The Sad Truth

[Dancing Fire]

First off, I am a guy. I guess theres not many guys posting on this forum... anyways, I do have something to look forward to as I age. If you cant tell from the OP, I am young. I have luckily stashed enough money to buy a decent sized diamond, not small or large, though probably significantly larger than peers around my age. I DO NOT intend on upgrading my wife's engagement ring in the future because I feel like an engagement is a symbol of my dedication and commitment to her. If I upgrade, I would be changing my original commitment, which I do not intend to do. However, I do intend on upgrading the wedding band as we age. This will reflect the growth and development of our marriage. As the wedding band upgrade will cost significantly less than an e-ring upgrade, I will try to save up my money so that when I am old and wrinkly, my children will be able to afford a BIG engagement ring the first time and not be shackled by their income and so they can follow the same standards I intend on using. This is just my opinion.

don't tell her about no upgrading,cuz she might upgrade the bf..

 

[merilenda]

As someone who works with older adults, I find this to be a bit offensive. Glad most people have taken it in stride, but adding a disclaimer saying "Remember, I love old people" doesn't make it okay to make age-biased comments.

 

[Circe]

It's nice that you want to leave something for your kids, but, frankly, I wouldn't want my folks, or his folks, to contribute to the e-ring: in the absence of something like a family heirloom, the e-ring is usually a sign of two young people starting their lives together ... not of two young folks and a slightly-too-involved set of in-laws starting their lives together.

See, what many people do is get a larger anniversary ring, and then offer their original ring as an heirloom to the kids to do with as they see fit ... but then you're back in big diamonds+unsightly wrinkles territory. It's a conundrum!

BTW, when you get old and wrinkly, are you planning to become an ascetic with few worldly possessions so as to not taint the beauty of earthly goods with your decaying presence, or will it be enough to enjoy what you've earned if you shroud yourself so as to guard the innocent eyes of others?

 

[Haven]

First off, I am a guy. I guess theres not many guys posting on this forum... anyways, I do have something to look forward to as I age. If you cant tell from the OP, I am young. I have luckily stashed enough money to buy a decent sized diamond, not small or large, though probably significantly larger than peers around my age. I DO NOT intend on upgrading my wife's engagement ring in the future because I feel like an engagement is a symbol of my dedication and commitment to her. If I upgrade, I would be changing my original commitment, which I do not intend to do. However, I do intend on upgrading the wedding band as we age. This will reflect the growth and development of our marriage. As the wedding band upgrade will cost significantly less than an e-ring upgrade, I will try to save up my money so that when I am old and wrinkly, my children will be able to afford a BIG engagement ring the first time and not be shackled by their income and so they can follow the same standards I intend on using. This is just my opinion.

Dude, seriously--they're just rings.

Your behavior is the only important representation of your dedication and commitment to your future wife. Your ongoing behavior is the only important reflection of the growth and development of your marriage.

It's nice to infuse things with symbolism, but when it comes down to brass tacks, it's your actions that really count.

Let's hope your beloved thinks exactly as you do, because it doesn't seem like you're at all interested in *her* opinions on these matters.

 

[Aoife]

It's nice that you want to leave something for your kids, but, frankly, I wouldn't want my folks, or his folks, to contribute to the e-ring: in the absence of something like a family heirloom, the e-ring is usually a sign of two young people starting their lives together ... not of two young folks and a slightly-too-involved set of in-laws starting their lives together.

See, what many people do is get a larger anniversary ring, and then offer their original ring as an heirloom to the kids to do with as they see fit ... but then you're back in big diamonds+unsightly wrinkles territory. It's a conundrum!

BTW, when you get old and wrinkly, are you planning to become an ascetic with few worldly possessions so as to not taint the beauty of earthly goods with your decaying presence, or will it be enough to enjoy what you've earned if you shroud yourself so as to guard the innocent eyes of others?

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Kilops]

I am really surprised by your responses. From the sound of it, girls prefer to have a smaller diamond to start the marriage but upgrade down the road? That seems easier to do (from a guy's perspective) than start off big and dont upgrade. I can tell you it is very difficult to buy a large diamond when you are young without help from parents or others older than you. This is why I have to spend a significant portion of my money on this e-ring, which actually would hinder or postpone my honeymoon until I can rebuild my net worth.

 

[TravelingGal]

I am really surprised by your responses. From the sound of it, girls prefer to have a smaller diamond to start the marriage but upgrade down the road? That seems easier to do (from a guy's perspective) than start off big and dont upgrade. I can tell you it is very difficult to buy a large diamond when you are young without help from parents or others older than you. This is why I have to spend a significant portion of my money on this e-ring, which actually would hinder or postpone my honeymoon until I can rebuild my net worth.

No, girls want to be consulted because marriage is a partnership. Check with yours...your mileage may vary.

 

[Circe]

I am really surprised by your responses. From the sound of it, girls prefer to have a smaller diamond to start the marriage but upgrade down the road? That seems easier to do (from a guy's perspective) than start off big and dont upgrade. I can tell you it is very difficult to buy a large diamond when you are young without help from parents or others older than you. This is why I have to spend a significant portion of my money on this e-ring, which actually would hinder or postpone my honeymoon until I can rebuild my net worth.

... I think it depends on the girl, dude. You'd have to pry my e-ring out of my cold, dead hands, but I'd never object to an anniversary ring: I know other women don't even want anniversary rings because they'd prefer to spend the money on vacations, or the house, or the kids, or just bank it, and yet other women who quite happily upgrade a little bit at a time every other year! You'd sort of have to talk to your GF/wife periodically to see where she stands - don't forget, with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom, opinions can change.

P.S. - I'm young. I just find the arrogance of youth in our society to be breath-taking. Had to offset the belief that it was only the people who were being directly insulted who might protest ....

 

[manderz]

I've found that photographs can be deceiving. They make my hands look much older than they really are, and therefore, I'll not judge what someone else's hand looks like until I remember what a macro photograph does to mine.

 

[TravelingGal]

.

P.S. - I'm young. I just find the arrogance of youth in our society to be breath-taking. Had to offset the belief that it was only the people who were being directly insulted who might protest ....

Well, I'm not really "young", but I'm going to always stubbornly believe I'm young - thereby being blissfully ignorant that I have wrinkly hands. I'm also going to be a mutton in lambwear too, so young people can deal with it!!

 

[merilenda]

I am in my 20's and getting married in September. My FI and I finished grad school last year and were not in the place to afford a large diamond. I currently have a 0.71 ct AVC, which I love. We were able to afford it, and I love that there is a great upgrade policy with GOG. I have every intention of upgrading. Probably not this year, as we are paying for the wedding ourselves and already have a lot of expenses. But maybe next year. It depends on the person - I'm sure upgrading is much more common in the PS world than the "real world." But the ring is a ring. I wear it as a symbol of commitment to my FI and from him. But the commitment won't change when I buy a larger diamond.

And yes, I would much prefer starting with a smaller ring and upgrading to trying to overextend ourselves financially to buy a larger diamond right off the bat.

Marriage is a partnership. Maybe you should find out where your SO stands on this issue instead of just making a decision and persuading her that whatever you think is right.

 

[Kilops]

Please understand I have no intention of insulting anyone, young or old. My OP just wanted to point out an observation and I am a guy that likes to challenge norms. This is why I developed this plan for my relationship. Also, I WILL CONSULT my gf/future wife on this matter. I just can't discuss it with her until I propose and get married. If an upgrade is really important to her, I would be okay with it. Plus, I agree with the earlier post that opinions change as people develop more wisdom. I assume when I get older, my views could differ but as of now, this is my opinion.

Side note: GF told me she wants the biggest diamond possible, regardless of the brand. Thats all she mentioned.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I am really surprised by your responses. From the sound of it, girls prefer to have a smaller diamond to start the marriage but upgrade down the road? That seems easier to do (from a guy's perspective) than start off big and dont upgrade. I can tell you it is very difficult to buy a large diamond when you are young without help from parents or others older than you. This is why I have to spend a significant portion of my money on this e-ring, which actually would hinder or postpone my honeymoon until I can rebuild my net worth.

they prefer to start with a big diamond then upgrade to a BIGGER diamond down the road..

 

[merilenda]

Why can't you discuss it with her until you propose and get married? I don't see any reason why you couldn't find out what her preference would be prior to buying a ring, as her opinion might influence the ring that you purchase. The proposal could still be a surprise.

 

[Kilops]

Everyone wants a ferrari to start and upgrade to a space rocket but thats kinda hard to do.

Discussing it with her would at the very least that I intend on proposing. I want this to be a total surprise.

 

[Circe]

Please understand I have no intention of insulting anyone, young or old. My OP just wanted to point out an observation and I am a guy that likes to challenge norms. This is why I developed this plan for my relationship. Also, I WILL CONSULT my gf/future wife on this matter. I just can't discuss it with her until I propose and get married. If an upgrade is really important to her, I would be okay with it. Plus, I agree with the earlier post that opinions change as people develop more wisdom. I assume when I get older, my views could differ but as of now, this is my opinion.

Well, then! Glad to know it's a presentation issue and not the contempt for the elderly that it seemed to be at first. You should definitely be proud of yourself for getting such a nice ring for your GF - just, you know, without necessarily denigrating anybody else!

P.S. - I'm young. I just find the arrogance of youth in our society to be breath-taking. Had to offset the belief that it was only the people who were being directly insulted who might protest ....

Well, I'm not really "young", but I'm going to always stubbornly believe I'm young - thereby being blissfully ignorant that I have wrinkly hands. I'm also going to be a mutton in lambwear too, so young people can deal with it!!

T-Gal, I always thought we were peers! So perhaps I'm approaching mutton-hood myself ....

Eh, I can live with it. It implies that there might be big diamonds in my future!

 

[TravelingGal]

T-Gal, I always thought we were peers! So perhaps I'm approaching mutton-hood myself ....

Eh, I can live with it. It implies that there might be big diamonds in my future!

Circe, maybe we are? I'm 38. I don't consider that "young", but definitely approaching middle age. I think my body feels older post child...I even tried on a pair of "not your daughter's jeans" the other day, but they looked awful on me and I felt I wanted to deny the fact that I could even be wearing jeans that made mention of a daughter. So then I bought some hipper jeans, and thought...hey, what if I don't REALLY look good in these? I mean, at what point IS a woman going muttonesque without knowing it? Hm.......

 

[Dancing Fire]

... I think it depends on the girl, dude. You'd have to pry my e-ring out of my cold, dead hands, but I'd never object to an anniversary ring: I know other women don't even want anniversary rings because they'd prefer to spend the money on vacations, or the house, or the kids, or just bank it, and yet other women who quite happily upgrade a little bit at a time every other year! You'd sort of have to talk to your GF/wife periodically to see where she stands - don't forget, with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom, opinions can change.

P.S. - I'm young. I just find the arrogance of youth in our society to be breath-taking. Had to offset the belief that it was only the people who were being directly insulted who might protest ....

and for some women...every other month..

 

[merilenda]

Please understand I have no intention of insulting anyone, young or old. My OP just wanted to point out an observation and I am a guy that likes to challenge norms. This is why I developed this plan for my relationship. Also, I WILL CONSULT my gf/future wife on this matter. I just can't discuss it with her until I propose and get married. If an upgrade is really important to her, I would be okay with it. Plus, I agree with the earlier post that opinions change as people develop more wisdom. I assume when I get older, my views could differ but as of now, this is my opinion.

Well, then! Glad to know it's a presentation issue and not the contempt for the elderly that it seemed to be at first. You should definitely be proud of yourself for getting such a nice ring for your GF - just, you know, without necessarily denigrating anybody else!

Right! I guess I don't see how his statement is any different from saying "I think large diamonds look better on white people. Remember, I love people of other ethnicities though!"

Anyway, I try to stay out of PS debates, but I just find the whole thing to be pretty offensive.

To the OP: if you really don't want to talk with her directly about it, then maybe try to get one of her friends to start a conversation with her about it. That way you get an idea of her thoughts on the issue.

 

[Kilops]

Her friend encourage me to buy a large diamond and says that I will have more money down the road to buy an even larger diamond as an upgrade.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Wow, this has been an entertaining thread!

To kilops, I would say that it is great if you can get her a diamond now that she will be happy with forever. I still have my original 1 ct. diamond so did not actually upgrade it, but for my 30th anniversary my husband offered to get me a new diamond ring, and that happens to be how I ended up on PS. Even though we could have afforded more, I just got a new 1.6 ct. diamond because that is the absolute max I would be comfortable wearing in my little world. And the old ring is there for any of my children if the wish to use it for an e-ring, so I am not against that idea as long as it is the adult child's decision with no influence from me.

I happen to think a pretty diamond is pretty no matter the hand it is on, so I am thankful to have such a beautiful diamond to enjoy the rest of my days! And I hope when you are ready to buy one you will allow us to help you, because we DO know how to pick great ones! Just be sure you know what shape she prefers or else stay safe with a round.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Everyone wants a ferrari to start and upgrade to a space rocket but thats kinda hard to do.

Discussing it with her would at the very least that I intend on proposing. I want this to be a total surprise.

don't do it unless you know exactly the ring style and the diamond shape that she prefers.

 

[JewelFreak]

I can tell you it is very difficult to buy a large diamond when you are young without help from parents or others older than you. This is why I have to spend a significant portion of my money on this e-ring, which actually would hinder or postpone my honeymoon until I can rebuild my net worth.

Maybe you're setting your standards too high, Kilops? Is this demand from you or from your GF? Do you know if she really cares? How 'bout asking her? Postpone the wedding till you can afford a fancy (I presume) honeymoon, hmmmm.....sounds like you have a bad case of superficial values, honey.

I admit to being one of the wrinkly-hand crones, although when we got married I fit your criteria just fine, hardly a pucker in sight. But get this: I didn't have an e-ring. We couldn't afford anything I wanted to wear, so I did without -- I wasn't marrying the ring anyway, was marrying the guy. We didn't take a honeymoon right away either. His parents came from Holland to the U.S. for our wedding, so we stayed home to entertain them -- or we could've taken them along on a honeymoon, I suppose.

Love the girl. Give her yourself. You'll find a big honker doesn't make you more valuable to her. When you are indeed old & wrinkly, rocking with her while your kids spend your money on diamonds, that will matter when you look back over the years. Stuff won't.

--- Laurie

 

[Kilops]

I feel like I opened up pandora's box here... Its such a heated debate... Honestly, I think her friend has already told her since she has been giving me hints on going to Tiffany and pointing to the exact style of ring she wants.

 

[Haven]

You seem to be pretty set on following your own ideas about things, but please, for the love of bling, listen to your GF's friend about what type of ring she wants, and buy a ring that fits the description. You do not know better than your GF about what will make her ideal engagement ring.

 

[tradergirl]

I'm probably old enough to be your mother, sweet cheeks but you would never know it by looking at my hands. I thank MY mother everlastingly for urging me to be independent, earn my own money to buy the things I want, including bling, so that I can be free to ignore superficial fools who foist their "opinions" on those of us who know better. I feel for your GF. Do you plan to let her off the leash a few times a day to tinkle in the back yard?

 

[Kilops]

You make it seem like I dont ask her opinion on anything. She told me the style of diamond she wants and said to go with the biggest diamond possible. If I had my ways around it, I would just tell her the budget and have her pick it herself. However, since I am buying it, I am already following her instructions to the letter. My only input was I did not want to upgrade as I gave my reason why I dont intend on upgrading. However, if she thinks otherwise, I will upgrade the ring.

 

[sctsbride09]

I dont normally reply to posts like these, but this one is entertaining. When your gf says she wants a *big* diamond and thats all she cares about, what does *big* mean to her? Big is very subjective, as Im sure you know if you have been lurking here for a bit. In the real world, big tends to be over a carat, HERE big is, well BIG, think 3 carats and over. What kind of job does your lady have,what does SHE want, are you emptying your bank account to get said ring? These are the things people should be thinking about when they buy an ering. Oh, and not every woman upgrades her ering, I havent and wont. And I would have rather worn a twist tie around my finger than have my or my DHs parents help us purchase my ering. IMHO, an ering is an ADULT purchase that you make for your own adult life, having mommy and daddy help pay for it is counter productive.You get what YOU can afford. So my kid/kids will be on their own to pay for that. I have no problem with heirloom rings, as that is completely different. But saving money all my adult life just to pay for my future DD or DIL to have a honker of a stone in her ering, is something i am completely unwilling to do. That is the fiances job. And if my kids future fiance didnt want to marry him/her because the stone wasnt big enough, I would say good ridance, and tell my kid they dodged a MAJOR bullet. You dont marry the ring, you marry the man/woman.

 

[JewelFreak]

That's a boy! I'm now getting the impression you want very much to do the right thing by her & make her happy. Why not sit down & talk about it w/her? If you can't discuss an e-ring together, you don't know each other well enough to get married.

She may have pictured as a little girl this-or-that style of ring w/a big fat diamond. Could be she needs to come down to earth a little, many of us hit that wall called reality. I think you feel kind of backed into a corner -- if the proof of this marriage is the size of her stone, take another look at her. Ditto an expensive honeymoon if the money's better spent elsewhere. We all dream about "the day," but if it's real love, most of us would be happy w/a picnic in the park. Take the big trip, get the big diamond when you can. Wrinkles or no.

If she insists on a movie wedding, she's got a problem. But you haven't asked her directly yet, huh? You won't know till you do. Be honest about what you can provide -- and what SHE can contribute. You are giving her the rest of your life -- that's the biggest gift anyone can offer!

--- Laurie

 

[Kilops]

JewelFreak, I like your reply. I do intend on sitting down and really talking this out before the proposal. Even if she knows the proposal is coming, at least I still have the element of surprise on how I am going to do it. Also, thank you for finally being a person that can see from my side that what I really want is for her to get what she wants and for her to be happy. The ring to me is worthless because you cant eat it, you cant drive it, you cant sleep in it, and you cant do anything with it but to look at it. I would much rather look at my wife than to look at the ring anyday no matter the size of the ring or the age of my wife.