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Taking a break before Marriage

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chieffan22

Rough_Rock
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Jun 19, 2006
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Has anyone ever taken a break from their relationship before getting married. My Girlfirend and I bacame very serious and wanted to get married. She because very overwhelmed with the whole thing and decided we should have some time apart to fiqure out if marriage is right for us. Anyone had similar a experience or have any thoughts?
 
Hi Chieffan... it seems like you and your GF have had a difficult month... lots of ups and downs!
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I can''t personally relate, as my fiance and I have fortunately been on the same page for most of our dating/engagement process, but a couple questions come to mind...

1) Is this a mutual decision or primarily your GF?
2) How long have you been dating? I only ask because I''m wondering if her "cold feet" could come from rushing into something after only a short time (a few months), or if it is a more long-term relationship that has gone through other ups and downs.

I also remember you mentioning your GF was going to be seeing a doctor about potential depression... has she had any counseling along with that? It sounds like she may be at a point in her life where she is making lots of decisions, and could benefit from talking with an objective counselor/therapist to sort things out in her mind. I really wish you the best... you sound like a truly caring guy and my fingers are crossed that everything will work out for you. In my opinion, it is better to take the decision to get married seriously, as your GF is doing, rather than just jump into it naively... so you may already be at an advantage. Keep us posted!
 
It was more her decision. We did rush into things but mostly because she said it was what she wanted, she kept pushing for marriage. She is seeing a therapist so I am hoping that will help her. She is very overwhelmed so all I can do it give her some space I guess. I am willing to slow things down.
 
Chieffan... I think both you and your GF are being responsible and wise right now. Rushing into things can sometimes work out fine, but other times you really need to pull back and gain perspective before you make the decision to move forward again. Therapy can be SO helpful in these sorts of things. Hopefully someone else who has been through a similar experience will be able to chime in with some encouragement for you, but in the meantime, keep doing exactly what you''re doing... being supportive, thoughtful and patient... your girlfriend will appreciate it more than you can imagine.
 
Hi Chieffan! I''ll go with Ephemery on this one. I remember your posts about your girl''s sudden onset of depression, and how you decided to propose ASAP to try to help the situation. If I remember correctly, the proposal helped her in knowing you love her unconditionally but it didn''t totally remove her sadness.

Unfortunately, I cannot personally relate to this situation either. I''m not engaged yet, but my boyfriend and I have been solid for pretty much the entire time we''ve been together and (knock on wood) it looks like it will stay that way. I think answering Ephemery''s questions will give us some insight and possibly allow us to provide you with some insight (i.e. how long you''ve been together, the dynamics of your relationship, how this decision came about, etc.)

Good luck and let us know how everything goes! I hope if your fiance decides to see a doctor, she will be able to find the root of her unhappiness. Keep your chin up!
 
I was obviously typing while you two responded again.
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It''s great she''s in therapy, and hopefully she will be able to get her feelings straightened out to allow the happiness to settle in. I think you are being very patient and I commend you for that. She is lucky to have you stand by her when she needs support the most. Working through issues like this is so important before entering a marriage, so good for you!!!
 
Hi Chieffan,

I''m sorry to hear that she has decided that a break is necessary, but I think you should take advantage of this time. Spend some time reflecting on what you want and how you feel about yourself and your relationship with her. What I glean from your posts is that what takes place in your relationship is more often than not based on her wants and needs, not what you as a couple have decided is best and right for the collective you. Two specific examples are that you rushed into proposing because she wanted it and now you''re on a break because she wanted it. And in reading a previous post I was disturbed that she said She "she thinks she can''t make me happy." If someone says they aren''t good enough for you, they may very well be right.

I was engaged to the wrong person once...and I felt it in my bones. Maybe she is the right person for you and she just needs to work through her stuff before she can commit to marriage...but be sure it''s what you both want, and that you are truly happy, because if you aren''t you have a long tough road ahead.
 
My boyfriend and I had a similar break about 2 years into our relationship. My parents basically threw me out and cut me off when they didn''t approve of what college I chose to go to and my BF moved with me to help me pay for housing and what not. It was a hugely stressful year and it pushed a fairly new (1 year) relationship of 2 young people into a very serious place.

Basically he freaked out about our relationship getting so serious so quickly and was worried that we were becoming codependent on each other in a crippling way. We split for about 10 months, lived alone and I (now) think it was the best choice for both of us. I don''t think we''d be engaged now if we hadn''t broken up then.

It still took a long time after that (4 years) for us to get to a place where he felt comfortable with the reality of marriage, sometimes he still feels like he''s too young for this but it''s not in the way any more. He realizes he knows what he wants and he wont let ideas of what he "should do" make his choices for him.

It sounds like your girlfriend has had a stressful couple of months and it''s not the best time to be making huge life choices. My FI and I have both delt with depression and I know we''ve both regretted rash choices made while we were overly emotional. I hope she gets some help for her problems and that you guys can work through this. Good luck!
 
Hi Chieffan,
How long have you been dating? Your situation resonates with me in a big way. After 6 months with my now-fiance, I began having a series of anxiety attacks, because I knew that he was starting to think about marriage. While I knew I loved him, and had never met anyone with whom I was so comfortable and compatible, I also knew I had big issues with marriage and major fears about my ability to be a good long-term partner to him. I definitely did not feel ready for the comittment. Luckily, I was able to talk to him about this sudden change in my feelings, and I was able to step back from the relationship for a few weeks to evaluate what I really wanted. I also went to a counselor for several sessions, which helped with the anxiety. We were able to reconnect.

Several months later, we began talking about rings, and did some shopping together, but again, my fears kind of took over and we decided to wait again. Well, I don''t necessarily advocate waiting as long as he did if you really want to get married, but after 5 years together (3.5 of them living together), he finally proposed more or less formally (there hadn''t been a true proposal in the earlier discussions), and I did accept, very happily. Here''s a secret though - I still struggle, sometimes. Again, it''s nothing to do with him, just with my own issues, including mild depression and anxiety.

I CANNOT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH how important his patience was to me during the whole process. If he had been constantly pushing me for reassurance and answers during those few weeks when I first freaked out, I would not have been able to give it, and I would have been likely to just run away completely. Not everyone has the strength that he must have had during that period, but it sounds like you respect the space she needs right now. I know it''s hard to understand her feelings and actions when they seem so contradictory, but if you can, just let her know that you''ll be there if she needs you, and let her work through it. Honestly, that''s about all you can do right now. Sorry, I know it''s frustrating, and I really feel for both of you. It may seem like everything needs to be settled and decided immediately, but it really doesn''t.
 
Thank you all for your words of wisdom and hope. I feel so much better. I know the best thing I can do is be patient and give the the time and space she needs. We did rush into things and got caught up in the moment, we have been together about 10 months. Strange thing is that we really get along, I have never met any one that makes me so happy. We laugh a lot. I just hope she realizes that those qualities are hard to find. You are all right, just going ahead with the marriage would have made things worse. Hopefully this time apart will make us stronger and fiqure out what is important.
 
Sometimes a break is what it takes for a person to realize what she''s missing. Relationships can be confusing and a little intimidating when they develope quickly. I have been in a very similar situation where there was nothing incompadible about us with eachother--it was just we were both incompadible with the rush we had gotten ourselves into. A break can also help people realize that it is okay to be happy and in love without the pressure of marriage building until you are good and ready for it. My situation turned out VERY well, and hopefully yours will too!
 
Selkie,

What made you decide to go back after a weeks? Does a few weeks really make a difference? Sometimes I feel like maybeit is not meant to be.
 
I have not seen any other threads where you have discussed any of this, and I certainly hope it all turns out well for both of you. I would just mention that sometimes these things happen for a reason, and while I am not saying you two should not be together, just give it to a higher power that if it is all meant to be, it will happen. Let her have the space she needs, and also use that time to see how you feel about it all, too. It is not just about her, you are in a relationship together. I hope it all comes out right!
 
Date: 7/7/2006 12:38:31 AM
Author: chieffan22
Selkie,
What made you decide to go back after a weeks? Does a few weeks really make a difference? Sometimes I feel like maybeit is not meant to be.
Click to expand...


Obviously, I don''t know you or your gf at all, so take my ramblings only as an example of a situation where it did work out. It is always a possibility that it is "not meant to be," and that she is really trying to tell you that she wants to end it all together. In that case, I don''t know what to tell you, except that I''m very sorry. It''s easy to convince ourselves that there is hope in a situation, even when there isn''t. I hope she can at least be honest with you rather than cover up her real feelings to avoid hurting you. I, at least, would rather know the truth even if it means the end of the relationship.

When you say you are taking a break, what exactly does it mean? Do you still talk and see each other, or is it a total break with no contact? We were still in contact during the break, but we didn''t spend nearly as much time together. We didn''t really break up, I guess. He let me take the lead on how much time we spent together, and what we did. And I certainly didn''t resolve everything within the period of time I mentioned, just made a few decisions and decided I was going to work on the relationship.

The reasons I decided to stay and work it out are numerous, and the whole thing goes against the conventional wisdom of "If it doesn''t feel right, then it isn''t meant to be." I always followed that rule in the past, but I realized that this was just going to keep happening in every potential future relationship. It was a pattern with me (getting freaked out and running OR clinging to a bad relationship-you name it, I''ve done it
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). I did a lot of reading, saw a therapist, really thought about what I wanted, and realized that I couldn''t just let irrational fear control me. The fact that our relationship was strong at its core and that he is an amazing guy played a huge role in helping me decide to continue it.

Keep us updated...
 
Giving her the space she needs is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
 
I''m sure it is the hardest thing you''ve ever had to do! It''s painful to watch someone you love question his/her life and wonder what your place is. It takes a big person to take a step back and allow some breathing room. I hope everything works out for you...and that you become a part of the decision-making process so your wants are taken care of. Have you cut off contact as part of the ''space'' agreement? Good luck!
 
Greetings from a newbie here!!!!

Just wanted to add my 2cents.

10 months is a VERY short time to be in a relationship. Although it currently seems that she is your dream girl and she makes you laugh, etc. Over time those things that she does that makes you mushy and look at her adoringly now could absolutely grate on your nerves 3yrs down the track.

Time is the key. By all means go ahead with the engagement, BUT perhaps you should have an extended engagement, say like 2 or 3yrs. This will give her time to have the much needed counselling she needs for her depression, but also give you time to think if marriage is definitely want you desire with this woman.

Good luck with it all!!!
 
We have not really been taliking. She send me an email saying she misses me like crazy and she loves me. She moved out but left her cats here as she know hoe much I love them. Should I keep the ring or sell it? She asked me not to sell it.
 
She returned the ring, eh? If she left the cats, I''d hold off on selling.
 
How did you two leave things? Did she move nearby? If she left the cats I would think that is a good sign...but giving back the ring confuses me...what is the next step in the plan for her? (timeline, etc...is she saying she will know in X amount of time, what is she waiting for to happen?)
 
I asked her for the ring back. I didn''t feel it was fair that she hold on to it since she is moving out and we are taking a break. I told her the door is open and I would hold on to it for a while. She can''t expect me to keep it forever. She wore the ring every day until I asked for it back.
We haven''t discussed a time line. I am giving myself a month. If things pregress between us... I will go with it. If not, I will move on.
She move about 25 miles away.
 
Cheiffan:

I am glad you have given yourself a timeline as well as requested the ring back. I say don''t sell it until you are beyond that time frame. Have you let her know that you intend to move on once that month has passed?

Keep your chin up, you are handling this really well.
 
I don''t want to put any pressure on her right now with time lines. I just want to wait and see how thngs progress over the next few weeks. I really feel like she wants to marry me... she is just terrified. She is 26.
 
Hey Chieffan,
I really wish we knew what your girl was so terrified of. But obviously if you don''t know, there''s no way we will. I agree that you are handling this very well. Shows maturity. I don''t have much else to add but I hope you find happiness! Keep us updated!
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I''m not clear on why you asked for the ring back. If she said she needed a break and moved out but did not ask to break off the engagement completely, it sounds like you were hurt and just asked for the ring back as a result. To me, I would have been more reassured if you had said, take a break if you need to, but I love you and I''ll be here for you when you work through whatever is wrong. Being engaged does not always mean the couple has to live together, as suprising as that seems. By asking for the ring back and even thinking about selling the ring this soon, I wonder if you are really ready to make a lifetime commitment yourself. I also think setting a time limit of a month isn''t realistic either. It sounds like you are trying to take control of a situation that is beyond your control at the moment. She could be dealing with anxiety or depression that is affecting her decisionmaking at the moment. It would be awfully sad to only give her a month to work out her problems. Do you not love her enough to give her the time she needs even if it is a little longer?

Sorry if this is too blunt..I just saw the thread and thought I''d throw in my 2 cents.
 
I kind of thought the same thing DS...

Chieffan, how old are you?

Marriage IS scary and it should not be rushed into to put a band-aid on a personal wound. It''s fab that you get along very well and laugh a lot, however not to be a cynic but after 10 months you guys should still be in a honeymoon phase where you DO get along great, laugh alot, have a great time, which is not like ''real life'' necessarily...long term I mean. Not sure about realism here.

Anyway sounds like she has some issues of her own to work out unrelated to you...you should want her to get better with her own issues and be healthy for herself mentally, so that you two could continue on to build a life together. As for whether or not it''s meant to be, only time will tell.

Good luck!
 
Hi Chieffan, hope things are going ok for you. I would agree with some others that ten months is a relatively short period of time and its the honeymoon period. The next time you are talking to her, try and get her to open up to you properly. Is it just the though of marriage that has her scared or are there deeper issues. This might be fine for you ten months down the line, but what if it happens again when you''re about to get married, or when you are married down the line. I agree patience is the key, but you cannot put your life on hold completely either. It sounds like she is trying to work on her issues though by seeing the councellor, so I would keep the ring until you both decide what you are going to do.
 
Maybe asking for the ring back was not a good idea but I am just doing the best I can to cope with this difficult situation. I agree that 10 months is the honeymoon period which we were in until her depression start. Her fear is that things will fail. She wants to be sure that I am the person she wants to married. I don''t feel the need to jump into marriage, I love her and am just happy to be with her. All the pressure for marriage came from her. The mixed messages are very hard to deal with. If she needs space... then space I will give her. I am not ready to give up on this relationship yet.
 
Not trying to sound too cynical, but I believe you did the right thing by requesting the ring back. Her moving out and the fact that you have not spoken to each other for a little while suggests to me that it is risky leaving the ring with her. What if you never saw her again and that this is her move in wiping you completely from her life (just because she left the cats does not mean she is returning, it could be convenience of not having to locate somewhere where she can have cats, or no longer wants responsibility of them)?

And to me an e-ring is quite a costly investment and you dont want to just throw money away like that! Again, I am not trying to sound negative, but am taking a realist approach on this for your own sake.

Chin up, I am sure things will work out for the best. You may not be able to see the big picture now, but down the track everything will be come clear and logical. I''m a big believer that all things happen for a reason!!
 
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