck... if it would even fit on my hand in the first place. Now, he could probably take my dad shopping with him if he wanted because my hands are identical in size to my dad''s, so at least I know who to blame. I wish I had my mom''s skinny fingers.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/17/2006 2:59:48 PM
Author: sumbride
Now, he could probably take my dad shopping with him if he wanted because my hands are identical in size to my dad''s,

LOL!!! Oh that''s a shopping spree I would pay good money to spy on!!!

FF: This is my, um, Future Father-In-Law/ hand model
Salesclerk: Right, sir.
FF: Seriously ... he''s just my Future Father-In-Law!
SC: It''s OKAY ... we''ve been getting ALOT of this lately!

 

[jesterjigger]

I agree completely. My bf and I picked one over the weekend, but had looked some prior. Fortunately I love a plain platinum setting for a round solitare, so he probably could have managed that successfully, but by taking me along I picked one with a little diamond accenting and got a bigger stone (.91 carats...prior to that trip I''d thought 1 carat was too big and that I wanted .75 carat). We also found a much cheaper ring because he''d been leaning toward the hearts on fire/lazare/etc cuts and the one we ended up with was bigger than the .75 carat fancy cut diamond we''d looked at and I love the setting much more.

I also asked him what he thought of rings, while most of the time he said I was the one that was going to be wearing it he would offer opinions when it was something he really didn''t like. And I told him, "yes, I''m going to be wearing it, but you''re going to have to look at it for the rest of your life too".

However, if a guy wants a complete surprise my vote is for him to get a decoy ring and then go ring shopping with his wife to be after the proposal.

 

[princessv]

Ugh I think I posted on this subject kind of in another thread..but this subject totally strikes a nerve with me.

Guys just want to live up to that Hollywood ideal of surprising a gal. The first ring (that was supposed to be a promise ring with a pink sapphire and a Tacori setting) somehow, my guy got wheedled into getting a diamond instead (thus, started the engagement madness). Unfortunately for me, the diamond was a rectangular princess cut with an I1 clarity

. I never saw this diamond, but fortunately my guy felt like he was suckered and asked me my opinion. Thank god! I shudder to think what would have happened had he NOT asked my opinion.

Fast forward to the diamond I have now, he agreed after many arguments and tears and one BIG fight, to let me at least have a say in the diamond, but insisted on picking out the setting. So, I didn''t really ever try on any settings..just regular ones. He settled on a WG trellis setting that he proposed with and I hate to say it, but when he did propose and I finally had the ring on my finger, I just knew it wasn''t right for me. Even though I now have it reset into the setting I love, I can''t help but feel just the tinest bit of resentment. I mean we could have saved the $$ from the first setting. Now the first setting just sits there..I toyed with the idea of setting something else in it, because of his sentimental attachment (and I try to say mine) but the truth is I have no sentimental attachment to it.

It''s really odd though because a couple of nights ago, he conceded to the fact that he should have just let me pick it out to begin with...surprising a girl is not such a big deal as everyone makes it out to be and to do things over again, he''d have let me have all the say (except for the budget of course). Makes me wonder how many women just come to accept what they have even though in their heart, it''s not what they would have picked. I have to remind myself though, that some people just aren''t as diamond crazed as we are.

 

[lulutheleo]

My BF involved me in the process and let me pick out what I wanted. I am SO glad that he did that. He realized that I was going to be the one wearing it, so I should have a say in it. Although, I think even if I wouldn''t have been involved, and he did surprise me with a ring that I didn''t pick out, I think I would be happy! After all, it''s about the IDEA behind the ring too, that he wants to marry me!

The other thing that struck me is even though I looked at a ton of diamonds and ring settings on my own (and admired all my married friends'' rings), until I got to try something on and see it on my finger, I didn''t really know what I wanted.

 

[froufrou]

HAH! my boyfriend half-jokingly tells me I should just go buy myself the ring now and just propose to myself for him and he will pay me back ...so im like "ahh..so what is the price range on that..." actually i told him no way and if he wants to marry me he''d better put in some effort...so at least if he insists on picking it out you know he''s spent a lot of time thinking about what will be good so that''s kinda nice. although we''re going to probably look at rings together whenever "we" (i.e. he) are ready which I am happy about cause i would hate to have something i dont like, and he''d be really upset if i didnt like what he got so i dont know if id be able to say anything.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 4/17/2006 3:04:09 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/17/2006 2:59:48 PM
Author: sumbride
Now, he could probably take my dad shopping with him if he wanted because my hands are identical in size to my dad''s,

LOL!!! Oh that''s a shopping spree I would pay good money to spy on!!!

FF: This is my, um, Future Father-In-Law/ hand model
Salesclerk: Right, sir.
FF: Seriously ... he''s just my Future Father-In-Law!
SC: It''s OKAY ... we''ve been getting ALOT of this lately!

Ok, I''m seriously cracking up now... I may just suggest it to him to see the expression on his face...

 

[Scooba]

My boyfriend knows me well enough not to suprise me with anything that I might leave the house with. I had complete involvement he pretty much just "took me engagement ring shopping" I picked out what i like and asked his opinions along the way, I wanted him to like it too. The only way he actually helped me though was deciding between a 1.8 ct RB from Tiffany or a Princess almost twice as big, same quality. I was obsessed (I know, I know, I know) with wanting an engagement ring from Tiffany but the only cut I would have gotten from them was a round and my boyfriend just doesn''t care for rounds so decision made! I used to be ok with suprise because has always know when the time comes I want the classic Tiffany diamond in the Tiffany setting from Tiffany and I would take as big as he cared to spend. But now that I am somewhat "diamond savvy" I think I would have regretted saying that and would have wanted the same priced, same quality stone that was almost twice and big. And now i am waiting for my "suprise"!

 

[Evie75]

I personally dont want to see MY ring until its on my finger... We went ring shopping though.. I told him EXACTLY what i like and and what i prefer.. I actually picked two that i would love. and thats it.

I dont like sidestones so i guess its easier. I told him that i dont want a high setting, i want 4 prongs, thin band with or without diamonds in it is fine... (cept for channel set).. radiant or cushion Center.. im sure he'll get creative with the band,(diamonds, pave set, or bead set ya know) he has great taste,a nd he knows all about diamonds and whats great and he knows what specs he's gonna get. So i basically told him what i dont like lol makes it easier...