this is bound to sound a little cryptic...

[KristyDarling]

Date: 10/13/2006 9:30:05 AM
Author: AceP
Deco, Emerald, Galateia - You guys all hit on what I was getting at. The general idea is that if you''re a thinking, feeling person, how can you not even entertain the idea that it''s POSSIBLE that there''s someone else out there who''s better suited to you than your beau? If you don''t even CONSIDER that, I think you''re kidding yourself. It''s a big world. And the divorce rate is damn high.

Of course I believe that if I hadn''t met my hubby, that there ARE plenty of other men in the world who I could''ve been compatible with. I don''t believe in the "one true soulmate" myth. And yes, it can be entertaining to think "what if" when you see attractive men around. There''s nothing wrong with that and it''s not cheating because it''s just idle thought and bound to happen with every person in the world, regardless of how much they love their spouse. But, in the original post, it sounded like the question was more about *proactive* flirtations and "making out" while in a committed relationship. I think that''s why you got so many strong responses.

 

[Butterflies]

Date: 10/13/2006 9:30:05 AM
Author: AceP
Deco, Emerald, Galateia - You guys all hit on what I was getting at. The general idea is that if you're a thinking, feeling person, how can you not even entertain the idea that it's POSSIBLE that there's someone else out there who's better suited to you than your beau? If you don't even CONSIDER that, I think you're kidding yourself. It's a big world. And the divorce rate is damn high.

There is a big difference between just having a passing thought about the "possibility" of someone else out there who is better suited for you and actually CONSIDERING doing something about it. If you start to consider it then you should take a step back and re-evaluate your feelings and relationship. I am human and alive, therefore, if I see a good looking man out there I can appreciate his looks but right away I compare him to my bf and what a great guy he is. The first thing that comes to mind is "He would NEVER be as good to me as my man." And that is the end of that. It all boils down to how much you love, respect AND value your bf and making the choice to remain faithful and committed.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 10/11/2006 3:30:04 PM
Author: AceP
you know, it''s funny - there was a time i would have seen it as black and white, too. but as i''ve gotten older (i''m 29), i''ve started to see divorce and more and more unions that i question. i''ve seen wonderful, happy couples torn apart by life''s events. i guess i''ve just generally begun to see more gray, so that if an engaged friend said, ''hey, ace, i''m sort of into this guy at work and it''s getting dangerous,'' i wouldn''t necessarily see it as relationship-destroying. in some cases, unfortunately, i think people have to test the waters to determine that what they have at home is really the best thing. you guys all think i''m crazy? it''s okay - i can take it!

Why does "testing the waters" have to mean cheating? It''s only cheating when you lie, either outright or implicitly. Why can''t the person who said yes to the engagement go back to fiance and let him know that the terms of engagement have changed. She''s sort of dangerously into this guy at work and needs to test it out. Then fiance can decide if he wants to be there or not when the test -- whatever it is, flirting, making out, getting it on -- is finished.

I don''t think you''re crazy at all. But I think that people who find themselves in this predicament yet don''t ''admit it to the person they are beholden to are weak and immature. I''m not talking about harmless flirting, but the "dangerous" kind.

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 10/13/2006 3:48:15 PM
Author: Maria D

Why does ''testing the waters'' have to mean cheating?

Well it sure ain''t monogamy!

Why can''t the person who said yes to the engagement go back to fiance and let him know that the terms of engagement have changed.

Are we unclear on the concept of being engaged? I''m sorry but this is a black and white issue. You only get two answers to the question ''will you marry me'': Yes or No. There''s no maybe, and there sure as heck is no ''if nothing better comes along''!

Then fiance can decide if he wants to be there or not when the test -- whatever it is, flirting, making out, getting it on -- is finished.

And I''m sure you''d be there after your boyfriend/fiance decided to just test and see if he was more attracted to some other girl! You''re not test driving a car!

The whole idea is that you want to spend your whole life with one man. Just to be clear, being unsure when you''re making a comittment, let alone actually doing something about it, is totally different from checking out a hot guy in the supermarket.
It''s also totally different from being 10 years into your marriage and feeling tempted by someone else because your marriage needs a bit of maintence and sprucing up. (marriages are like houses, if you don''t keep up with painting the woodwork, checking for termites, patching the roof, etc... then eventually it''ll just start falling apart)

 

[Maria D]

Date: 10/13/2006 4:50:12 PM
Author: IndieJones

Then fiance can decide if he wants to be there or not when the test -- whatever it is, flirting, making out, getting it on -- is finished.

And I''m sure you''d be there after your boyfriend/fiance decided to just test and see if he was more attracted to some other girl! You''re not test driving a car!

No, I wouldn''t be there and that''s exactly my point!

Isn''t that why people cheat instead of being up front and honest? They want to mess around with someone new and at the same time keep what they''ve got. They''re too weak and immature to risk losing the one that loves them by being honest.

So where AceP says that a little cheating (or dangerous flirtation, whatever that is) doesn''t have to destroy the relationship, I''m saying why cheat at all. If you don''t think it''s relationship destroying then tell your significant other what you''re up to and let him/her decide whether they want out or not.

 

[firebirdgold]

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/13/2006 9:30:05 AM
Author: AceP
I was talking last night to a friend who is married and recently crossed the line with a co-worker (she was one of the inspirations for my original post). She and the co-worker (who is also married) have now cut the tryst off. She knows that at this particular moment in time, something is missing from her marriage. And she anticipates that that 'something' will return - they love each other very much. She also recognizes that while she really enjoyed the intense email flirtation, physical contact and emotional closeness with this co-worker, it's not like she would ever want to be married to him. It took her, though, a few months to get to that conclusion.

Besides what she THOUGHT was missing, a new thing is missing and she's the one who lost it. TRUST. She broke it. If I were her husband and I found out, it would be O-V-E-R OVER.