Surprise? Schumize! THOSE BOYS!

[firebirdgold]

Maybe for the perpetually indecisive it''s a good idea for the guy to choose the ring.

It''s also a good idea to go try lots of rings on.
I finally mailed my taxes today and rewarded myself with a stop in at the local family-run mall jeweler. (prices + quality ==

) I tried on a few rings and I was shocked at how much I loved this little .5 ctw 3 stone truffle ring.

I liked that size over the .75 ctw one, although I thought that looked amazing on my hand too! (at a size 7 I don''t have the smallest hands!) Even though it''s not the best quality in the world I now suddenly want something just like it! They let me walk out into the mall so I could see it in the sunlight from a skylight and it sparkled like mad and was beautifully white in my shadow!

(.5 tcw F-G Si1 from EGL in a 14k truffle x-prong setting for $1250) Sigh, no wonder my bf doesn''t want too much of my input. I change my mind all the time!

 

[ephemery1]

Haha... LOVE LOVE LOVE this topic... especially because my boyfriend and I just had a 3 hour intensive discussion this weekend about all things engagement-related, including this. C is off the old-school "must be a surprise" variety, and though he never had any problem talking about getting engaged and married, did NOT want to go ring-shopping together. He was fine with me looking at rings online, and even going with my friend to check things out in person... but after I told him the shape I liked best (cushion), he would not accept ANY more input from me (or my friend...even though she tried!).

AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!! I am REALLY picky about things being perfect... the kind of picky where one tiny little detail will make me insane (like the brass hinges on my Ikea TV armoire... I actually had to take it apart and replace them with silver). And C has picked out jewelry for me in the past, so he''s very confident in his taste... I just can''t imagine that of every combination of stones and settings out there, he is going to pick exactly what I would have picked for myself... and I am TERRIFIED that every time I look at it, part of me will wish something were different.

I know in the grand scheme of things, this is really nothing to complain about... I''m not dying of the bird flu or living in a war-torn country, for example... I''m getting a gorgeous engagement ring from my perfect guy. I think it is just the illogical part that bothers me most... I''M the one who will be wearing it day-in and day-out... why is he so darn cocky in assuming that what he chooses on his own is going to be better than what I would choose with him??

UGH! (I already told him if I was going to trade it in if I decided I liked something else better, and he said he would be deeply offended... sigh.)

 

[Scooba]

ephemery- this is SOOO how I am, I need things perfect too! If he would not have let me choose i trust him enough to get me somehting that I would like or even love but not "exactly what I would have picked for myself" like you said. It is illogical, would he pick out you clothes everyday, or tell you stylist what to do to your hair?!?! I also think it''s unfair that he has decided that he would be offended if you wanted to change it. If I were you and that picky like me, I would try to give the boy a little talking to, you are going to be looking at this ring all day everyday I think it''s so important that you love it!

 

[ephemery1]

Diamonds, I totally agree... and it''s always nice to hear from someone else who understands!! Fortunately C knows that I''m opinionated, and if he DOES choose something that I''m not in love with, I don''t think he''ll be too shocked if I truthfully tell him I''d prefer something slightly different. He says he would be offended, but I say that''s the risk he''s taking... and he may just have to swallow his initial pride in not choosing the "perfect" ring. Or he could get lucky and actually choose the perfect ring on his own! *fingers crossed*

Although at this point I think there''s a pretty good chance he''s already got it picked out, so it''s probably too late to bring it up again until the actual proposal. So if anyone else wants to cross their fingers for me too, I''d appreciate it!!

 

[sk8rjen]

I''m definitely crossing mine for you!

My plan was never to pick out every last detail of my ring --it started with giving him a basic idea of what I wanted (and there were a few out there I loved) and then him pick. But soon we shopped around a bit and found out jewelers were willing to do a custom thing, so we talked about it together and he knew what I liked and what he liked and we were good to go. That was last Nov. We went to the jeweler again at the end of Jan (i think, it may have been early feb)to look at loose stones and i found out he hadn''t even put the semi-mount on layaway yet (which they offered)and the price had gone up significantly. I found PS, and after getting past the hurt and frustration at his lack of planning, I''ve been in charge ever since. The only thing I''ve given him was the final decision between pear and oval.

I think in general we HOPE our men understand our tastes, etc, but there''s no guarantee and I''m not takin any more chances, personally!

I really hope yours is AMAZING, though!

jen

 

[ephemery1]

Thanks, Jen!!!

He does know that I want a cushion (although recently I''ve had second thoughts and wished for an oval instead, oh well)... and knows one setting I like is simple pear sidestones. So hopefully he won''t stray too far from that. But we shall see...

It sounds like things will work out perfectly for you though, even with your BF''s initial lack of planning. Why is it that boys just ASSUME things will work out without actually putting the effort in? It kind of reminds me of the time last summer we were at a baseball game, and my BF casually mentioned to his cousins that he would like to have kids before he''s 30. Ummm... he''s 28 YEARS OLD!! Not sure who he''s having those kids WITH, but apparently he''s planning on a pretty busy 2 years!!!

 

[Caribou]

I agree, this non-sense about wanting to surprise us, is just silliness. Think of the episode of S&TC where Carrie for that ring that was 'not good'.

Besides, why would guys want to stress our an already stressful situation more??

Never understand men.

 

[JenStone]

My boyfriend got somewhat annoyed at me earlier today when I emailed him the link to a cushion I really liked - he really, really, REALLY wants it to be a surprise. He thinks that I've already given too much input and wants me to leave it alone. We've since smoothed things over, but I was reminded of this thread and so I read through the entire thing again.

I may be asking the wrong crowd,

but do you know any woman who wants it to be a complete surprise? Because I don't. With most of my girl friends, the only reason they would not discuss their dream ring with their SO is because they're scared they would scare the men away.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 4/19/2006 9:38:49 PM
Author: JenStone

I may be asking the wrong crowd,

but do you know any woman who wants it to be a complete surprise? Because I don't. With most of my girl friends, the only reason they would not discuss their dream ring with their SO is because they're scared they would scare the men away.

I wonder the same thing... I know a fair amount of recent engagees (<-- does that word exist?) who had no say in their ring at all, and seem perfectly content with what they've gotten... but I'm always mildly surprised/disbelieving of that. I often ask "wow... now did he pick that out all by himself?" and then pay close attention to their response for any signs of unhappiness... haha.

My best friend says she likes the idea of the ring being a "surprise", but she thought the perfect solution was for me to tell her what I wanted, and then she could tell my BF. But personally, I'd rather design the ring myself and even chip in to pay for it, if necessary... I could care less about the surprise element. Unfortunately, C did not agree.

Edited to add: I remember an early conversation with my BF where he was saying he already had "clues" about what kind of ring I would like, and I asked incredulously, "based on what??" He said, "oh I pay attention to your reaction to other people's rings, stuff like that..." And I VERY strongly advised him NOT to go on that!! I mean, what does he expect my reaction would be? "Oh, congrats on the engagement, but your ring is REALLY pretty awful..."

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I totally surprised my fiance with a watch for Christmas the first year that we were dating. He absolutely LOVES it! He wears it every single day and only takes it off when working on the tank or the yard. I think it all depends on how much you really know about each others'' tastes and likes/dislikes. Don''t get me wrong, if I pick out something for him he doesn''t like, he sure doesn''t wear it around just to make me happy. We''re so honest with each other that he will tell me if he doesn''t really care for it or if he loves it. I was totally at ease when I knew he was looking at rings because I trusted that he knew what I would like or not like. He did an awesome job (He picked the ring, but I saw it before the proposal and basically "approved it")!! I would rather he had picked my ring than me pick it myself. I look at the sentimental side of it more than anything. I just like the fact that he put so much time, research and thought into such a big symbol of his love and our future. It just wouldn''t be the same for me if I put all the time, research and effort into picking the ring. Sometimes I wish he hadn''t shown me the ring beforehand, but he was so worried that I wouldn''t like it, he had to make sure.

To each his own though.

 

[JenStone]

Date: 4/19/2006 10:30:09 PM
Author: ephemery1

Edited to add: I remember an early conversation with my BF where he was saying he already had ''clues'' about what kind of ring I would like, and I asked incredulously, ''based on what??'' He said, ''oh I pay attention to your reaction to other people''s rings, stuff like that...'' And I VERY strongly advised him NOT to go on that!! I mean, what does he expect my reaction would be? ''Oh, congrats on the engagement, but your ring is REALLY pretty awful...''

LOL! That sounds like a conversation I had with my boyfriend when we first started discussing rings!

I know my boyfriend has great taste - a LOT better than most men I know (I actually thought he was gay when I first met him!). But like Deco said with the first post, WE are the ones who have to look at it for the rest of our lives. Plus, if we love to look at rings and WANT to be involved in the process, why are they so against it?

 

[Evie75]

Date: 4/19/2006 9:38:49 PM
Author: JenStone
My boyfriend got somewhat annoyed at me earlier today when I emailed him the link to a cushion I really liked - he really, really, REALLY wants it to be a surprise. He thinks that I''ve already given too much input and wants me to leave it alone. We''ve since smoothed things over, but I was reminded of this thread and so I read through the entire thing again.

I may be asking the wrong crowd,

but do you know any woman who wants it to be a complete surprise? Because I don''t. With most of my girl friends, the only reason they would not discuss their dream ring with their SO is because they''re scared they would scare the men away.

Im actually all about the surprise!

I mean he knows what ring I want, I was very specific about it, and I know he''ll get the one I want, so I technically know what its going to look like, but I dont want to see it in person before hand. As far as the proposal THAT i want to be a total surprise, even though i know its coming, i just dont want to know when.

Everybody is different, and If I saw my actual ring before the proposal I would be dissapointed.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 4/19/2006 11:21:39 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
I totally surprised my fiance with a watch for Christmas the first year that we were dating. He absolutely LOVES it! He wears it every single day and only takes it off when working on the tank or the yard. I think it all depends on how much you really know about each others'' tastes and likes/dislikes. Don''t get me wrong, if I pick out something for him he doesn''t like, he sure doesn''t wear it around just to make me happy. We''re so honest with each other that he will tell me if he doesn''t really care for it or if he loves it. I was totally at ease when I knew he was looking at rings because I trusted that he knew what I would like or not like. He did an awesome job (He picked the ring, but I saw it before the proposal and basically ''approved it'')!! I would rather he had picked my ring than me pick it myself. I look at the sentimental side of it more than anything. I just like the fact that he put so much time, research and thought into such a big symbol of his love and our future. It just wouldn''t be the same for me if I put all the time, research and effort into picking the ring. Sometimes I wish he hadn''t shown me the ring beforehand, but he was so worried that I wouldn''t like it, he had to make sure.

To each his own though.

I bought my boyfriend a watch for his 30th birthday last fall and he loves it too, but of the two of us, I think I''m the more detail-oriented, aesthetically aware, and jewelry knowledgable one. His last watch was purchased at an airport on the way to Europe because he lost the one before that. And be broke it while trying to change the time at daylight savings time. So when I picked up a fancier one for him, one that didn''t have a buckle but a clasp, it took him about a week to figure out how to work it. While I know he knows me well, jewelry just isn''t his thing. He did buy me a beautiful painting on our first Christmas together, and he knew just what to engrave on my iPod, but a ring is a whole different ballgame for him.

 

[SoonIHope]

My situation was pretty much the same as Evie''s, I think. He wanted it to be a surprise, but even more than that he wanted me to be blown away by how much I loved it, and he knew that the only way to ensure that happened was to let me guide him a little. We went ring looking together (where I was shocked to see how much my tastes changed after seeing rings on my hand) and we discussed what we both liked and didn''t like about lots of individual stones and settings. In the end, I gave him a list of 2 or three stone shapes I liked (but with a STRONG preference for a cushion

) and a few things like...I like pave on the band but you don''t have to do that, I like thinner rather than thicker bands, I like the stone to sit low, etc, and he picked the actual setting and actual stone based on these guidelines, so I knew that he wouldn''t get something outside of my taste, but I was still surprised by exactly what I ended up with. I also didn''t want to see MY exact ring before the proposal, but I liked knowing sort of approximately what it would probably end up looking like so I wasn''t freaking out that I might end up with a Carrie-moment.

I agree with aphis that it really does mean a lot to me sentimentally to know that he put all the time and effort into choosing this exact setting and cushion for me, and I''m not sure I would feel the same way about it if I had sent him links to the exact ones I wanted, or we had designed/bought it together, but I honestly think the joy it brings him when I IM him every so often (still, 4 months after we got engaged) "I looooove my ring, it is sooooooooo pretty!

" is greater than that moment of surprise would have been if it had been MORE of a surprise than the amount of surprise it was. Wow that sentence didn''t make sense, sorry!

But basically, he got to surprise me with exactly what shape/size/color/clarity etc of stone, AND the exact setting, so I was definitely VERY surprised when I first laid eyes on it, and he picked the time/method of proposal all on his own, so we got all the good surprise elements in there, but he didn''t have to worry that I might end up with something I didn''t adore, and neither did I! Okay this post is way too long and rambly.

Sorry!

 

[jadove]

As someone who did not like the way her first ring turned out....I highly recommend being involved in the picking of your ring! I told my BF what style I liked - the vera wang, thin pave band, with tiny diamonds on the top of each prong. Little did I know that it is nearly impossible to reproduce it accurately. My BF did his best and took pictures to a custom jeweler. The jeweler totally botched the job!! I was sooooooooo excited to get engaged and to get a ring, but as soon as I took a look at it I knew that I didn't like the way the ring had turned out!! I pretended for about a week that I liked it. It was so hard to show it to all of my friends and pretend that I liked it!!!! Then finally a week later I told my FH that I wanted to change the ring b/c parts of it were crooked (this was true...there was milgraining that was all uneven, among some other things). This led to a whole fiasco in which the jeweler pretended that they could do what I wanted and then 3 weeks later there was no ring made...it was so sad to not have a ring for 3 weeks just after getting engaged! Anyway, I then picked out a totally different setting from the jeweler - just a plain solitaire....compared to my first ring, it looked amazing but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. Then about 4 months after picking it up, the main diamond came loose! Luckily I noticed and took it immediately somewhere ELSE to get fixed. While taking it to get fixed, I found another setting with a pave band that I loved....and now I have that ring! I went through some buyers remorse with my newest ring, thinking that the band was too thick. Also, had some problems with the stones falling out of the pave! I guess I just have bad e-ring luck!! The stones were fixed, none have fallen out since....and I love my ring.

The moral of my story is that if I had been involved right from the beginning, we wouldn't have worked with the first jeweler (as soon as I walked into their offices after we got engaged, I knew it wasn't the place for me!!! It was messy there, dirty, and smelled like smoke.) I would have gotten the ring I wanted originally, and would have saved A LOT of headaches. However, I was naive when I got engaged. I thought you "weren't supposed to" be involved with selecting your ring. What was I thinking? I don't care about surprises! They don't do anything for me. I know what I want and I am happy when I get it. What's the point of being surprised if you don't get exactly what you like??? A friend of mine recently said how romantic it is to be totally surprised with your ring. I totally disagree!!!!!!!!!!!! We're in the 21st century here. Why shouldn't women be involved with the piece of jewelery that they wear everyday and that everyone looks at???? Would I let my FH pick out what I was going to wear everyday? No way! Why should it be any different with a ring?

 

[laurel_aurelia]

i had a guy propose to me the summer before my freshman year of college.

he was one of my best friends, but there was no way i''d ever marry him! it came out of nowhere!

and the ring was HORRIBLE. SOOO ugly. yuck. so i''m glad i didn''t marry him and that now i''m engaged to someone with ACTUAL TASTE IN JEWELRY who told me what HE wanted to get me (mostly in the sense of the diamond) but let me pick out the setting. *whew*

 

[Evie75]

Like i said everyone is different some like surprises some dont.

 

[JenStone]

Date: 4/20/2006 10:17:27 AM
Author: albicocca
My situation was pretty much the same as Evie''s, I think. He wanted it to be a surprise, but even more than that he wanted me to be blown away by how much I loved it, and he knew that the only way to ensure that happened was to let me guide him a little. We went ring looking together (where I was shocked to see how much my tastes changed after seeing rings on my hand) and we discussed what we both liked and didn''t like about lots of individual stones and settings. In the end, I gave him a list of 2 or three stone shapes I liked (but with a STRONG preference for a cushion

) and a few things like...I like pave on the band but you don''t have to do that, I like thinner rather than thicker bands, I like the stone to sit low, etc, and he picked the actual setting and actual stone based on these guidelines, so I knew that he wouldn''t get something outside of my taste, but I was still surprised by exactly what I ended up with. I also didn''t want to see MY exact ring before the proposal, but I liked knowing sort of approximately what it would probably end up looking like so I wasn''t freaking out that I might end up with a Carrie-moment.

I agree with aphis that it really does mean a lot to me sentimentally to know that he put all the time and effort into choosing this exact setting and cushion for me, and I''m not sure I would feel the same way about it if I had sent him links to the exact ones I wanted, or we had designed/bought it together, but I honestly think the joy it brings him when I IM him every so often (still, 4 months after we got engaged) ''I looooove my ring, it is sooooooooo pretty!

'' is greater than that moment of surprise would have been if it had been MORE of a surprise than the amount of surprise it was. Wow that sentence didn''t make sense, sorry!

But basically, he got to surprise me with exactly what shape/size/color/clarity etc of stone, AND the exact setting, so I was definitely VERY surprised when I first laid eyes on it, and he picked the time/method of proposal all on his own, so we got all the good surprise elements in there, but he didn''t have to worry that I might end up with something I didn''t adore, and neither did I! Okay this post is way too long and rambly.

Sorry!

Albi, you and I have very similar tastes in rings...that''s probably why I like your ring so much!

I actually talked to my boyfriend late last night. I told him that I trust his taste, but I would like a very well-cut cushion (more rectangular/oval than square/circular) or a round....and a thin band. I said, "That''s it! Everything else is up to you!"

...you don''t understand how hard it was for a control-freak like me to say that.

But on the bright side, I had emailed him pictures of rings I like last month (including yours, Albi) and hopefully, he''ll get something to my style.

 

[diamondfan]

I guess it strikes a nerve because it sort of lays down a pattern for later gift giving...whereby you are "surprised" but do not get to say what you want or would like to have for an occasion...anniversaries, birth of babies, just because gifts, etc...I guess I think it is a matter of GENTLE guiding and sort of training the person you love to really think about why "surprising" you is so important, versus getting something he knows you will love. I think there are still ways to keep some elements secret even when the person involves you in some selection or choice making. I have so many friends who have opened jewelry boxes or gotten other expensive gifts, and after really having their heart set on something, were cleary disappointed...it might just save a lot of hurt feelings!

 

[TravelingGal]

This thread made me laugh...I think it''s something that all women go through if they''re going to get an engagement ring. The part about the father in law hand model made me laugh harder - very amusing.

I did not want a ring because I didn''t think my boyfriend could afford anything I would love to wear. I know that sounds terrible, but I''m not a jewelry person and if I DO wear jewelry it should be worth wearing. I know he loves me and I don''t equate a ring as a symbol of his love or an engagement, hence I could do without the ring. But HE wanted to give me one. I just wanted a simple one carat solitaire, and I figured his budget of about $2500 wouldn''t really do it. I was honestly happy with just marrying him.

But we had a discussion, and I was honest. I also told him that it wasn''t fair for him to pay for my tastes, and that I would be happy to pay for half of this. I handled this conversation with kid gloves! He mulled it over and I think he was OK with it. A few days later, we were chatting about it again, and I asked him if this entire engagement thing TRULY meant something to him? Did he really want to find a ring and surprise me? Because if so, I would just stop my researching and truly be happy with anything he got me. He thought about it, and then said, no, he really didn''t look forward to the research/buying process, but he DID want to buy me the ring. So I asked, could I do the research? When he nodded, I think I exclaimed only half-jokingly, THANK GOD!

I started really researching. I''m all about getting a good deal! The ironic part is that when I started to research, he would look over my shoulder. Then he wanted to go on whiteflash''s site one night and look for stones. And by sheer luck, he found our needle in a haystack. He asked "what about this one?", I thought about it, and I looked at the price and raised an eyebrow a bit. He said it sounded good and maybe we can check it out?

So the next day I did, and as it turned out HE managed to find the perfect cushion without doing any of the research. I have since gone back to the diamond databases and can''t find anything I like as much. Because I work from home, pulling this all together was easier, and I was happy to relieve him of the work. He''s just so tickled pink because in the end he ended up picking the stone (he likes to think he did the work). He also told me he is giving me quite a bit more for the ring. I protested but he told me it was in his planned budget anyway. I was touched.

I''ve seen the diamond (it''s gone to the appraiser and then back to WF) and picked out the setting. When it''s all done, he''ll pick it up from the appraiser and give it to me when he''s ready. So in a way, I''ll be getting a surprise because I think the finished product will be breathtaking and I won''t have seen it.

Our method isn''t for everyone, but I think it was acceptable to us...he still gets the element of surprise and the proposal he wants to do, and I know I''m getting a nice stone that *he* picked out for me.

 

[ephemery1]

So I had a dream (nightmare?) last night that my BF proposed to me with a ring I REALLY didn''t like... and when we woke up this morning, I told him about it... which obviously started up a "conversation". He basically feels offended that I don''t implicitly trust his judgement, and I told him I just don''t want to hurt his feelings if it''s NOT my dream ring, and I decide I want to change something. He eventually said his feelings will be hurt if I feel the need to change the setting, but he''ll get over it. Which actually made me feel better. He also made the (valid) point that I''m getting all worked up about something when it is still entirely possible I will love the ring he chooses... and yes, I do have the tendency to over-think the worst case scenario before it actually happens. To the point of actually having nightmares about it.

In the end, he concluded that he will most likely be including a gift certificate for life-time therapy in the box along with the ring...

 

[Patches]

while i totally agree the prospect of a less than perfect ring is completely scary, i think the surprise thing is kind of cute. i know my first proposal was completely planned and boring, and the excitement of not knowing how or when this time is completely exhilarating. Although, that may have something to do with the fact the last guy was a total loser (we never got married).