Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat size...

[MissStepcut]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Again, I acknowledge I rolled out of the dark ages... on a dinosaur... holding a candle ...and weaving my own clothing ...

Oh my gosh Enerchi, you are just too funny! I agree though...even 12 years ago, I didn't know ANYONE who "told" their future FI what size stone they would accept. My now hubby and I went and looked together (at his request), so he had an idea of what I wanted, but that was the extent of it. I don't get girls who want the ring more than the guy....or at the cost of stressing their guy out so much over being able to get "exactly" the ring they want. Stay married for a while and you can upgrade.

Well... to be fair, people marry later now, and with more assets. In a previous relationship, a man proposed to me with a ring that cost him less than the last pair of shoes he bought (yes, they were expensive shoes). I can understand a girl having expectations that a man show her that she's a priority relative to his other budgeting choices.

 

[Tuckins1]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

IMHO, yes it is rude. I did not tell DH he had to do anything, I just asked that he get a good quality stone, no matter the size. I also told him that I liked princess cuts so that's what he got me. He has said, many times, that if I had told him that I would not accept anything under a certain size, he would not have asked me to marry him. He didn't want a materialistic girl... The ring isn't as important as what it represents.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Again, I acknowledge I rolled out of the dark ages... on a dinosaur... holding a candle ...and weaving my own clothing ...

Oh my gosh Enerchi, you are just too funny! I agree though...even 12 years ago, I didn't know ANYONE who "told" their future FI what size stone they would accept. My now hubby and I went and looked together (at his request), so he had an idea of what I wanted, but that was the extent of it. I don't get girls who want the ring more than the guy....or at the cost of stressing their guy out so much over being able to get "exactly" the ring they want. Stay married for a while and you can upgrade.

Well... to be fair, people marry later now, and with more assets. In a previous relationship, a man proposed to me with a ring that cost him less than the last pair of shoes he bought (yes, they were expensive shoes). I can understand a girl having expectations that a man show her that she's a priority relative to his other budgeting choices.

it depends if the EX took him to the cleaners...

 

[mrs jam]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I waited til after we were married to let DH know about my size requirements. I didn't want to scare him off. I love the ring he proposed to me with and will always keep it for sentimental reasons, but I like big bling and I cannot lie! We're putting fun money aside for my upgrade. I noticed on our online banking that DH has nicknamed this savings account "Diamond Dollars."

 

[lyra]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I'm too old to answer this question I think. My youngest daughter, 22, does not care at all what size diamond she gets. She is quite petite and believes anything over .50ct would be too big for her. Diamonds are barely even on her radar. She likes fashion and accessories and wants just a plain white metal solitaire. My oldest daughter, 25, has some preferences, as she is a jewellery lover like me, and has done some research on her own. To her benefit, she buys her own jewellery and already owns her own .40ct OEC. She would expect something on par or slightly bigger than what she already owns, when the time comes.

The already engaged/married girls in their circles all have less than .50ct rings, and are just not into diamonds. I think upgrading for them would be something they'd look at much later in married life, like 10-15+ years down the line. That seems normal around here. I see 1 ct+ stones on some younger woman locally, but that is not the norm really.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think part of the narrative of gender roles includes the bossy demanding woman, and some men like to "joke" about their demanding woman. I think that comes into play for some of those men we see in RT. Some of them are saying it in a passive aggressive way, and some might be saying it affectionately because they love a good bossy woman But I think some of it is just talk.

 

[madelise]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

If a couple is ready to be thinking about marriage, then I think she is close enough to him to be frank with him, and let him know her preferences. I don't think one should DEMAND, though.. Nothing says "run for the hills!" to a guy faster than "Gimme an X size carat that will eat up your whole life's savings!" But the couple really needs to be realistic with the budget, too.

I am always sad to know a gal demands X carat, but the guy's budget can't get anything nice in that carat range. He ends up freaking out because he's stuck in a situation where he can either downsize to get a better quality stone, and risk disappointing her.. or end up with a shoddy rock that's X carat weight, and again, risk disappointing her. He ends up feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, potentially making him discouraged from proposing at all! How many times do we see that on RT?

There has to be some sort of realistic-ness to that conversation, and a conversation about priorities. If they want to wait 10 more years to get married to build up a million dollar fund, if they want to get married NOW and use just a plain band or nothing… etc etc. I guess it's the perfect first compromise that the couple can use as a model to work with for the rest of their relationship!

 

[Polished]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I like the ring to not involve men being emasculated, if the diamond isn't big enough then what else isn't considered big enough. Or the woman isn't left feeling she doesn't deserve something special at this time.

I love the "$3,000 out the door" guys, having received PS advice, who comes on here, showing off his bargain but who clearly feels proud he has something lovely for his wife to be. The last thing they'd be thinking about was the diamond not being big enough.

Equally I like the ones who spend more than they anticipate on a stone and ring but get caught up in and enjoy the process. They're not expected to get a diamond or coloured stone of a certain size they choose to do so themselves.

I like lots of different scenarios, I think it depends on the spirit in which it is done, and this might include saying what carat size would be ideal.

 

[Mara]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

Context depends as others have already said. Also I think the level of input the gal has factors in too.

Someone mentioned 'direct communication'..and when it's unseemly to have it, and if this is one of those cases. IMO something like getting engaged and married should be as direct as possible when it comes to communication, with all feelings out on the table (in a sensitive manner). We see so many women who come here and go oh this is what my fiance or husband bought and I would have bought differently if I'd known or I want to upgrade or he bought me this and he had no idea what I liked and I don't wear it, etc. I am all about communication to head off things like that. However I wouldn't say, hey I need XYZ carat or else don't bother, what kind of message does that send? I was a chronic upgrader though, and it wasn't until I had my ring that I realized I was a complete size ho.

I know a few gals who have said jokingly things like '2c or no way' and they say it in a joking manner but they kind of mean it. Thing is I also think well if the guy has gotten that far with her to be talking engagement, surely they know what their fiance is like right? Hehe. Whether it's right or wrong, I think if someone has strong feelings one way or another they should speak up or else it'll just cause issues later.

 

[Autumnovember]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I haven't read responses yet but here is mine:


I had absolutely nothing to do with the size of the diamond he got me. I never even mentioned a size I liked because I never tried any on for perspective.


I do know people who asked for certain sizes.

One was a girl in nursing school who said she wouldn't accept anything less than 2 carats.

Another is a girl I know that asked to "try" my ring on so she could see how my size looked on her. Her boyfriend was there during this and she told him she wanted a diamond my size. He didn't get her my size but he did get her a 2 carat stone.

The other person I know is my best friend. She asked for a diamond that was at least 1 carat. She did get that, its 1.2 and it's an heirloom diamond passed on from her grandmother.

Besides that, I have never witnessed anyone else asking for a certain diamond size, nor do I know of anyone that has. What I do know, is that I've had a lot of girls (my age) that would ask to see my ring and do the whole "Babe....THIS is the size I want."

I honestly don't care if a girl asks for a certain size because really, it isn't my business. I also think it really depends on how the subject is approached. If a girl is like, "the diamond HAS to be X size," then I don't think thats appropriate. If the guy is asking for input/welcomes the direction - sure, why not?!

Would I do it though? Nah.

 

[HollyS]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

"...is this rude and materialistic or not?"




Yes.

IF you and your guy are BOTH in the process to buy the most excellent stone you can afford in your price range - - and it is important to BOTH of you, then fine.

Otherwise, no discussion of what you think you deserve in carat size is appropriate. At all.

If he knows you well, and he should or you shouldn't be thinking marriage, then he has some idea of what is "good enough" in your opinion, and that's where most guys will probably start their search.

Is talking carats vs. clarity vs. color a bad idea? Not if you know he's looking, and he knows you know he's looking. My guy learned a lot, from me, before he was ready to buy.

But telling him what size or price you expect him to buy? Yeah, you aren't in this for the guy. If you can't see yourself marrying him without any bling at all, don't get married.

 

[distracts]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I didn't think to tell a carat size either. All I said at first was that I wanted a sapphire. It was him who decided that what I was initially looking at wasn't "good enough" and that we had to go bigger/better with the center stone and add side stones for a three-stone ring (I wanted the pave). But I was the first out of my friends to get engaged, and most of his friends were already married, so I think he was trying to stay in the size of what their wives have, whereas I had no such social circle to emulate. I know he showed several of his friends' wives the ring before proposing to make sure it was okay (even though I had picked it out).

I set the budget for the ring, kind of at a random number because the rings I initially picked out my fiance complained made him feel cheap, and I started guessing at numbers until I hit one that didn't make him roll his eyes. At the time, we had only been together for six months, so I didn't know much about his finances and had never bought anything even remotely expensive (especially with someone else's money!). When I fell in love with the particular setting and sapphire that I did, I was so disappointed that together they were $1000 over budget. I kept trying to tell the jewelry man that we couldn't get it. My fiance was SO exasperated with me and just bought the ring over my "no! the budget!" objections, because he knew it was the perfect one. In retrospect, knowing more about his finances and his attitude toward money, I imagine he initially expected to spend two to three times as much on an engagement ring as he did. The "appraisal" from the store had a value of twice what we paid, and he is INSISTENT that that is the ring's true value, and I am pretty sure he's that way because the budget I set STILL makes him feel like he cheaped out.

 

[pancake]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

We chose everything together and fortunately had very similar tastes, but when it came to the size of the stone it was partly a budget thing and partly what we liked the look of when I tried them on. DH really didn't know what the budget "should" be but he named an arbitrary figure and we worked with that. My stone and ring came in quite a bit under the budget in the end; initially I admit I had thoughts of "I should have gone bigger!" but that quickly wore off and I really love my rings, their proportions, and the way they look on my finger. I ended up with more expensive wedders than I otherwise would have (got a plain band and two eternities) but that was an afterthought.

I would never have told him that I "needed" > [size] though!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I'm not sure when the size becomes so large that it becomes "materialistic." I did have a size in mind and color/clarity as well and got what I wanted! My diamond is, in PS terms, probably unacceptably small to most... so I don't have to feel it was materialistic of me to get the size I didn't demand a HUGE stone. Also, I offered to contribute to the costs because we were very young/early 20s.

One of my friends said she'd take no less than 1 ct, but was proposed with a half carat and happily married w/that!

 

[gem_anemone]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I didn't tell my husband the size carat (I thought) I wanted. In the back of my head I figured 1 carat would be our target, but I didn't really voice it to my husband. Isn't that what most girls think about before they know? However, I had never actually seen a 1 carat diamond with my own eyes and I had no idea what it would cost. Neither of us knew what to expect when we went to try on rings and the only thing we had was a vague budget that we talked about before we left the house not knowing the 4C's that went along with it. When we realized how little we could get with our original budget at the quality I wanted (which I discovered when we were out shopping was eye clean, low color, ideal cut, certified); we upped the budget to get a bigger stone as neither of us were happy with 1/2 carat solitaire. I still went with quality over quantity as I ended up with 3/4 carat rather than 1 carat as a compromise to an already bulging budget. I didn't even try on 1 carat for fear of lusting for that once it was on my finger...... Oh and of course this all happened before I knew about PS. Now I learned we could have gotten a higher color diamond that would be white at the same carat for less money online, but I still love my "E" color...

If you add up my ering and my wedding band it's almost 1 carat, so in my mind that is how I made it there

 

[kenny]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think if both partners are okay with her telling him he has to buy a certain size it's none of my beeswax.
People vary.
I try to avoid imposing MY values onto others.

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think that this depends on your relationship with your SO.

I am patiently waiting for said engagement ring but when the subject first came up we discussed a budget as i had my heart set on a T&Co novo (pre-pricescope ). He was comfortable with 12,500. I found this lovely site and decided i was not comfortable with his spending that much money and get a smaller stone and not much in preformance. I lowered his budget to 10,000. I have now switched to an AVC and whatever he gets with that money is OK by me. I know i am still not going to be getting a huge stone but i am in love with the AVC and it is QUALITY that i am after! I was perfectly happy with the .74 novo that i tried on...so anything around 3/4 and up is a bonus to me .

 

[Skippy123]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

..

 

[snoopkat]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I think something that is proportionate to one's finger size is more important than a certain carat size.

 

[blackberry16]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I told my DH that I thought that I would like at least 1/2 ct if he were going to select a solitaire. If that was out of budget, then I wanted a diamond band. Coverage wise, I thought that anything smaller than 1/2 ct wouldn't make sense on my finger. I think that the bride gets input on the ring but requiring things outside of a groom's budget is tacky.

 

[TaterTots]

Re: Telling your boyfriend he has to buy a certain carat siz

I never really guided him in what size stone to get me when we got engaged and married 15 years ago but I ended up with a 1ct princess cut and I loved it. But then when this past spring we were married 15 years I did tell him I thought I should have something in the 2ct + range and I ended up with a 3 stone total 2.50ct. It ended up perfect and I couldn't be happier. But I don't think a girl should ever feel bad for telling what she wants, but she should always keep in mind if what she's asking for is with in budget.