This is normal, right?

[Nicrez]

Date: 8/28/2007 11:19:08 AM
Author: sumbride

Date: 8/28/2007 10:24:43 AM
Author: Nicrez
Like he puts his keys and wallet absolutely anywhere then every morning asks you, ''did you see my wallet?'' as he is running around frantic, late for work. That''s when you say, ''Yes, it''s on the valet I just bought right on the hallway table next to the front entrance. Next time you enter, leave your keys there and you will never lose them again.''

I''ve got to say, i did this exact thing! M has had his valet for about 8 months now and he is mostly used to it, but sometimes forgets. I tend to round things up and put them there anyway. We had many frantic mornings where he couldn''t find his wallet or his car keys or his id badge, and now they are in the ''magic tray''. It''s working. Slowly.

Mine was much quicker, but yes you need to reinforce the training sometime with your own effort...

But I will say that many men like simplicity, and giving them a routine is not a bad thing, it just depends on HOW you address this new routine, and how it''s reinforced. Like women too. No one likes being reschooled, but if you truly try to help them and simplify their life, it''s a positive thing they warmly accept and embrace.

I am a huge proponent of working magic behind the scenes and helping people find their way to their own changes, or else it won''t stick. Like my sister who is always late, I asked what is always upsetting her, and she said she hates how late she always is. I said, "OK, then what will help you NOT be late...?" Well, we figured out that she does way too much and over commits, so now she has tried to pace her days and it''s helping. (also helps that I set her clocks forward by 10 minutes.)

IG, you two are in this together, see if you can help him find solutions to inefficiencies. And if it''s TRULY something he doesn''t want to change, learn when to say when....

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 8/27/2007 11:51:34 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I just thought of one that drives me insano!!

Our dry cleaning is put outside on the covered back porch. Does he take his clothes to the back porch?? Nope leaves it right by the back door in a huge heap!! Lke hello??? It''s one extra step, one that would make me happy!!


OMG, the other thing, is the notes he writes to me in the AM. Ya know the ones that say please do this and that, but then have exclamation points at the end. Like it''s dire?

Lisa, please call the plumber!!!! ! Sink is slow in the powder room!!!!!!!!!!! !

HI:

Lisa, is your husband living in my house??? I LOL when I read this; the whole note thing too!!!! I can''t beleive other husbands to this as well....AND leaving stuff when he cannot find it (keys, glasses) despite available conveniently placed holders designed for the same!!!.

I think Rich Sherwood captured it very well!!

cheers--Sharon

 

[TravelingGal]

I was an anger/frustration/irritated-free person before I met TGuy. I swear...I''d often wonder what was wrong with me because my life was SO anger free!

But then, he moved in. I think part of the reason it was tough (and I see the same thing with you IG) is that HE moved into *MY* place. TGuy mentions from time to time that this is not his place, and I think that was a big factor with us. Plus I liked things my way, especially the kitchen since it pisses me off when I can''t find things when he organizes.

It''s been two years now and things have settled down, but it doesn''t mean that we both don''t get annoyed. Sometime I think the ideal marriage situation would be living in a duplex...him with his place and me with mine! Come on over for conjugal visits!

 

[Independent Gal]

T''Gal, just yesterday I said to FI "Honey, wouldn''t it be perfect if we had separate, but adjoining condos?" He said "No." But I tried.

 

[Independent Gal]

T''Gal, just yesterday I said to FI "Honey, wouldn''t it be perfect if we had separate, but adjoining condos?" He said "No." But I tried.

 

[Pandora II]

Welcome to living together!

After 3 years, FI and I have pretty much given up trying to change each other''s irritating habits...

HIS:
Never puts the loo seat back down in the bathroom.
Never puts a new loo roll out when he finishes the old one.
If he opens a cupboard or drawer to get something, he always leaves it wide-open.
He is incapable of having a shower without drenching the entire bathroom.
Everything he cooks tastes of chilli, to the extent you can''t taste what it''s even made of!

MINE:
I am very untidy - piles of books and papers everywhere.
I hate housework (we have a cleaner now

)
I am terrible at starting things and not finishing - we currently have one curtain in the sitting-room unhemmed - the other one is half finished in a bag.
I am a terrible insomniac
I ask ''why'' endlessly!

Luckily we are BOTH deeply obsessive, geeky people who need a lot of ''cave'' time, and to be allowed to play with our computers for at least 6 hours a day. It would probably drive most other people nuts - but it works for us!

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:02:47 PM
Author:Independent Gal
It''s normal, though, right?

Hi IG,

As the rest of the gang has said, it''s very normal. My DH and I are still trying to learn to live with each other. We''ve only been married almost 8 months. He too leaves his beard hair in the sink- thank goodness he has his own side. He leaves his laundry everywhere too. He also doesn''t wipe down the counters and he leaves his cups all over the house. Sometimes he thinks of bringing the cup to the kitchen but he won''t put it in the sink. Drives me nuts! I always say, you are two more steps away from the sink, can''t you drop it in there? He does the same thing with trash too. So yes, it''s normal. The good news is as time passes my experience has been they learn what drives you nuts=sets you off and they try to avoid that. So he has gotten better about putting things away and being more considerate. So even though the moments are frustrating, they actually do help and will eventually serve as a means to help learn to live with each other. Remember you both were brought up in different homes with different parents doing a different style of parenting to each of you. Just try to to patient and if you feel frustrated try to approach things gently by using "I" statements:

I feel disorganized when our kitchen counter has food stuck to it

instead of...

You never wipe down the kitchen counters after cooking

The first one does not place blame on anyone...the second one does and will put him more on his defense. I don''t know if my advice helps but I sure hope it does. I wish you the best of luck! Take a deep breath!

Sending you hugs,
ulualoha

 

[Lurchie]

I cannot express enough how helpful this discussion is! My fiance and I just put an offer down on a house, have never lived together and have both been on our own for a loooong time. But the kicker is that our roles are almost entirely reversed from what most people experience, in that he is the super-neat, organized one and I am the procrastinator. You''re not going to believe me, but I actually worry that he will end up doing EVERYTHING because he''s one of those people who, if it needs to be done, then it needs to happen NOW. I know, terrible dilemma, right, having a man who cooks, cleans, all without asking? Can somebody please pinch me?

I think the advice about phrasing things in the "I" rather than "you" is fantastic! The only criticism I''ve had of him so far is that he doesn''t rinse the sink out after spitting in it. Yuck! Little bits of food, nasty stuff...blech. I''ve pointed it out, he''s denied it, and just keeps right on doing it. It''s actually pretty freakin hilarious when you think about it (without gagging).

 

[Mara]

lol TG and IG about the separate adjoining houses....here''s a story.

when i first met greg and we started dating, i told him i thought that was the secret to successful relationships and marriages. each person has their own space to do whatever and retreat to but then they can hang out as much as possible when they want. the perfect blend of space yet togetherness when you want it. and each person can keep their space however they want. and it never gets routine.

greg was appalled, he was like "WHAT? that''s so ''separtist''...a couple is together..." etc etc.

well...a year after we got married...he was like ''sooo....about those adjoining houses?''....

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Hmm...there must be something wrong with me then...almost nothing bugs me about living with my husband. Probably b/c he''s extremely neat, and really, truth be told, is the main one who cooks, cleans, etc. in our house. We moved in together 6 months before our wedding and have yet to hit that rough patch of adjustment that people always talk about. Maybe that''s partially because we moved into a new place together? Anyway, I guess I better not question a good thing!

 

[Lord Summerisle]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:02:47 PM
Author:Independent Gal
It''s normal, though, right?

Lady S says she''ll send me over for a week or so...

...that''ll be enough for you to be eternally gratefull for you FI

she loves me really.....

 

[Gypsy]

Completely normal. If you want proof: Here you go: Here''s my meltdown thread... and that''s AFTER we''ve been living together for 8 years!!

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/honey-do-lists.62013/

 

[TravelingGal]

ha Mara, I''m with Greg. I have to say, overall it''s not been too tough, but life was definitely easier when I was on my own doing my own thing. Easier yes, as fulfilling, no.

Logan, definitely don''t question a good thing. A few people in this world are that lucky and should gloat silently. Hahaha...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/28/2007 1:25:44 PM
Author: Independent Gal
T''Gal, just yesterday I said to FI ''Honey, wouldn''t it be perfect if we had separate, but adjoining condos?'' He said ''No.'' But I tried.

BRILLIANT!! And I thought I was thinking ahead with requiring a sort of haven room where I can go for some peace and quiet and solitude when our future flat feel more crowded than usual! But THIS idea is even better!!!

 

[ericad]

Just find some passive aggressive stuff to do that annoys him and then give yourself a chuckle once in awhile. For DH and I (10 years married) it''s me NEVER replacing the toilet paper roll. I just leave the cardboard tubes hanging there, with a tiny shred of paper hanging off it. Drives him batty. Childish? YES. But it''s my only way of getting even for the open-mouthed chewing, scraping the fork against his teeth, eating bread without a plate (crumbs EVERYWHERE!), leaving laundry all over the house (for whatever reason he loves to get dressed in the kitchen nook) - I could go ON and ON...

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 8/27/2007 9:42:59 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Don't worry. It will be fine. You'll get used to it shortly before you die.

So true! When the kids are grown and out of the house, my dream home will be a duplex that we own together. He'll live on one side and I'll live on the other side. Maybe we'll merge the two master bedrooms and make a huge master bath or something. I don't have any problem sharing the bedroom and bathroom. It's the rest of the house I wish he'd stay out of.

Oh, well, LOL!


ETA: Haha! I read through some of the other responses and I see my solution is not original. Obviously, your situation is COMPLETELY normal!

ETA2: Oh, and yes, sometimes I wish I could have the bed to myself. We have a king size bed, and I have no idea why. He still ends up on my side of the bed using me as a body pillow.

 

[Independent Gal]

Haha, Lumpkin! I''m so relieved that we moved FI''s big bed into my place. I had a full size, and my FI is 6''5", I always ended up squished into a tiny corner at the edge, barely holding on!

 

[oobiecoo]

My FI and I were both guilty of grocery shopping and buying random stuff. We both decided it was time for a change so we set a monthly grocery budget and found several easy meals and then wrote down what we needed for them, keeping the budget in mind. Now when we go grocery shopping we have a list, a budget, and a coupon envelope. Maybe thats something y''all can do together!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Oobiecoo! I''m a big lister / coupon user etc. But I really don''t enjoy grocery shopping, so since FI does enjoy it, it''s now his job. We split up a lot of the chores that way -- he hates laundry, I love it, so laundry is my chore. That kind of thing.

Since this thread has been bumped, I''ll just give a little update: things have ALREADY settled down into not-quite-pre-marital-bliss. Things are way better then when he first moved in. For one, FI is a quick study and has responded pretty attentively to my ''suggestions'' and pet peeves. And I''ve got better at chilling out. He really LISTENS to me and he gets how important order around the house is to me. I feel lucky! For my part, I''m getting better at keeping things in perspective. Last night, I asked him to chop up some veggies to munch on, and a head of cauliflower and 6 carrots later... I was about to ask ''WHOM ARE YOU PLANNING TO FEED WITH ALL THIS?!?'' but instead decided to mentally plan a recipe for the leftovers for tonight.

So, hopefully it will keep getting easier this way! By him doing better at not pressing my buttons, and me doing better at choosing not to allow my buttons to be pressed. And we''re making a point of expressing thanks and appreciation to each other for doing our respective shares.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement in the face of the initial shock! I think we might make it... But I still want my adjoining house!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

OMG, the open drawer/cabinet thing drives me loopy! And leaving clothes and his work boots behind the bathroom door so you can''t open it easily. What else...The other day he did a load of laundry and I asked him to throw some of my stuff in...essential stuff like oh, I don''t know, undies etc. So the next morning he brings the clothes up and I dive in to find a clean pair, only to discover 30 pairs of boxers briefs and NO undies!!! That was not a good morning.

I love TJ though. We''re actually more a like than we are different. We''re both messy and procrastinators. But I think girls and guys are different messy.

We''ve lived together for the past 10 months, 4 of which were spent in my old apartment (essentially a studio). We learned to live with each other very quickly. It''s all about compromise and supporting each other.

 

[somethingshiny]

My husband ALWAYS leaves items within three feet of the proper home. Laundry (which he at least sometimes brings down) is left in FRONT of the laundry room door. Dishes are left on the countertop instead of in the sink. Trash is left BY the back door.

But, he can''t stand that at any given time I have ten books on my bedside table, a mountain dew can in the living room, and something marinating.

So, you either get used to it, or find ways to irritate him...