Tell me how you survived raising small children

[diamondyes]

My kids seem to be sick every second week (knock on wood) and I never have enough sleep, life is feeling HARD! What got you through?

And yes yes I am appreciating these days but damn 4:30am comes early and most recently the kids had some kind of gastro or stomach bug… I’ll spare you the details.

I work two jobs and my DH has a health condition that leaves him unavailable to me and solo-parenting at times. It’s all feeling like a lot and I need some hope that easier days may be ahead.

 

[FL_runner]

I’m so sorry, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate! Sending positive thoughts to you!

As much as possible, sleep when they sleep!

Let other things, like housework, slide a bit. Make simpler meals.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to family and friends for help! When the kids are well, set up play dates to keep them occupied.

It does get easier! As soon as they are able, start asking them to do their share of the household work, even as simple as cleaning up after themselves

 

[seaurchin]

You can only do what you can do. But fwiw, personally, the one thing I'd do differently above all else is to both work fewer hours, worry less about building wealth and material things, have more date nights, babysitters and household help and take more time to enjoy the little ones.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

My kids seem to be sick every second week (knock on wood) and I never have enough sleep, life is feeling HARD! What got you through?

And yes yes I am appreciating these days but damn 4:30am comes early and most recently the kids had some kind of gastro or stomach bug… I’ll spare you the details.

I work two jobs and my DH has a health condition that leaves him unavailable to me and solo-parenting at times. It’s all feeling like a lot and I need some hope that easier days may be ahead.

I feel you! It WILL get better though. If you can at all try to take a nap whenever you can (I personally cannot sleep during the day, even when I had those 4.30 mornings..). Even if your DH is not super available, on a good day on weekends he could go outside with them for 1/2 hours to catch up on the sleep. I second asking for help or if at all possible, pay for help. there might be a group at your church or neighborhood center where senior citizens offer help you I young families. It's a win/win for child loving older folks and young families...

 

[diamondyes]

You can only do what you can do. But fwiw, personally, the one thing I'd do differently above all else is to both work fewer hours, worry less about building wealth and material things, have more date nights, babysitters and household help and take more time to enjoy the little ones.

This is interesting. I just started my second job because it’s been so sad for me to have my career stall. But your perspective is really making me think. Thank you.

 

[diamondyes]

You can only do what you can do. But fwiw, personally, the one thing I'd do differently above all else is to both work fewer hours, worry less about building wealth and material things, have more date nights, babysitters and household help and take more time to enjoy the little ones.

I keep rereading this.

The more I can save now, the better, thanks for the magic of compounding and investing… but Working so much when the kids are 1 and 3 is so exhausting.

How did you come to this conclusion? Can you tell me more?

 

[seaurchin]

I keep rereading this.

The more I can save now, the better, thanks for the magic of compounding and investing… but Working so much when the kids are 1 and 3 is so exhausting.

How did you come to this conclusion? Can you tell me more?

We retired early with plenty of money and nothing to do. So looking back, I do wonder what we thought the big hurry was to "make it." You know?

 

[susiegrneyes]

Are the grandparents nearby? We send my three year old to visit for an hour every weekend. I use that hour to rest or speed clean.

 

[lilmosun]

When I debated going back to work full time (as opposed to working part time and having my career stall), my pediatrician advised "Do what will make you happy because a happy mom is a better mom".

As others have suggested, you need to make regular time for yourself!! Make it part of your weekly schedule - a set time each week - whether it's to sleep in, have lunch or dinner with friends, go to a museum...whatever makes you happy. If you don't have friends, hire someone to babysit a few hours each week. Consider it the cost of working two jobs and well earned.

 

[MamaBear]

It does get better! The days are long and the years are short! It’s tough being a mama! Get rest and get out for a date with your hubby when you can. Be realistic with the expectations you set. We are often harder on ourselves than we realize.

 

[diamondyes]

We retired early with plenty of money and nothing to do. So looking back, I do wonder what we thought the big hurry was to "make it." You know?

I totally get what you’re saying. I think about this kind of thing a lot. May I ask to roughly how much you were working when the kids were little? Full time, or beyond?

 

[diamondyes]

We retired early with plenty of money and nothing to do. So looking back, I do wonder what we thought the big hurry was to "make it." You know?

PS may I ask at what age you retired? I’m aiming for 50ish

 

[diamondyes]

Are the grandparents nearby? We send my three year old to visit for an hour every weekend. I use that hour to rest or speed clean.

No :/
4 hours away… so we get to see them when we can but it’s hard to build into regular life

 

[diamondyes]

When I debated going back to work full time (as opposed to working part time and having my career stall), my pediatrician advised "Do what will make you happy because a happy mom is a better mom".

As others have suggested, you need to make regular time for yourself!! Make it part of your weekly schedule - a set time each week - whether it's to sleep in, have lunch or dinner with friends, go to a museum...whatever makes you happy. If you don't have friends, hire someone to babysit a few hours each week. Consider it the cost of working two jobs and well earned.

Thank you. I know this but needed the reminder. I am going to make it my mission and plan some things tonight!

 

[diamondyes]

When I debated going back to work full time (as opposed to working part time and having my career stall), my pediatrician advised "Do what will make you happy because a happy mom is a better mom".

As others have suggested, you need to make regular time for yourself!! Make it part of your weekly schedule - a set time each week - whether it's to sleep in, have lunch or dinner with friends, go to a museum...whatever makes you happy. If you don't have friends, hire someone to babysit a few hours each week. Consider it the cost of working two jobs and well earned.

The idea of making it a set regular thing is a really good idea.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

My advice would be that this won’t last forever. The dependency on you when they’re sick, the development stages of toddlerhood, the clinging, the wearing multiple hats at once. Just like everything in life, adjust for the short term. If you can cut down work hours to focus on your kids and prioritize your mental health a little more, it could provide you a better quality of life and you can be there for your kids while they still want you to haha. When they’re older and more independent, you can go back to working longer hours if that’s what you want.

I’ll also say that expectations on moms is WAY too unrealistic and demanding, so don’t give into those! Follow your instincts and your values, trust yourself in your parenting, and don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you’re not doing a good enough job.

It’s exhausting, I hear you. Some days it feels impossible, and you barely make it to the end of the day. You ask yourself how much longer can I do this, but you also know you’d do anything for your kids.

 

[qubitasaurus]

My kids seem to be sick every second week (knock on wood) and I never have enough sleep, life is feeling HARD! What got you through?

And yes yes I am appreciating these days but damn 4:30am comes early and most recently the kids had some kind of gastro or stomach bug… I’ll spare you the details.

I work two jobs and my DH has a health condition that leaves him unavailable to me and solo-parenting at times. It’s all feeling like a lot and I need some hope that easier days may be ahead.

Is there any way he can help more? If it's genuinely not possible could you go to stay with your parents for a little or have them to stay with you?

I don't have any advice. We're barely surviving the toddler and baby stage too . We have help but it still looks like a hot mess (our jobs are partially to blame here). One thing I've realized lately is I took on as much as I could possibly handle till I quite litterally broke (herniated a disc in my back from long term strain) and now I cant even pick the baby up any more. Oddly I am suddenly getting more help (from my husband especially). My mother said that I would learn to be less willing to sacrifice myself for others as a survival tactic. I guess it is back to the drawing board, but I'll have to find a strategy that relies more on asking others to help. Or not accepting their unavailability. The other way just didn't work.

 

[Snowdrop13]

Well, I worked full time while my kids were small. It was a rollercoaster but we had lots of fun. Things definitely got better when they were out of nappies and could go to nursery then school.

My top tips are similar to what’s been said already. We had a weekly cleaner who also did ironing (some of my friends who were working in a similar way employed someone who would start dinners and do washing) and a gardener. Organisation is key- make a weekly meal plan and have a regular grocery delivery. Treats are important- we went out as a family every Saturday, a trip to the local zoo/botanic garden/science museum (we had memberships to some of these which were great value for regular visits) followed by a meal out (usually pizza!).

I take on board some of @seaurchin’s comments but I am just glad we have some extra money to help our kids with education and home ownership!

Also, I hate to be a pessimist but just wait until they hit their teens……..whole lots of other things to worry about!

 

[icy_jade]

It was hard. Before my daughter turned 2, I felt rather crazy most of the time, partly depressed and regularly stressed. That’s with both kids in childcare, and domestic help at home. I felt like I never had an off time you know? Being mum in the morning, then off to work, and then mum in the evening through early morning feeds etc.

Key turning points when I felt incrementally happier:
- For my first kid, when I finally caved and got domestic help which I had resisted for months.
- A milk maker/machine and finally stopping breastfeeding helped too (after much wrestling with mum guilt over not breastfeeding longer).
- For my second kid, when she finally slept through the night ie more than 6 hours at a stretch when she was 2-plus yo. I felt a large part of my general unhappiness was due to constant sleep deprivation when she woke every 2/3 hours up to 2-plus yo.
- They just stop getting sick so often when they turn 3-4 yo.

I also learnt not to be too hard on myself. Women who have it all (successful careers and seemingly perfect families)? Sure they do exist with their glossy facades on FB, IG and news but maybe they have super supportive families who helps out, nannies, whatever. Perhaps they feel crazy half the time too, who knows, but learning not to expect myself to be the same and just to be realistic about what I can achieve helped a lot. SAHMs with their super well groomed kids who attend a bazillion enrichment classes? Yup, not possible when I’m a working mum and if the kids are happy then that’s fine.

Oh and delegating stuff to my husband helped. Specific things like diaper changes are his responsibility. Can I do them? Yes but I don’t since I do other stuff (like breastfeeding the baby, pumping milk at work, night feeds, etc). If I do everything it drives me nuts and makes me unhappy so he pulls his weight and it’s more balanced in terms of stuff at home (yeah he works but so do I). Consistent specific tasks so that I don’t have to give instructions each time the baby poops or whatever.

Hang in there! It does become much easier and then suddenly they are bigger and you start to miss their baby smell and soft baby hugs.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

One more thought about grandparents. It *is* important to give both parties the opportunity to create a strong bond.


However, you say they're 4 hours away. It's exhausting to go there.

This is not a one way street. Both parties, if they are interested, need to make an effort.
Maybe be clearer in your communication that you NEED help atm from your end & a little more effort in this specific time at their end.

If they are truly not interested in stepping in more that's sad, but ultimately you cannot change that. But you can, without bitterness, act accordingly then and not make regular visits yet another to do for you that costs you even more energy.

 

[AprilBaby]

What got me through 4 small children? I started at 23 and was done at 31. Youth.

 

[Rockdiamond]

Written as an “Old Dad”…. I was 52 when my youngest was born….and Lauren was already 25 so I had the perspective of a dad.
With my younger boys, I kept this thought in mind every time I stepped on a Lego…… “in no time at all, I’ll think back longingly at those days/years.”
I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time…. But hopefully you’ll look back on it fondly one day.
The longest shortest time.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,
My thinking is that you are doing too much. I'm even a bit worried about you. I know women like to think they can do everything, but your psychic well-being and your physical well being are showing fraying at the edges. Please, get a cleaner. have your husband get up with the children on Sat or Sunday so you can sleep in. Lose a job for now. When they get older you can go back.
Each situation you are in is hard, but you are taking on the world. Listen to Seaurchin. Please slow down to smell the roses.
If there is a college near you, students are looking for work. Seniors like kids. I used to have a senior couple do my babysitting when my kids were young. My kids liked them.
Lessen your load, my dear. You will be happier and not so stressed.

Annette

 

[cvalier26]

I partly raised my younger brother, and I would say : develop plenty of curiosity and hobbies => send them off to play as soon as you can !
As a bonus : make them enjoy cooking

 

[Ally T]

Heaps of excellent advice here. One thing that always stuck with me that a neighbour & mother of 4 children said, was that you cannot be all things to all people. Look after YOU.

I had 2 children under 2 & my husband could be away with work for 2 weeks at a time on a regular basis. It was tough. But that little nugget stuck with me through the baby years. And in the blink of an eye, they were suddenly 11 & 12. I miss those little hands that made dirty marks on my white walls. Now they just leave dirty clothes all over their rooms

 

[diamondyes]

Thank you everyone. I am going to seriously consider quitting one of my jobs. I am only working 35 hours a week, both jobs are part time, but it is feeling like too much.

I want to enjoy my kids’ childhood!!!

 

[Elizabeth35]

It will get easier but it is unfortunate that you are so overwhelmed that you can't find the joy of your kids at this age. That is sad.
Not sure what your husband's health issue is---is there any hope that he will be co-parenting with you soon? Is there not anything that he CAN do to contribute? That is probably a main contributor to your being overwhelmed. You feel like you are in it alone.
I know folks are saying hire help and all--but I know that when my kids were young I could not afford to hire help. Do you have friends/neighbors in the area? Maybe someone that you could trade child care with?
And it is critical that you build in some time off and get enough rest. Sleep deprivation is a huge issue when kids are young.

 

[MMtwo]

I remember those days. My son is now 30 and darling daughter is now 28.

I thought I was losing my mind back then. I didn't have "high participation" from the kid's dad and I worked full time. I had a low wage job in sales at the time and it was all I could do to keep up. I look back and wish I had been a better mom. It wasn't that I didn't care, I just didn't have the bandwidth sometimes.

Whooping cough, autism, car accident, band camp, poverty, job changes, divorce, dating, remarriage... It never "stopped" being a new challenge. I had to let go of what I thought it would look like and embrace what it was.

Like in a video game when every few weeks I would face another boss. I am saying I sympathize so much. But, I made it through. With every round you build stamina, wisdom and resilience. My kids are good people who love me and forgive my short comings as a mom. Darling daughter has a solid career. Son is doing okay. I have a strong marriage and lots of wrinkles. Oh my gosh, they're okay! Thank you, Universe.

One day at a time. Do the best you can. Try to do the best for you and the kids. I don't have any magic words, but really all too quickly they will be grown. It will get better. Take care of yourself as you can. You may not be perfect but you can be tenacious.

 

[mom2dolls]

You are doing a great job!! It is the hardest, most exhausting and the very best job in the world. You have gotten wonderful advice above. Give yourself grace.

 

[diamondyes]

I remember those days. My son is now 30 and darling daughter is now 28.

I thought I was losing my mind back then. I didn't have "high participation" from the kid's dad and I worked full time. I had a low wage job in sales at the time and it was all I could do to keep up. I look back and wish I had been a better mom. It wasn't that I didn't care, I just didn't have the bandwidth sometimes.

Whooping cough, autism, car accident, band camp, poverty, job changes, divorce, dating, remarriage... It never "stopped" being a new challenge. I had to let go of what I thought it would look like and embrace what it was.

Like in a video game when every few weeks I would face another boss. I am saying I sympathize so much. But, I made it through. With every round you build stamina, wisdom and resilience. My kids are good people who love me and forgive my short comings as a mom. Darling daughter has a solid career. Son is doing okay. I have a strong marriage and lots of wrinkles. Oh my gosh, they're okay! Thank you, Universe.

One day at a time. Do the best you can. Try to do the best for you and the kids. I don't have any magic words, but really all too quickly they will be grown. It will get better. Take care of yourself as you can. You may not be perfect but you can be tenacious.

It’s like you’re a kind fairy godmother or a ghost from Christmas future, come to give me a warm hug and a cup of tea, telling me everything is going to be ok. Your words were a balm for my heart. Thank you for taking the time to share this. I keep rereading it.