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Tell me what made you decide to get divorced

D

diamondyes

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 16, 2020
Messages
1,743
I know some of you are on your second marriages, which I think is beautiful and a testament to your bravery- to risk finding greater happiness for yourself! Kudos!

Would you mind sharing your journey? I’d love to hear it.
 
I’m a two-time marital dropout. Marriage just isn’t for me, and I knew that by the time I was about 16. Twice, I let societal conditioning sort of warp my mind into giving FAR too much weight to other people’s opinions. I felt like “less” if I wasn’t married and then remarried after my first divorce. Lessons learned, and I am happily and voluntarily single for the last 3 years.

I’m going to be diplomatic and leave it at that.
 
monarch64 said:
I’m a two-time marital dropout. Marriage just isn’t for me, and I knew that by the time I was about 16. Twice, I let societal conditioning sort of warp my mind into giving FAR too much weight to other people’s opinions. I felt like “less” if I wasn’t married and then remarried after my first divorce. Lessons learned, and I am happily and voluntarily single for the last 3 years.

I’m going to be diplomatic and leave it at that.
Click to expand...

Thank you for sharing that, and for helping fight the stigma that being unmarried makes you “less”! Anytime I meet a single woman, I think WOW, there’s a gal standing on her own two feet.
 
I know you are asking for divorce reasons but if it is OK I am sharing my perspective because I too used to think marriage was not for me. It took me a long time to realize, that for me, it wasn't that marriage that was the issue but rather being with the right person. My experience only. I really never thought I was a good candidate for marriage and never had the typical dream of marrying my dream guy in a dream wedding. Nope that was not my dream growing up. I knew, from a very young age, I never wanted to marry. And that was/is OK. Luckily my family never pressured me in the slightest. They just wanted me to be happy. However, somehow, I met my soul mate and it only took five years to realize I wanted to marry him lol. It took him far less time but fortunately he was VERY patient.

Personally I think there is someone for everyone but it doesn't necessarily have to end in marriage to be a successful relationship. In fact not everyone is cut out for marriage or should marry. But I do think regardless of whether one makes it official or not, there is someone for everyone. Just have to find your match and partner in crime so to speak. And yeah sometimes it takes more than one try. Though I have never been divorced I would never stay in a unhappy relationship. I value myself too much to do that. I would rather be alone than in a relationship where I did not love and respect my partner and vice versa.

IMO divorce is NOT a tragedy but staying in an unhappy marriage is.
 
The passion went cold, we grew apart and started to do our own things in our spare times.

I then met someone else who provided me with the missing fireworks in life, and that was it.

DK :(2
 
My first husband in the end admitted he didn’t want children. During the years preceding this admission it had been “we need to cement our careers, we need to buy a house, we need more money in savings”. What hurt the most was his statement that he just assumed that I would “get over it”.
Needless to say at 39 I divorced him and assumed that I would be a single lady with a great career!
My second husband I met at work, different section and floor but we got chatting at a work social. For a few months there were quite a few “group outings” with other people from work, like meeting up for lunch or grabbing a drink after work. He then asked me out on a date.
A date!?
I told him that I was no longer interested in dating, if a guy wanted to take me out that would count as a marriage proposal and “we” would be trying for a baby at the outset.
So there, I thought, that will send him running in the other direction at 100 miles an hour.
Well, that was 22 years ago now and yes DD is 21.
 
monarch64 said:
I’m a two-time marital dropout. Marriage just isn’t for me, and I knew that by the time I was about 16. Twice, I let societal conditioning sort of warp my mind into giving FAR too much weight to other people’s opinions. I felt like “less” if I wasn’t married and then remarried after my first divorce. Lessons learned, and I am happily and voluntarily single for the last 3 years.

I’m going to be diplomatic and leave it at that.
Click to expand...

Sometimes
missy said:
I know you are asking for divorce reasons but if it is OK I am sharing my perspective because I too used to think marriage was not for me. It took me a long time to realize, that for me, it wasn't that marriage that was the issue but rather being with the right person. My experience only. I really never thought I was a good candidate for marriage and never had the typical dream of marrying my dream guy in a dream wedding. Nope that was not my dream growing up. I knew, from a very young age, I never wanted to marry. And that was/is OK. Luckily my family never pressured me in the slightest. They just wanted me to be happy. However, somehow, I met my soul mate and it only took five years to realize I wanted to marry him lol. It took him far less time but fortunately he was VERY patient.

Personally I think there is someone for everyone but it doesn't necessarily have to end in marriage to be a successful relationship. In fact not everyone is cut out for marriage or should marry. But I do think regardless of whether one makes it official or not, there is someone for everyone. Just have to find your match and partner in crime so to speak. And yeah sometimes it takes more than one try. Though I have never been divorced I would never stay in a unhappy relationship. I value myself too much to do that. I would rather be alone than in a relationship where I did not love and respect my partner and vice versa.

IMO divorce is NOT a tragedy but staying in an unhappy marriage is.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for sharing,Missy. I read appreciate your wisdom. As you can tell, I’m in a tough spot. I crave independence and to be alone instead of lonely… but to untangle my life from another at this point would cause a lot of drama and I’m not sure I’m up for that. Much easier to coast along instead.

I appreciate PS as a safe space full of intelligent and kind people- it’s a much-needed pressure release valve for me.
 
dk168 said:
The passion went cold, we grew apart and started to do our own things in our spare times.

I then met someone else who provided me with the missing fireworks in life, and that was it.

DK :(2
Click to expand...

If I recall correctly, you do not have children- so while it must’ve still been very hard, it sounds cleaner.

I’m so glad you found some fireworks in life!
 
Bron357 said:
My first husband in the end admitted he didn’t want children. During the years preceding this admission it had been “we need to cement our careers, we need to buy a house, we need more money in savings”. What hurt the most was his statement that he just assumed that I would “get over it”.
Needless to say at 39 I divorced him and assumed that I would be a single lady with a great career!
My second husband I met at work, different section and floor but we got chatting at a work social. For a few months there were quite a few “group outings” with other people from work, like meeting up for lunch or grabbing a drink after work. He then asked me out on a date.
A date!?
I told him that I was no longer interested in dating, if a guy wanted to take me out that would count as a marriage proposal and “we” would be trying for a baby at the outset.
So there, I thought, that will send him running in the other direction at 100 miles an hour.
Well, that was 22 years ago now and yes DD is 21.
Click to expand...

This sounds like the plot or a rom com movie. I love it!
 
My husband and I almost got divorced once, years ago. Looking back, I think we grew apart because we were trying so hard to raise kids, build wealth etc. that we just put each other on the back burner. The mutual neglect eventually turned into not being able to stand each other.

We went to marriage counseling and got back on track and I'm so glad we did. Now the kids are grown and we're best buds. I cringe to think of what I almost lost and the loss our kids would have had too. But that's just my particular situation, of course.
 
I fell in love with someone else. I realized that happily married people do not allow themselves to contemplate other options. But when my thoughts kept wondering what if… I knew that I had to be honest.
I should add that he and I were high school sweethearts and that the signs to not marry him were always there. He had broken my heart a year into our relationship, then I broke his a year later. But bc of social pressure, poverty, co-dependence and the fact that we wore both children of abuse, we erred in thinking we were each other’s salvation and got married.
 
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I am on that path right now with 0 regrets. Our interests no longer intersect and I am fed up with the lack of respect and responsibility, amongst other things. We both agreed to finalize this once the children are done with school, which is around 2 more years. In the meantime, we are living our lives separately but under the same roof.
 
monarch64 said:
I’m a two-time marital dropout. Marriage just isn’t for me, and I knew that by the time I was about 16. Twice, I let societal conditioning sort of warp my mind into giving FAR too much weight to other people’s opinions. I felt like “less” if I wasn’t married and then remarried after my first divorce. Lessons learned, and I am happily and voluntarily single for the last 3 years.

I’m going to be diplomatic and leave it at that.
Click to expand...

This pretty much sums up my marital situation. I'm much happier single.
 
seaurchin said:
My husband and I almost got divorced once, years ago. Looking back, I think we grew apart because we were trying so hard to raise kids, build wealth etc. that we just put each other on the back burner. The mutual neglect eventually turned into not being able to stand each other.

We went to marriage counseling and got back on track and I'm so glad we did. Now the kids are grown and we're best buds. I cringe to think of what I almost lost and the loss our kids would have had too. But that's just my particular situation, of course.
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Can you recall what worked so well about counselling for you two?
 
nala said:
I fell in love with someone else. I realized that happily married people do not allow themselves to contemplate other options. But when my thoughts kept wondering what if… I knew that I had to be honest.
I should add that he and I were high school sweethearts and that the signs to not marry him were always there. He had broken my heart a year into our relationship, then I broke his a year later. But bc of social pressure, poverty, co-dependence and the fact that we wore both children of abuse, we erred in thinking we were each other’s salvation and got married.
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Thank you for sharing that! It must’ve taken so much courage. It can be so hard to rebuild trust once broken.

Best wishes for you and the love you have now!
 
chrono said:
I am on that path right now with 0 regrets. Our interests no longer intersect and I am fed up with the lack of respect and responsibility, amongst other things. We both agreed to finalize this once the children are done with school, which is around 2 more years. In the meantime, we are living our lives separately but under the same roof.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for sharing this.

I can imagine it must’ve been such a hard decision but I hope the new path brings you peace and joy!

May I ask if you’d been feeling this way for a long time?
 
Lookinagain said:
This pretty much sums up my marital situation. I'm much happier single.
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Tell me more! What do you love about it? And what are the downsides (if any)?

I was bffs with my grandmother who lived about 15 years without her late husband. Her life seemed pretty legit to me. I was lucky to be so close with such a strong and independent female figure. She had such a rich life.
 
diamondyes said:
Tell me more! What do you love about it? And what are the downsides (if any)?

I was bffs with my grandmother who lived about 15 years without her late husband. Her life seemed pretty legit to me. I was lucky to be so close with such a strong and independent female figure. She had such a rich life.
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Well, I've always been very independent and not great at consulting anyone else for agreement, permission, or whatever you call it, it my personal life, be it financial decisions, or other types. I always wanted to make sure I could take care of myself. I've been divorced for 30+ years and although I've had subsequent longer term relationships, in the end, I just didn't want to live with anyone anymore (other than my daughter). I am not someone who needs a lot of company. For me the only downside would be not having a travel companion, but I do travel a lot as I have friends (singles as well as a married couple) whom I've been travelling with for years. I guess it would be nice to have someone who was handy with household repairs, but I can hire someone for that, and then they leave =)2
 
Lookinagain said:
Well, I've always been very independent and not great at consulting anyone else for agreement, permission, or whatever you call it, it my personal life, be it financial decisions, or other types. I always wanted to make sure I could take care of myself. I've been divorced for 30+ years and although I've had subsequent longer term relationships, in the end, I just didn't want to live with anyone anymore (other than my daughter). I am not someone who needs a lot of company. For me the only downside would be not having a travel companion, but I do travel a lot as I have friends (singles as well as a married couple) whom I've been travelling with for years. I guess it would be nice to have someone who was handy with household repairs, but I can hire someone for that, and then they leave =)2
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And you don’t have to nag them! (For the repairs haha)

Yeah that seems like a fair description of things! Thanks for sharing.

I can tell you from experience that a partner doesn’t guarantee you’ll have a travel companion >.< lol
 
diamondyes said:
May I ask if you’d been feeling this way for a long time?
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Yes, I have been "coasting along" as they say for the last 10 years or so because status quo was the easy way to not rock the boat. I don't know whether I would do the same if I were not financially independent.
 
diamondyes said:
If I recall correctly, you do not have children- so while it must’ve still been very hard, it sounds cleaner.

I’m so glad you found some fireworks in life!
Click to expand...

Thanks, I did have fireworks for 4 years before my late partner died following an accident, hey ho!

I kept my name too as I did not see the point in taking my then husband's name.

My ex-hubby has a big and generous heart, which made the processes involved a lot less stressful.

DK :))
 
It's probably different for a lot of people, and not always a choice for one of the members of the couple. I will say, from experience, that if one member of the relationship is looking elsewhere and/or feels trapped (and we all do sometimes, but I'm referring to that feeling of quiet desperation), life can be awful for both people. At that point, it's better to let the other person to go on their way.

Divorce for me was very painful. It was the death of shared dreams, of an imagined future, and in my case, of a friendship that I cherished (though some people manage to remain friends). It was also painful because I looked back at my marriage and realized that all that I had convinced myself that I had through my relationship, I actually didn't. That realization hit like a ton of bricks, but it taught me that the things I had feared (loneliness, too many responsibilities to face alone, financial insecurity) and that led me to stay with my ex through anything and everything were already things I was living through while married. I was already facing my worst fears and I just was not able to see it clearly.

And, so, I've been much better off, despite the hurt and the fear, and while it takes some time to readjust, the horizon seems much more open and filled with possibilities. There's also something incredibly freeing about being able to face the truth of where you are and where you've been.
 
I never should have married him, to begin with. I did not ever ever ever want our daughter to feel the misery that I felt--if I stayed that would be her model of what marriage is and how she should be treated as a wife and mother.
 
DH has the horror story end to his previous marriage. They never were very close. Separate bedrooms, separate meals, separate vacations... She lived her life and he lived his. He was hesitant to make any changes because you always hope things will get better or, at least, to keep the kid from going through divorce of parents. She had other ideas. Without telling him, she took out a massive line of credit on the house they lived in and hired an attorney. Then she made accusations of child abuse against him at her sister's recommendation as a way to ensure she got sole custody. (The sister told me this some years later.) As soon as the line of credit came through, she took a couple of days off of work without telling him and worked with an attorney to draw up divorce paperwork and protection orders. Then called the police that last afternoon so they would be there waiting when he got home. It didn't quite work as planned as a friend let him know what was going on. He wasn't arrested, but she did file a protection order as soon as the courts opened the next morning along with divorce paperwork. She got her emergency custody and everything else she wanted. He went into divorce mediation with barely more than the clothes on his back and his two 100,000+ mile cars. He left with 50/50 time with his daughter and a huge child support bill to pay but nothing else.

Anyway, that is just to say to be careful with the coasting because sometimes the other party decides they are done coasting and can plan some very underhanded things to make sure they get the most possible out of the divorce.
 
PastryGirl said:
I never should have married him, to begin with. I did not ever ever ever want our daughter to feel the misery that I felt--if I stayed that would be her model of what marriage is and how she should be treated as a wife and mother.
Click to expand...

I know a few women who have shared this same reason. Good for you.
 
Got divorced because i was tired of feeling unloved, un-desired, and like I came after other things. I was very dependent on him for a feeling of security and "safety" (abuse history). I adored him more than words, and thought I'd never ever leave. He always said the right things, but his actions didn't match his words, so I stayed longer than I should have. But somehow between time, therapy, and more maturity, I realized I just didn't have to put up with it anymore.

I also realized that in a lot of ways i was already alone since I took care of the house, bills, appointments, and pretty much everything. He was FINALLY willing to try anything at the end, but in my book it shouldn't take a spouse saying that separation is necessary in order to actually start making efforts to meet their needs.

Part of me still wishes he had been able to love me the way I needed, or that he would have been honest and told me he couldn't. I will always love him, and I expect part of me will always miss him. But a big realization I had was that you can love someone and still need to leave bc you refuse to put up with their bull#&%t. Loving someone doesn't mean staying with them, especially if they've proven over and over that they aren't willing to put in the necessary work until it's too late.

My current partner is a TRUE partner in every sense of the word. We work on building our shared vision of a life as a team. It's not perfect (nothing is), but we both try every day to be the best versions of ourselves and bring that to the relationship. I honestly feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who wants to WORK to build a life together.
 
Mine cheated with my identical twin sister . Ya, I wish I was kidding . unfortunately I haven’t seen either of them since, but I’ve made peace with that .
 
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