Tell me what made you decide to get divorced

[jewels4life]

how utterly awful that you had to go through that. I can't imagine.

Thank you it pretty much devastated me . I don’t have a clue how I made it past that because they were all that I had . I have no other family . I’m one tough cookie I guess .

 

[Spring Day]

Filing for divorce was the best decision I ever made. My ex was a narcissist and psychopath. I can't say many details just in case he comes upon this. He is still trying to contact me and find me after 10 years since the divorce.

My ex would cheat on me then gaslight me into thinking I was crazy and in the end I would be the one begging him not to kick me out and then thank him for forgiving me for thinking he was cheating. Before I married him, I was strong and independent. But during the marriage he brainwashed me. Made me think that I could not live my life without him.

Before we got married, I never knew he was a drug addict. His drug of choice was meth. He was a functioning drug addict and since I had no experience with recreational drugs, I just thought we were having a bump in the road as husband and wife. He would try to quit smoking meth but during those times, he would either be drunk or on cocaine. I did not know about his drug addiction until about 3-4 years into the marriage.

He would rape me on multiple occasions. I would tell him no and he would force himself on me while I fought him. In the end, I stopped fighting and would just lay there. He said he is my husband so sex is his right.

He would steal money from my wallet, open up credit cards in my name and max them out. In the last year of our marriage, he would not let me see my friends or family. He would sit in the parking lot of my work and watch me or check to see I was where I said I was. Then when I got home, he would make me tell him every single thing that happened and every encounter and conversation I had. He would also accuse me of sleeping with my coworkers. I was not allowed to have a passcode on my phone for easier access for him to go through my phone at the end of the day. When I went to the restroom, I was not allowed to bring my phone unless I kept the door open and he watched me to make sure I was not calling or texting my friends or family. He set up secret video cameras when he would have to work and I had the day off so that he knew I did not go anywhere and that I did not have any of my friends or family at our house.

When I got up the courage and tried to leave, he would threaten me with my dogs. My two dogs were the only companions I had during my marriage. They were the best thing that ever happened to me and he knew that I loved them more than anything. So to make me stay, he would use my dogs against me. I finally secretly set into motion of escaping this hellhole of a marriage. I registered both my dogs into my name and out of his, I was able to move my most prized possessions little by little to my parents', and was able to find a divorce lawyer.

About two weeks after I filed for divorce, he told me that he had to find a roommate to help pay the rent because I chose to ruin our marriage. Come to find out, he was moving in his long time GF. Even so, he continued to harass me and threaten me. I had to file for a restraining order because of the phone calls, the texts, and constant stalking.

He love bombed me in the beginning. Was charming and funny. He knew all the right things to say and do. He swept me off my feet. That changed when we got married. I was married for almost 10 years and mentally abused for all of it.

Wow, this got very long but I haven't even scratched the surface...

 

[Lookinagain]

Thank you it pretty much devastated me . I don’t have a clue how I made it past that because they were all that I had . I have no other family . I’m one tough cookie I guess .

I'm so sorry. Seems like the ultimate betrayal. You are indeed one tough cookie and now you know you can get through anything.

 

[jewels4life]

I'm so sorry. Seems like the ultimate betrayal. You are indeed one tough cookie and now you know you can get through anything.

Thanks Lookinagain for the kind words

 

[Lookinagain]

My ex would cheat on me then gaslight me into thinking I was crazy a

I think this is what sociopaths do. They make the sane people think that they are crazy. I know it happened to me once until I finally figured it out.

 

[telephone89]

Filing for divorce was the best decision I ever made. My ex was a narcissist and psychopath. I can't say many details just in case he comes upon this. He is still trying to contact me and find me after 10 years since the divorce.

My ex would cheat on me then gaslight me into thinking I was crazy and in the end I would be the one begging him not to kick me out and then thank him for forgiving me for thinking he was cheating. Before I married him, I was strong and independent. But during the marriage he brainwashed me. Made me think that I could not live my life without him.

Before we got married, I never knew he was a drug addict. His drug of choice was meth. He was a functioning drug addict and since I had no experience with recreational drugs, I just thought we were having a bump in the road as husband and wife. He would try to quit smoking meth but during those times, he would either be drunk or on cocaine. I did not know about his drug addiction until about 3-4 years into the marriage.

He would rape me on multiple occasions. I would tell him no and he would force himself on me while I fought him. In the end, I stopped fighting and would just lay there. He said he is my husband so sex is his right.

He would steal money from my wallet, open up credit cards in my name and max them out. In the last year of our marriage, he would not let me see my friends or family. He would sit in the parking lot of my work and watch me or check to see I was where I said I was. Then when I got home, he would make me tell him every single thing that happened and every encounter and conversation I had. He would also accuse me of sleeping with my coworkers. I was not allowed to have a passcode on my phone for easier access for him to go through my phone at the end of the day. When I went to the restroom, I was not allowed to bring my phone unless I kept the door open and he watched me to make sure I was not calling or texting my friends or family. He set up secret video cameras when he would have to work and I had the day off so that he knew I did not go anywhere and that I did not have any of my friends or family at our house.

When I got up the courage and tried to leave, he would threaten me with my dogs. My two dogs were the only companions I had during my marriage. They were the best thing that ever happened to me and he knew that I loved them more than anything. So to make me stay, he would use my dogs against me. I finally secretly set into motion of escaping this hellhole of a marriage. I registered both my dogs into my name and out of his, I was able to move my most prized possessions little by little to my parents', and was able to find a divorce lawyer.

About two weeks after I filed for divorce, he told me that he had to find a roommate to help pay the rent because I chose to ruin our marriage. Come to find out, he was moving in his long time GF. Even so, he continued to harass me and threaten me. I had to file for a restraining order because of the phone calls, the texts, and constant stalking.

He love bombed me in the beginning. Was charming and funny. He knew all the right things to say and do. He swept me off my feet. That changed when we got married. I was married for almost 10 years and mentally abused for all of it.

Wow, this got very long but I haven't even scratched the surface...

Wow.
I'm so glad you found the courage to leave. When you are that deep in it's so hard to see the [living] way out. I know your dogs and parents are so so so thrilled to be rid of that monster.

 

[maru8888777]

Filing for divorce was the best decision I ever made. My ex was a narcissist and psychopath. I can't say many details just in case he comes upon this. He is still trying to contact me and find me after 10 years since the divorce.

I'm also very glad that you were able to leave and that you and your animals are safe.(He still tries to contact you? The nerve!)

Breaking up a long-term relationship can be so difficult: in some cases because it can be dangerous (as in the story above), but, even in marriages that don't have overt violence, leaving can be a hard decision. At least until a couple years ago, statistically, women filed for divorce more often than men (when it comes to straight couples), though they often pay hefty financial and social consequences. If that data still holds, I can't help but conclude that often (not always) marriage can be even more punishing than the terrible fallout from divorce for many women. Statistically, men also report higher satisfaction rates and have longer lifespans when married, whereas women who live with other women (like nuns do, for instance) live longer.

This doesn't mean that men can't be in abusive or unsatisfactory marriages. I would, in fact, imagine that men who are abused by their female partners (or people who are abused in same-sex relationships) find telling their story very difficult... it must be incredibly isolating. And, in the same way that sometimes the member of the couple who doesn't work is hesitant to leave for financial reasons, there might also be a member of the couple who doesn't know how to do the practical stuff around the house or be alone with children/take care of them. How those tasks/knowledge are divided are typically gendered, but of course there are exceptions and things are changing.

In response to the OP's original query, I think in some cases there are loud, explosive, inevitable breakups. But often, they are slow and painful, and drawn out for way too long. And, in other cases, there are reconciliations. My therapist always says that if you are looking to stay together, try a couple's therapist (there's no guarantee, but at least there's a stated goal: reconciliation). An individual therapist might help you figure out what is right for you, which sometimes includes leaving the marriage.

 

[PastryGirl]

Filing for divorce was the best decision I ever made. My ex was a narcissist and psychopath. I can't say many details just in case he comes upon this. He is still trying to contact me and find me after 10 years since the divorce.

My ex would cheat on me then gaslight me into thinking I was crazy and in the end I would be the one begging him not to kick me out and then thank him for forgiving me for thinking he was cheating. Before I married him, I was strong and independent. But during the marriage he brainwashed me. Made me think that I could not live my life without him.

Before we got married, I never knew he was a drug addict. His drug of choice was meth. He was a functioning drug addict and since I had no experience with recreational drugs, I just thought we were having a bump in the road as husband and wife. He would try to quit smoking meth but during those times, he would either be drunk or on cocaine. I did not know about his drug addiction until about 3-4 years into the marriage.

He would rape me on multiple occasions. I would tell him no and he would force himself on me while I fought him. In the end, I stopped fighting and would just lay there. He said he is my husband so sex is his right.

He would steal money from my wallet, open up credit cards in my name and max them out. In the last year of our marriage, he would not let me see my friends or family. He would sit in the parking lot of my work and watch me or check to see I was where I said I was. Then when I got home, he would make me tell him every single thing that happened and every encounter and conversation I had. He would also accuse me of sleeping with my coworkers. I was not allowed to have a passcode on my phone for easier access for him to go through my phone at the end of the day. When I went to the restroom, I was not allowed to bring my phone unless I kept the door open and he watched me to make sure I was not calling or texting my friends or family. He set up secret video cameras when he would have to work and I had the day off so that he knew I did not go anywhere and that I did not have any of my friends or family at our house.

When I got up the courage and tried to leave, he would threaten me with my dogs. My two dogs were the only companions I had during my marriage. They were the best thing that ever happened to me and he knew that I loved them more than anything. So to make me stay, he would use my dogs against me. I finally secretly set into motion of escaping this hellhole of a marriage. I registered both my dogs into my name and out of his, I was able to move my most prized possessions little by little to my parents', and was able to find a divorce lawyer.

About two weeks after I filed for divorce, he told me that he had to find a roommate to help pay the rent because I chose to ruin our marriage. Come to find out, he was moving in his long time GF. Even so, he continued to harass me and threaten me. I had to file for a restraining order because of the phone calls, the texts, and constant stalking.

He love bombed me in the beginning. Was charming and funny. He knew all the right things to say and do. He swept me off my feet. That changed when we got married. I was married for almost 10 years and mentally abused for all of it.

Wow, this got very long but I haven't even scratched the surface...

Oh boy. Meth is... well I don't even know what word is right for meth addiction. My ex had a meth addiction too. The addiction happened when I got married again as a response to me getting married again. I was told by him and others that it was my fault since I broke up our family. While we were married he would gaslight me, cheat with men (and maybe women,) kick me out of the house, threaten to take away our daughter, not come home for days and when he did come home be drunk AF. I wasn't allowed to lock the bathroom door, he would go through my phone and wake me up at 3 am by pulling me out of the bed feet first. I'd be subjected to hours-long in my face screaming interrogations

He lied to our therapist about many things and since I was so much younger I looked like some kind of troublemaker. He lied about hitting our daughter who was 3 at the time so hard it left marks. He said I made it up and the therapist believed him. Anything said in therapy was used against me.

When we were in family court he did the same. I insisted he was using meth and was threatened to be put in jail if I did not permit unsupervised visits with our (then) 8-year-old. After a year of this shit the idiot referee finally *asked* him if he would be willing to take a drug test, he said sure because he'd never used drugs. Well, guess what he tested positive for meth in court that day. And we finally got his medical records that proved long-term meth use and involuntary hospitalization due to it, which I kept saying happened over and over.

Leaving him = THE BEST. We married in Dec. 2009, I filed for divorce October 2012. Finalized March 2013. I had to lie to get him to sign and I do not care, this was about survival!

 

[luckygreen317]

Thank you for starting this thread and to everyone that has shared their journey. Marriage only works for me because I am with the right person.

I married the first time young. Although we stayed together almost 16 years and had a son, our needs and wants grew apart. Although it took him having an affair to make the marriage implode, it pushed me to put myself first. I have always been very independent and he was looking for someone to mother him. I financially supported us while he changed careers, handled all the bills, etc. The dynamic initially worked but we both changed and grew. It was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through but I look back and realize how much it pushed me to grow and find my independence again. My son, who was 5 at the time of the divorce, was really affected by it. My ex is a very good dad and we still live 5 minutes from each other.

I feel blessed to have met the last husband. (I don’t call him the 2nd one because if this ends up not working I am out of the marriage game.) We were both looking for a partnership; we are the same age and in a similar economic standing. We met on Match and I was impressed he wanted to meet a woman his age. Within the first 5 minutes of meeting, he made me laugh about something only someone our age would get. I have been laughing every day since, going on 9 years. He is supportive, respectful, appreciative, charming and funny and of course handsome to me. I am very lucky.

Once we knew were serious, I was the one that wanted marriage. He had 2 short-term failed marriages and kept explaining the financial benefit of not getting married. Looking back, we could have gone through the ceremony and have skipped the license. But there is something about legally calling him husband.

 

[diamondyes]

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate all that you shared.

If any books helped you I’d love to know the titles.

 

[samranmal]

My ex cheated. There were things in the marriage besides the cheating that I was able to deal with prior to the affair (his depressive disorder, not keeping a steady job, financial irresponsibility), but once the affair happened it made it so those things were no longer tolerable. I think I could have worked through the affair if there weren’t all those other issues as well. I also found out about some closeted alcoholism, etc when we attempted counseling. We divorced when my son was a baby. He is 12 now and I am still happily single. I’ve thought about dating at times, but don’t see how it fits in with a career and being the full time parent 99.5% of the time.

I don’t have book recommendations, but did find online forums and just hearing other people’s stories helped me work through the initial pain. In my experience it is a year of grieving. Almost like a death and then a year of rebuilding who you are again as a single individual. Most people I know agree that it was same 2 year process for them to feel fully healed and authentic selves again.

 

[oceanblue]

For some reason I got an email alert for this thread. Good timing.

I joined this group after 20 years of marriage. Redid my wedding ring and bought a beautiful twenty year anniversary ring. It was not enough, haha.

We are not divorced just separated but it is enough to know I never want to live with him again. We grew apart, nothing he has to say interests me and vise-versa. I see older couples in restaurants just sitting together with nothing to say....I would rather be alone than sitting with someone who does not interest me.

We have kids and a lot of loose ends to figure out but in the end I know I will be happier (I hope).

 

[OreoRosies86]

He didn’t “get” me. My sense of humor, what makes me tick, my interests, all the little things that make me myself. He didn’t make me laugh, I didn’t make him laugh, and we really had nothing in common. Ever. We both just wanted to be married and have kids. I was really young and I thought that was enough to make a marriage work. I still remember the exact moment I knew I wanted a divorce, and it took another 4 years to finally work up the courage to say “I don’t love you anymore and I want a divorce.” It was awful, and long, and expensive. And the decade before that was a long slog just getting by day to day, always broke, constantly fighting.

I am engaged now and marrying in 6 months for the second time. It’s absolutely a soul mate/best friend relationship. I feel very lucky. When we do marry it will have been 6 years of enjoying life together. Not just getting through life, really feeling hope and peace. Frankly I’m too old to be struggling for a relationship ever again.

 

[monarch64]

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate all that you shared.

If any books helped you I’d love to know the titles.

This is helpful to those considering marriage as well as those divorcing or ending relationships:

The Gottman Four Horsemen

Identify Gottman Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions, eliminate them and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns.

www.gottman.com

There is a book version; I believe the blog post links to it.

 

[missy]

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate all that you shared.

If any books helped you I’d love to know the titles.

This book is excellent

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman - Couples | The Gottman Institute

This New York Times bestselling book is an overview of the concepts, behaviors, and skills that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

www.gottman.com

This is helpful to those considering marriage as well as those divorcing or ending relationships:

The Gottman Four Horsemen

Identify Gottman Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions, eliminate them and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns.

www.gottman.com

There is a book version; I believe the blog post links to it.

Yes I agree Gottman's book is excellent. We read it the first year of marriage and it was an incredible resource

 

[MMtwo]

I have been married four times. Happily married seven years now. What a journey.

I married at 20 and separated by 23 (we were kids and neither of us were mature enough to make it work). He took up with several ladies and that just didn't work with my whole marriage ethic.

Remarried at 27 for 9 years - had my two kids. Their father was not a pleasant man to live with and I eventually escaped to rebuild my life.

Married again about 2009. This was a whole saga with him living a double life, undisclosed mental health issues...It lasted about a year. If anyone ever comes at you so strong and involved from about day 7 - RUN. I learned that lesson well.
Deep breath, I was so done with everything. My kids were hurt. My heart was broken.

I met a guy online about 2013 around the time I decided I was done with anything serious. He was eight years younger and absolutely "safe" on paper - not my perceived match. But that was a casual relationship fail as we realized we were absolutely naturally right together. Left shoe, right shoe. We're really happy and the marriage work is not as hard because we do have that natural balance together. HA, so I guess you never know what success looks like until you accidently crash into it. Just glad I was able to recognize it in the disguise it was wearing

For those that are going through it, I found a book called "Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life " very helpful.

 

[Lookinagain]

Most people I know agree that it was same 2 year process for them to feel fully healed and authentic selves again.

I totally agree with this. I've told others going through a divorce that it takes about 2 years to get back to normal and feel good about being single. So many people jump into another marriage (before 2 years) and often it's because they haven't adjusted to being single.

 

[MMtwo]

I totally agree with this. I've told others going through a divorce that it takes about 2 years to get back to normal and feel good about being single. So many people jump into another marriage (before 2 years) and often it's because they haven't adjusted to being single.

I agree with this!