The Surprise Factor

[mia15]

Being a sort of LIW, I''ve been reading the posts here a lot and have been thinking about the element of surprise which seems to be a prerequisite (for some) for proposal.

I''d love to hear more about this because I think this gene has been left out of me for some reason, never having really enjoyed surprises on birthdays, etc.

So ladies, what does being surprised mean to you? Why is it romantic? Are you looking forward to/expecting it, do you care if you''re surprised or not, and since I know non LIWs read this too, were you surprised and what are your retrospective thoughts?

I don''t want to leave out the men - what do you think of the surprise proposal?

 

[Mara]

i''d rather not be totally surprised, but that''s just my nature.

i like the idea of ''surprise i''m proposing'', but i don''t like the idea of ''surprise i''m proposing with this ring''...because i really feel like if she is going to wear it for the rest of her life (or the next few years til her upgrade) then she should have some sort of say in it.

everyone has their own level of comfortability with surprise though. some gals want to be totally absolutely surprised and others want to be more involved, with the ring, then be surprised with the proposal, some don''t want to be surprised at all ever and would like to do it all together if possible!

there''s no right or wrong as long as you do what''s right for you and your man!

 

[Mandarine]

I agree with Mara...it really depends on each couple.

I think very few girls are totally surprised (like they didn''t really even know it was coming at all!). A friend of mine was like this, totally, caught off based, surprised. Thankfully she did say yes!.

I won''t be completely surprised because I know (I hope) is coming soon!. Now...how soon, I have no idea other than sometime in 2006. With what ring, I have no idea...so in that front I will be surprised.

Now this element of surprise can be romantic, when it finally happens...but frustrating when you think it was going to happen by a certain time and it didn''t.

My BF and I are different in the sense that he thinks it should be a complete surprise and we shouldn''t really be thinking dates or places to get married until he proposes. I think that''s a bit much because it''s OUR wedding and we should be thinking of it together. So this is were our arguments come (had one of those tonight

).

For me, a romantic proposal will be something he thought of and planned...whether the girl chooses the ring or not.

M~

 

[Julian]

I like to tell DH that I hate surprises - because he loves to surprise me.

But for the proposal, I really am glad I was surprised. Shocked, really. It was in Hawaii and on the last night, he led me out to a beach -- and had it all set up with flowers, a classical band and a waitstaff to serve us a 7 course meal. He proposed at the end on one knee and it was a surprise, even though I suspected a teensy bit!

But the sweetest part of the night was the moment we walked into our decorated suite -- a stereo was playing a CD he had made of our favorite love songs. THAT was the clincher for me. And that's the surprise that means the most.

I was poking DH the whole Hawaii trip, playfully asking if he was going to pop the question... and then demanding to know WHEN, HOW and etc. He'd laugh and laugh. But now, I'm SO glad he never caved in! That would have been the worst!!!

 

[bee*]

For me, its not going to be a total surprise. We are going to New York next July to pick a ring, however he has already said that he could do it before we go, while we''re there or when we get back so in that regard it will be a surprise. I agree with Mara about not doing a surprise proposal with the ring, as I would like to be there when we are getting it. My boyfriend prefers smaller jewellery so I want to be there when he''s getting that diamond

 

[allycat0303]

The actualy proposal was a surprise. But I had absolutely no desire to be surprised with a ring that I hated

He NEVER would have picked out anything that I would wear in a zillion years, so I''m happy that I got a say in that part of the process. The proposal surprised me a lot because I was expecting it almost 7 months later, and it was really sweet. So I liked it, a mixture of both surprise, and no-surprise.

 

[laine]

I wouldn''t want the whole thing to be a suprise (as in having no clue he''s even thinking about marriage), not would I want the ring to be a complete suprise, but I think some element of not knowing exactly when or exactly how he''s going to propose is nice. I think to some extent, it shows that he cares enough to put some effort into. Doesn''t have to be much, and doesn''t have to be expensive, just some forethought. Plus, I think a little bit of suprise adds to the excitement.

Think about christmas, when you''re little. You know that you''re going to get presents, but part of the excitement is having to wait, and not quite knowing what they are. Now imagine you don''t know which morning will actually be christmas. You''re always excited, knowing its coming sometime, then all of a sudden its there, and wow!

Of course, this is all speculation, being that there is no ring purchasing in my immediate future (but hopefully it''s not too far off).

 

[FacetFire]

I guess, IMO, a proposal should almost never be a total surprise. A couple should know they are getting close to that big of a decision. They should have talked about it. Most guys I know wouldn''t make it a complete surprise either, because they want to already know their GF will say yes!

 

[ephemery1]

I agree with so many other posters that surprise proposals are one thing... but a multi-thousand dollar surprise that you're expected to wear for the rest of your life? That's a WHOLE different thing.

I'm not a big "surprise" person in general... don't like surprise parties, gifts, vacations, anything. Even last night, my FI was making me dinner and didn't want to tell me what he was making... but I wanted to know! I like knowing what's planned and then anticipating it happily... THAT'S fun for me, not being completely in the dark. I guess it's just a control thing.

I DO, however, like "spontaneous"... a random note or flowers or dinner out... to me, that's the best of both worlds. You get the fun of something unexpected, but without feeling out of control.

ETA - This was a big pre-engagement argument for my FI and I... he finally allowed me to be part of the ring-shopping, and I'm glad he did! Then he made the proposal itself a surprise, and it was perfect... nothing elaborate and overdone... just special, meaningful, and fun.

 

[robbie3982]

I''m not a big fan of surprises. I know the proposal is coming, and I''ve made sure that he knows exactly what I want as far as a ring goes, but he''s very adament that I can''t have anything to do with the purchase of it

. I would really like to be there and pick out the exact diamond and setting and look at lots of different stones, but it''s not going to happen and it''s making me slightly insane

. I''m sure I''ll love whatever he picks out, but until I actually have it on my finger, it''s going to drive me crazy.

I do kind of like the idea of not knowing when the proposal will happen, but since I know that it''s coming, I''m constantly overanalyzing everything he says and does, so I''ll be pretty amazed if I''m really all that surprised when it actually happens.

 

[firebirdgold]

You know, I gave him a carefully selected list of rings to choose from and I suspected he had the ring and would propose soon, but I was still surprised when he proposed! To me that made the proposal all the more special and exciting. And it added to the romance factor, but I'm not sure why.
I think some surprise is a good thing, but I'm glad I wasn't surprised by a dreadful diamond.

 

[Fancy605]

This may be a bit modern of me, but I am not into the whole surprise thing either. I think it is romantic in a way if the timing, location, and act of the proposal (and other specifics) is a surprise, but I would want to know if a proposal is in the future. The reason I would want to know is so that I have time to consider if this is REALLY what I want. If a proposal comes straight out of the blue (which happened to a friend of mine) and you haven''t even discussed it--well, that is sort of putting you on the spot. I for one can''t stand to be put on the spot. Marriage is a big decision, and I feel like it should be discussed before the engagement....even if it means the proposal won''t be a total surprise.

My friend who was proposed to completely out of the blue said "no." (ouch) And her unhappy boyfriend could not return the ring b/c it had been to long since he''d purchased it. He could only trade it for store credit.

 

[dani13]

I like surprises, but when it came to my e-ring, I did not want one. I am way too picky to have someone pick out ANYTHING for me, let alone a piece of jewelry that I plan on wearing on my finger for the rest of my life. It is also way too much $$ to spend for there even to be a question. My FI and I picked out the diamond and the setting together, which was a really awesome experience, and then once the plans were finalized I was out of the equation. He really did end up surprising me, since he proposed when I least expected it. So, there could still be a way to find the surprise element in it all, even if you do pick out the ring yourself...the FI's just need to be creative!

 

[Julian]

I wouldn''t want the ring to be a surprise, either! Boy, that would have been a disaster!

If he was left to his own devices, I might get something with mismatching sidestones or something. LOL. Thank goodness we shopped together beforehand to give him an idea of size, shape & style.

 

[RoseAngel04]

I am also a BIG fan of surprises. I don''t like to know what I am getting for my birthday or even Christmas ahead of time (my ff and I have this in common). To me, it just takes that little something away from the event.

Now, I do think that some "guidance" should be given as to what ring styles etc you like, but I also don''t/wouldn''t want to know the exact design of the "complete" e-ring. My FF and I have gone shopping together for rings numerous times and I have sent him pics of rings I like. He is my bestfriend and therefore knows what is me and what''s not. I know and trust that he will give me the most amazing ring that suites me. I also want the proposal to be a surprise. I don''t want to know that it''s coming, bc if I do then i''ll start over analyzing the situation w/o fulling enjoying it.

Can''t wait!

 

[galeteia]

I have very, um... ''strong'' opinions on some things, like what I want in an e-ring, and my FF has made it clear that he doesn''t know the first thing about rings and doesn''t want to.

So, I pick it out, he picks it up.

I''m not big on surprises (one ''surprise'' excuted last year while I was slicing an avocado resulted in me having a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE accident with a japanese chef''s knife, and I am still struggling to get over the trauma a year later. You aren''t supposed to see INSIDE your body, EVER.) but we aren''t going to be able to see one another before the wedding. Not even to get engaged. Curse you, immigration regulations!

So I''ll probably get my proposal on the steps of the courthouse.

 

[sk8rjen]

I would NOT be happy with a surprise ring, but I like the idea of a surprise proposal. I had ring ideas in my mind when we started looking, and he pretty much picked the shape of the stone out of the 2 I liked. From there, it''s ME who ordered the diamonds (we looked at 2 and agreed on the same one), ME who ordered the ring itself, and me who''s had every conversation with the jeweler. It was easier this way for him, which I wish in a way he''d done the work, but the control-freak in me knows that the ring will be exactly what I want, and actually got done!

Now, I haven''t seen it since it was sent to us, so that part is a surprise. And Matt is so hung up on surprising me that he has skipped TWO perfect opportunities to propose b/c he knew I was hoping/expecting it to happen. At this point, it''ll be a surprise if it EVER happens!!! haha

jen

 

[diamondfan]

I am in the middle camp, because while I like the idea of being surprised, and would hope that my dh knows all the things I like at this point in time, I dislike opening something up and being a bit let down after anticipating something else. So, I drop hints or leave pictures or tell him when we are out and shopping...and know that he has some sort of system with keeping track for later occasions. When we got engaged I got a round in yellow gold, and just did not like it, but I was so excited to get engaged that I never even really ha a big discussion with him about details. Until my first upgrade 10 years later, I was fine, since what mattered most was being together, but I did learn that as well as I think my dh knows what I like, he is human and forgets, and that it is better to help things along if there is something really specific that I want, so that I not disappointed later. It just saves on hurt or bad feelings and everyone is happy that way!

 

[Mimikins24]

I personally hate surprises in any form. I am definitely the control freak in my relationship!!! On the other hand, my BF really likes to surprise me, and he has told me that it is really important to him to surprise me with the proposal. Sometimes his traditional side comes out!!! He agreed to look at ring styles together to see what I like, but the final decision is his to make. He also won''t tell me when he buys it, so he can make the actual proposal a complete surprise. For us I guess this is a great compromise --- I get a ring that I will like and he gets to have the surprise factor.

I agree with the other posters that said they would not want the entire prospect of getting engaged to be a surprise. If two adults are considering their future together, I think it should be a two-sided discussion. JMHO. In the end it is whatever you and your BF are comfortable with and sometimes that means a compromise!!

 

[orangegeek]

I''m a total contradiction in this area, I LOVE surprises and hate when I learn what I''m getting for my birthday or xmas ahead of time.

That being said, while I don''t want to know the where and when of the proposal, I do think that the ring shouldn''t be too much of a shocker to me. I just had this conversation with my bf over dinner tonight. He''s happy that I''ve been leaving pics around the house, but didn''t want to go check how any looked on my finger or even have my finger sized. He was under the (mistaken) impression that the rings I have from my great-grandma are my size, but they''re all a little loose and I have not a clue of my ring size. I tried to explain that I want some sort of input in the jewelry that I''ll be wearing forever, but don''t want to ruin his moment.

He told me to go on my own and find out my size and try on the rings to narrow down my choices (I''ve been back and forth between an eternity band or a Ritani Endless Love setting with a round center) and just leave STRONG hints around the house for the next few weeks. (His favorite hiding spot has been the ring pic inside the lid of the mouthwash.) I''m happy because I''ll be trotting over to the jewelry store on Monday for some test drives.

So, yeah, I do want to be shocked when it happens, but I don''t want to open the box and go, "Who the..?? What the..??"

 

[biokatie]

I wanted to be surprised but it won''t happen because we bought the ring last night...I didn''t think the jeweler had the stones in but when I dragged dbf in a few hrs later he had them, and I am glad that even though the two stones were very nice that I got to pick the one I wanted. Dbf would have probably bought the larger one but we both liked the color of the one that was a little smaller and for setting I was pretty basic on what I wanted for that too. I can''t wait for the surprise proposal. I think I have an idea of the way that he will do it...and that will work for me