The death of a child

[Gypsy]

I'm not even a parent and this is my nightmare, literally, I've had nightmares about this.

I just can't imagine how the parents feel. I'm so sorry honey. How absolutely awful. You can't watch them every minute of the day.

 

[Sky56]

My husband had a co-worker from many years ago who last week something similar happened to him...a death of a small child in their yard...he's the grandfather. A tragic accident of a different kind (something accidentally falling on the child). This grandfather who caused the accident is now in a mental hospital, he is so consumed by grief.

And someone who is friends of a friend lost a young child last year, heads were turned for a minute and the small boy drowned in a creek during a family summer camp out.

What is the answer? I never had kids. Would a child 6 years and under have to be watched every second of the day? (not counting the times when you and the child are asleep) It seems it should be that way, but is it impossible? These boys were 5 and 6 years old.

With your story, the fact that she was watching more kids than she was supposed to made for a dangerous situation.

It is so sad. Hugs to you!

 

[rosetta]

This is the worst thing ever.

My mother in law has never recovered from the death of her 2 year old son who died in his sleep many, many years ago. I feel there is no greater loss a person can face.

I'm so very sorry soxfan and slc. Big hugs to the both of you.

 

[lknvrb4]

I can't even imagine the grief the parents are going through, I truly am sorry for your loss. I am a licensed home daycare provider and in no way is it legal (in daycare licensing rules) to leave a child inside while others are outside or vice versa. The provider made a bad choice and now she is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life, I feel bad for her too.

 

[tyty333]

Big hugs to you and everyone in your community. The grief must be overwhelming.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I'm so sorry. Neither side will recover.

This. The parents are I'm sure inconsolable, and the daycare provider will have this on her for the rest of her life. I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain both sides are in.

 

[momhappy]

My husband had a co-worker from many years ago who last week something similar happened to him...a death of a small child in their yard...he's the grandfather. A tragic accident of a different kind (something accidentally falling on the child). This grandfather who caused the accident is now in a mental hospital, he is so consumed by grief.

And someone who is friends of a friend lost a young child last year, heads were turned for a minute and the small boy drowned in a creek during a family summer camp out.

What is the answer? I never had kids. Would a child 6 years and under have to be watched every second of the day? (not counting the times when you and the child are asleep) It seems it should be that way, but is it impossible? These boys were 5 and 6 years old.

With your story, the fact that she was watching more kids than she was supposed to made for a dangerous situation.

It is so sad. Hugs to you!

There is no answer because accidents happen. You can't protect your kids from everything. Even the most diligent of parents, childcare providers, etc. can still be "on duty" when an accident happens and it only takes seconds in some cases. I don't think that it's necessarily fair to place blame (unless someone has truly been negligent) because no parent, childcare provider, etc. is present for every second of every day. Heck, when we were kids, we'd be all over the neighborhood and I don't recall any parents ever checking on us (let alone standing around and watching 24/7). I don't really think that watching 5 kids is that crazy - some parents have 5 children (or more) and obviously, they are not required to have a license to care for them. I believe in this particular case, some of the children in the woman's daycare were somehow related (maybe cousins?). I've been outside with my kids playing and have run inside to get the phone, etc. and this same type of accident could have happened to me - it could have happened to any one of us. Clearly, there needs to be an investigation and I can certainly understand the need for licensing when it comes to providing a safe, nurturing childcare environment, but I'm sure that this woman will live in her own personal hell for the rest of her life...

 

[4_cs]

Accidents can happen to anyone. I’m sure we have all had our share, but nothing of this magnitude. I know people who have lost children to accidents of all kinds. But just because something is an accident does not excuse someone from liability. Nor does an accident imply fault. My heart goes out to all the families and neither family will ever be the same. Both families will need support. But one family lost a child and the first thing I think about when I see something on the news like this is the parents who lost a child. I know the immeasurable pain the family is feeling.

 

[Laila619]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear son, slc.

 

[Sky56]

Thanks for your reply. I almost drowned in the ocean when I was a small child during a family seaside outing. The tide kept pulling me further and further out and nobody noticed. That feeling of literally fighting for your life is something one never forgets. I was 6 or 7. With all my might, I swam back to shore, and nobody had a clue.

You are right that there is no answer, that accidents happen, even if eyes are glued all the time to your kids. Where it gets complicated is blame and whether or not it should happen.

 

[SB621]

In the last 3 years family friends have lost children to cancer, birth issues' defects, and SIDs. We have known a total of 5 children who have died. I'm not sure if what little I have done as helped but I always called, emailed and typicaly in both cases did both to check on the family. We sent food and always gave a donation to a charity in the childs name to a cause the family was close too.

As others have mentioned this is any parents worst nightmare. I know I can make it through whatever obstacle comes around in my lifetime except the death of one of my children. I'm not sure I could survive that. My heart goes out to everyone involved. Stay in touch with your co-worker. Let him know your are there to support him. I'm so sorry and I will keep the family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[MarionC]

Inconceivable. Prayers to everyone suffering from this tragedy.
I am so sorry you were so close to the situation. It makes life feel fragile and scary.
Sending loving vibes to you.

 

[packrat]

I can't even begin to imagine. My brain just can't wrap itself around it, the thought of trying to handle losing a child, or being in charge of a child who dies. Can not fathom. My dad had a younger brother who died, and I didn't know about it until I was a teenager. My grandparents never reconciled it..grampa blamed himself, gramma blamed grampa, there was no understanding/forgiveness/coming together/support. That was how we figured out why they were always so snarly/growly/mean to each other.

There's always the shoulda/woulda/coulda. Accidents happen.

 

[rosetta]

Thanks for your reply. I almost drowned in the ocean when I was a small child during a family seaside outing. The tide kept pulling me further and further out and nobody noticed. That feeling of literally fighting for your life is something one never forgets. I was 6 or 7. With all my might, I swam back to shore, and nobody had a clue.

You are right that there is no answer, that accidents happen, even if eyes are glued all the time to your kids. Where it gets complicated is blame and whether or not it should happen.

The exact same thing happened to me! I swallowed a lot of water, I was very close to drowning. I remember screaming but no one could hear me above the waves.

 

[soxfan]

Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers and responses. I'm just still numb. I heard from another close friend today that they had been unhappy with the provider for a whole, even "getting into it" with her. I am sure this is not the end of that story. My son told me the older sibling was back in school today. I think the kids affected are just focused on getting back to their routine as a comfort.

I can tell they just want to grieve privately right now (as expressed in the media) and have family here. I will keep a close eye on them in the coming weeks......

 

[Sky56]

Thanks for the update, soxfan. My prayers are with you and all suffering from this tragic loss of a child.

 

[soxfan]

As others have mentioned this is any parents worst nightmare. I know I can make it through whatever obstacle comes around in my lifetime except the death of one of my children. I'm not sure I could survive that.

My thoughts exactly. A close second is getting terminally ill and not seeing them grow up. So morbid, I know. It's cold, rainy and shitty gray here. I think once spring REALLY arrives, we might get out of this funk.

But then again, I feel like all of us who knew the family should not be so quick to move on. I feel like, out of respect, we should grieve with them. I don't know.... Maybe I wore black for a year in a former life

 

[soxfan]

Accidents can happen to anyone. I’m sure we have all had our share, but nothing of this magnitude. I know people who have lost children to accidents of all kinds. But just because something is an accident does not excuse someone from liability. Nor does an accident imply fault. My heart goes out to all the families and neither family will ever be the same. Both families will need support. But one family lost a child and the first thing I think about when I see something on the news like this is the parents who lost a child. I know the immeasurable pain the family is feeling.

You took the words out of my mouth. I am so sorry for your loss. And when the first 20 comments on the newspaper articlewere defending the provider, I was very upset....I sympathize with both sides, but the parents of that sweet little girl are first.....

 

[lioness]

I have been meaning to post but the pain is too great. I lost a baby, a newborn. Septic shock. She should have been turning six this year.

The greatest gift that one can give a parent in mourning- and the grief, by the way, lasts a lifetime - is to give them space to talk about their child, what happened, what might have been, without feeling morbid. Let the parent know that he or she is safe with you. They can can cry, remember, laugh, rail against heaven and hell and the hospital with you.

Remember, nothing you can say or do will make the pain go away. Nothing. Give us a place to externalize the pain, regardless of the form it takes, and it becomes more bearable for that day, that hour.

 

[lioness]

You are right-there is nothing worse than losing a child. I know. It happened to me just over a year ago. I will never be the same. My days are just days.Be supportive to the parents. Grief is just not emotionally exhausting but physically exhausting. Being around people takes everything out of you. People are afraid to say things to you because they are afraid they will upset you. I have had people avoid me in stores. I have people I see regularly never acknowledge my sons death. It's like it never happened. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. For me I don't want my son forgotten. I have many people who offer all kinds of support. I have people regularly ask how I am doing or how my family is doing. That is what I need. Everyone is different. Certain things can set me off without warning. Like seeing his favorite food in the grocery store. That's going to happen. The loss of a child is sad. Offer to go for a walk,bring a meal,arrange for a housekeeper, or help write thank you notes. Remember their child's birthday. I have found breakfast baskets and flowers on my doorstep. Received little notes and cards in the mail. The smallest gestures can be the most important. Just be there for your friends.

I want to reach out over the web and give you an hug. I lost a child too.

 

[LLJsmom]

Slc, I'm so very, very sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Soxfan, hugs..... Words fail...

 

[Tuckins1]

Oh my god what a tragedy! I am so sad to hear about this, it makes my heart hurt. I can only imagine if this happened to my son. My heart goes out to those parents right now. Prayers and (((HUGS)))

 

[missy]

slc4 and lioness, I am so terribly sad for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

And my heart goes out to that family who just lost that sweet child. There is no greater tragedy that can happen to parents. I am so sorry.

 

[4_cs]

Lioness my heart goes out to you.
My son was 23. He would be 24. He had just graduated from Cal and was serving in the Peace Corps. It has been online,TV and in the newspapers and a local magazine. A simple Google search would bring it up. I have had lots of help in dealing with this tragedy and there are still days I don't want to get out of bed. If it happens in your community it is shocking. You will be grief stricken. No one thinks it will happen to anyone they know. Until it does.
So soxfan your grief is normal. It hits very close to home and things like this just aren't supposed to happen. You think your kids are safe.
Everyone, thank you. Please if this happens to anyone you know,or slightly know or even just hear about, try to give support in any way possible. A card letting them know you are thinking of them. A basket of fruit or a breakfast basket on the doorstep. A gift card to the movies. Whatever you feel comfortable doing. It doesn't have to be intrusive. I have received cards and letters from all over the world,many from people who I don't know. They are comforting even if just in a small way.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

{{{hugs}}} to slc and lioness. I cannot imagine your pain. I am deeply sorry.

slc, I did just read about your son. What an outstanding young man! I know you are so proud of him. I am just so sorry.

 

[soxfan]

So the church has a meal train set up for them, and we are supposed to drop off meals at their house, so they must be seeing people here and there. Thank God. They have also approved a fundraiser to build a section of the new library in their daughter's name. I still have no info on the provider and whether or not she will face charges. I'll update if I get any more info.

 

[Roxy]

So the church has a meal train set up for them, and we are supposed to drop off meals at their house, so they must be seeing people here and there. Thank God. They have also approved a fundraiser to build a section of the new library in their daughter's name. I still have no info on the provider and whether or not she will face charges. I'll update if I get any more info.

Soxfan, thanks for posting this update! When I first read through this thread, I was really overwhelmed and actually shaken over the thought of what you'd described.

I'm glad that people are dropping off meals and that they're looking into doing something in the little girl's honor. I just cannot begin to imagine the parent's pain, but I'm glad people are at least reaching out to show them care and kindness.

 

[NTave]

Thinking of all involved. I read about this tragedy, and I was so sorry to hear of it. It must be especially hard being in a small town. I don't think that there was a "bad guy" here..just a bad set of circumstances..Im sure this same thing could have happened whether she was licensed or not..this could have happened in a large licensed daycare center as well. No one should ever ever lose a child..My thoughts are with this family.

 

[CharmyPoo]

It is awful and I feel the pain for the parents.

My husband's sister was killed by a drunk driver when she was 18. It's been over 25 years and the parents are still in tremendous pain. One of the hardest thing in this world is to lose your child.

 

[chrono]

I'm very sorry, Soxfan. A parent's love and mourning of the child never ends. When DH's younger sibling passed away as a child, his mother stopped eating for several days due to the overwhelming grief and still cannot talk about it today without a complete breakdown.