The more you ask; the longer it will take

[Keepingthefaith21]

I am VERY curious ladies:

How many of you have been told by your SO that the more you ask or hint the more he pushes the engagement back?

I am especially interested in the opinions of LIW’s who have not had a say in their ring and are otherwise uncertain of a proposal date, time, year etc.

How did you react to this statement?

 

[Erin]

Yeah, my ex used to say this all the time. Turns out it didn''t matter. He wasn''t ready to get married (or married to me) and this was his way of avoiding the topic. Just made me want to give him the silent treatment on all fronts.

I think a girl can be too nagging and thus would prompt a guy to say, God stop already. However in my case it was a clear (hindsight) case of ''I don''t wanna talk about it'' and this was his method for keeping me hopeful without actually doing anything about it.

Just my perspective though.

 

[decodelighted]

It sounds like something a parent would say to a petulant child ... and, were it said to me (an adult) by another adult -- I''d interpret it as condescending, disrespectful & insulting.

 

[MoonWater]

This was never said to me. But I never nagged about a proposal. We discussed marriage in a general way for years but it wasn't until the last year and a half we became more serious about it. We had already planned to wait until I graduated (Spring 09) and I mentioned I would like to be engaged for a full year which meant it would have to happen by the Fall of 2008. My bf was completely fine with it and we looked at rings this past summer and decided on White Flash a few months ago. I still don't know when the proposal is going to happen, but it will happen no later than the Fall of 2008.

But recently I've been nagging because I'm just really excited about the final product of the ring (finished the CAD about a week ago). I'm sure now I'm getting on his nerves but this hasn't changed the plan at all. We're really committed to each other.

 

[tberube]

Ugh. My ex used to say that. It was infuriating. I never had anything to say to it, though. I just shut up. I think that was part of his way of controlling me. Eventually, though, I stopped letting him. It's not fair to play games like that with someone. What if you did that with sex? He'd be out the door in a month. Engagement and marriage is supposed to be, in my opinion, one of the biggest things that you two do together, an absolute bonding experience that involves nobody else in the world.

My experience with my current FH was quite similar to MoonWater's. I did my best not to nag, but he was also forthcoming with information and was willing to discuss weddings and time frames, etc. I didn't help my fiance "pick" my ring, but he cared a lot what I liked, after all it was going to be MY ring to wear. FH says the ring was the smallest symbol of our future life together so to him, his opinion of the style was minimally important. FH and I do things together, we're both in on everything and fairness & equality are superiorly important to both of us.

 

[TravelingGal]

Looks like so far for those of us who did get engaged, our men didn''t say that.

I think saying, "Honey, I am putting some thought into this, I love and do want to marry you, but can you give me some breathing room so I can enjoy this process and surprise you?" is OK to say.

To say what you posted sounds vindictive and unhealthy, but I''ve heard it a bit here on LIW so maybe the others can chime in and say how it turned out for them. There was a gal here who really had it tough with the wait and her bf said this a lot because she''d throw fits. All of the sudden she came back and said she was engaged, and then has not been seen - never posted the ring or started asking about wedding planning. The cynic in me wonders if she really did get engaged.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

No way, he did ask me to cool it once he had the ring so it didn''t go down like this....

"I wish you''d propose already"

"Fine, here ya go".

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:07:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Looks like so far for those of us who did get engaged, our men didn''t say that.

I think saying, ''Honey, I am putting some thought into this, I love and do want to marry you, but can you give me some breathing room so I can enjoy this process and surprise you?'' is OK to say.

To say what you posted sounds vindictive and unhealthy, but I''ve heard it a bit here on LIW so maybe the others can chime in and say how it turned out for them. There was a gal here who really had it tough with the wait and her bf said this a lot because she''d throw fits. All of the sudden she came back and said she was engaged, and then has not been seen - never posted the ring or started asking about wedding planning. The cynic in me wonders if she really did get engaged.

Ooh ooh oh, I wish I could recall who this was as I thought the same thing

runs to search threads....

 

[kellybelly]

i can definitely speak to the fact that the more you ask, the longer it feels like its taking. but my day is coming very soon, so i''m done with asking!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Is this it TG?

 

[Aloros]

My guy has never said that. I can understand why someone might say that if their lady was being a real nag about it, but if not, that seems like a really manipulative thing to say.

How long are you expected to sit around and not say anything? For people who are used to articulating their needs (which is healthy, I think!), this is agonizing! You say something about your needs, and your needs are automatically not met. You don''t say anything, and there''s a big chance they may never be met. What kind of torture is this? It''s a catch-22, really.

People hint about what they want for Xmas and for their birthdays, and I''ve never heard anyone say, "Well, now I''m not going to get that for you...it wouldn''t be surprise!" So I''ll hint away, thank you very much. As long as it''s done in good humor, with a wink and a nudge, why not?

 

[Cleopatra]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:16:28 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 11/26/2007 2:07:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Looks like so far for those of us who did get engaged, our men didn''t say that.

I think saying, ''Honey, I am putting some thought into this, I love and do want to marry you, but can you give me some breathing room so I can enjoy this process and surprise you?'' is OK to say.

To say what you posted sounds vindictive and unhealthy, but I''ve heard it a bit here on LIW so maybe the others can chime in and say how it turned out for them. There was a gal here who really had it tough with the wait and her bf said this a lot because she''d throw fits. All of the sudden she came back and said she was engaged, and then has not been seen - never posted the ring or started asking about wedding planning. The cynic in me wonders if she really did get engaged.

Ooh ooh oh, I wish I could recall who this was as I thought the same thing

runs to search threads....

If memory serves me correctly...that poster was Leoslove. I remember because I always thought of Leonardo DiCaprio when I saw her name...weird huh?

TGal - I have to agree with you....I thought she''d be the first to run to the computer to show off her long-awaited-bling. She was getting quite restless.....

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:24:48 PM
Author: Cleopatra

Date: 11/26/2007 2:16:28 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 11/26/2007 2:07:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Looks like so far for those of us who did get engaged, our men didn''t say that.

I think saying, ''Honey, I am putting some thought into this, I love and do want to marry you, but can you give me some breathing room so I can enjoy this process and surprise you?'' is OK to say.

To say what you posted sounds vindictive and unhealthy, but I''ve heard it a bit here on LIW so maybe the others can chime in and say how it turned out for them. There was a gal here who really had it tough with the wait and her bf said this a lot because she''d throw fits. All of the sudden she came back and said she was engaged, and then has not been seen - never posted the ring or started asking about wedding planning. The cynic in me wonders if she really did get engaged.

Ooh ooh oh, I wish I could recall who this was as I thought the same thing

runs to search threads....

If memory serves me correctly...that poster was Leoslove. I remember because I always thought of Leonardo DiCaprio when I saw her name...weird huh?

TGal - I have to agree with you....I thought she''d be the first to run to the computer to show off her long-awaited-bling. She was getting quite restless.....

Not saying who it was...no need. Just making a point.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:30:36 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 11/26/2007 2:24:48 PM
Author: Cleopatra

Date: 11/26/2007 2:16:28 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Date: 11/26/2007 2:07:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Looks like so far for those of us who did get engaged, our men didn''t say that.

I think saying, ''Honey, I am putting some thought into this, I love and do want to marry you, but can you give me some breathing room so I can enjoy this process and surprise you?'' is OK to say.

To say what you posted sounds vindictive and unhealthy, but I''ve heard it a bit here on LIW so maybe the others can chime in and say how it turned out for them. There was a gal here who really had it tough with the wait and her bf said this a lot because she''d throw fits. All of the sudden she came back and said she was engaged, and then has not been seen - never posted the ring or started asking about wedding planning. The cynic in me wonders if she really did get engaged.

Ooh ooh oh, I wish I could recall who this was as I thought the same thing

runs to search threads....

If memory serves me correctly...that poster was Leoslove. I remember because I always thought of Leonardo DiCaprio when I saw her name...weird huh?

TGal - I have to agree with you....I thought she''d be the first to run to the computer to show off her long-awaited-bling. She was getting quite restless.....

Not saying who it was...no need. Just making a point.

Point enough. Hey, you want me to photoshop your earrings on to your ears....LMAO

 

[Erin]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:24:17 PM
Author: Aloros
People hint about what they want for Xmas and for their birthdays, and I''ve never heard anyone say, ''Well, now I''m not going to get that for you...it wouldn''t be surprise!''

Actually, this IS how my ex operated. I mentioned once that I used to love when he surprised me with flowers. My birthday was coming up in a few weeks and his response was, ''Well, I was going to surprise you with flowers for your birthday but I guess you just blew that.'' And of course I didn''t get flowers for my birthday, or at all until after we broke up then I had to call him and say, Stop it! Too late! Quit wasting your money.

 

[sunnyd]

my ex used to say something to that degree...i showed him pictures of rings i liked, diamond shapes, sizes, etc. all were met with blank stares and okays. it really made me angry. he had no concept of what these things cost!! after 4 years together, 3 of which included talk of getting engaged, several new cars bought by him, a condo, a house...need i say more? he obviously wasn''t ready to get married, which ended up being a good thing, because i left and found my amazing BF, who, despite eye rolls whenever i bring up the subject

, actually includes me in future plans to be together forever! imagine that...

i should have found this site months from now...because i''m too excited too soon!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:37:42 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone

Point enough. Hey, you want me to photoshop your earrings on to your ears....LMAO

Ha...I''ve actually considered doing it myself!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:39:28 PM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 11/26/2007 2:24:17 PM
Author: Aloros
People hint about what they want for Xmas and for their birthdays, and I''ve never heard anyone say, ''Well, now I''m not going to get that for you...it wouldn''t be surprise!''

Actually, this IS how my ex operated. I mentioned once that I used to love when he surprised me with flowers. My birthday was coming up in a few weeks and his response was, ''Well, I was going to surprise you with flowers for your birthday but I guess you just blew that.''

ACK!!! That would be MADDENING! It''s the same kind of logic some guys use to explain cheating too. "Well ... you already suspected me, so if I was going to get BLAMED for it anyway -- why not DO IT?" The "blame others at any cost/accept no personal responsibility" mentality.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

hehe,


thread jack...TG How do you get a moving Avatar?

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree with Deco. If anyone ever said to me that I was not allowed to talk about an important collective life decision with him, and that if I mentioned it again he would punish me by ''grounding'' me from a proposal, I would tell him where he could stick his proposal and his condescending attitude. I won''t say where exactly that is, on account of this is a nice polite forum. But I will tell you it ain''t seen a lotta sunshine.

 

[TravelingGal]

Iwanna, there are a lot of sites with animated gifs. Just save it like you would a jpeg and upload.

Sorry for the threadjack KTF!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

LOL! No problem!

I was actually really pleased to see other people here having the same suspicions as I in regards to the immaculate engagement

And learning how to do an animated avatar...I''m psyched about that one too!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Awesome, thanks.

Oh, sorry KTF....

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/26/2007 3:02:56 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
LOL! No problem!

I was actually really pleased to see other people here having the same suspicions as I in regards to the immaculate engagement

And learning how to do an animated avatar...I''m psyched about that one too!

Well, I''m not sure we are really helping you, since most of us so far had a say in our ring and knew that the proposal was imminent.

I do recall some stories where there was a bit of LIW agony, but the LIW and her man had good, productive conversations and did get engaged. For the life of me, I can''t recall a story where the LIW didn''t know anything, was told what you are asking, and then did get engaged. I am sure there are some stories around here though...maybe others can think of who they are.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 11/26/2007 3:09:26 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Well, I'm not sure we are really helping you, since most of us so far had a say in our ring and knew that the proposal was imminent.

I do recall some stories where there was a bit of LIW agony, but the LIW and her man had good, productive conversations and did get engaged. For the life of me, I can't recall a story where the LIW didn't know anything, was told what you are asking, and then did get engaged. I am sure there are some stories around here though...maybe others can think of who they are.

At this point T-Gal I know where I stand with him. He isn't ready, that's for sure.

I just have to figure out the best way to explain to him that I am ready without him flipping out thinking it's just because we aren't engaged (it goes well beyond a ring and heads into communication and working as a couple and not two individuals). I need to make sure he sees the entire picture and knowing that comments such as this are not normal only helps me to formulate examples of why I am upset and why I am chosing the path I'm heading down.

Consider your stories and examples my ammo

 

[decodelighted]

If it''s ammo you want, ammo you''ll get! But I just wanted to say that I don''t really think you *need* to validate whatever decision you make to anyone else but yourself. Unchosen partners need to look within themselves as to what went wrong and what they could have done differently. Explanations - no matter how logical & legitimate - may not satisfy.

 

[mimzy]

i'll admit, my SO has said that to me

but he also says that whenever i ask about anything,from dinner to an owed backrub.

actual conversation, 1, 3, 5, and 9 months after my birthday:
me: so when am i going to get my birthday card?
him: are you serious? i had it downstairs and i was going to give it to you, but you ruined the surprise so now you have to wait.
me: riiigghhtt.

i'm still waiting on the birthday card

it's always in jest. i would never take him seriously.....because he is never serious. coupled with the fact that i did have a say in the ring (sorta) and i have a timeline, i'm not too worried

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/26/2007 3:48:12 PM
Author: mimzy
i''ll admit, my SO has said that to me

but he also says that whenever i ask about anything,from dinner to an owed backrub.

actual conversation, 1, 3, 5, and 9 months after my birthday:
me: so when am i going to get my birthday card?
him: are you serious? i had it downstairs and i was going to give it to you, but you ruined the surprise so now you have to wait.
me: riiigghhtt.

i''m still waiting on the birthday card

it''s always in jest. i would never take him seriously.....because he is never serious. coupled with the fact that i did have a say in the ring (sorta) and i have a timeline, i''m not too worried

OK, so you didn''t get the card...and I can see how that''s in jest....sorta. But what about backrubs, dinner, etc. When he SAYS stuff like that, does he follow through with the "punishment"? Because whether you take it seriously or not, that doesn''t sound healthy...

 

[mimzy]

Tgal - haha, no, he never follows through. he just knows i''m impatient and likes messing with me (i.e. asking if dinner is done thirty seconds after he started it). and he hasn''t given me the card yet because he has yet to buy one

(don''t worry, i got the present, just not the card

)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/26/2007 4:00:10 PM
Author: mimzy
Tgal - haha, no, he never follows through. he just knows i''m impatient and likes messing with me (i.e. asking if dinner is done thirty seconds after he started it). and he hasn''t given me the card yet because he has yet to buy one

(don''t worry, i got the present, just not the card

)

Phew.