Tell us about your freak-out

[Independent Gal]

So, I''m told that many people have an episode or two of panic when they''re getting ready to get engaged or married (but I don''t mean about the wedding itself). Have you had such a moment? What was it about? And how did you handle it?

 

[Gypsy]

Yeah. I''ve had those. BIG TIME. Usually right after a conversation with my mother (she''s a trigger for my anxiety attacks in general so this is not surprising). WHEN I handle them well... I talk to John about it. But I don''t always handle them well. And my anxiety over the whole marriage thing is in part to blame for why we haven''t gotten married yet. I''m scared.

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, mine was due to an "OH MY GOD, I''m marrying FOREVER" moment. See, I dated FI 10 years ago, and broke up with him because he was too nice. Then, about six years later, after dating a ton of jerks, I found him again and we got together. I think I just get scared because I worry that maybe this isn''t love, and I just don''t want to hurt him again.

To make me seem less like an a-hole, I must also add that my parents hate each other and have most of my life- so I don''t really know what "love" IS. So I worry about that. He''s a great guy and I can''t see life without him, but sometimes I worry that I don''t know what I''m doing!

This happened twice, when we first got engaged, and when I got my dress- almost a year apart. Now I still get scared because I don''t want to end up like my parents, but it''s really starting to fade into "Okay, this is a good thing. I love him"

 

[sumbride]

thus far I''ve only had them about the wedding... like when my dad ate my special cake samples! but I haven''t had one about marriage yet. not sure if I will since we''ve been together so long and I definitely feel ready to be married.

I think the closest I came was wanting to get a new cat and having him say no. I said "if I weren''t with you, I''d have my cat by now!" (I didn''t mean it like that....) and he finally realized how important it was to me, so he agreed that AFTER the wedding, I can get adopt a new cat. Sometimes I just like to be impulsive but I don''t get to be when I have to run things by him so much.

 

[TravelingGal]

I hardly ever sweat the small things, but I DO sweat horrifically on the big things...

So before we got engaged, I panicked. Badly. I remember once standing in the shower feeling like I was having a heart attack and trying to hard to take deep, steady breaths. That''s pretty much how I combated those attacks...breathe, breathe, breathe. Once the engagement happened, I didn''t sweat much at all about the marriage or wedding planning (with the small exception of the horrible "Visitor''s Book" episode" that well was documented here on PS.

All has been good, but lately I have been having massive panic attacks as the date draws near for me to go off the pill! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

[decodelighted]

The big freak-out I can remember revolved around the fact that my DH was married before. During planning sometimes his "previous memories" around planning slipped out -- and he was eager to share his "ill-gained knowledge"

. I''m older, and a bit of a know-it-all ... and I think it delighted him subconciously to have one up on me & be the "expert" -- yet, OF COURSE I was mega-peeved at any mention of his PREVIOUS wedding.

Well, things really came to a head when we were in a tiny floral store I''d always admired, randomly discussing centerpieces. The shop couldn''t even do our wedding because the proprieter was scheduled to be out of the country then ... it was just a chatty chat brainstorming thing. When I told him the location of our wedding (barn) and style (casual) he flew into the backroom to show us the centerpieces of another wedding he did ... flops open the book proudly and ... my DH turned WHITE. Slammed the book shut and said "NO!!! Take that away!!". Turns out that tiny store did his OTHER wedding, but he didn''t even know cuz SHE planned that part. Of all the weddings in this popular wedding hub ... that shopkeeper was going to show me MY FIANCE''S OTHER WEDDING''S CENTERPIECES.

Awkwardness. Exiting. Me: teetering on tears.

Then - just a couple days later ... I''m telling his Mom about my "men''s white shirt/taffeta skirt" wedding dress backup plan in case I can''t find the dress of my dreams & she blurts out that that''s the exact same outfit THE BRIDESMAIDS were wearing in HIS OTHER WEDDING. I am *NUMB*. Silently sobbed the whole way home.

Luckily that was the last of the crazy coincidences ... and stopped cold the "last time ..." talk from DH. But that pair of incidents really stands out as the time I super lost it pre-wedding.

 

[TravelingGal]

Wow Deco...that''s quite a (understandable) freak out moment.

 

[gladyskristen]

I totally freaked out when my parents said tt we''re too young to marry! Tt was when we announced our engagement and our plans to get married in 2+ years. I was really upset cos we din get their blessing. I started thinking tt it was a mistake to get engaged, we''re not meant to be together, etc etc. I cried myself to sleep tt night and woke up every hour. I stayed home the whole of the following day and did nothing cos I was too depressed.

I got support from you girls here and have been feeling much better ever since. Now I''m just enjoying being engaged and leaving the "parental problem" til at least 1 year from now!

 

[neatfreak]

I had a momentary freak out about the fact that FI suggested we get married THIS October instead of next. At first I was freaking out a bit at planning a wedding in only 6 months AND having to jump head first into wedding planning without having time to bask in the engagement.

But once the decision was made, I knew it was the right one, and haven''t really freaked out after that.

But never a freak out about actually GETTING married. I''m surprisingly cool about that...

 

[janinegirly]

i''ve had plenty of wedding planning freakouts..mostly over the bridal shower. but nothing too psycho.

haven''t freaked out at all about marriage..maybe b/c i''m older or b/c i''ve been with FI a while, living together,etc. I''m really ready for it..and kind of excited to be done with wedding planning.

i have had freak out moments about his family though! i really really don''t like my potential FSIL (currently just live in girlfriend of FBIL) and realizing I could have to deal with her for the rest of my life made me feel like i was starting a jail sentence soon!

 

[Mandarine]

My only freak out has been about the most-non-freaky thing: the dress! hahaha

I can commit to one guy, not sure if I can commit to one dress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and my budget doesn''t allow for two!)

Some pre-engagement freak out sessions, but nothing I thought was out of the norm!

M~

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/13/2007 4:09:53 PM
Author: Mandarine
My only freak out has been about the most-non-freaky thing: the dress! hahaha


I can commit to one guy, not sure if I can commit to one dress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and my budget doesn''t allow for two!)


Some pre-engagement freak out sessions, but nothing I thought was out of the norm!


M~

LOL. Girl I am SO in the same boat. I already have bought and sold one, I am on dress two, but I think I might sell that one too!!!

I just can''t commit and every time I pick one and buy it I then pick it apart and realize it''s just not right.

 

[zoebartlett]

I am a people pleaser. I mentioned before that I began to think about planning my wedding as planning a weekend getaway (we''re getting married next July 5th -- a holiday weekend). I had "forgotton" that I was planning my wedding day, not a vacation for others. That''s something I have to remind myself at times when I get into travel agent mode. I really want our guests to have a great time at our wedding and I have to remember that our wedding should ultimately be about my FI and me.

I have a hard time balancing what I''d really like our wedding to be like with what our guests will "expect." We don''t really drink (not for religious reasons, just personal preference) but our guests will expect at least something. Same thing with dancing. We hate to dance but we know that people will expect it. A few friends of mine also implied that weddings without dancing were boring and kind of lame.

I didn''t say we don''t want music or any dancing -- we just don''t want to be the ones on the dance floor. I''ve told people that I won''t be wearing a traditional wedding gown. Most people have thought that was fine but a few basically said, "oh you have to wear a wedding dress!" Why? Because YOU said so?

So I guess that''s my long winded way of saing that yes, I''ve been stressed a little. Stressed about balancing what we want for ourselves and our guests. I hope this makes sense -- it''s way past my bedtime.

 

[KimberlyH]

Wedding planning freakouts are totally not my bag, I was successfully determined not do freak out about flowers, dresses and so forth, what a waste of my time! I did freak out about the "forever" thing...we''re just under a year into it and sometimes I still do. Pre-husband I was a totally independent soul, it was and is (although less so) hard to concede to our being so connected in every way. On occasion, while planning, it was quite scary. Now I''m more settled into the idea and life is quite wonderful. He''s very aware of how difficult it was (and sometimes still is) for me and has been amazingly understanding. It makes me love him even more and helped me freak out less. If I couldn''t do it all over again with him, I wouldn''t do it at all (and I believe that there is more than one "right" person for everyone!).

 

[Skippy123]

I freaked out the day after the wedding. I love my husband but it all set in the next day and I cried all day. I am bad with any sort of change and all of a sudden I realized I was married.

My good friend cried too the day after her wedding

; we giggle about it now but it wasn't funny then!

I love being married now and think I was such a dork back then.

 

[basil]

So far, so good (cross my fingers, knock on wood).

I remember a few nights before I suspected we were about to get engaged (which I''d been aware of and pushing for), I was laying awake in the middle of the night and I thought "oh god, this is really it? forever? what the heck am I doing?" Then I looked at him all cute and angelic sleeping, and the feeling passed

 

[gailrmv]

Ugh, my MIL reminded me of this just the other day...
the night before my wedding, after the rehearsal dinner, the bridal party wanted to go out for a bit, just get ice cream and hang out. It was totally benign, not a night of clubbing or anything, but I freaked out that everyone would be up late and tired the next day and not ready on time for the hair stylist and things. It wasn''t very rational but I remember really freaking out about that! It all turned out OK!

 

[luckystar112]

I just want to say that I am so glad I''m not the only one who sometimes freaks at the thought of forever!!

Especially since I want to get engaged so bad. It''s like an oxymoron.

lol

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/14/2007 12:44:51 AM
Author: luckystar112
I just want to say that I am so glad I''m not the only one who sometimes freaks at the thought of forever!!

Especially since I want to get engaged so bad. It''s like an oxymoron.

lol

that was me for sure! ha ha!

 

[Independent Gal]

At the moment, I'm a little freaked out not so much about 'forever' but about 'in the meantime'. I'm freaked about sharing my very small home and about the possibility of having to change careers so that FF can keep the job he loves. I love mine too, but we can't both keep 'em (long story) and he loves his more.

Still, every now and then I feel like it's unfair and I get worried I'll resent it in the longer term. So, that's my current freakout. YOU MEAN I HAVE TO COMPROMISE?!!? Make SACRIFICES!?!? I can't have everything my way anymore?

Mind you, I did go to school for 10 years so that I could do what I do, which is what I've always wanted to do. So did he of course. But I guess I can do something else. It will be a new adventure, right? Maybe it will be even better.

 

[zoebartlett]

Skippy, woah! You turned into a mermaid!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 6/14/2007 11:44:47 AM
Author: Independent Gal
At the moment, I''m a little freaked out not so much about ''forever'' but about ''in the meantime''. I''m freaked about sharing my very small home and about the possibility of having to change careers so that FF can keep the job he loves. I love mine too, but we can''t both keep ''em (long story) and he loves his more.

Still, every now and then I feel like it''s unfair and I get worried I''ll resent it in the longer term. So, that''s my current freakout. YOU MEAN I HAVE TO COMPROMISE?!!? Make SACRIFICES!?!? I can''t have everything my way anymore?

Mind you, I did go to school for 10 years so that I could do what I do, which is what I''ve always wanted to do. So did he of course. But I guess I can do something else. It will be a new adventure, right? Maybe it will be even better.

That made me laugh! I''m totally like that. I hate compromising and I''m never wrong. Never.

 

[allycat0303]

Well there''s a part of me that associates being married as being old and the end of all romance. I think my mom has said that to me a zillion times, so I''m really afraid of changing a good thing. We''re giddy happy to see each other now, after 11 years, and I''m worried that once we''re married, it will become really routine and we''ll get bored of each other.

And I have a certain aversion to becoming an *real adult* as well.

 

[ephemery1]

OK I just read through this whole thread and I''m STILL caught on Deco''s story!!

It brought back lovely memories of dating DH back when he was still in touch with his ex-gf, which bugged me because: A) all his friends told me she was a horrible manipulative b**ch, and B) she liked to call him repeatedly (often at 2am) to cry about the problems in her life. It subsided... until I was job-searching about a year later, and got all excited about a position that looked absolutely perfect... when DH awkwardly broke the news to me that SHE worked at that exact same university, in the exact same department, on the exact same project. UGH... what are the freaking odds.

As for emotional non-planning-related freak-outs.... I had MANY.

So many, in fact, that I''m currently writing a paper on the emotional side of engagement for my Psych of Women class! Fortunately DH knows that I am prone to being overly sensitive, overly emotional, and overly dramatic, which is a bad combination.... so he was prepared, and able to weather the storm quite well. But storm it did... I raged about having to give up my name (even though he didn''t care if I did), give up my apartment (even though he would have moved in with me if I wanted), give up my childhood (despite the fact we still spend TONS of time with my family) and give up my independent life (although every change has been for the better, thus far!).

In all honesty, it was NOT a fun time, but I''m glad I worked through that stuff before the wedding. Because now that we''re married (5 whole weeks so far!), I feel about a zillion times better about everything... no post-wedding depression here. I''m just super-appreciative of everything about my husband and our relationship and life together... I still worry and stress about too much, and we fight over dumb stuff related to moving-in, etc... but there are NO doubts or regrets whatsoever. And it is a GREAT feeling.

 

[SleepyBear]

I am only having one major freak out and that is about buying THE dress. I have 12 months to go yet before the wedding - yes, early to be having a freak out. We have a date, venue and church all booked. Looking for Save the Dates as we speak.

I should be looking forward to the experience (I love shopping for clothes, jewellery, bags, shoes, etc. - a true shopaholic), yet on this I am petrified. I have this image in my head of how I would like to look, yet I fear that the reality of how I will look won''t match up.

Have any of you had freaks outs or similar in relation to THE dress?

My other issue is having lost my Mum a year ago I just don''t trust anyone to give me such a sound opinion as she would. All my BMs and my MOH live a long way away from me, so I am dress shopping on my own in the initial stages. I will, once I have made a few selections get my future MIL involved but it''s just not going to be the same. Maybe this is the true root of my anxieties? The only thing which I can feel comfortable about in relation to the dress is that I received a little bit of money from my Mum in her will and that is going to buy the dress. It''s the only thing that fi and I won''t be paying for ourselves, we have refused all financial help from all other family members. I know that that is what she would want me to do with it.

Anyone in a similar situation? I am almost too anxious to even start the dress hunt. I have bought lots of wedding magazines with the intention of looking at styles, ideas, etc. for dresses, but then I can''t even look at them.

I think probably the best thing is to bite the bullet and just get on with it. Maybe once I get out there, I shall start to feel differently.

Any advice?
Thanks everyone,
SB

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/13/2007 10:28:33 PM
Author: Skippy123
I freaked out the day after the wedding. I love my husband but it all set in the next day and I cried all day. I am bad with any sort of change and all of a sudden I realized I was married.

My good friend cried too the day after her wedding

; we giggle about it now but it wasn''t funny then!

I love being married now and think I was such a dork back then.

I kept thinking oh I''ve got no story but this reminded me of mine LOL I kept telling myself to stop mentally during the ceremony to ask myself once and for all if there were any lightening strikes warning me against it.... and then I forgot about that until like an hour after the ceremony and i thought okay well I guess there''s nothing to worry about LOL So several hours later we''re finally alone in our hotel room and usually that''s when nature takes its course, right? ha!! I just sat there, thinking, and really really just wanted to be alone. I realized that I really wasn''t making a commitment to HIM. I was making it FOR him. But I was making the commitment to *myself* and all of a sudden that seemed like weighty stuff and I wanted to be alone to contemplate it. The rest of the evening sucked because I forced myself to be with him and not say what I was thinking, "Honey just leave me alone for the rest of our wedding day, thanks" and I rally waned to be alone. I wasn''t mad or upset or scared, just really trying to absorb the enormity of the commitment. Its being committed to being committed. I was creating a double bond or double bind within myself and it was heavy stuff.

All of the wedding freakouts had to do with the renewal. I told my aunt to Eff off and my family hasn''t let me live it down LOL She deserved it. She really did LOL

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/14/2007 12:44:51 AM
Author: luckystar112
I just want to say that I am so glad I''m not the only one who sometimes freaks at the thought of forever!!

Especially since I want to get engaged so bad. It''s like an oxymoron.

lol

Just wait till you see how forever looks after 15 years LOL It looks very very short and very very long at the same time LOL Half of you can''t believe you''ve gone all those years and here you are still in love and you don''t have as much time together because its spent.... and the other half of you thinks holy crap more of this same BS for another 30 years? oh man LOL

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 6/14/2007 11:44:47 AM
Author: Independent Gal
At the moment, I''m a little freaked out not so much about ''forever'' but about ''in the meantime''. I''m freaked about sharing my very small home and about the possibility of having to change careers so that FF can keep the job he loves. I love mine too, but we can''t both keep ''em (long story) and he loves his more.

Still, every now and then I feel like it''s unfair and I get worried I''ll resent it in the longer term. So, that''s my current freakout. YOU MEAN I HAVE TO COMPROMISE?!!? Make SACRIFICES!?!? I can''t have everything my way anymore?

Mind you, I did go to school for 10 years so that I could do what I do, which is what I''ve always wanted to do. So did he of course. But I guess I can do something else. It will be a new adventure, right? Maybe it will be even better.

Yes, yes you do...... my best friend has become very uncompromising as she has gained success and gotten years under her belt as an independent woman.... and she''s lucky that she is still meeting a lot of men, but there''s somehing wrong with them all. Nothing wrong with holding out for THE guy, but she''s going to have a major adjustment when she does. She very much likes her way about *everything*. So do I but I''ve given that one up long ago.

 

[Fancy605]

I haven''t had a freak out, but here at the 3 week mark, I have been a little bit of a nervous wreck mostly because I have some to dos left. For example I cannot find ivory shoes anywhere (I am going to have to order some on line I suppose.) Oh well, I can get married bare foot. But there are a lot of little things that have me jittery. It doesn''t help that we are also building a house right now, and that it is as time consuming as the wedding.

I ALMOST had a break down over invitations because we ordered them 2 months in advance to the RSVP date, and they did not come in until about 1 month before b/c the company kept making mistakes, but they did give us a discount b/c of it, so it wasnt all bad (now I''m just hoping the last of them get in today so I don''t have to get in touch with as many people to find whetehr I need more food.)

 

[So_happy]

My one freak out was way back in the begining dealing with, of all things, bridesmaid dresses! And I''m talking tears and all out anxiety over this. It was terrible. I learned very quickly that these 5 women, under non-wedding circumstances are normal, kind, and patient women who I''ve befriended for reasons. However, try to exert any control over your own wedding as it relates to what they will wear and you have several moments of wondering if you should just elope. It was a very bad time for me and FI. FI even wrote an email to them chastising them for being so mean at one point!!! I half wanted to kill him for that and half wanted to marry him on the spot

As far as freak outs as they relate to actually getting married.........none so far. I am absolutley without a doubt ready ready ready. I can not wait! I feel as if the rest of my life is waiting around the corner and I want it sooooooooooo badly. It''s like knowing you are getting this gift you''ve wanted for the past decade, knowing someone has bought it for you, wrapped it up in pretty silver paper, sprinkled flawless colorless diamonds all over it, set it about 30 feet in front of you, and then tells you you get to open it in 70 more looooooooooooooong days

. I know FI and I have been living together now for 5 years so maybe married life will be very similar and maybe not something of a huge change.........(my sisters comments)........but if feels SO huge to us and so right. It will feel different for us. In a great way.

(haha, now that I said that I want to add a disclaimer that I retain my right to freak out anyway in the next 70 days if and when something I can not now forsee occurs lol)