The line between precaution and paranoia for women

[Diamonds4Me]

I''m the first to admit that I am very paranoid when it comes to safety. Better safe than sorry is what I''m always telling myself. I also took firearms classes and have a concealed carry permit and I do carry. When I worked in the city we were forced to park on the faaaar end of a poorly lit parking lot away from the office in a not so nice area. I never left for home when the sun was still shining and I was often the last to leave. I always had 2 firearms on me at all times because I wanted to make sure that I could get to one or the other. And if anything ever did happen to me the chances of them thinking that I had more than one on me would have been nill. I know it sounds a little over done but as I said - better safe than sorry. And I had an incident where I had a stalker that actually came into the office and left gifts for me while I was out at lunch. The freak. I''ve been cat called to in the grocery story parking lot, a nut case in the grocery store asked to touch my hair. Then every time I turn the tv on someone has been shot or shot at, raped, abducted, etc. Pfffttt. I refuse to be a victim and if I am unfortunate enough to find myself in a threatening situation then they are going to have one major fight on their hands.

I''m not saying that carrying concealed is the only way to go. Not everyone is comfortable with that. I sure wasn''t when FI told me he signed me up. But now I feel better knowing that it''s there if I need it. I hope and pray I never do.. And I have no children so I have no worries of little hands in places they shouldn''t be. I''m sure that would bring on a whole new area of paranoia when and if that does happen. I did carry pepper spray several years ago which I thought it meant I was safe. Of course I never tested the darned thing to see if it actually worked. Then one very dark evening I walked across the campus at UNCC to see my then boyfriend (now ex) and thought I was super safe because I had my pepper spray in my hands, the button was set and I was ready to spray anyone that even thought about giving me the harry eye. It wasn''t until the following day that someone told me to make sure I tested it periodically to make sure it hadn''t dried up. Duh! Of course I had never been told that so I had to go outside and test it. Imagine my surprise when nothing came out. Thank goodness I made it safely across campus with no incident.

And now that I really think about the use of the word paranoia and your situation, I can''t say that paranoia has anything to do with it. You definitely have valid fears, as I did and do. Knowing what is going on the area and weighing the importance of something, like taking the trash to the curb at night, etc., is important. Can it wait until the morning? Definitely. Especially with the number of attacks within the past year.

Another thing that you can do is this - even if you don''t smoke light a cigarette. If they come at you then put it out in their eye!

 

[nytemist]

It is beyond ridiculous that women must go about their day thinking that in any situation, we are viewed as automatic target. Before moving after the wedding, when I had to walk home from public trasnportation, I always was on the lookout and held my big key ring in my hand just in case I had to whip it at someone''s head.

Years ago in NYC I was walking by the park in Union Square and some guy came toward me, walked by and then I could hear him say behind me ''good one to take'' I look behind me and he''s got a small knife in his hand. I shouted ''touch me and I hurt you *&%$&#*#^#'' He took off running. I think it may have something to do with my size- I''m not a small girl so I will put up on hell of a fight.

In the past 2 weeks alone, in Boston a couple of women have been sexually assaulted while at the Esplanade, a guy talked his way into a 67-year-old''s home claiming to be a utility guy and raped her (they just arrested him) and in Pelham N.H. yesterday a guy broke into a home and assaulted a woman.

We as women haver good reason to be paranoid. I''m not saying that all men think this way, but the belief that we are weaker and men should just take advantage of us when they choose is still widely accepted. How pathetic and sickening is that? This is kind of touched on in the other thread "of you have gotten inappropriate comments from men''. People do it because they think they can get away with it. So many women were raised to be timid, quiet, accomodating or even submissive and a crimminal will make sure to search for that type. It''s sad this is what I (we) have to think about everytime I go out at night, go anywhere by myself, are home alone, or even were a skirt/dress.

 

[Independent Gal]

First, a couple of statistics: 1) women are attacked astronomically more often by people they know, whether that's rape, assault, or murder 2) young men are the victims of violent crime astronomically more often than women are.

Yet, we're still the ones who are afraid, and we're far more afraid of strangers.

My strategy is to take precautions up to the point where it starts to seriously affect my quality of life. Locking the door immediately costs no time or effort. Walking the three blocks home from my local pub late at night is something I'll do now and then, if not doing it means I can't go out (having FI around now means this will happen less often).

 

[diamondfan]

That terrrible home invasion in Chesire has me spooked. Family was seen shopping and followed home, men entered through an unlocked cellar door. In my current home I nixed a basement entry, too insecure to me, and in my new home I am a tad nervous because we plan a walk out lower level. Too bad Maya is an indoor dog and not a guard dog!

They thought the family had money and so targeted them. I always tell my sitters and household help not to dicuss things about our lives. When people ask if we are going away, my nanny says no. Of course, better to be out, it is only stuff, but still would prefer to avoid it. It would be hard to be here if someone ever did that, not sure I would feel safe ever again. This was just a terrible tragedy. For a moment I wonder why the dad was not killed, hate to say it seemed odd they would leave the man, who was stronger and could have gotten out and harmed them, but these were just two really sick and terrible criminals who should have never seen daylight. Now at least they will not.

There have also been some follow home car jackings in my very nice area, so please always be aware if you see a car that seems to be still near you. Call 911, do not go to your home, and just be aware overall. I know when we come home from the beach we are unloading and in and out of the car, and it is dangerous if you are distracted and wrangling kids and dogs and luggage.

 

[Laura Kearns]

I hear that loud and clear! Don''t know where you live (sorry just started with the whole forum thing so if it says somewhere on your profile I''m obviously clueless as to where...) but I live in NYC. I believe a healthy dose of caution is necessary regardless of where you live.

Some things that definitely help a woman distance herself from the "prey" appearance.

~ Walk fast and confident, head up and alert but not appearing to be scanning the place like a scared rabbit.(You''d be surprised how even the most "paranoid" woman can have a careless moment when her guard is down.)

~ Have a pepper spray or mace handy (I have a lipstick and pen look alike just in case, you''d be surprised at how much confidence just knowing you have a little handy "defense weapon" can translate into your demeanor.)

Personally I even carry a little knife or two for real emergency situations (*shh don''t tell anyone

) and when I walk at night I always wear my leather bracelets with 1 inch sharp studs, hey, just in case...

It''s good to be careful and yet still enjoy going out without any fear...heck if it would make you feel better, I''d say every woman should also have a little self defense martial art form under her belt.

Cheers ladies!

 

[lizardofaz]

There have been many excellent suggestions in this thread for overcoming fear and paranoia. In my situation, the BEST thing I ever did was get involved in martial arts. I learned so many things about myself in training: I could keep calm when necessary, I could hold my own against the guys, I could take a hard hit and keep on fighting... The more you train, the more the self-defense techniques become second nature and you don''t have to worry if you''ll freeze up if attacked. You won''t. It has given me an inner peace and confidence because I know that I will (and can) do everything possible to defend myself or my loved ones. I''m not saying that I''m never nervous in certain situations....that''s intuition coming into play. I''ve learned to trust my instincts - and I believe that has helped me avoid potentially dangerous situations.

 

[divergrrl]

Date: 7/2/2007 2:52:56 AM
Author: OUpeargirl
I used to think I was too cautious, until I was attacked in September.

I was running through this trail that runs through a park on a Sunday afternoon. It was paved, tree lined, and there were always plenty of people running, walking, or riding bikes down the path. I had on my i-pod and I guess I wasn''t paying as much attention as I thought... A man jumped out of the bushes, grabbed me, and kept saying ''I can''t wait to have me a little blonde girl.'' Luckily, I kicked him where it hurt and got away, but many women have not been so lucky. I never thought I couldn''t feel safe during the day on a public walk, but I wasn''t. Be careful ladies!

This crud freaks me out. I''m so glad you were able to flee safely.

I used to run alone, ipod in ears, but decided, even though I live in a Mayberry esque burb of a city, that its still inhabited by people good and bad.

This makes my dog very happy, now I always run with her (I prefer running solo, but truly she in better shape than I). She''s an intimidating looking german shepherd, so people will cross to the other side of the street if they see us coming.

That brings up my german shepherd. We got her when some druggies moved in next door. (adult son of the homeowner, not much we could do about a 44 year old loser livin'' in mama''s house). I felt so unsafe that I installed an alarm system & got a dog with a reputation of being a police dog. Granted, I''ve always liked the breed, but she is tough as nails and very protective. She sleeps on a dog bed next to my bed & has full run of the house.

Still, when I have the kids out in our jog stroller or out shopping, I carry pepper spray. I also have a key fob with a panic button for my alarm system under my pillow at night with a can of pepper spray attached to it. I hide it when I get up so my son won''t find it, but it does suck to feel vulnerable. But that just pi$$es me off. It makes me mad that I feel on edge as I load my kids & diaper bag, stroller etc into my car. It makes me mad that I do it as fast as I can so as not to be a sitting duck in a parking lot with 2 children. It makes me mad to know that mommies with small kids are targets even in broad daylight.

Oh well, I''m in "code yellow'' as Storm''s article described it, and dh and I have decided we will always have a german shepherd. They scare people and I like that. Today I had groceries delivered and mine stayed at my hip staring at the guy.....kind of a Clint Eastwood moment...."go ahead, make my day". Its just unnerving to be on the business end of that stare...because they don''t bark or growl (or more) unless needed, they just stand there and size ya up.

 

[Po10472]

8 or 9 years ago I had just slit up with my ex-fiasco and moved into my own flat which was in a dodgy area of the city centre. My life had just been turned upside down so I wasn''t making the best decisions at that time for me. My place was robbed 3 days after I moved in but I still stayed there. A friend and I had gone out clubbing and were walking to my place, as no taxi would take us because it ''wasn''t worth their while'' it was so close so we had no alternative but to walk. Now the sangria and tequila had been flowing all night and I will admit that I was slightly more than tipsy but my friend was plastered. So we''re walking up the steep hill which runs down from my street and there was a grabrail along the wall which my friend was holding on to and she had my arm - my friends and I always walk arm in arm. This guy suddenly appears out of no-where and pushes himself in between my friend and the grabrail. So we stop, he''s like ''hello ladies, did you have a nice night, etc etc..........'' my spidersense what screaming at me and I immediately sobered up. He then said goodnight and headed up the road in front of us. He got to the top of the road and disappeared, at this point I''m scanning the area to see where he went cos there were lots of buildings and shadows and I didn''t like it. So by this point I''m nearly carrying my friend and we''re just about at my door when he appears again. Grabs my friend and forces himself on her trying to kiss her, he gets her to the ground and she''s helpless at this point, this is a matter of seconds........I flipped, went mental and grabbed him, don''t know where I got the strength, punched him straight in the face and started screaming at him and scratched him, he got the message and ran away.

What really really scared me was the fact that there were 2 of us and he still attempted to take us on and that his intentions were purely sexual. It was also right outside my place.........I decided to cut my losses and move in with my folks then.

What I did regret was my friend begged me not to go to the police because she was so embarassed that she was so drunk and she wouldn''t have been able to describe him. I didn''t pursue it and I still regret it. My friend won''t talk about it.

What I learned, no matter what, I get a taxi home, a lift or I drive........I tend to drive everywhere now. To be very vigilant, this guy was watching us in the shadows and pounced when our backs were turned and no matter what, tell the police, get it noted.

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m a HUGE fan of a little self-defense knowledge. Part of my childhood was spent in and around Dallas, TX. My mom was raped when she was 13, so she took all of her experience and trasferred it into "what may have worked" prevention. I was never in any "uncomfortable" situations while I was there.

However, when i moved to a town of 200 people, I was attacked by a neighbor while I was in my own yard. This guy came up from behind me and pushed me down in the foilage along a railroad track that ran past our house. He was reaching for my pants as I was reaching in my coat pocket. I''ve never been a smoker, but I''ve always carried a lighter. As he was laying on me, I flicked the lighter on in his face. I burnt his eyebrows and that skin pretty good. He howled and jumped off of me as one of my guy friends was passing by. My friend liked to have killed him. He left town immediately. Luckily, I wasn''t hurt-just pissed!

My three best friends have all been raped (while in high school.) One was raped by a neighbor whom she was friends with. (she was 14 and a virgin) She was gang raped a few years later. There were two guys who raped her repeatedly over about 12 hours. Another friend was date-raped. And, yet another friend was raped by an unknown assailant who had a knife. She was raped in a school parking lot. All of these girls are intelligent and have taken precautions for their safety. It just seems that sometimes, it''s not enough.

It''s ludicrous that this happens so often in our countries. So-called "advanced".