Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat size...

[Laila619]

...is this rude and materialistic or not?

Did any of you tell (or gently "guide") your boyfriend before he proposed that he needed to buy a diamond of at least X carats or bigger? I know a few women who told their DHs in basically no uncertain terms that the diamond needed to be at least 1.5 carats or larger. I also see a lot of guys on PS post that their girlfriends informed them that they needed to buy a certain size. I never even *thought* to tell my DH a carat requirement before he proposed. Man I missed out, I should have told him 2 carats or bigger. But seriously, what do you think of this practice? Tacky or perfectly acceptable?

 

[Circe]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think it depends on the context. If you announce out of the blue that only two will do, that's a bit off-putting ... though, frankly, you can sub in almost any other item and I'll feel the same ("I couldn't accept just any shoes for my birthday - they have to be Choos"). But if a couple is talking about getting engaged and discussing general preferences ... sure, why not? I feel like there's a strange prejudice against showiness in our culture, so while it's okay to specify color or clarity, making size a priority is seen as tacky. Possibly because most people don't know about the other C's and see size as the one that dictates cost ....

 

[aviastar]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Hmmm, context is important, like Circe said. Only the two in the conversation know if was a 'demand' or a 'preference stated' sort of thing. And they are the only two that have to be ok with it either way. Budgets, personalities, priorities, tone of voice, willingness to be flexible all come into play and we don't really get any of that when a groom-to-be posts looking for input.

But no, I didn't mention carats, personally. I told my husband that he could propose with tin foil and I would still say yes, since what I wanted was to marry to man; the ring was secondary to actually accomplishing that goal.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

...is this rude and materialistic or not?

Did any of you tell (or gently "guide") your boyfriend before he proposed that he needed to buy a diamond of at least X carats or bigger? I know a few women who told their DHs in basically no uncertain terms that the diamond needed to be at least 1.5 carats or larger. I also see a lot of guys on PS post that their girlfriends informed them that they needed to buy a certain size. I never even *thought* to tell my DH a carat requirement before he proposed. Man I missed out, I should have told him 2 carats or bigger. But seriously, what do you think of this practice? Tacky or perfectly acceptable?

yep,nowadays 2ct are the norms. that's what heard from my younger friends.

 

[vc10um]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I actually did the reverse...I asked my DH to step down a smidge in size (he wanted to go somewhere between 1 and 1.2 carats) because when we tried diamonds of various sizes in the setting that made my heart sing, anything larger than 0.9 was was disproportionate to my eyes with respect to the side diamonds!

I have to agree with Circe, though, that the context of the statement about size and how it's presented are very important!

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I kind of did it in reverse (and I'm glad that I did). I asked my husband how much he was willing to spend on a ring and when he gave me the budget, I started looking for rings. I liked it that way. It meant I could either get a larger stone but compromise on color, etc., or get a smaller stone with higher quality. The ball was in my court. I compromised on some things so that I could hit the carat mark that I wanted personally.

I would never DEMAND a certain size. As the others said, if it came up in a conversation between two people were about to get engaged in a way that went something like "I'd rather have a larger diamond around two carats in a J than a smaller one in an F color" etc., then I see nothing wrong, but I would never demand it.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I agree with the context, but I wouldn’t have mentioned carat weight unless he told me specifically what his budget was (which my DH would never have done) AND asked me pointedly for the carat weight I wanted.

I would have said, “I don’t know what the budget is, but I want the best cut H color or better and eyeclean stone you can afford, in this shape. With a setting like this, if possible. If something has to give, I’d prefer it be the setting, and to wear a simple and inexpensive solitaire. The most important things to me with the diamond are the shape and the light return/ performance, I want a really lovely bright stone with great light return in that shape."

That to me covers it all. Four C’s and priorities without stating anything that creates a financial expectation.

I’m VERY specific though. That’s just my nature.

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

In my case, it was what *I* could afford! (he paid me back tho... ) ... and it was so long ago, before the killer rocks of today, became the norm. Mine was a teeny weeny .33 marquis solitaire!! We are talking ZERO finger coverage

I come from a different era, where there was much less demand upon the showiness of all and sundry when it comes to the excessive details of a wedding. I think it is also a combo platter of current times, your culture, your social circle, your geographical location, your age... etc., that influences what is acceptable/normal/desired for that point and time. IMO, a lot of the industry is just about that - INDUSTRY - as opposed to the joining together of 2 lives. That (the two lives becoming one, as they say) seems to get lost in the commercial and business end of an engagement and wedding, which becomes the focus instead of the emotional aspect ... but that's probably just me being my 50+ year old self!

There have been a few gentlemen on PS lately who have been 'told' to get XYZ for their future fiances. I just don't get that. Again, I acknowledge I rolled out of the dark ages... on a dinosaur... holding a candle ...and weaving my own clothing ... but 'demands and expectations' and 'forcing' someone to go above and beyond what is financially capable, doesn't seem like a fair and equitable way to start a shared life together. Seems like a competition or a power struggle to me. Much fairer to discuss what is affordable and if the future bride wants something in excess of her future grooms budget, there are no rules that say she can't chip in some big bucks as well!!

AND... while I''m on the topic... I think a lot of the people who may be demanding these honkers, because they seem them on other people and here on PS, may not realize these current rings may probably not be the initial engagement ring. Usually finances aren't always able to purchase something so hugely expensive, but over time and thru upgrades, that's probably how most people have been able to sport the lovely big stones.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

All I told him was not to go into debt! haha.

 

[rubybeth]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I come from a different era, where there was much less demand upon the showiness of all and sundry when it comes to the excessive details of a wedding. I think it is also a combo platter of current times, your culture, your social circle, your geographical location, your age... etc., that influences what is acceptable/normal/desired for that point and time. IMO, a lot of the industry is just about that - INDUSTRY - as opposed to the joining together of 2 lives. That (the two lives becoming one, as they say) seems to get lost in the commercial and business end of an engagement and wedding, which becomes the focus instead of the emotional aspect ... but that's probably just me being my 50+ year old self!

There have been a few gentlemen on PS lately who have been 'told' to get XYZ for their future fiances. I just don't get that. Again, I acknowledge I rolled out of the dark ages... on a dinosaur... holding a candle ...and weaving my own clothing ... but 'demands and expectations' and 'forcing' someone to go above and beyond what is financially capable, doesn't seem like a fair and equitable way to start a shared life together. Seems like a competition or a power struggle to me. Much fairer to discuss what is affordable and if the future bride wants something in excess of her future grooms budget, there are no rules that say she can't chip in some big bucks as well!!

AND... while I''m on the topic... I think a lot of the people who may be demanding these honkers, because they seem them on other people and here on PS, may not realize these current rings may probably not be the initial engagement ring. Usually finances aren't always able to purchase something so hugely expensive, but over time and thru upgrades, that's probably how most people have been able to sport the lovely big stones.

Oh, Enerchi, I'm 31 but I must be older at heart, because I totally agree with everything you wrote. Focus on your marriage, not your wedding, is how I like to say it. Sure, weddings are fun, but the next day? That's the part you need to be talking about for 12+ months.

I always wonder how these engagements/marriages work out from these posters who just post that their gf wants a certain carat weight. I wish we could somehow demonstrate that demanding a certain carat weight doesn't bode well for future mutual decision-making! Considering financial issues are the number one reason cited for divorce and frustration in a marriage, I am wary of 'demands' that relate to finances.

 

[Laila619]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Enerchi, I loved your post and agree with it too. And I'm in my early 30s.

 

[Circe]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Soooooooooooo ... for the ladies who feel it's inappropriate, does the same judgement apply to upgrades, unless they are entirely man-initiated and man-handled? Just curious about when direct communication about what you want stops being unseemly - and not being sarcastic, here. Is it something specific about the circumstances of engagement, or ...?

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Soooooooooooo ... for the ladies who feel it's inappropriate, does the same judgement apply to upgrades, unless they are entirely man-initiated and man-handled? Just curious about when direct communication about what you want stops being unseemly - and not being sarcastic, here. Is it something specific about the circumstances of engagement, or ...?

I think it's restricted to engagements. At that point, TRADITIONALLY finances are separate. So it's not, IMO, right to dictate what someone else has to spend when you don't know what their financial obligations, goals, commitments, and income is. But once you are married, THE ASSUMPTION is, it's a joint decision and based on financial transparency and mutual financial responsibilities and mutual 'rights' to the funds pool that the money comes from.

 

[Laila619]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Soooooooooooo ... for the ladies who feel it's inappropriate, does the same judgement apply to upgrades, unless they are entirely man-initiated and man-handled? Just curious about when direct communication about what you want stops being unseemly - and not being sarcastic, here. Is it something specific about the circumstances of engagement, or ...?

I think it's restricted to engagements. At that point, TRADITIONALLY finances are separate. So it's not, IMO, right to dictate what someone else has to spend when you don't know what their financial obligations, goals, commitments, and income is. But once you are married, THE ASSUMPTION is, it's a joint decision and based on financial transparency and mutual financial responsibilities and mutual 'rights' to the funds pool that the money comes from.

Yes, that sounds about right Gypsy.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I agree - context, context, context. Add to that culture, writ broad.

I have to admit that it makes me cringe when I see someone in RockyTalky struggling to meet a minimum stone size requirement within his budget. Sometimes, I have to fight back the urge to tell him to run. But... we've also seen situations here (in the hangout) where a small stone was emblematic of a lack of respect in the relationship. We've read of guys who see their partner's desires as frivolous but their toys as essential. Since I don't know what's going on behind that apparent demand I try to withhold my judgement on the demand.

 

[Circe]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Soooooooooooo ... for the ladies who feel it's inappropriate, does the same judgement apply to upgrades, unless they are entirely man-initiated and man-handled? Just curious about when direct communication about what you want stops being unseemly - and not being sarcastic, here. Is it something specific about the circumstances of engagement, or ...?

I think it's restricted to engagements. At that point, TRADITIONALLY finances are separate. So it's not, IMO, right to dictate what someone else has to spend when you don't know what their financial obligations, goals, commitments, and income is. But once you are married, THE ASSUMPTION is, it's a joint decision and based on financial transparency and mutual financial responsibilities and mutual 'rights' to the funds pool that the money comes from.

Am I remembering correctly that you're involved in law? If so, it shows - airtight! If not, well, you could be.

I am still not entirely on the same page, but now I can see yours clearly - thanks for that. I suppose for me, it's foreign to think one could consider marriage without knowing all that and considering it a joint venture from the get-go ... but this is where I need to invoke Rule #2, I guess.

Edited for obscure reference: Rule #2 was created by my husband after I kept exasperatedly asking why people would do X, Y, or Z. It is, simply, that not everybody is Circe. Subjectivity!

 

[Skippy123]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

All I told him was not to go into debt! haha.

I like that!

eta: I like what you said Enerchi!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

People vary Circe!

I think if my husband was really rich I would have told him what I wanted for the engagement. But I knew he could not afford what I wanted so just let him go for it. Five years of marriage later I just bought what I wanted

 

[Clairitek]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

My gut reaction to "demanding" a certain carat size is to roll my eyes. BUT I find that I often only feel like this when the woman has demanded a totally unrealistic ring given the man's circumstances (though I guess it's not any more OK with me if the guy is filthy rich and she demands a ring within budget). In these circumstances she clearly has NO IDEA how expensive these things are in reality. I find that a trip to the jewelry store to look at stones and stone costs often fixes these problems.

Personally I did not demand anything. When we went to the jeweler together DH asked for my limits on color and clarity. I said J and eye clean. I asked for the best cut he could afford within those parameters (and he agreed that it made sense given that cut dictates performance) and then the biggest diamond he could afford. He asked so I answered. Besides that I didn't demand anything. He also asked for my shape preferences... round and cushion! Like Layla, I asked that he put most of the money into the diamond and then get an affordable setting without diamonds in it. He did just that. I never once felt like I was demanding anything. Had he not asked I wouldn't have given him any guidelines at all.

 

[diamondringlover]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I would have never dreamed to tell him to buy a certain size, I just remember pointing out a few things that I like that we could afford (which wasnt much at all) and I didnt want to go in debt, and he choose between the one's I wanted and we didnt go in debt that time...lol 20 years later went in debt to buy my current ring...but thats OK I could afford it then. I personally think its OK to point him in the right direction and if you are going to get married you should know his financial status anyway and you should discuss what he can afford and go from there...I think its rude to demand or ask for something you know darn well he cant afford.

 

[radiantquest]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I cringe a little when thinking about this...at first.

Then I think about relationship dynamics. There are some couples that are very open with what they want and expect. I think there is a difference between making demands and stating what you desire.

For the most part women set the standard on jewelry. If the buyer has no idea what to buy, why shouldn't the recipient have a say in what they get?

I had a friend who gave her ering back when it was less than 1ct. In her defense he mentioned a few years before that less than 1ct was a slap in the face. He must have forgot that he said that and she gave it right back to him and told him he should try again. He did.

 

[Laila619]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Another question I'd like to hear your thoughts on: if a gal states her ring needs to be at *least* 1.5 carats, and her guy proposes with say, a 1.08 carat, should she say no? Should she say yes but tell him to exchange the ring? Or should she still be happy anyway?

A lot of times when guys come on PS and say "my girlfriend said I had to get her X," it sounds more a direct order (he better or else!), rather than just simply stating what she'd like. I think stating what you would like or what you think is nice is fine (within reason), but demanding a certain carat weight kinda rubs me the wrong way, especially when the guy can't always afford it easily.

 

[webdiva]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think many of those women haven't priced out diamonds lately. 2 carat diamond prices are insane! The average person can't afford that as a first time engagement ring. I think they're also watching too many reality shows and reading too much US Magazine!

Hubby and I set the budget and expectations together. I ordered it and he transferred the money to my acct. We also waited almost 2 years after the wedding to purchase it, while making our home and savings a priority first. My only demand was that he spend more on my ring than he does on his car.

If someone has no idea what their future fiance's finances are, perhaps discussing that and your future goals should be a priority over a big sparkly ring. It's 2012, not 1950.

 

[aviastar]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Another question I'd like to hear your thoughts on: if a gal states her ring needs to be at *least* 1.5 carats, and her guy proposes with say, a 1.08 carat, should she say no? Should she say yes but tell him to exchange the ring? Or should she still be happy anyway?

A lot of times when guys come on PS and say "my girlfriend said I had to get her X," it sounds more a direct order (he better or else!), rather than just simply stating what she'd like. I think stating what you would like or what you think is nice is fine (within reason), but demanding a certain carat weight kinda rubs me the wrong way, especially when the guy can't always afford it easily.

But we don't really know what being lost in translation a lot of the time with posts like that (sometimes, yes, it's clear), but we're also lacking inflection, tone, and most people are trying to be concise when posting.

I think what has to potential to rub me the wrong way about it the 'demand' part. It suggests a lack of maturity- in the person to some extent, but also in the relationship itself. Is it a conversation between two partners or an ultimatum? Are you each aware of the other's finances, preferences, strengths and weaknesses and making a decision between you or are you attempting to keep up with your social circle regardless of circumstance? Do you value the commitment you make with your promise to marry or hinge how much you think he loves you on diamond size? These distinctions matter in my mind.

Personally, I did this similarly to what Gypsy is saying- I know your finances, you know my preferences in terms of financial decisions, and we are on the same page about committment and partnership. But the ring wasn't my mountain to die on, so to speak, and I trusted him to make choices we would both be on board with. I also see what Circe is talking about, though, that if you are on the same page enough to get enagaged then he should know that the ring is that important to you, so you can make the specific decisions together.

What makes me cringe is when there is an apparent disconnect between partners as to which way to approach it, as if they maybe don't quite know each other well enough to handle an emotional AND financial decision together or how to see it from the other's point of view and come to a reasonable compromise. Those situations worry me; but I still don't think we can always tell which is which from a few posts.

 

[MissStepcut]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think you should be up-front about your expectations. I also think you should have reasonable, sensible expectations grounded in reality.

For me personally, when my stone came on the market, I just knew it was The One and that I had to have it. So I suppose I was incredibly demanding: not just a certain size, or color, or clarity, but one certain particular stone!

A couple of my friends are doing the diamond hunt thing right now, and the ladies have definitely expressed themselves. Better that, in my opinion, than what happened to my cousin: Her FMIL told her future FI that she had a nice half-carat stone. My cousin, being a modest girl who would never want to come off as materialistic, particularly not to her FMIL, happily agreed to use the stone. Truth be told, my cousin had rather imagined a full carat round, and both she and her now-husband had plenty of income and assets to be able to comfortably afford it, but alas. Being doubly frugal, they used a setting from her side of the family, perfect for a half carat round. Well, the MIL took the stone to a jeweler and discovered the stone was not as big as she thought: not by half. So, she had her jeweler mangle the family setting to cram that quarter carat thing into the setting, totally ruining it. It's been re-set since then, but only after a great many tears and self-flaggelation. Sure, she trusted her MIL and didn't bother to ask to see the stone before it was sent to the jeweler, but a lot of unhappiness can come from trying to pretend like you don't have a preference and would be happy with any old thing. Particularly when it's not true at all.

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Another question I'd like to hear your thoughts on: if a gal states her ring needs to be at *least* 1.5 carats, and her guy proposes with say, a 1.08 carat, should she say no? Should she say yes but tell him to exchange the ring? Or should she still be happy anyway?

A lot of times when guys come on PS and say "my girlfriend said I had to get her X," it sounds more a direct order (he better or else!), rather than just simply stating what she'd like. I think stating what you would like or what you think is nice is fine (within reason), but demanding a certain carat weight kinda rubs me the wrong way, especially when the guy can't always afford it easily.

This.

None of us know what anyone else's finances are all about, so maybe the girl asking for a 4ct is actually dating a multi bazillionaire, and that stone is just a mere pittance of what he can afford. (and BTW.. does he have a dad that's single??? ) But, I'm more inclined to think that's probably not the case.

Most likely its your average Joe who wants to make his future wife happy, so will go and stretch as far as he can, because he loves her. AWESOME! That's sweet and romantic and if you can afford it, I have no issues. Hopefully, she has shared in an "...if you were thinking of diamonds, I'm really partial to G, VS1, 1 - 1.5 cts, Round or cushion, but I'll leave it up to you to surprise me...." way. However, sometimes these guys write with the impression that Cruella deVille has just cracked her whip while chewing on a puppy, demanding a 2ct+ D, IF diamond! Its hard to tell on a thread, so we can't judge... but we can be suspicious and try to help the poor schmuck from downloading all his disposable cash and a kidney, for the sake of a very forthright future wife!

As far as if someone were to return an engagement ring because it wasn't big enough...? I just asked DH his thoughts on this - "buh-BYE" was his response!

 

[Rhea]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Depends on context. We discussed getting married, agreed. We wanted the engagement to come first. Started talking about the ring and he told me a budget. We started looking together and during the search I specified a preference for a 1/2 carat, near colourless, and eye clean in a vintage setting. We chose the ring together. It's 0.47 carats, estimated.

So yes, I told him I'd like a 1/2 carat or larger, but I didn't demand. It was part of a conversation about the ring and engagement.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Am I remembering correctly that you're involved in law? If so, it shows - airtight! If not, well, you could be.

I am still not entirely on the same page, but now I can see yours clearly - thanks for that. I suppose for me, it's foreign to think one could consider marriage without knowing all that and considering it a joint venture from the get-go ... but this is where I need to invoke Rule #2, I guess.

Circe, I am guilty of that. And yes, I'm sure it shows and probably often.

I think for me, I realize that a lot of people handle engagements AND finances differently. And that while there are WRONG ways to do it (go in to a marriage completely blind about one anothers finances), there are many shades of right short of that.

I know parents who plan to or have bought the engagement rings for their son. They are financially in a place where they can do that, want to do it. So while the kid may be living off ramen in medical school, the parents want to make sure that their beloved FDIL has a ring worthy of her future as The Doctor's Wife. The couple themselves are completely transparent about their finances with each other, but the girl knows nothing of what the parents plan to buy.

I know couples who do not share finances until they get engaged, but do so before they get married. So at the time of the ring purchase, there is no transparency about finances, but just an general overview (does he rent, own a house, have a job, salary range). And decisions like how much to spend on a ring are made on the micro not marco financial level (or should be, De Beers advertising notwithstanding).

I know couples where they do share finances, BUT the guy has a trust fund he doesn't use very muc-- but plans to use for the ring. Or he's been saving and squirreling away money from his 'fun money' fund, and is being vague about the budget for the ring-- but the woman knows all the rest of the financial details.

My point is, as Dreamer said, people vary. Which is why I worded my post the way I did. Because what is "right" in reality depends largely on your individual circumstances. But on a forum when answering a broad question like this one, what is 'right' depends on the assumptions you make about those circumstances. So I stated the assumptions.

But, no I don't think it's wrong for a Girlfriend who DOES already have a say in the finances (blended finances) and already has transparency AND knows what diamonds cost to say... hey-- can we budget this for my engagement ring (asking and consulting for a mutual decision), and if that IS the budget for my ring------> this is what I'd like to get for it.

 

[Skippy123]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think sometimes women don't check out the prices on things. I remember a friend who said she had to have at least a 1.5 carat stone but she got a 1 carat and another friend said she needed a 2 carat stone and got a .75 carat. I didn't realize, that 1.5 carat MRB can be anywhere from 15k to 20k ish? Prices have really gone up. I remember back when I joined PS a 2 carat J ACA was about 16k; I am not even sure what it would be today, maybe 25k?? Anyway, I think it is good to work with a budget. Isn't the idea of engagement ring a new thing? Wasn't it rare for people to use engagement rings unless you were super wealthy 100 or more years ago? just wondering.


eta: oh I found some fun engagement ring history http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engagement_ring

 

[yennyfire]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Again, I acknowledge I rolled out of the dark ages... on a dinosaur... holding a candle ...and weaving my own clothing ...

Oh my gosh Enerchi, you are just too funny! I agree though...even 12 years ago, I didn't know ANYONE who "told" their future FI what size stone they would accept. My now hubby and I went and looked together (at his request), so he had an idea of what I wanted, but that was the extent of it. I don't get girls who want the ring more than the guy....or at the cost of stressing their guy out so much over being able to get "exactly" the ring they want. Stay married for a while and you can upgrade.