Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

This is creepy, right?

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Independent Gal

Independent Gal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
5,471
I posted ages ago about this senior guy at work whom I''ve known for years who would come in to my office to chat and do things like put his hand on my leg, close the office door, etc. Anyway, dude backed off after I made some subtle but clear noise in his direction, and this is already at least a year ago. Maybe more. So, yesterday I wrote to him and asked if we could meet for some career advice, and he has suggested I go over to his place this afternoon where we can drink champagne while we chat to celebrate the wedding.

I think this is a little creepy. And made some excuses. Which he resisted. But DH says he thinks I''m over-reacting and that I shouldn''t alienate this guy, since we''re kind of in career hot water right now and he can help us.

What do you gals think? Trust my instincts and insist on a public meeting, even if that means an open confrontation? Or go with the flow and keep an eye on the exits / get DH to call mid-way on my cell?
 
I''d do in public meeting only. That''s sketchy to me I don''t know. Maybe he is just a friendly guy that likes to entertain, but he could also be a freak.
33.gif
 
It is creepy. If you must meet, make it public. And try to limit all your exchanges to e-mail.

P.S. Congrats on the wedding!
 
NO WAY - there is absolutey NO reason why a professional meeting needs to be held at his home.
33.gif
23.gif
That just screams disaster!
6.gif
Don't put yourself in such a vulnerable position. Thank him and tell him you'd rather do lunch sometime next week since you and your HUSBAND already have plans this afternoon. The fact that this guy has already touched you inappropriately at the office should be a HUGE warning sign to you.
 
If your gut says no, they definitely make it public. Sounds a little fishy to me; champagne at my place? I have girlfriends who would raise an eyebrow if I offered them that. Back away. Into a well-lit public place.
 
That's what I thought! Meeting out for a drink for work discussions is normal in my milieu, but meeting at someone's house, not so much. Sometimes I wonder why men don't get why are radars are up about these things. DH was all "what's the big deal?"

I just wrote him back and worded things so that it's not QUITE a slap in the face...just in case he didn't mean anything creepy by it, but still makes clear that we're meeting out in public or not at all.

Did I mention his new wife is 8 months pregnant?

Can you imagine being 8 months pregnant, and knowing your guy is sitting at home in the afternoon drinking champagne and smoking a cigar with the pretty girl from the office?

I. Would. Kill. Him!!!!
 
...or worse. NOT knowing he was home drinking and smoking with the pretty girl from the office.
29.gif
 
Trust you intuition, those little hairs that raise up on your neck . I see a red flag here for sure. Ask to meet in a public place... It''s a shame you need this guys help as he does seem creepy and doesn''t respect boundaries. Is there anyone else that can help you??
 
Hi,

I know that sometimes guys are flirty at work, but a lot of the time it crosses a line, and that line is different for everyone. If it feels like it is creepy, it IS creepy. And, this seems to me like sexual harassment. I would DOCUMENT EVERYTHING- day, time, what he says, what email he says. even write down things you remember from the past. I wouldn''t stand for this for a single second.

Take it to your supervisor or if he is your supervisor, take your documentaion to someone above him.

and of course, avoid all contact with him outside of your actual work office.

I went through this in high school and a similar harassment at work, and I did this both times and it STOPPED.

I also think your SO should be supportive in your instinct of creepiness.

I hope this works out for you.
 
Actually, my FI thinks I should be a lot more careful than I do!
Just consider how bad it would be for your career if you did go over and it went badly.

ALWAYS trust your instincts. This was Ft Collins in the 60s, nothing happened and people never locked their doors. When my mom was a teen she was home alone taking care of her sibs. A man came to the door asking to use the phone. Something felt wrong to my mom so she pretended her dad was home and he left. The next day the police came. The man had found another girl who didn''t trust her instincts and he raped and murdered her.
 
^^^^^^^


Eeeeeeeekkk!

Way to go mom!


But yeah, the first thing you learn in self defense is that creepy feeling happen for a reason, even though we often tune them out in social situations. Some ridiculous percentage of people who are accosted later say that they had a bad feeling but didn''t want to make a scene/embarrass themselves/embarrass the creepy person.


Indy, my DH has poor creep-dar too, it helps to remind him that what threatens a 110lb 5-foot female and a 200lb 6-foot guy are different. I hope you get to meet with this guy on your terms.
 
HI:

I would have taken my husband with me. He didn't say he couldn't come. Right?
9.gif
In all seriousness, public meetings only--and what's wrong with a conference room at work? Oh and keep those emails.

cheers--Sharon
 
Yes, very creepy. Always trust your instincts! Seems to me like business meetings should always be in public anyway... Even if nothing happens, nobody can think anything happened.
 
i''m glad you trusted your instinct and made sure it was clear the meeting would happen in a public place. red flags were a-flyin'' as i read your post.... and it ocurred to me that he may have thrown in the ''toast to your wedding'' as a means to get you to let your guard down. he knows you already harbor reservations about him from your history and he may have wanted to make sure this opportunity didn''t go wasted - what better way to get you to ignore your concerns and feel ''safe'' (and even guilty for those past feelings) than to acknowledge your wedding/marriage? but once he has you alone, on his turf, who is to say what his real intentions are? at the very least, he is not well-versed in what is appropriate, at the worst he has ill intentions... either way you are under no obligation to baby his ego. not worth the risk.
 
Date: 4/18/2008 6:22:06 PM
Author: rainydaze
i''m glad you trusted your instinct and made sure it was clear the meeting would happen in a public place. red flags were a-flyin'' as i read your post.... and it ocurred to me that he may have thrown in the ''toast to your wedding'' as a means to get you to let your guard down. he knows you already harbor reservations about him from your history and he may have wanted to make sure this opportunity didn''t go wasted - what better way to get you to ignore your concerns and feel ''safe'' (and even guilty for those past feelings) than to acknowledge your wedding/marriage? but once he has you alone, on his turf, who is to say what his real intentions are? at the very least, he is not well-versed in what is appropriate, at the worst he has ill intentions... either way you are under no obligation to baby his ego. not worth the risk.
Click to expand...

Ditto, the creep factor is on overload.

Always trust your your gut feeling it is an instinct that has served mankind since forever.


BIH good on your mum being wary that is a horrible story
 
I agree with the instinct thing. I''d probably take dh to the public meeting, too.
 
Well, back from the meeting, which was in a busy restaurant / lounge. He was pretty helpful with his advice, although I realized it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I think DH and I are in for a rough ride, career wise, over the next few years.

I have a job offer in Calgary (hey Calgarians!) but I think I have to turn it down as there's nothing for DH. Mr. McCreepycreep says think carefully before turning it down. He gathers that the job market in my field of expertise is shriiiiinking and that permanent jobs may be particularly hard to come by. He says turning it down may mean having to leave this line of work. I kind of knew that was the case, but I guess I was in denial.

But DH and I can't live so far apart indefinitely. Especially if we want to start a family.

It's quite depressing really. But what can one do? Just cope and figure it out, I guess.
 
Maybe it''s a hidden opportunity to change directions a little. I started a completely new career just before we started our family. Change can be scary but wonderful. You might find that you develop something that would even eventually give you more time with your to-be family than what you are presently doing.

Glad the guy was civilized.
 
Date: 4/18/2008 8:17:12 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Well, back from the meeting, which was in a busy restaurant / lounge. He was pretty helpful with his advice, although I realized it wasn''t what I wanted to hear. I think DH and I are in for a rough ride, career wise, over the next few years.

I have a job offer in Calgary (hey Calgarians!) but I think I have to turn it down as there''s nothing for DH. Mr. McCreepycreep says think carefully before turning it down. He gathers that the job market in my field of expertise is shriiiiinking and that permanent jobs may be particularly hard to come by. He says turning it down may mean having to leave this line of work. I kind of knew that was the case, but I guess I was in denial.

But DH and I can''t live so far apart indefinitely. Especially if we want to start a family.

It''s quite depressing really. But what can one do? Just cope and figure it out, I guess.
Click to expand...
HI:

Good luck on your decision IG. Seems to me there aren''t enough professionals to fill the myraid of jobs locally--but you know your/DH situation better than I. But for the weather today, I can think of far worse places to live....
9.gif
..and you know people here
21.gif


cheers--Sharon
 
Public meeting!! No drinking. Wear a turtleneck! This guy doesn''t need any encouragement.
 
I would LOVE to move to Calgary, and I think DH would like it too. The issue is that he has a verrrrrrry specialized set of skills, whereas my skills are easily transferable. I''ve worked in different industries and sectors before too, whereas he has only ever had this one kind of job.

Plus, if I''m half his soul, this job is the other half. He decided it''s what he wanted to do when he was SIX YEARS OLD! And it''s all he''s ever wanted to do. So, it''s tough.

I knew this was coming when we first got serious. But it''s tough to actually be facing it now.
7.gif
I''m going to ask a few more people for advice. Then I think I have to make a decision by Monday.
33.gif
34.gif
 
Swing, I wore a conservative silk sweater and long pants, flat shoes. I had that angle covered by having EVERYTHING covered.
28.gif
 
OK, truth be told, now I''m kinda depressed.
7.gif
 
38.gif
to the creepy dude and
15.gif
to the job situation. I''m sorry Indy...
 
Sorry Indy, I hope things get better for you guys soon!!
1.gif
 
Whenever I''m stuck, I make a list of pros and cons.
What if you trained for a different line of work, and stayed where you are? I went to my college alum''s career planning office and took a test to see where my head was in terms of finding a new career, back when I was in your shoes.
Maybe you''d like something in the health care field? That''s always needed.
 
Julia, the thing is, I have a Ph.D., and after 10 years of higher ed and 5 (yes, FIVE) degrees, I''m not really excited about retraining at this point. Obviously, I''d do it if it was really necessary. The bills must be paid! But I don''t think I''d have too much trouble finding SOME kind of interesting work, it''s just that I''ll have to give up the kind of work that I did my Ph.D. in order to be able to do. So think of it as going to med school, doing your residency, and then ending up having to retrain. B-U-M-M-E-R.

Especially since I CAN get a job doing what I do. I''ve had two offers in the last year. I just can''t take them because of DH.

Still, in addition to the specialist knowledge and expertise, the Ph.D. gave me all kinds of transferable skills - like being able to problem solve, analyze, argue effectively, synthesize large volumes of data and information, sharp writing skills, and even the ability to handle statistics (though my work at the moment ain''t too statistical!), etc. So I think I''ll be pretty employable elsewhere. I hope so at least.

I just would have to figure out how to market myself.

But what a bummer to work so hard for something VERY competitive, succeed at it, and then have to give it up, just when the career is looking great.

I guess that''s family, though, right?
 
Date: 4/18/2008 9:25:49 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Julia, the thing is, I have a Ph.D., and after 10 years of higher ed and 5 (yes, FIVE) degrees, I''m not really excited about retraining at this point. Obviously, I''d do it if it was really necessary. The bills must be paid! But I don''t think I''d have too much trouble finding SOME kind of interesting work, it''s just that I''ll have to give up the kind of work that I did my Ph.D. in order to be able to do. So think of it as going to med school, doing your residency, and then ending up having to retrain. B-U-M-M-E-R.

Especially since I CAN get a job doing what I do. I''ve had two offers in the last year. I just can''t take them because of DH.

Still, in addition to the specialist knowledge and expertise, the Ph.D. gave me all kinds of transferable skills - like being able to problem solve, analyze, argue effectively, synthesize large volumes of data and information, sharp writing skills, and even the ability to handle statistics (though my work at the moment ain''t too statistical!), etc. So I think I''ll be pretty employable elsewhere. I hope so at least.

I just would have to figure out how to market myself.

But what a bummer to work so hard for something VERY competitive, succeed at it, and then have to give it up, just when the career is looking great.

I guess that''s family, though, right?
Click to expand...
I would think long and hard before giving this up...you worked SO hard for it, and I don''t see how you getting a PhD (GO GIRL, btw!) is somehow any less valid than his "wanting to do his job since he was 6." Women are people pleasers...but you will have to seriously negotiate this with your fiance...if it looks like one of you will have to give something up as important as a career, why should it necessarily be you? While he may resent having to do something different than he''s always done- he also may find something else he loves.

It reminds me of the neverending name changing conversation...why am I the one who, as the woman, has to decide to keep or discard my name? Why doesn''t the guy have to go through the exact same torturous process himself? It''s not just the idea of giving up the name that bothers me...it is the fact that I am the "only one" who is forced to make a choice in the matter.

I''m sorry if this comes across the wrong way...I''m not meaning it to say that you''re doing this because you''re female...I have just seen so many situations of women (and men...not just women) giving up an AWESOME career and later resenting it.

Is there some objective way to hash it out? Which job pays more (yours or his?)
 
The "objective" way we found to hash it out was: I have transferable skills, experience in different industries and organizations, and more adaptability. So, I'm more likely to succeed in another job than he is. Therefore it should be me who leaves.

I still think that makes sense. Doesn't make it suck any less though.

And anyway, we all come up with these 'objective' things, and yet somehow it still ends up being the woman 75% of the time. Know what I mean? Almost like we're trying to rationalize it.

I hope my venting isn't offensive to anyone.
33.gif
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top