Tact 101

[mymulan]

So 2 of my close friends says I''m a little too blunt and sometimes don''t realize I may be hurting others with my words. I realize that and I''ve been trying to change a bit and be more tactful.

I''m stumped. Today, a co-worker comes in to work in her brand new jeans that are possibly a size too small for her and the fat is rolling off her waist. I never comment about these unless I''m asked but I guess today is my unlucky day....(possibly since I am 1 of only 3 girls in the office) she comes over to greet me and then ask if I like her new jeans and if I think there were a bit too tight.

The first response I would have said is "Ya, I think they are too tight on you" and proceed to possibly make her pissed.

Today, I paused for literally 5 seconds to think about a response. What should I say to not hurt her? How can I be more tactful? So I said "I like your new jeans but a size up would probably be more comfortable".

I winced...cuz she didn''t say anything for a few seconds and then said " I just had too much to eat this morning plus not everyone is skinny, you know.. " rolls her eyes and leaves.... When I went to the breakroom, she was there talking with another co-worker (the other female co-worker) and overheard the co-worker saying how the jeans made her look skinny and how sexy it made her butt look..etc...etc..

I''ve never wanted to win any popularity contest...but it kinda confuses me....Let me ask all PS''ers one thing... when someone post their new ring/bling....and you don''t like it, do you:

a.) Not say anything
b.) Say how pretty it is
c.) Pick something positive to say about the ring ... like "The diamond is so beautiful"

If you were the co-worker in the tight jeans... what are you really expecting to get out of asking a question like that? I''m sure she''s very aware of the roll....so I think she''s wanting confirmation that the jeans look great on her...so I lie?

 

[strmrdr]

hmm im not one to answer this cuz i would have said they make you look like a walrus.
My idea of tact is a 16 penny nail in the skull.

 

[ForteKitty]

Well, if she asked whether it was too tight, I would have responded with, "Yeah, a little."

but of course, the PC response would have been. "No way, they look wonderfully sexy on you."

People know I''m blunt, so they usually don''t ask what I think.

 

[jaysonsmom]

a) If I can''t find anything positive to say, I don''t say anything.

That''s easy to do when they are showing something online. However, if person comes up to me to ask me an opinion about their new clothes, hairdo, makeup etc, I''d pick C....try to find something positive about it.

I have NEVER lied about liking something that I don''t. I guess I''m just an honest, tactful person. It comes from my upbringing (dad was a diplomat) and he taught me the importance of being courteous, and pleasant with everyone around me, even if I don''t like them much.

 

[IrishEyes]

Ooh, this is a toughie. Well, I know where you are coming from for one thing! I don''t believe in lying to people. So many women are guilty of telling the "white lie", like "oh those jeans look great!! Fat? Naw! you look fantastic!" then turn around and roll their eyes and tell another co-worker "omg, did you see Betty''s jeans? She needs to lose a few!" SO WRONG!!!

If you don''t have anything nice to say, don''t say anything at all!!

It really varies for me. It depends on how close to the person I am. My husband, geez, I tell him EXACTLY how I feel about things. I tell him if he looks great, I tell him (nicely) if he looks crappy. Same with my best friend and my mom, who I''m very close to. BUT, if I''m only casual acquaintances with someone, I will usually say something like " Do YOU like them? Personally, they aren''t my taste, but if YOU are comfortable with them, don''t worry about what I think". This way you aren''t offending them, but you aren''t lying either.

In regards to rings here on PS, most of the time I am bowled over by how stunning they are! But every now and then, someone posts one that I don''t like or isn''t my taste. I prefer not to say anything at all usually. There are so many replying to the posts, so the person posting the ring is getting the positive encouragement they need anyway. I don''t feel the need to go on there and say something I don''t feel is true! Sometimes I won''t like a ring''s design, but I will love the center stone, so many times I will post and say "I love your stone!" because I truly do. But again, if you don''t have ANYTHING nice to say, bite your tongue!!

 

[abradabra]

I would lie in that situation. It''s definitely not the popular response, but hey, we''re being honest here (the irony).

This is my theory: what someone wears, what someone''s ring looks like, etc. doesn''t impact my life one way or the other. So I don''t much see the point in hurting someone''s feelings. Especially because, in most situations, there''s nothing they can do about it now. Similarly, I don''t want to hear bad stuff people have to say about my clothes/jewelry/etc. If they do, well, it''s not my preference, but I can handle it.

I definitely respect bluntness in others but I don''t practice it myself. You''re definitely more honest than me and I think that''s a good thing. I wouldn''t worry too much about whether other people can handle it or not, most people will get over it.

More likely than not, I''ll say the opposite ... I had a co-worker come in one day with a new haircut. To me, I thought it looked kind of boxy, like a TV anchor woman''s hair. When she asked me what I thought, I told "It looks so professional, but not at all like a news anchorwoman''s!"

 

[lmurden]

Date: 7/14/2005 12:51:23 PM
Author: strmrdr
hmm im not one to answer this cuz i would have said they make you look like a walrus.
My idea of tact is a 16 penny nail in the skull.

You never cease to amaze me!

 

[fountainfairfax]

I''d probably just ask "why do you ask? are they uncomfortable?" how would I know if they look too tight? when someone is overweight fat rolls over everything (believe me, I know) whether its tight or not

. Yeah, she already knows the answer and needs to feel good about something...maybe I''d say I like the flare-cut or the color but unless it''s my sister I avoid any conflict. My sister has actually told me that she doesn''t take pictures of me with my niece because I''m too fat & don''t photograph well (both of which are VERY true,) so I wouldn''t hesitate to tell her the truth either.

as for the ring question- every once in a while someone might post something that isn''t my taste and if I can''t find something truthfully nice to say I just don''t post.

 

[Kaili]

I don''t lie, but I look for something nice to say.

If someone comes to work wearing an outfit that she can''t immedidately change and one for which she just paid good money, it is obvious that she is asking for some positive feedback. She wants to share the excitement of her new item. If she really had doubts about the new jeans, she would not have worn them to work. In this case, I would have found something positive to say and let her get through the rest of her day feeling good about herself.

If it was a situation where my sister was standing in a store ready to buy a pair of pants 2 sizes too small, I would suggest that she try on the next size up just for the sake of comparison and comfort.

I do understand the fact that if someone asks for an oppinion, they leave themselves open to positive and negative feedback. There is, though, this weird female communication code that I started to learn around 6th grade- some men understand it when their wife asks if she looks fat. Sometimes, some women aren''t really asking if they look good, but rather, they are asking you to help make them feel ok with themselves.

I think you have to decide on a case by case basis how blunt you should be, but I don''t think you have to be dishonest.

Just my .02

 

[Blue824]

Ummm...I would''ve been pretty upset if someone said that to me!

Usually if someone buys something new, they''re excited and want to show them off, so instead of criticizing say something positive, just like "yeah they''re cute, where''d you get them" or if its really horrendous I go, "well, not my favorite, but..." and then I find a positivething to say... and then keep your mouth shut because otherwise its sort of hurtful. Its an entirely different situation if you''re with a friend trying things on, that''s the time to say too small, too tight, ehhh...but if the deal is done and they like what they got, obviously because they bought it, a little compliment will suffice.

 

[blueroses]

Yeah, I would have made the comment about the JEANS and not really talked about how they looked on her.....like, "yeah, those ARE really cute jeans, where did you get them?"

And if she persisted in asking whether they looked tight or whatever then, "well, they do fit snugly, but that''s the style isn''t it?"....and changing the subject..."ooh, I love the detailing on those pockets" .... " I like how the pant leg is, did they have one w/ [more/less/whatever] flare/bootcut/cuff, etc"

 

[bopitaddict]

i wouldn''t say they looked good on her if they didn''t (but i''m a guy and they probalby wouldn''t ask me)...

i probably would go along the lines of: "dang girl, can you breathe in those things?"

 

[IrishEyes]

This thread has made me realize that I am never again going to ask for a woman''s opinion on clothes!! I''m a strange cat, I prefer the dirty truth on everything. I don''t get my feelings hurt too easily, I''m just not too sensitive and I''m pretty confident within myself. So if something looks truly hideous on me and I ask someone what they think, I want to hear "you should not wear that, you look too ___ in it!" I don''t want to hear "oh those are cute!" unless they are really cute ON ME, not the clothing item itself being cute.

My husband learned very quickly not to lie to me. When I ask him something looks on me, he gives me the absolute truth. He will tell me if it''s nice, if it''s too short/tight/revealing/conservative/I''m too pale, etc. And I rely on that feedback because sometimes I won''t see it in the mirror, but he does. I would rather have the truth than go out in public looking like a fool.

But this is me. Like I said, I''m different. I''ve always associated more with men than women, mostly because I am a very direct and honest individual, whereas I feel many women are catty and don''t tell the absolute truth. Not all, just many.

Bopitaddict, I like your answer! If they don''t look good on her, don''t say they do just to make her happy. Sounds good to me

 

[mymulan]

You can still ask me, IrishEyes.. .

I''m very much like you. When I ask a question, I want the truth. If it looks bad on me, I''d like to know. If I have a booger hanging out of my nose, serisouly no ONE tells you anymore these days...

I now realize she''s fishing for a compliment to make herself feel good about her purchase.... but I feel it is rather unfair to the person being asked... Damn if you say what you really think, damn if you lie. The other option is to quickly find some other positive comments that does not directly answer the question, "Do these jeans look tight on me?


Most say that "If you have nothing good to say, don''t say it". How about, "If you can''t take a negative response, don''t ask?"

 

[IrishEyes]

LOL, I like that response! Yup, If you can''t handle it, don''t ask it! I really don''t like when people fish for compliments from people they don''t know that well. And you''re right, she was looking for reassurance, most likely. But then why did she buy them? There are many times I''m clothing shopping and see something so cute. Much to my dismay however, once I get it on in the dressing room, it''s not for me. I hate it, but I have to suck it up and put it back on the rack. Sounds to me like she saw something she liked, tried it on, wasn''t really happy with how she looked in it, but had to have it anyway. Now she''s looking for justification for making the purchase. Well, if it were me she came to, I''m sorry but I''m not going to tell you it looks great because it doesn''t IMO. Like I said earlier, I would ask her how she feels in them and let her know that''s all that matters. I would tell her that if she''s not comfortable in/with them, maybe she shouldn''t wear them anymore.

 

[twinkletoes]

Date: 7/14/2005 4:56:23 PM
Author: Feydakin
''It''s because you are fat that you look fat''

i had a mighty good laugh over that line!

if it''s a friend and she''s excited about a hot pair of jeans she just purchased and asked how they look and whether they are they too tight - i''d probably tell her they''re cute and that jeans always stretch out so they''ll fit better after some wear. god knows i''ve done my share of squats and lunges in the dressing room trying on jeans. besides, everyone has different styles and different taste so who''s to say someone isn''t thinking the same "omg look what she''s wearing" comment about me at some time or other when i thought i looked damn hot.

if the person is obnoxious and just trying to brag about the newest/greatest thing or the questions are coming from someone that''s always fishing for compliments - i''d probably shrug and give a half a$$ed answer like, " sure" and go back to whatever it was that i was doing. but for the most part i agree with abradabra in that it doesn''t really affect me or the "bigger picture" so i''ll be polite with most people.

 

[ame]

I am tactless as well. I am probably TOO honest for my own good. I should probably be nicer with my honest delivery too but I always felt like I would rather tell the truth and be honest than lie and be nice about it. I wish others felt the same way.

I feel for you. I am a similar personality. Some folks just can''t deal with honesty. I too wish there was some way to learn tact.

 

[windy1365]

It sounds to me that this girl set you up to make you look like the bad guy. She has to know that you are a blunt person. She obviously knew that her pants were to tight or she wouldn''t have been going around asking people. She knew that if she asked you, you would say something mean.

 

[TheDiamondangel]

Never ask a question you don''t want an honest answer to...ESPECIALLY from another woman!

I personally would have turned it around on her and said "Do YOU think they''re too tight?" and walked away, leaving her to ponder the question. (But years ago I would have just replied "Ewe! How many crowbars did you break getting into those things?"

)

 

[MrsH]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh Here you are DA!

I was wondering where you escape to? Good to see you!

I am on a 3 day banned pass from BTD

By the way, regarding the question of the jeans, I never seem to get put in these postions? How lucky am I...I would of been dumbfounded wondering what the heck she THOUGHT I was supposed to say?

"Ummmmm I can''t tell I had my eyes checked thsi week and I am waiting on my new spectacles to arrive?

 

[Mara]

Thank you diamond angel, that is a great response! Why do people ask questions designed to make people lie? Why ask if you think they are too tight when obviously she must know that or else why ask?? If you ask a question, expect the honest answer! I ask Greg questions all the time about clothes or how I look etc...he''s very honest with me. I don''t get offended...why bother?! He''s being honest. I know he loves me so why would I get offended about something? ESPECIALLY if I ask.

I also am very blunt and if someone asks me something, I am most of the time honest or sometimes silence is worth a thousand words and a meek little smile.

When I see a ring or something I don''t like here on PS, I usually just don''t respond. My taste doesn''t have to be everyone''s and vice versa. I also usually don''t post a PC response to things, especially when people come in and ask a question, aka is this diamond nice but I already bought it.

 

[Kaili]

Date: 7/14/2005 9:08:10 PM
Author: ame
I am tactless as well. I am probably TOO honest for my own good. I should probably be nicer with my honest delivery too but I always felt like I would rather tell the truth and be honest than lie and be nice about it. I wish others felt the same way.

I feel for you. I am a similar personality. Some folks just can''t deal with honesty. I too wish there was some way to learn tact.

Can''t you be honest AND nice at the same time? I don''t think they are mutually exclusive. Tone of voice or wording can make a big difference.

Have you ever been the target of someone being mean under the "honest" excuse? I don''t mean as a result of you fishing for a compliment, but just someone who is not tactful in their delivery. It can hurt badly.

For example, if I ask someone if she likes my new highlights; she can tell me that they might be a bit bright for my skin tone and that I might want to put a toner in my hair. She doesn''t have to tell me that I look like trailer trash.

It is all in the delivery in my oppinion.

 

[hlmr]

Hi mymulan:

Well, since there were two questions asked, I probably would have answered the first question and ignored the second question. If I liked the jeans in question, I would have complimented the jeans and focused the coversation around them and where she bought them, and are they comfortable

, and were they a good deal, etc., etc.

I would have tried to avoid the second question as I hate to lie and I don''t like to hurt someone''s feelings, even if they are asking for an honest opinion.

That being said, if I were pressed for an answer to question # 2 I would have told the truth.

Heather

 

[Blue824]

Date: 7/14/2005 10:39:24 PM
Author: Mara
Thank you diamond angel, that is a great response! Why do people ask questions designed to make people lie? Why ask if you think they are too tight when obviously she must know that or else why ask?? If you ask a question, expect the honest answer! I ask Greg questions all the time about clothes or how I look etc...he''s very honest with me. I don''t get offended...why bother?! He''s being honest. I know he loves me so why would I get offended about something? ESPECIALLY if I ask.

I also am very blunt and if someone asks me something, I am most of the time honest or sometimes silence is worth a thousand words and a meek little smile.

Well, I think there''s a difference when you ask a SO or best friend than a coworker though. One is a much closer relationship while the other is more casual. If it was a friend I''d be like ummm...can you take that back still

But at work, its like why rock the boat...keep things pleasant and everyone happy, no reason to upset someone about their jean purchase.

Kalli is also right, it is all on the delivery though.

 

[coconut]

I would have shut my mouth if she didn''t ask anything....
but if she did, for whatever reason, I would have told her, "the jean seams a bit tight on the back side."

 

[mymulan]

I agree it is in the delivery.... if I had responded by calling her a walrus, that would be mean... but I didn''t... which I now kinda regret because whether I called her that or not, she''s pissed anyway.

 

[Mara]

There is a huge difference between being blunt and honest and being mean and honest. I mean calling someone trailer trash is a far cry from saying your highlights are bright! One is honest and straightforward and one is just mean.

That is why I tend not to say anything if I don't like something...or just do an 'mmhmm' if it's someone I know well. Within my family that one sound can mean alot.

Personally, I think this gal is not the brightest bulb for asking you a question like that at WORK. Not professional in my opinion, is she trying to bait you with the 'too tight' thing?

 

[mymulan]

coconut...


Does "the jean seams a bit tight on the back side" sound better than my response which was "a size up will be more comfortable"????????? I seem to have a lot to learn!

 

[Mara]

somewhat off-topic but related..why do people try to squeeze themselves into too small jeans? i mean if a roll is protruding..THE JEANS ARE TOO TIGHT!!!!

 

[mymulan]

Mara, I really don''t know what this co-worker is up to...we don''t even talk much nor have lunches together so I don''t know what has gotten into her to approach me... she probably got desperate and I''m the only girl in sight. ......or.....since I''m always in jeans at work, maybe she was trying to "bond"???....but we''ve both been working there for over 5 years...and different departments.... so bonding now????


...PS is great.. you get a mix of different people. I was glad someone called me stupid or similar when I almost bought a 2.66 carat uncerted diamond a few months back. BOY!!! Am I glad someone stopped me from doing such a stupid thing...... we need more people like that outside of the online world....