Those of you living together--how do you work out who pays for what?

[Sha]

I'm in a similar position as I make a little more than twice DH"s salary right now (hopefully he will get some gigs soon, which will help a lot), so I'm carrrying most of the household expenses, including the rent, the bills, our land payment, and most of the food. Plus, he has a lot of debts to take care of, so I decided to cover most of the major expenses so he can pay down on some of his loans. It's definitely burdensome to be carrying most of the weight, and sometimes, even though I'm glad he's getting a chance to get on top of his debt, I feel resentful for having to pay for everything. I also feel resentful sometimes that he didn't manage his debt well enough in the past, so that we don't have to be in this position. My disposable income has gone down a lot - when I lived alone I had lots of money to do fun things - buy clothes here and there. Now I have none because I have to carry the greater share of our expenses now. It feels like I have to watch every penny! Which definitely wasn't the case before.

I can imagine that you feel the same way - that even though it's not justyou anymore, that things have gotten more difficult financially, instead of easier, like they're supposed to?

I thought they would get easier, but I guess that only really happens if the other partner has a reasonable amount to contribute to the household. It sounds like your BF really isn't making as much as both of you would like him to make, so I could imagine how much of the weight falls on you. I definitely sympathize! It's hard to be 'the one' trying to manage everything all the time, making sure the two of you don't go overboard on certain things, etc, etc. And it definitely doesn't make it easier being so far away from home, and being in a demanding job at the same time. It's probably a lot more stress than you thought you would have, and really want to have right now, I suppose. Did you know about his job situation when you moved to the UK? I probably would feel resentful if I moved away from my home, only to be in such a financially stressful position. That bit of resentment would probably cause me to feel a bit bitter at any overspending on BF's part, definitely. Even if it's just 5 pounds!

How would you feel if he doesn't get a better job anytime soon? Like someone else said, I think you need to figure out whether it's his overspending that's bothering you, or something else. How do you feel about the fact that he doesn't have the qualifications to get his desired job right now? Does that bother you? Do you foresee yourself as being the breadwinner in the relationship after the two of you get married, and how do you feel about that? Do you think he's making all the necessary efforts to get a better job/upgrade his qualifications? Is he as financially responsible as you would like him to be?

Until he gets a better job, I do think it would be helpful to re-emphasize how restricted both of you have to be on spending right now, because of your financial position. Have you ever shown him your budget? I know my DH didn't understand it when I told him I didn't have money for such and such, because he would think, "But you're making XXXX dollars every month! ?" Only when I sat him down and showed him all the expenses and what they added up to, he understood. Also, I'm a little bit more 'free' in talking about how tight things are as well. If he says, "Hey hon, could you pick up some fresh peppers at the store today? I want to make stir-fried tofu tongiht" Instead of 'trying' to squeeze money out of nowhere I'll explain to him that I really need the money for rent/bills/other expenses and could we just use the other vegetables in the fridge instead?" That helps him realize how tight things really are.

 

[purselover]

Hi Gwen, I''m sorry for your troubles. There''s a reason why in the US money is the number one cause of divorce. Figuring out the money situation can be extremely hard and stressful.

Here''s my situation I think it''s so much easier just to share money equally (I know many of you are very against this but it works really well for me) I was really against sharing money at first when SO proposed it, he was making more than twice my salary and I felt uncomfortable spending "his" money, but it really is such a pain to figure out who pays for what groceries, and when we go out to eat, or the movies, should we split it? Should he pay more since he makes more? It was enough to make your head spin. So I was against it at first but decided to try it b/c as he pointed out when we get married we''d have to figure it out anyway, and it''s better to work it out now than later. Now SO is in school and I make all the money, and it still works well, I would feel terrible making him pay for rent and food out of student loans when I can afford it, to me that seems cruel. Once he graduates he will probably make at least 5 times what I do and that''s fine with both of us. I support him now, in the future he will make the majority of the money, either way we''re equals.

Personally I would be really hurt if SO thought frivolous spending should only be done by him if he were making more, and I would never tell him not to buy a little something for himself right now even though he''s not contributing. If you''re spending the rest of your life together who really cares who contributes what? I would hate to have my spending "policed" by my partner you should trust each other to not spend excessively. I mean in the grand scheme of life who cares about a few dollars here and there? It''s not like he went out and bought a new car.

I think you both need to sit down and write out how much you guys earn and what the necessities are and how they will be paid, it''s up to you guys to decide who will be responsible for what and what to do with any "leftover" money. I think everyone needs to be on the same page when it comes to spending and saving, money can cause way too many problems, and it''s really so silly when you think about it to fight over a few dollars here and there.

Hope you guys can figure this out you don''t want to spend the Holidays with this over your head

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

We split everything 50:50. In specific, we split rent, I pay for cable, he pays for heat and water. We share grocery expenses and we evenly split who pays for dinner. He makes way more money than me, and I am a student, but I try my best to split things up evenly since we are both trying to start our savings (e.g. for RRSP''s).

 

[miss_flo]

Oh gosh Gwen, lots of hugs for your tight situation. I would probably overreact for unnecessary purchases too, even if they were small since you''ve been sacrificing too. It does sound like a budgeting discussion is in order, not in detail but in philosophy. Just ask that he honor your support and sacrifice by being as frugal as possible. Best of luck.

 

[Blackpaw]

im in the same situation as purselover. SO and i will be together forever so there has never been an issue of money. For awhile i made more than him, then he made more than me, now we''re about even, but i fully expect it to see-saw back and forth.

That being said its a tough situation when you''re living on one income, and you should make it clear that if you''re paying for everything then his money is really your money if that makes any sense. Or rather id be clear that if you''re ''keeping'' him, he has a responsibility with his earnings to support you however he can.

Mmm tough one...

Oh and like purselover i would recommend joint accounts. They''re much easier. I know some people are concerned about merging finances from the point of view of their own financial security, But im pretty sure that in a lot of places (and definitely in Aust.) after 6 months living together as far as the law is concerned what''s theirs is yours and whats yours is theirs - regardless of whether the accounts are separate. It also makes it easier for both partners to see how lmuch of your joint income living expenses take up, and how much is left at the end of the month

but i dont know, its tough

 

[katamari]

Hi Gwen. This is certainly a difficult situations, and I think you and J will have to have a discussion and figure out what will work best for you. You will also have to decide if it matters that you have unequal salaries as part of this and if you see equality as even or proportional contributions.

FI and I have decided that even is equality for us, so we literally have a day where we sit down with all bills and receipts and spit them up. Even down to dinners and going out unless one of us clearly states that it is our treat. We go through each item on grocery receipts and figure out if it was his, mine, or ours. We talked about it first and explored a lot of options, but this is what ended up working for us. We are both on limited grad student budgets, and I didn''t want to have a joint account because I didn''t want to have to budget my leisure money or have to discuss it.

In your situation, I am more like J. Even though I don''t make a lot of money, I do treat myself to some things I want and don''t need. I feel like I deserve to reward myself from time to time, and though I never do anything opulent, I know it is money my FI wouldn''t spend. So, I wanted to keep my own account separate so that I wouldn''t have to discuss them.

It is really tough. One thing I would not include as part of the negotiations, though, is not to really expect that there will be 100% efficiency in the budget. Money will be lost, wasted, and squandered. I totally think that it is reasonable to make sure the bills are paid and even have a mandatory amount that you save each check with a totally hands off saving account. But, you both need some room to spend. IMO, that is why this is so frustrating to you. You are right that you also deserve to spend a couple pounds every now and then or do something special with one another. Maybe even if you just budget in 20 pounds a month for each of you as an allowance or something. I don''t know, it is very difficult. Good luck.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hi everyone--I''m at work at the moment so this will have to be quick but I just wanted to pop in to let you know that I stayed up until J got home from work last night and we had a talk about our budget. I showed him a list of our monthly expenses and what they amount to, and how they all cost more than what I make per month. Then I added in extra costs we paid out this month, like for my leave to remain payment and for our Wii, and showed him how we had just barely enough to cover all of that with his salary, so there was no room for any extras, no matter how small. We talked about how, until he has secured a better job (which I think he is in a pretty good position to within the next few months, and does have the home carer job as a means of bringing in *some* money, which is definitely good!), we will both need to contribute 100% of our earning to just making ends meet. Then, when he is working a proper job, we can work out how things will be on a regular basis so both of us have some spending money. He didn''t get upset with me like I thought he might, and he also said that he went back and forth about buying the magazine (which I didn''t grill him about, just said it made me think about our budget and he was fine with that) because he thought I might get upset--which he then said should''ve clued him in to the fact that he shouldn''t have gotten it in the first place. But I told him that the magazine itself wasn''t a big deal, but that we needed to be sure we both knew whether it was an appropriate time for frivolous spending or not.

 

[Dannielle]

Aaron earns 4 times what I make because I am a fulltime student and can only work 1/2 days a week.

I pay 1/3 rent and Aaron pays the rest plus food expenses. We halve water, gas and electricity bills.
I usually pay for things when we go out, like dinner, movies etc because I usually have more ''spare'' money and my Dad usually gives me quite a substantial amount of money each week.

When I finish university and we both reach our full earning potential we should be on around roughly the same six figure salary, so we don''t get to hung up on who pays for what because in the end it will be more 50/50

 

[bee*]

Glad that you guys had a chat Gwen! Sounds like it went well!

 

[gwendolyn]

Yeah, I''m quite happy with how it went.

It''s likely that I will always make more money than J, which is ok with me--I am just greatly looking forward to when he will be working a permanent, career-type job rather than holiday work which brings in a sad 18% of what I make (which, as a teacher, isn''t exactly great pay anyway).

Thanks as always for your suggestions and patience, ladies! I really appreciate the feedback you''ve given me.

 

[DearBuddha]

Normally my husband and I divide up our living expenses. Previously, he paid the rent and I paid for utilities, our car, and groceries. He makes significantly more than I do as a teacher (he''s a software engineer) so it made sense that he covered rent and I paid for everything else.

We recently moved to Boston and I''d been out of work for several months while I worked for my MA teaching license and looked around for a job. Needless to say, I didn''t pay for much while I was looking, but I''ve recently been hired on as a preschool teacher in a private school. Now we can go back to dividing our living expenses.

 

[ckrickett]

when the SO and I moved into the new house we talked about what we could afford and what I could afford. He makes over double what I make but I still don''t think it is fair for him to pay for everything. We decided on half the rent and as much of the utilities as I could possibly afford. He always pays for my food, groceries, entertainment when we go out, and if I want any little indulgence he will sometimes spoil me. I inturn do my best to pay rent (sometimes it is hard with my car payment) and help out however I can. I''m a server/bartender and I don;t have a fixed income so it varies month to month. If I have a good month I pay more if I have a bad month I don''t. He is great about everything, and I''m really lucky to have such a terrific guy. But it was a long road getting to where we were comfortable and took alot of communication and patience. It still is atough road but we work through it.

I think with every couple it goes differently, since everyone has their own problems, pitfalls, and important issues. Communication and patience is key, at least that is what I have found to be true.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Gwen, I''m really glad you brought this topic up. After I read your post, I spoke with my BF about how we''ve been dividing our expenses. Right now, we''re both in law school, so we split ours evenly. I''ll pay the rent, bills, etc. since the apartment and everything was all originally in my name, but he''ll pay me his half. But I wonder about this when we graduate. We''re actually going to be making the same salary, exactly, for the first few years we''re working, but I''m going to be graduating with 6-figure debt, and he''s going to have....no debt (jerk got lucky with a great scholarship, lol). I''m sure we''ll still split evenly but your post has definitely got me thinking!

Good luck with your predicament - it sounds like you''ve gotten great advice and i''m sure you''ll work it out!

 

[JulieN]

So this thread is getting kind of long, but I'll detail my arrangement:

BF makes about 5x my monthly budget, per month. I actually don't make money, since I'm a student.

I spend almost all of my monthly budget on food/bills/rent. My own necessities are a small fraction of my budget.

Once my money is gone, BF pays for anything else we need. He also always pays for "us fun-stuff." I do not spend any money on fun stuff (because I'd rather stay home than spend money.)

I don't think it's fair, because we spend all of my money, and then I haven't saved anything. But as long as I get to decide HOW I spend all of my money, I'm ok with that. For example, I usually pay for groceries. If he wants to put food that I think is overpriced into the cart, I get upset.

 

[KCCutie]

I have to damit I was bad I didn''t read through every response yet but I''ll go back later and read them through b/c they do look great.

Funny, your J sounds similar to my E in that he loves to buy "little things." The problem is he doesn''t realize how much they can add up. These little things could drive me nuts b/c they are things I could live without entirely but they make him happy. So, when we moved in together and I wanted to help him save more I asked to look at his bank statement and I went through and made a spreadsheet of all his debit card purchases (I know super-nerdy) just to show him how much he spends per week on cigarettes, drinks, lunches and other misc. junk it was a sobering experience for both of us. We then agreed that he would have set amount each week -like an allowance- for those things. My idea was to take it out in cash and when it''s gone it''s gone, but he assured me he could hadle the budget in his head and actaully he''s done very well. Now when he is ready to buy my ring(mentally) he might actually be financially ready too and I think that will make both of us very happy.At first I was afraid he''d be upset and think I was treating him like a child but when he saw how much he was really spending he was so happy that I took the time to help him.

On another note weather it has to do with money or laundry, men are not mind readers....You have to tell him if something bugs you. Even if it''s just a little. You can''t let these things build up and you have to give him a chance to change. Co-habitating can be tough but it''s also wonderful and I wish you much love and happiness with you SO and your new place.

 

[JulieN]

I missed your update, but J sounds super sweet!

 

[wishful]

I make crap for $$ but I love my job, I've been at it for 12 years and I get 4 wks paid vacation a year and it's basically low stress.
Also I have a 95 Ford Ranger that sometime in the near future is going to kick the bucket.
So we have agreed that for now, I will take the money I normally spent on rent and put that in savings so that when the time comes for us to get me a new car we can pay as much cash for it as possible.

Switching jobs has crossed my mind but the ease of work environment and the fact that I have 4 weeks of vacation a year (he really wants to travel!!) and the fact that we don't need me to switch for financial reasons keeps me from doing so.

Honestly, FI pays for pretty much everything.
In return I try to get him really nice (and more upper end) gifts for things like x-mas and his b-day.
And I do most of the cleaning around the house. (something he did very little of before I came along haha...)
I try to be helpful, supportive, thoughtful and thankful.

eta: I can totally understand your situation though (and I only replied after reading the title of your post and a bit of your story) the best thing is to be open and honest with how you feel. FI and I did discuss our arrangement of the finances before I moved in.

 

[that_someone_special]

He pays for 98% of things.
And we''ll be living together in 8 weeks. He owns his own place and can afford ALL bills if need be, but I am planning on giving him a few hundred a month to help with whatever.

IT SUCKS. I feel like crap. But, I do everything I can to help him out (even now) and I know it''s temporary.

Sorry you''re having problems.

Hope they get better soon.

 

[rnbwsktles]

Date: 12/4/2008 1:17:12 PM
Author: misskitty

We''re waiting a little bit on getting completely joint accounts; for now, we''re going to open a ''bills'' account that we''ll each transfer money into each month so we don''t have to deal with writing checks back and forth. Later on, probably after we''re married, we''ll merge our bank accounts.

This is exactly the system FI and I have talked about using when I move in. I did this with 2 roommates I had in college and it was fantastic. Any one of us could pay the rent or electric bill without having to worry about collecting the money from everyone. FI and I also decided to use this for groceries as well as basic household needs. We''ll each have a debit card we can use at the store so we do not need to worry about paying each other back for things we couldnt write a check for at the time.

 

[fieryred33143]

When we moved in I split it in a way that was fair. He was bringing in 30% of the income so he paid 30% of the joint bills. We kept everything separate...our accounts and our own bills.

Early this year (around February) he mentioned wanting to move into a house but knew that with all of my debt, it would take us a while. The man has zero debt. The only bill besides house bills that he has is a cell phone. I on the other hand had a car, student loans, and credit cards. And yet, even though I had all of the debt I saved a lot more than he did. He's not good with bank accounts. So he mentioned joining our accounts so that he could save and so that we can pay down "our" debt even though its really mine. So we joined accounts in May. Best decision for us ever. We have about 4 times as much money saved than what I had anticipated to save alone. I've been able to pay off all but one credit card and I'm making bigger payments towards my car (hopefully paid off by next year!). At the same time, because we joined the accounts it doesn't feel like 30/70 anymore.

It doesn't work for everyone but it definitely worked for us!

As for your questions Gwen…

Absolutely show him a breakdown of the finances and where the money goes. It’s not meant to be mean or to throw it in his face but he needs to be aware that the other 82% isn’t falling from the sky.

As far as who gets to spend money on what…that’s where the 30/70 mindset comes into play as I mentioned above. When we were splitting, *I* was very aware that I was paying more money. And when he showed up with stuff (magazines, CDs, etc) I would get highly annoyed. But I should not have because even though he’s only bringing in 30%, he still has a right to do with his money what he wishes. I would not expect him to tell me what to do with mine. But when you’re the breadwinner that is really hard.

The way we do it now in terms of spending money is that I keep a set amount in the checking account for the both of us to use. And every three/four months or so I re-evaluate. I was keeping $600 in their for the both of us for two weeks but when gas prices went up, I increased to $800. Now it’s going back down. I would just take a logical approach: how much does he really need for the week and how much do you really need. I came up with $600 based on how much we spend for food at work a week, gas, and then weekend money.

 

[Dandi]

Hi Gwen,

DH and I tried a few things before we worked out our long-term way of living. DH makes about 1.5 times as much as I do. He pays a set amount, about half of his base wage, onto the mortgage every fortnight, and pays all the bills except groceries. Whatever is left over in his savings account is ''play money'', or he uses it to buy stuff for the house, dinners out, etc. Or, if it''s a substantial amount and/or we don''t currently need anything, he puts it on the mortgage as an extra repayement. I sort of do the opposite... I have a set amount put into my savings account each week to pay for groceries and to save up for my own occasional bills, like car insurance. So, if I do overtime at work (which I do ALOT of!) it goes straight onto the mortgage, and I''m not tempted to spend it on something shiny

. Again, whatever is left in my account is left over for fun, dinner out or extra house repayments, depending on what is more appropriate.

It''s a bit confusing to read but it works really well for us, and we are giving our mortgage a shalacking! I think the point I tried to make though all that jibberish is that it may take a bit of trial and error to get it working for you guys, but I think Neatfreak''s post was sensational, and a great way to start!!

I''m glad you and J were able to discuss finances in more detail, he sounds like a real sweetheart who wants things to work for you guys. Good for you two!

 

[gwendolyn]

Thanks, guys, I really appreciate your help and suggestions. I think that once things are more stable, we''ll be able to be a bit more relaxed with our budget and will have some disposable cash while saving some and (of course) getting all the bills paid. I have such a hard time with things as they are, and my bank at home has misplaced about $300 of mine so I ended up in tears yesterday morning when paying my monthly bills because there just wasn''t enough to go around. I hate this feeling, of being my age and being so tight on money.

But things will get better at some point. I know they will.

 

[katica]

Gwendolyn
I''m glad you''re working things out.
In our case I make more money than my SO. We both make good money though. We pay rent, phone and cable 50-50 but when we go out he pays for everything. He also gets stuff for our place (vaccuum, rugs, cushion covers, etc) and does our weekly grocery shopping, though there''s a little grocery store on my way home from work so I''ll drop in there and get some veggies, fruit, cheese, etc almost everyday. We don''t really keep track of the groceries. Fortunately he doesn''t get unnecessary items and when he goes shopping for clothes, gifts, he tries to find good deal. So he''s careful with his money.
The thing that bothers me is that he tends to be careful with MY money too. What I mean by that is once in a while I''ll go shopping for clothes, or a purse, or whatever, and if he thinks it cost too much he''ll tell me to return it! So annoying. Of course I don''t go ahead and do what he says. It''s not like I''m buying extravagant things and I don''t go shopping often. And it''s MY money so it peeves me off when he asks me to return stuff. For example last weekend I bought a nine west purse and it cost 125 (Canadian) and he wanted me to return it. Arggggh