Thank you card for people who didn''t send gifts?

[ivanadiamond]

Hi everyone,

Did you send Thank you cards to people who attended your wedding that didn''t bring gifts? I never did and now I wonder if that was rude of me to not write a Thank you for attending our wedding card...it''s been 5 months since the wedding, I could still write them...

Any thoughts?

 

[ammayernyc]

You should write them and thank them for attending your wedding.

 

[ivanadiamond]

I think you are right~ better late than never

 

[lmurden]

Be the bigger person and be gracious and send them a thank you card maybe you''ll shame them into sending a gift.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I still cannot believe some people didn''t bring gifts. What are these people thinking? I am sure I will get a few people like that too (wedding is not until Aug) but it still shocks me.

 

[ivanadiamond]

The funny part is that several people called us last minute and asked if they could bring guests and we said yes to all. And none of them sent gifts either. To be honest, we were suprised that a large group of our friends actually didn''t send us any gifts. It doesn''t matter though, we were spoiled and blessed by so many and are not lacking in any thing by any means. But it still was a little weird. None of these people are poor by the way, fairly well off to be quite honest...but I should have sent a thank you card to every one.

I can see the card now, "thank you for your present, oops I meant and presence"

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 1/13/2006 4:47:59 PM
Author: ivanadiamond
I can see the card now, 'thank you for your present, oops I meant presence'

OMG - I love that! Not that I would be able to do it, but it is fitting. I don't understand people who do not bring gifts to a wedding - I send gifts even if I am invited and I don't go. If I get an invite, I send a gift whether I'm going or not. To show up and not give a gift - the ultimate in rude, especially considering how much a wedding costs.

A coworker of mine came to my wedding and didn't bring a gift...fast forward 11.5 months later, for her baby shower. I seriously contemplated going but not bringing a gift. 2 days before the baby shower (and almost a year after my wedding), she hands me a wedding gift. Coincidence? I think not...

 

[flopkins]

Date: 1/13/2006 4:47:59 PM
Author: ivanadiamond


I can see the card now, ''thank you for your present, oops I meant and presence''

HAHAHAHHA....... oh, if only I had the guts... although my wedding''s not for a few months I''m SURE there will be a few...

 

[ivanadiamond]

I think that all the married couples sent gifts and most of the still dating couples didn''t....maybe has something to do with it?

 

[JCJD]

A thank you note should be reserved for those occasions when you are thankful for whatever you're thanking the person for, not used as a manipulation device. To do so would be ruder than not giving a gift, IMO. If you truly appreciate their presence at your wedding, it would be appropriate (and very very nice) to send a thank you note. If you want to send thank you's to try and guilt them into sending a gift, I'd rethink your motivation.

 

[ivanadiamond]

JCJD,

The insertion of the card was just a joke, not to be taken seriously. I think the posts are all just poking fun...

We sent out thank you cards starting even before the wedding as we got gifts because I wanted to make each one personal and not let too much time go by without thanking them, but now that 5 months have passed since our wedding I wasn't sure if you are supposed to send thank you cards for gifts or thank you cards for attending our wedding, or both...anyway, I started writing them this weekend and hopefully will get them out by the end of the week. I feel bad that it finally dawned on me and I need to get crackin'

 

[DonaBella]

I feel its very gracious to thank all of your guests for making the time to attend your wedding...especially if it was truly important to you that they came, whether they brought a gift or not...I have to say it IS in poor taste and bad manners to come to a wedding and reception and bring a little something, even if is nominal like a gift card...It is expected and it is not bad to anticipate gifts, especially when one is getting married and you invite those special people to share this time with you.

I DO like the "presents vs. presence" comment...but, it wouldn''t be in keeping to being gracious and all that...darn funny though!!!

 

[MINE!!]

Hmmm. I actually think it is slightly rude to expect a gift from someone. Thus the name "gift." To say that they should bring a gift cause you invited them.. well did you invite them cause you wanted another gift? or because you wanted them to be there? It is the former.. well I think one should rethink how they pick the people that are coming to their "special" event. People that have to come from far away.. for exmaple, we have people coming from London, single moms and those that are not really made of money... and to EXPECT a gift from them.. well that is just rude and selfish. These people are coming because you wanted them to share this day with you, they are taking a moment out of their time to be with you, cause they cared enough to come when you asked them to?

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 1/16/2006 10:42:45 PM
Author: MINE!!
Hmmm. I actually think it is slightly rude to expect a gift from someone. Thus the name ''gift.'' To say that they should bring a gift cause you invited them.. well did you invite them cause you wanted another gift? or because you wanted them to be there? It is the former.. well I think one should rethink how they pick the people that are coming to their ''special'' event. People that have to come from far away.. for exmaple, we have people coming from London, single moms and those that are not really made of money... and to EXPECT a gift from them.. well that is just rude and selfish. These people are coming because you wanted them to share this day with you, they are taking a moment out of their time to be with you, cause they cared enough to come when you asked them to?

True, people are not invited just because someone wants a gift from them, but it is customary to give a gift to a couple at their wedding and to show up and not do so is rude, period. I had people travel across the country to come to my wedding and personally, I think that''s gift enough. Their trip was not cheap and I did not expect them to bring a gift in addition. That they did so was very generous, but not expected. However...under more normal circumstances to show up without a gift is rude, and completely lacking in manners.

 

[just_looking!]

You could always thank them for the pleasure of their company and if it was someone who really helped out with the preparations, then maybe you could pop in a reference to that too?

Hope that helps!!

 

[njc]

Ivana - you are making me feel bad! I think it is really nice that you are doing that and will be a wonderful surprise for your guests. But honestly, im not writing any more thank you notes. Some of the people who did not give a gift at the wedding gave nice, over the top shower gifts, so i can totally understand not giving a wedding present too and they got thank yous then. For everyone else... Im glad they came, i didnt expect a gift, Im just being pure lazy!

I already wrote 125 individual and very personal notes... im not writing another 25.

 

[Caribou]

I don''t think people should expect gifts when it comes to their weddings or baby showers. I mean most likely they will get them but you have to consider that some people just can''t afford to bring a gift. Their presence at the wedding should be gift enough. My good friend from HS got married and had a kid when I was 23....I was struggling then and couldn''t afford to give her anything so I didn''t. I felt really bad but she understood. Now that I''m planning my wedding, all gifts I will get will be appreciated but not at all expected.

 

[ivanadiamond]

I completely agree that one shouldn''t expect gifts for showers, weddings, etc. but I do think that it is pretty customary to send one when you attend a wedding. No, it isn''t expected, yes their company is absolutely gift enough, but the question wasn''t should I expect a gift from these people, but rather was I supposed to send a thank you card...which I am.

The reason I even asked is because I know that people have up to 12 months to send a gift so I just didn''t know if you waited 12 months (which seems way to long to then send a card) or do you just send one and thank them for coming.

Thanks ladies for all your great input!!!!!!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 1/17/2006 8:19:02 AM
Author: njc
Some of the people who did not give a gift at the wedding gave nice, over the top shower gifts,

That''s another good question.....are you suppose to give wedding shower gifts and wedding gifts?

I never have, I always thought that was the point of getting a shower, do receive gifts then.

 

[ivanadiamond]

That is a good question. I have never been to a wedding shower. I have been to bridal showers and I buy something for the bride and I have also been to engagement parties and have typically not brought a gift except for some nice bubbly or wine usually from the year they are getting married. And lastly I have been to bachelorette parties where we usually give some funny type of gift or lingerie, but when do people have wedding showers usually? I missed out

 

[Caribou]

Date: 1/17/2006 1:02:50 PM
Author: ivanadiamond
That is a good question. I have never been to a wedding shower. I have been to bridal showers and I buy something for the bride and I have also been to engagement parties and have typically not brought a gift except for some nice bubbly or wine usually from the year they are getting married. And lastly I have been to bachelorette parties where we usually give some funny type of gift or lingerie, but when do people have wedding showers usually? I missed out

I think wedding showers and bridal showers are the same...I think.

So I would say they usually occur 2-3 months before the wedding. I''m just guessing..never been a bride before.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 1/17/2006 12:33:47 PM
Author: Caribou

That''s another good question.....are you suppose to give wedding shower gifts and wedding gifts?

I never have, I always thought that was the point of getting a shower, do receive gifts then.

I give a gift for the wedding, whether I attend or not, if I am invited.

For the bridal shower, I also bring a smaller gift, but only if I attend the shower.

I thought this was proper etiquette? I''ve always grown up seeing this done, and that''s how I''ve done it...

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 1/17/2006 3:54:45 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 1/17/2006 12:33:47 PM
Author: Caribou

That's another good question.....are you suppose to give wedding shower gifts and wedding gifts?

I never have, I always thought that was the point of getting a shower, do receive gifts then.

I give a gift for the wedding, whether I attend or not, if I am invited.

For the bridal shower, I also bring a smaller gift, but only if I attend the shower.

I thought this was proper etiquette? I've always grown up seeing this done, and that's how I've done it...

Fire Goddess, I'm with you. I give a wedding gift regardless of whether or not I'm there. I give a smaller gift for the shower if I attend it. And then I give a significant gift for the wedding, even if I have attended the shower. I've even sent gifts for weddings I haven't been invited to--work acquaintences, etc. in which case I will just pick something small off their registry.

In NYC, we usually give money as a wedding gift so I'll normally buy something off the registry for the shower and then give a check for the wedding. I have never thought that the shower gift replaces or counts as the wedding gift.

 

[appletini]

I don''t think you should expect the gift thats what showers are for, but I don''t think you need to thank them for coming to your wedding, they should thank you for buying their dinner and drinks for the night.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 1/17/2006 4:19:30 PM
Author: appletini
I don''t think you should expect the gift thats what showers are for, but I don''t think you need to thank them for coming to your wedding, they should thank you for buying their dinner and drinks for the night.

I''m with you....that''s what I always thought showers were for. I always assumed the gifts taken to the actual weddings were from people who couldn''t attend the shower.

 

[FireGoddess]

I''ve attended weddings in NY, NJ, NC, TX, and CA....and the wedding gifts and shower gifts have always been 2 separate things....the people who bring gifts to the wedding are the ones who didn''t just have them sent to the bride and groom directly. But those have nothing to do with shower gifts, in all the weddings I''ve been to or been in.

 

[FireGoddess]

So...I looked this up, because I was curious. Here''s what I found...


The Etiquette of Giving
It is customary to celebrate joyful events in life by, among other things, gift giving.
And weddings are absolutely no exception! From the time the engagement is announced until the
last guest has left the wedding reception, the gift giving opportunities are abundant. Here are
some general things to keep in mind when giving and receiving gifts during the wedding and pre-wedding festivities.

Engagement Parties, though not mandatory, are a wonderful way to announce your upcoming nuptials. Guests invited to the engagement party are not obligated to bring gifts. They may choose to, especially if the purpose for the party is known ahead of time. If presents are brought to the party, you may not want to open them in front of the whole group, so as not to single out guests who did not bring gifts. The more formal an engagement party is, the more the implication exists that gifts are expected. If you do not wish to burden your guests with the obligation of bringing a gift, you can always make the announcement a surprise! Presents that come after the nnouncements are made should be recognized with a "thank you" note.
Wedding Gifts can be sent out as soon as guests receive invitations. Most couples register with two to three stores. Traditionally couples registered for china, crystals, or glassware, but today they can register for just about anything! The fine china and linens are still popular at department stores like Macy''s, but with specialty stores such as Crate & Barrel, and national chains like Target also offering gift registries the range of products becomes very broad, including unconventional items like sports equipment, or patio furniture. Gift registries are useful, but by no means mandatory. It is considered presumptuous to list wedding registries in your invitations. Guests who wish to find out where the couple might be registered should ask someone in the wedding party, a family member, or other people who are helping out with the planning. In other words, you rely on word of mouth rather than telling your guests directly where they might find a gift for you. Completing a registry can be helpful, but guests should not feel they must purchase something from your registry. Some people may still prefer the element of surprise when giving a gift, or might have something personal in mind to give to the couple. Contrary to popular belief, there is no calculable amount of money each person attending
a wedding should spend on a wedding gift. It is not the amount of money spent on the reception divided by the number of guests. A gift should be a token of affection, and is not intended to pay for the wedding. However, to not send a gift altogether is in poor taste. A wedding invitation carries with it an obligation to send a gift, even if you cannot attend the actual wedding. Depending on your relationship with the couple, the gift can be small,or something more substantial. When sending out invitations, keep in mind that guests who are invited may feel the
need to send a gift whether or not they can attend. So it might be a good idea to send just wedding announcements to those who live far away and may not be able to make it. If for some reason the wedding is cancelled, it is absolutely necessary to return the gifts.
The Bridal, or Wedding Shower is the next occasion where gifts are purchased for the couple. The shower is typically thrown for either just the bride, or as is more and more popular, for the bride and groom together. Shower gifts can be elaborate, or very casual depending on the type of gathering. The tone is usually set by the hosts, and communicated to the guests in the invitation. Showers are usually smaller, more intimate get-togethers for close friends and family. Legend has it the first shower was thrown for a couple deeply in love, but lacking the money to marry. Their friends and family got together and "showered" the couple with gifts to help them start their new life together. Today, the tradition lives, but it''s more of an opportunity for friendsto gather with the pre-nups before their big day. Gifts for a shower generally do not come from the wedding registry, although it is okay if they do. The host of the party should specify in the invitation what kind of shower is to take place. Often those who plan a wedding shower opt for a theme. The theme serves to bring focus to the day''s events, and can be anything related to the couple''s interests such as a hobby, a favorite film, or a beloved vacation spot. One practical theme idea is the honeymoon destination. For instance, if the newlyweds plan to honeymoon in Venice, have an Italian themed shower! Instruct guests to bring gifts that are related to the theme. These can be travel books, English-Italian pocket dictionaries, luggage, etc. Extend the theme to the food, wedding favors, music, and decorations. Even games and entertainment can be connected to the theme. Hopefully by the end of the shower everyone will have had fun, and the bride and groom will be better prepared for their trip.

------------------------------------------

I frequently do buy the shower gifts off the registry, unless I''ve found something very fitting for the person in the meantime.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 1/17/2006 4:47:03 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I''ve attended weddings in NY, NJ, NC, TX, and CA....and the wedding gifts and shower gifts have always been 2 separate things....the people who bring gifts to the wedding are the ones who didn''t just have them sent to the bride and groom directly. But those have nothing to do with shower gifts, in all the weddings I''ve been to or been in.

FG, as usual, I agree with you! Not everybody who is invited to the wedding is invited to the shower. I had 25 WOMEN at my shower and I''m having 150 men and women at my wedding. Shower gifts and wedding gifts are 2 distinct things, they should not be lumped in the same category. People who bring gifts to weddings chose to not have them sent. They have nothing to do with the shower.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 1/17/2006 5:15:12 PM
Author: curlygirl

FG, as usual, I agree with you! Not everybody who is invited to the wedding is invited to the shower. I had 25 WOMEN at my shower and I''m having 150 men and women at my wedding. Shower gifts and wedding gifts are 2 distinct things, they should not be lumped in the same category. People who bring gifts to weddings chose to not have them sent. They have nothing to do with the shower.

CG, that''s a really good point that I completely forgot to say!!! - not all people invited to the wedding are invited to the shower...they''re 2 separate events and so are the gifts. I too had about 200 people at the wedding, only 30 at the shower.

 

[tanyak]

Another perspective, I live in N.C. and nearly every shower I''ve attended has been a coed shower. They don''t have any themes or anything, so people just buy off of the wedding registry. And usually, that''s all the couple gets. A lot of people can''t afford to buy what are essentially two wedding gifts. I guess you can split the cost between the two gifts, but I guess that''s up to the gift-giver.

As for the OP, I would only write the thank you if you sincerely want to thank them for coming to your wedding.