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Think I wish I knew before I got married...

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I happen to be religious so I found them all helpful. I do however, think that there are quite a few pieces of advice in there that we all can use regardless of whether religious or not. I personally think that people who are married, should talk to singles more about what they''re really getting into. I''m not saying to dwell on the negatives, but openly discuss some of the relationship issues that we all will be faced with.

Thanks for sharing.
 
Date: 1/28/2009 8:56:50 PM
Author: caribqueen
I happen to be religious so I found them all helpful. I do however, think that there are quite a few pieces of advice in there that we all can use regardless of whether religious or not. I personally think that people who are married, should talk to singles more about what they''re really getting into. I''m not saying to dwell on the negatives, but openly discuss some of the relationship issues that we all will be faced with.


Thanks for sharing.
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I agree!
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Great link, thank you!
 
I think a LOT (most) of the stuff in that link is common sense, really.

The real stuff I have to add... hmmm...

Don't let your relationship be a passive thing. You can get so comfortable in your fantastic relationship that you forget to keep pushing for closeness. Love isn't something you build once and then sit on for the rest of your life, it's not a destination... it's a lifestyle. It's a constant, active way of life, and something that may slip away if you forget to pay it the attention it deserves.

That is something that we definitely discovered on our own, and it took awhile - about 4 years (into the relationship, not the marriage, of course), really. We're still learning how to go about it. But we're learning together, which is the important part!
 

I am sorry, but I have to say I have read most of her points, and it sounds like she is happy to honour and obey no matter what. It just gives me the general feel that the man is superior to the woman.


And I have to totally disagree with the point about periodically falling out of love with her husband, especially in the first few years.


This is not a symbol of a happy healthy relationship IMO. In almost 13 years of being with my partner, I have never fallen out of love with him, EVER. Sure i have been upset, frustrated or just plain mad, but I have never for a second stopped being in love with him. That''s really sad.

 
Date: 1/29/2009 1:07:38 AM
Author: honey22

I am sorry, but I have to say I have read most of her points, and it sounds like she is happy to honour and obey no matter what. It just gives me the general feel that the man is superior to the woman.



And I have to totally disagree with the point about periodically falling out of love with her husband, especially in the first few years.



This is not a symbol of a happy healthy relationship IMO. In almost 13 years of being with my partner, I have never fallen out of love with him, EVER. Sure i have been upset, frustrated or just plain mad, but I have never for a second stopped being in love with him. That''s really sad.

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Hi Honey!

Your critiques are welcome. I think we can learn a lot from each other''s relationships. I''ve been with SO for almost 5.5 years, never ''fallen out of love'', and I would be startled if I thought I had! But I have heard other say that before, so maybe some others will weigh in. Each relationship is so unique and different, and you are a very lucky lady to never have to deal with the "falling in and out of love!"
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I also agree that most of the responses are heavy on female "to do''s" and deferring to one''s husband. I find no problem with that when it is mutual (both spouses defer to each other), or even when both people are satisfied with the state of things (some people are more comfortable in traditional gender roles). It''s not for me, but whatever helps for your personal situation is great!
 
Date: 1/29/2009 1:07:38 AM
Author: honey22

I am sorry, but I have to say I have read most of her points, and it sounds like she is happy to honour and obey no matter what. It just gives me the general feel that the man is superior to the woman.



And I have to totally disagree with the point about periodically falling out of love with her husband, especially in the first few years.



This is not a symbol of a happy healthy relationship IMO. In almost 13 years of being with my partner, I have never fallen out of love with him, EVER. Sure i have been upset, frustrated or just plain mad, but I have never for a second stopped being in love with him. That''s really sad.

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Ditto and ditto!

But I have to say there are some reasonable points too. For instance:
"Men CAN wash dishes, and women CAN take out trash." So true.
"Unspoken expectations can lead to hurt feelings. Point here, Communicate." Something to be remembered.

All I can add is never cease to surprise, woo and flirt with each other. Don''t let your husband/wife become just your best friend, let him/her also be your lover just like it was in the beginning of your relationship. I guess what I''m trying to say is, it''s only natural for feelings to calm down a bit after a while but try to keep the spark alive. Don''t just love your SO, be IN love with him/her.
 
I think my biggest thing I had to learn (when I started living with my SO) is to admit when I'm wrong, and apologize... Same goes for him though too!!!
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And the best advice ever given to me was by a kind old man who had been married for 50+ years: "Sometimes you're giving 100% and he's giving 0%, sometimes he's giving 75% and you're giving 25%, and rarely are you both 50-50.."
 
Date: 1/29/2009 11:17:40 AM
Author: WistfulAurora
I think my biggest thing I had to learn (when I started living with my SO) is to admit when I''m wrong, and apologize... Same goes for him though too!!!
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And the best advice ever given to me was by a kind old man who had been married for 50+ years: ''Sometimes you''re giving 100% and he''s giving 0%, sometimes he''s giving 75% and you''re giving 25%, and rarely are you both 50-50..''
Click to expand...

I thought it was really profound when someone said that relationships should ideally be 100%-100%, not 50-50. You should both be giving your all and taking care of one another, and then you can''t fail
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The most profound thing that I learned from my SO is this: When you are having a disagreement, or you are upset, don''t feed that energy by focusing on the negative. Remember that it''s just a argument, it''s just momentary, and that you love the person far more that frustration you are currently feeling. SO told me this in the middle of one of our arguments, and I was amazed at his maturity. It has really helped me, because I was a brooder!
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Date: 1/29/2009 1:53:08 PM
Author: trillionaire

I thought it was really profound when someone said that relationships should ideally be 100%-100%, not 50-50. You should both be giving your all and taking care of one another, and then you can''t fail
21.gif


The most profound thing that I learned from my SO is this: When you are having a disagreement, or you are upset, don''t feed that energy by focusing on the negative. Remember that it''s just a argument, it''s just momentary, and that you love the person far more that frustration you are currently feeling. SO told me this in the middle of one of our arguments, and I was amazed at his maturity. It has really helped me, because I was a brooder!
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That''s a VERY helpful thing to remember! Thanks!
 
This is going to sound crazy...

But of all the advice I received before and right after I got married, I wished someone had told me to ignore all advice, and let life happen...

See, you cannot plan for marriages pitfalls--and what worked for someone elses marriage might break yours apart. You know your partner better than anyone else in the world...so, really, all the answers are already there. You have to find your own best solutions.
 
Date: 1/29/2009 1:53:08 PM
Author: trillionaire


I thought it was really profound when someone said that relationships should ideally be 100%-100%, not 50-50. You should both be giving your all and taking care of one another, and then you can''t fail
21.gif


The most profound thing that I learned from my SO is this: When you are having a disagreement, or you are upset, don''t feed that energy by focusing on the negative. Remember that it''s just a argument, it''s just momentary, and that you love the person far more that frustration you are currently feeling. SO told me this in the middle of one of our arguments, and I was amazed at his maturity. It has really helped me, because I was a brooder!
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I agree with your SO... but sometimes it''s harder to say than do...
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I''m a bit of a brooder too...
 
Hello Wistful!
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Date: 1/29/2009 4:03:01 PM
Author: Kayakqueen83
<threadjack> Hello Wistful!
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</threadjack>
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Glad to see I'm not the only one "working"...
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hehehe Hi!!!
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Say I love you every day and mean it. Have a sense of humor. Talk about things, even if it''s uncomfortable. I agree w/the others about not falling out of love w/your spouse..I''ve gotten incredibly angry w/him but no matter what, always love him.
 
Date: 1/29/2009 3:59:49 PM
Author: WistfulAurora
Date: 1/29/2009 1:53:08 PM

Author: trillionaire



I thought it was really profound when someone said that relationships should ideally be 100%-100%, not 50-50. You should both be giving your all and taking care of one another, and then you can''t fail
21.gif



The most profound thing that I learned from my SO is this: When you are having a disagreement, or you are upset, don''t feed that energy by focusing on the negative. Remember that it''s just a argument, it''s just momentary, and that you love the person far more that frustration you are currently feeling. SO told me this in the middle of one of our arguments, and I was amazed at his maturity. It has really helped me, because I was a brooder!
38.gif
Click to expand...

I agree with your SO... but sometimes it''s harder to say than do...
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I''m a bit of a brooder too...
Click to expand...

I know a lot of brooders, so I have shared this advice often!
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However, I think more powerful than even the advice was knowing that this was his mentality, and that every time we argue, he is mentally de-escalating the situation. I now do this a lot too! We do it differently, but the outcome is great for both of us, and we apologize and affirm each other really well and often! It''s fantastic.
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