The more you ask; the longer it will take

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:07:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

There was a gal here who really had it tough with the wait and her bf said this a lot because she''d throw fits. All of the sudden she came back and said she was engaged, and then has not been seen - never posted the ring or started asking about wedding planning. The cynic in me wonders if she really did get engaged.

The cynic in me was getting that same sense, too.

I can see where a man would start to feel that constant nagging would dampen his enthusiasm for proposing, but that''s not the same as saying "the more you bug me about it, the longer I''ll make you wait."

 

[Erin]

I remember one conversation I basically rehearsed in my head before I just blurted it out one night. I was not one for nagging - I just thought it was unfair of him to just swing and sway through a relationship for five years without ever having the guts to have the marriage talk without IMMEDIATELY turning on the WingT defense. I said

Look. You can avoid this conversation all you want to but I''m not going to. I wanna know if you''re even thinking about marriage and yes that''s something I need to know. I have been nothing but straightforward with you about how I feel - and I know you know that''s true - and I can honestly sit here and say I don''t know how you feel. These are the things that I want in life. If you don''t want them too, I need to know. If you are certain you do, but you don''t know when, then this also is something I deserve to know. And if you are on the same page as me then let me know so I don''t have to keep re-hashing this conversation that only ends in an argument because you''re too scared, or reluctant, or uncertain to talk about it. You want me to stop asking every three months? Then answer the question just once - even if it''s not what I want to hear.

Then we broke up four months later. Thank goodness.

 

[isaku5]

Just seeing how many ex''s have heard the same line would be enough for me!!! I''d be outta there as fast as I could run.

, and if you could manage it without hurting your foot, kick his butt to the curb (Thanks, Dr. Phil) while you''re leaving.

Nobody should be spoken to like that....ever!!

 

[Delster]

Date: 11/26/2007 11:51:47 AM
Author:Keepingthefaith21
I am VERY curious ladies:


How many of you have been told by your SO that the more you ask or hint the more he pushes the engagement back?


I am especially interested in the opinions of LIW’s who have not had a say in their ring and are otherwise uncertain of a proposal date, time, year etc.


How did you react to this statement?

I''ll be honest here keepingthefaith. In the past, on other threads, when you''ve mentioned this thing your BF does where he says if you keep asking, he''ll keep pushing the proposal back, it have felt irritated at him. Irritated on your behalf if you like. But I never said anything as you hadn''t asked for advice and I figured he deserved the benefit of the doubt as he might have been messing in the same was as mimzy''s FI was.

Truthfully, if my BF said something like that to me it would spark a very serious conversation, very pronto.

I''m wishing you lots of luck and sending you lots of strength and resolve and peace vibes for when you talk to him. Whichever way this pans out, you will be in a better position. You deserve the best and we''re all rooting for you here!!!

 

[tberube]

Date: 11/26/2007 2:46:27 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I agree with Deco. If anyone ever said to me that I was not allowed to talk about an important collective life decision with him, and that if I mentioned it again he would punish me by ''grounding'' me from a proposal, I would tell him where he could stick his proposal and his condescending attitude. I won''t say where exactly that is, on account of this is a nice polite forum. But I will tell you it ain''t seen a lotta sunshine.

SO well-said.

 

[tberube]

Just another note I must add since reading more of this thread. Punishing you for your impatience by "pushing back" the engagement (whether or not it''s an excuse for laziness and procrastination) smells of "I''m your boss" syndrome. It speaks to me of larger things, which is the REAL reason I broke up with my ex. Everything always went his way, and it was because he looked down on me, as a person he needed to lead, to teach, to control. He tried to be my "father figure," and no matter how many conversations we had where I tried to explain my problems with this, he never got it. He just never would see me as an equal with him in our relationship, which is the big reason we had to break up.

This may not be the case at all for you and beau, but if it sounds the same, this may be your best explanation of why you feel the way you do. Not because of some damned piece of frozen spit you don''t have to show off, but because he doesn''t take your needs and desires seriously, the way you probably do for him. Your relationship has become one-sided, and you''ve fallen off the other edge. You''ve lost all reigns in the relationship. THAT is the red flag to watch for.

I will keep up the faith, KTF. And I''m free for a drink on Friday night. If you need it.

 

[KimberlyH]

If you''re asking "Are you going to propose?" every 10 minutes I''d tell you you needed to back off but I am under the impression, from this and previous posts, that you simply seeking to have an adult conversation about where you are headed as a couple, how you both feel about it and what you both want and need to continue on in the relationship.My husband never said this to me, if he had, and meant it, we would have had a big problem on our hands. Marriage is not what it was 100, 50, heck even 10 years ago, and marriage is now much more a joint decision than a guy pickin'' a gal who will wait for him to ask. Not to be redundant but I think it''s totally unreasonable that you aren''t allowed to discuss such a major life decision with him.

 

[iheartscience]

I agree with Deco and IndyGal...a statement like this is very condescending, and it kind of just seems like he''s putting you off and it seems rather controlling. My fiance never said this to me and I really would not have liked it if he did.

I hope you do what''s best for you...just remember not to put your life on hold for anyone!

 

[DMBsGirl]

Well my FF has said similar things to me. However, we have discussed marriage and he promised me a proposal would happen this year. He mainly reacts this way when I have one of my outbursts/angry fits about being a LIW. According to him, had he proposed in the last 4 months, it would have been within a week of an outburst. Basically he doesn''t want the proposal to be following one of these fits, so as not to seem like the proposal stemmed from me complaining that it hadn''t happened yet and I can understand why he would feel that way. But that is easier said than done, I know the end is near but it doesnt make waiting any easier when I have REALLY wanted a proposal for over a year now!
However, if you''ve never had a REAL discussion about when or even IF a proposal will happen, I can understand why you would be unhappy and constantly bringing it up.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Two words: stalling. tactic.

He''s not close to being ready and is shifting the blame to you. This didn''t happen to me (I would have been out the door EVEN FASTER!) but we did have the "I feel too much pressure" convos and I quickly realized that a man who isn''t ready can give you 1,000 excuses. Just remember that his not being ready has absolutely nothing to do with you or your behavior, so don''t even think about letting him manipulate you into thinking that if you acted differently, you''d be engaged.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 11/26/2007 11:51:47 AM
Author:Keepingthefaith21

How many of you have been told by your SO that the more you ask or hint the more he pushes the engagement back?

How did you react to this statement?

HI:

I would seriously question the integrity of a man who would be so cavalier with my feelings as to make such hurtful statements. I''m sorry, but at best such a comment is childish, punitive and vindictive.

It has always been my understanding that an engagement is not a "reward". Please correct me, as I am always happy to be wrong.

cheers--Sharon

 

[ringster]

keepingthefaith - please keep the faith! like many have already expressed, unless you are asking him every day about proposal/marriage then i really don''t think it is unreasonable for you to want to have an adult conversation about this.

and if he isn''t ready - then he could give you a mature reply however what you''ve told us so far about his reply does not sound like it is a mature one and his reasons are not considerate of you and the relationship that you both have. his response stinks and frankly i wouldn''t put up with this kind of talk with regards to a serious topic as your future together. my FI has similar reasoning about things like haircuts or what he is wearing - if he treated a serious talk about marriage like i was asking him to get a haircut, let me tell you ... he would not have had a chance with a great catch like myself ;P

 

[Hera]

I used to have an exboyfriend that used to say this. He''s still single and alone.

 

[designchica]

It sounds pretty controlling and mentally abusive to punish you for bringing up the topic of marriage. Granted, talking about marriage may very well be stressful for him but to be completely unwilling to discuss an important topic with you indicates a lack of care/love for you and to punish you for bringing it up sounds downright abusive, manipulative, and controlling.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

While my SO did indeed make such statement it wasn’t to my face. In fact, I probably never should have been told through the grapevine that he said something of that nature. It would have been better left being said to my face because now I can’t even talk about it with him without violating another persons trust.

Either way, the discussion is going to happen and he is simply going to have to deal with it. He can be mature and answer me like an adult or he can give me an immature answer telling me he’s going to push engagement off every time I ask about it (which for the record I am NOT a hound about at all). If he is bold enough to make such an absurd statement, I’ll simply let him know he no longer has to worry about me asking because that was the last time. It’s all pie to me because I’ve made up my mind. The only way my decision could possibly be altered is if he steps up to the conversation like an adult and is actually willing to have a mature discussion about what path we are on.

We have set aside the entire evening this Friday for each other. It will be up to him how he chooses to handle the conversation. For my peace of mind, it is completely necessary for me to voice my opinion to him.

With all that said, I am picking up my new kitten tonight and am so so so excited to have a distraction from this situation at least for a night or two! Sometimes the mind just needs a break and the heart needs a re-fill

 

[mimzy]

good for you, KTF.

good luck on friday! although it doesn''t sound like you need it

 

[Pandora II]

You definitely deserve an adult conversation about this.

The not knowing which way your life may go because someone doesn't have the balls to say either way is awful - and not fair.

I did sit my FI down and have a serious conversation after we had been living together for a year and a half. He told me that he didn't believe in marriage and then burst into tears. When I asked what the matter was, he said that he was terrified that I would leave him, that he wanted to be with me for ever, but he really wasn't sure about marriage.

I just said that that was something he needed to work on, but he needed to reach a decision in the next year as I wanted children, wouldn't have them outside marriage and if he truly loved me he would have to get over his very justifiable fears or let me go.

I was engaged within six months.

Never, at any point did I not get a serious answer to my questions. I was terrified that he would call my bluff - as I was so happy with him that I would have come to terms with a 'non-marriage' permanent relationship, but going back on a statement like that can adjust the equality and respect in a relationship.

He's still not into the marriage idea (parents had a very messy divorce when he was 14 which had a huge impact on him but that he refuses to acknowledge caused him any unhappiness in any way), but wants to make me happy and will do whatever it takes.

Get that man to step up to the plate - or leave the boy behind, because you will deserve better.

Good luck on Friday - I hope you get the answer that is ultimately best for you.

 

[TravelingGal]

I agree with Pandora.

In TGuy''s and my situation, it was a bit reversed. I was completely scared of marriage and a commitment phobe. My parents just had their 40th anniversary. I say "had" instead of "celebrated" because that''s exactly what it was. It was pretty much an unhappy marriage and now my mom is just taking care of my sick dad as he refuses professional care and my mom has to do things like feed him (literally) and throw out his piss bottles.

But at some point, you have to let go of your fears. TGuy dropped his life and moved across the ocean to be with me. I daresay that many of us women do a lot to be with our men (OK, maybe not that obviously drastic, but still sacrifices nonetheless) and that should be considered by your partners. I love TGuy and his faith in me helped me put aside my suffocating fears and go for it. After all, if we really loved each other (which I hear all the time by LIWs on this board) and want to be with one another exclusively, what is really the worst that can happen within the context of marriage? Divorce? Big deal, and not that scary, considering detangling a cohabitated life is pretty darn close in the messy department, and at least in marriage you have LEGAL rights and boundaries.

IMHO if the love is really there, the excuses of not wanting to go into marriage are cop outs. If both don''t believe in it, great. If one does...well...the other''s got some thinkin'' to do.

 

[ringster]

good for you keepingthefaith! best of luck on friday and remember what you need from a relationship and what your dreams are for your life.

like travelinggal, the roles were a bit reversed in the beginning of my relationship with FI ringster. i was the committment phobic one but my fears went away after time when i realized how much i cared about my FI and how much he cared about me and how we were a good fit -- complementing and bringing out the best in each other. when i actually brought up marriage and future plans i found that he was just waiting for me to be ready. if he hadn''t been able to make a plan for the future, i was ready to seriously reassess our relationship.

take care of yourself KTF!

 

[luckystar112]

Good for you KTF!

Hopefully he sees the "bigger picture" and doesn''t think that you''re just mad because you aren''t engaged yet.

 

[princesss]

I''d smack him in the face and stomp on his foot.

I mean, if he were to treat me like a three year old, I might as well act like one.

In all seriousness, I think men that use this excuse are terrified and not ready. And if they''re not ready but you are, it''s time to move on. It sounds like you have a handle on how you want your life to go, and it also sounds like you''re strong enough to stick to that. Good for you, and I hope this is all resolved (either way) tomorrow.