Timelines / Deadlines

[absolut_blonde]

I''ve seen both internal and external (shared with him) timelines on here.... when is one more appropriate than the other?

Is it ''unfair'' to have an idea in mind of when you plan to move on, without sharing that with him? I feel as though telling him might come off as issuing an ultimatum, which would never be my intention-- certainly by now I know it isn''t something you want to pressure someone into. I am thinking more, ''if we''re not on the same page by X date then I''m going to move on.'' [This is far off in the future still & not even entirely relevant just yet, but I was curious.]

 

[Lauren8211]

Ahhh!!!! This topic is sure to get a serious amount of responses!

There''s so many ways to look at deadlines, timelines, etc. Personally, I''d never give my BF a deadline, but we do talk timeline. I guess in the back of my mind, there is a little part of me that always figured that someone should "know" that they want to marry you by the time you''ve been together roughly 2 years. BF and I had the talk at 2 years, we both knew, but werent quite ready to get engaged due to school and financial issues.

If someone doesn''t "know" after 2+ years (this is flexible, but for me, 2 years makes sense, so dont jump down my throat if your BF took 3 years to "know" LOL) , I''d say they''ll never know, and if they do marry you, it''s more out of obligation than anything.

So once you both are on the same page, you can discuss when you both think you''re ready, and what timeline makes sense to both of you. This should be a compromise, not one person deciding on everything for everyone. Communication is key here.

I ALWAYS think that you should be honest with the other person, especially if that person has a deadline working against them that they don''t even know exists. However, if you''ve been with a guy a significant amount of time, who doesnt "know" and has no idea when he might "know" or if he''ll ever be ready, it''s time to walk if marriage is what you want. Timeline or not!

 

[tessari]

very interesting topic!

I agree with ElleDizzy--2 years sounds about right for when someone knows--but it is very case dependent. Maybe I also feel that way bc me and my bf knew right around the 2 year mark that marriage was in our future. He wasn''t ready to talk timelines for engagement and wedding until the one year mark of living together.
My family put tons of pressure on me bc I have a cousin who was with someone for 9 years--up to age 29--only to find out on their 9th anniversary that he didn''t want to marry her. They had never talked about the subject before--and they even lived together! Of course, as these things go, he is now married to someone else. I think that if marriage is something important to anyone in the relationship, when the time is right they have a right to bring it up--otherwise there could be a lot of disappointment!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Awhile I go I had created an internal deadline for myself to discuss our future very seriously if a proposal hadn''t happened yet. It was well planned that during this discussion I would make it clear that while I wanted a future with Mr. KTF I was not willing to sacrifice my dreams of having a family by continuing to wait around without a justified reason for me to do so. I wasn''t looking for him to tell me when he would propose or if he had been looking for rings, I was merely looking for him to tell me that he felt I was the one and the reasons we were not engaged were A, B and C.

When my internal deadline came, we sat down to discuss our situation. I did not give him an ultimatum. I made no demands other than for him to be honest with me. I did not think it was fair for me to pack my bags and wave good-bye to him one random day without giving him the opportunity to speak for himself and our relationship. I can not even begin to tell you how angry I would be with him if he was to just up and leave one day without at least explaining his stance to me. If a relationship is about equality and cooperation, I decided I owed him the same respect I would want.

It wasn''t easy but we got through the conversation and I felt much better about our situation after. There was no need for a timeline to be set. Unless my FFI chose to set his own timeline, I think timelines can set you up for disappointment and create a lot of pressure.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Interesting replies so far! I guess I should pose another question then-- what if you have discussed marriage and both agree that you DO want it in the future? I totally agree that someone should ''know'' if it''s a possibility within 1-2 years. But what about the waiting game after that?

 

[Lauren8211]

I think the waiting game part is iffy.

There''s a difference between waiting for a reason, and being full of crap with bad excuses. lol

If your boyfriend has legit reasons why he needs to wait, such as he''s still in school, studying for the bar, paying off loans, etc, etc, then I think waiting is acceptable.

You can tell when his excuses are BS. If he''s saying he wants to save more money, yet runs out and buys a brand new plasma tv -- I wouldnt dig that. Or if he says his career isn''t in the right place, but isn''t doing anything to further it, I wouldn''t buy that either.

Basically, actions speak louder than words. If his excuses are valid, and he''s working on them, I''d wait it out. If he says ones thing, and does another... it''s not looking good.

 

[fieryred33143]

I agree with what you are thinking.

I wouldn't give my boyfriend a "I want to be engaged by this date" speech. I have told him that I want to be married by 2009 so that we can start trying for children in 2010 (I'll be 28 by then and wanted to start having children by 2. But as far as dictating by when you should be engaged, I agree with you that I wouldn't do it. I analyze everything and it would be hard for me to move past thinking that he only asked because I gave him a deadline.

ETA: On the 2 year convo, I think that really depends on age, relationship status (for ex. LD versus not LD), and where you are. I guess we kind of always "knew" we were forever. We just didn't "know" how we felt about actually getting married until 6 or 7 months ago (after 5 years!). I know its kind of weird to know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone but not know whether you want to get married...I think we were fearful of how that paper would change us. Thank God we got over that

 

[tessari]

Maybe I''m crazy but I did outright tell my bf that I want to be engaged by age 29 and married by 30--sort of setting deadlines and ultimatums. He was actually really cool with it so it worked out well for me-- but I can easily see how that would backfire with some guys. I am very much of the "done waste my time" school of thought--easier said then done tho, to leave someone you love bc they don''t want to fit in with the plan.

 

[krispi]

Date: 7/9/2008 12:21:31 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I agree with what you are thinking.

I wouldn''t give my boyfriend a ''I want to be engaged by this date'' speech. I have told him that I want to be married by 2009 so that we can start trying for children in 2010 (I''ll be 28 by then and wanted to start having children by 2. But as far as dictating by when you should be engaged, I agree with you that I wouldn''t do it. I analyze everything and it would be hard for me to move past thinking that he only asked because I gave him a deadline.

ETA: On the 2 year convo, I think that really depends on age, relationship status (for ex. LD versus not LD), and where you are. I guess we kind of always ''knew'' we were forever. We just didn''t ''know'' how we felt about actually getting married until 6 or 7 months ago (after 5 years!). I know its kind of weird to know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone but not know whether you want to get married...I think we were fearful of how that paper would change us. Thank God we got over that

This sounds like where my BF is right now! He''s happy and wants us to be together, but he''s afraid that marriage will change things. Any information on how you got past that would be much appreciated.

Or is it just one of those things that only time can resolve?

 

[jojolh]

Before I decided to move in with my SO, we had some very long and serious talks. I had lived with someone before and after a very heartbreaking breakup, I swore I would never live w/ someone again unless I was at least engaged. I told my SO this and he assured me we would be engaged w/in a year. I am close to turning 37 (never been married) and he is 39 (married before w/ a 4 yr. old) and being married (esp. with a child involved) is very important to me. I am also no spring chicken and would like to seriously consider having a child (something he is on board with as well). Well, it will be a year in October and we have talked about rings as of late. It seems I have been doing most of the talking I just wonder if I never brought it up if he would just keep coasting along as we are. He is a self admitted procrastinator whereas I am definitely the planner.

So...I struggle with the internal deadline. I am not going to say anything else going forward about getting engaged, we had the talk, showed him rings that I like (online) and talked about using my mom''s old engagement ring. The ball is in his court now. I will say, I will be very disappointed if it does not happen before October since he knew how important it is to me and that I went against my own promise to move in together. I guess we''ll see what the next couple of months bring!

I am so thankful for this board where I can VENT away and keep my cool with my SO. It''s so hard though!!

 

[jojolh]

Date: 7/9/2008 12:49:10 PM
Author: jojolh
Before I decided to move in with my SO, we had some very long and serious talks. I had lived with someone before and after a very heartbreaking breakup, I swore I would never live w/ someone again unless I was at least engaged. I told my SO this and he assured me we would be engaged w/in a year. I am close to turning 37 (never been married) and he is 39 (married before w/ a 4 yr. old) and being married (esp. with a child involved) is very important to me. I am also no spring chicken and would like to seriously consider having a child (something he is on board with as well). Well, it will be a year in October and we have talked about rings as of late. It seems I have been doing most of the talking I just wonder if I never brought it up if he would just keep coasting along as we are. He is a self admitted procrastinator whereas I am definitely the planner.

So...I struggle with the internal deadline. I am not going to say anything else going forward about getting engaged, we had the talk, showed him rings that I like (online) and talked about using my mom's old engagement ring. The ball is in his court now. I will say, I will be very disappointed if it does not happen before October since he knew how important it is to me and that I went against my own promise to move in together. I guess we'll see what the next couple of months bring!

I am so thankful for this board where I can VENT away and keep my cool with my SO. It's so hard though!!

I just wanted to clarify...we dated for about 7 months before moving in together, so by October it will be a little over a year and a half total. From my above post I think it might have sounded like October would make a year we have been together.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 7/9/2008 12:48:10 PM
Author: krispi

Date: 7/9/2008 12:21:31 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I agree with what you are thinking.

I wouldn''t give my boyfriend a ''I want to be engaged by this date'' speech. I have told him that I want to be married by 2009 so that we can start trying for children in 2010 (I''ll be 28 by then and wanted to start having children by 2. But as far as dictating by when you should be engaged, I agree with you that I wouldn''t do it. I analyze everything and it would be hard for me to move past thinking that he only asked because I gave him a deadline.

ETA: On the 2 year convo, I think that really depends on age, relationship status (for ex. LD versus not LD), and where you are. I guess we kind of always ''knew'' we were forever. We just didn''t ''know'' how we felt about actually getting married until 6 or 7 months ago (after 5 years!). I know its kind of weird to know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone but not know whether you want to get married...I think we were fearful of how that paper would change us. Thank God we got over that

This sounds like where my BF is right now! He''s happy and wants us to be together, but he''s afraid that marriage will change things. Any information on how you got past that would be much appreciated.

Or is it just one of those things that only time can resolve?

It was a combination of things really. In giving him time to sort out his feelings, I found out that he was afraid of changes. It actually happened during a heated argument. Long story short, his friend involved us in some drama related to cheating on his wife and I wanted to have nothing to do with this friend of his. He starts going off about how “now” he can’t hang out with his friends and once we are married then he won’t be able to do anything. I asked him then if he really thought marriage would change who he is and he said yes. He thought that we were happy the way that we were and nothing needed to change. I had to remind him that in the 5.5 years we had been together (prior to talking about marriage), nothing about his personality or his friendships had ever changed…not even moving in together changed anything in his lifestyle except he gets a hot girl to come home to (oops did I say that outloud?).
He realized he was being silly…but it was a combination of talking it through and giving him time.

 

[krispi]

Thanks, Fiery! We did have a conversation where he told me he felt that way. I told him that I disagreed - that I felt marriage would only make things better and listed the reasons why. I guess now I just need to work some more on the giving him time thing...

 

[Bia]

For BF and I, we both mutually decided 2008 was the year. He has been careful to discuss more than that because he feels it should be easy, fun and a surprise (he is so hell bent on that one thing, whereas I am not that concerned with a surprise proposal), as well as no pressure. I have been excited about the idea of getting engaged but have toned down the talking about the ring and the whole bit. While I don''t know that I have an internal deadline, if it were to not happen by the end of this year, I would know immediately that there was a reason and we would have to discuss it further. He and I were not ready before now, so giving eachother ultimatums doesn''t make sense in our situation but because I am ready, if he were to change his mind then I would let him know that he has to make a decision and if he''s not ready, then he needs to understand I will have to move on.

Hopefully this won''t be an issue.

 

[krispi]

Oh, and as to the OP''s question, I do think you have to tell him something. Sharing the actual date might come across as too much of an ulimatum, but I think you owe it to him to let him know where you are and that if a commitment isn''t coming soon, you might have to make a difficult decision about how long you''re willing to wait.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Deadlines should remain internal unless he vocalizes his. More often than not, you're not ready to go when the deadline comes--I set two internal deadlines. When the first came and went, I felt we were making progress and wanted to give it more time. I never made it to the second deadline (2 months later). Sometimes your internal deadline and when you're 100% ready to let go don't always coincide, which is why keeping it to yourself is key. I think that having multiple open, not-overly-emotional discussions about the direction of the relationship is much more healthy than a looming relationship "deadline"--nobody wants a forced proposal.

 

[tessari]

Date: 7/9/2008 1:16:19 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Deadlines should remain internal unless he vocalizes his. More often than not, you''re not ready to go when the deadline comes--I set two internal deadlines. When the first came and went, I felt we were making progress and wanted to give it more time. I never made it to the second deadline (2 months later). Sometimes your internal deadline and when you''re 100% ready to let go don''t always coincide, which is why keeping it to yourself is key. I think that having multiple open, not-overly-emotional discussions about the direction of the relationship is much more healthy than a looming relationship ''deadline''--nobody wants a forced proposal.

There is a big difference between a forced proposal and telling someone what you want and leaving it open for discussion. Some guys really don''t have a clue. It''s just like the early part of a relationship--where most guys don''t think about making it exclusive--they need a nudge and sometimes a not so gentle nudge otherwise they just go coasting along.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 7/9/2008 2:09:21 PM
Author: tessari

Date: 7/9/2008 1:16:19 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Deadlines should remain internal unless he vocalizes his. More often than not, you''re not ready to go when the deadline comes--I set two internal deadlines. When the first came and went, I felt we were making progress and wanted to give it more time. I never made it to the second deadline (2 months later). Sometimes your internal deadline and when you''re 100% ready to let go don''t always coincide, which is why keeping it to yourself is key. I think that having multiple open, not-overly-emotional discussions about the direction of the relationship is much more healthy than a looming relationship ''deadline''--nobody wants a forced proposal.

There is a big difference between a forced proposal and telling someone what you want and leaving it open for discussion. Some guys really don''t have a clue. It''s just like the early part of a relationship--where most guys don''t think about making it exclusive--they need a nudge and sometimes a not so gentle nudge otherwise they just go coasting along.

Oh, absolutely. By forced, I meant given under an ultimatum.

 

[misscuppycake]

I think it''s important to keep the timelines/deadlines internal too because the second you voice it, you''re basically giving him an ultimatum. However, this is not to say that I don''t think general timelines should be discussed. Your internal timeline should be based on something the couple has actually worked out and at least seriously touched on. You can''t be dating a guy for a year without ever talking about marriage and suddenly decide that December 25, 2010 is the day or bust. You had to have at least had some sort of REAL conversation about the idea of marriage and when it is coming even before you create your personal timelines. Everyone has to be crystal clear about intentions but I don''t think a specific date and year should ever be said out loud because there are many reasons for not being able to get engaged/married at a certain time. Things happen and you have to roll with it. Perhaps a general timeline (say, a span of a year) is okay to say externally but anything more specific than that automatically becomes an ultimatum no matter how you try to slice it.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I''ve thought about deadlines, but I''ve never set one, ether internal or external. Having said that, I am pretty sure that if I don''t have a proposal by the time it''s time to renew my lease (next year), I will decide to leave. I moved across the state so that we could have a relationship living in the same city (FINALLY!!!) with the understanding that we love each other, see marriage in our future, and want to enjoy having a normal dating relationship for now. I didn''t need a ring to move here, but we talk about rings and getting married next year etc, so if he doesn''t propose this fall, I''ll start bringing it up and asking him what he''s feeling, why he''s waiting etc. And if there''s no proposal by the spring, I think I''d be so hurt, that at that point, I''d start mentally preparing myself for a move. YUCK, I don''t want to think about that!!!

so anyways, I guess deadlines are good, but it''s more about knowing what you want, being honest about it, and finding out if the SO has the same ideas about his life.

I''ve made it very clear to my boyfriend that marriage and children (or the pursuit of marriage and children) ARE in my future, with or without him. It would break my heart, but it''s non-negotiable. YOu have to know what''s non-negotiable in your life.

 

[gwendolyn]

I had a sort of time line, but not for engagement stuff--for career stuff. It was really hard, because I remember a couple of times thinking that I basically had no choice but to call it all off because I loved him so much, but couldn''t be with someone who wasn''t ready to be financially independent. Our life situation (living in different countries) imposed a deadline of sorts, since at the end of my master''s degree (now, essentially) I could either go back home on my own, or stick it out here in England with him. We had a lot of difficult conversations, and because we were honest with each other (even when it was really hard), we''ve made it through. We''re not out of the woods yet, but we''re definitely on the same page: growing together and working towards the same goals. I think, if I hadn''t seen that progress start when it did, we would''ve broken up a few months ago, because I wouldn''t have wanted to make the sacrifice to live away from home for another year for someone who couldn''t put forth the effort to make any action towards our future.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 7/9/2008 5:13:04 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I've thought about deadlines, but I've never set one, ether internal or external. Having said that, I am pretty sure that if I don't have a proposal by the time it's time to renew my lease (next year), I will decide to leave. I moved across the state so that we could have a relationship living in the same city (FINALLY!!!) with the understanding that we love each other, see marriage in our future, and want to enjoy having a normal dating relationship for now. I didn't need a ring to move here, but we talk about rings and getting married next year etc, so if he doesn't propose this fall, I'll start bringing it up and asking him what he's feeling, why he's waiting etc. And if there's no proposal by the spring, I think I'd be so hurt, that at that point, I'd start mentally preparing myself for a move. YUCK, I don't want to think about that!!!

so anyways, I guess deadlines are good, but it's more about knowing what you want, being honest about it, and finding out if the SO has the same ideas about his life.

I've made it very clear to my boyfriend that marriage and children (or the pursuit of marriage and children) ARE in my future, with or without him. It would break my heart, but it's non-negotiable. YOu have to know what's non-negotiable in your life.

Incidentally, I am in nearly the EXACT same boat. I just moved to SO's city, in the same province but a few hours away. How long have you been there?

I'm willing to wait a year and after that, I would probably put the plans in motion to move back. It just won't be worth it, to me, to be here away from my friends & family without a commitment beyond that timeframe. Given our ages and financial situation (which should be good by then), that's also the point where I'd frankly start to think he was dragging his heels for no good reason. So that's kind of what spawned this post... do I make this known or not?

We've discussed marriage/children already and we're (relatively) on the same page. Which is good because, like you, both are non-negotiable for me. Mostly we just diverge on timelines somewhat- I'd probably have children like, now, if I could!- and it does concern me. As the one who moved, I worry that I'll grow to resent him if he makes me wait too long. I've voiced this concern to him and he has told me not to worry (ie that I shouldn't be waiting long enough for that to happen).

But, it's the whole 'boy soon vs girl soon' issue. Combined with him wanting it to be a surprise, etc.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I moved here (Corpus Christi) on June 22, so very recently! About a week ago, I got all aflutter like, "okay, when are we gonna get engaged? I''m here!" and then I remembered... oh yeah, I said I wanted to enjoy having a boyfriend in the same city for a while before we get engaged, and I told him that and we agreed on it, so why am I getting all anxious about the next step like he''s keeping me waiting!!! I think I just start to get worried because we talked about getting married next year (not a promise, that''s just what we''ve kind of been saying), and I feel like if he doesn''t propose this fall, then he''ll be dragging his feet and my feelings will be hurt. So for a deadline? It won''t be an ultimatum, but more of a realization or a push to say what he needs to say. I''ve always been like that with boyfriends, him included. I''ve been in a few break-up situations where the guy was being all wishy-washy. I was like, "look, I know that you know what you want or what you don''t want, but you just don''t know how to say it or don''t have the courage. Just tell me, so that I can do what I need to do."


I don''t recommend a "surprise! You didn''t propose so I''m outta here, buddy!" type of deadline, but I think it''s important for you to know your expectations and share those expectations with your SO once you figure it out. I used to be scared to share emotions with SO or fears about "rocking the boat", but I''ve come to realize that if you have to worry about revealing too much or scaring a guy off, then he''s not the right guy. So I recommend just taking a deep breath and relaxing for a while to enjoy your relationship, but always remember that you shouldn''t feel scared to talk to him if something is bothering you.


PS - I think I wrote this "advice" for me as much as you.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

oh, and as for your original question, I haven''t told him that if he doesn''t propose this fall, I''ll be hurt and if not by spring, then I''m moving on.

1. I''m not even sure of that myself, and you should never say something like that without being prepared to follow it up... kind of like, "never ask a question if you''re not ready for the answer."

2. Why talk about deadlines and hurt feelings that are so far in the future when he has plenty of time to do it on his own? My professor in grad school once told me that I was too much of a crystal ball gazer - spending so much time thinking about the future and worrying about things that I couldn''t help at the moment that it took away from my concentration on the present. So I try not to do that so much with our relationship because it''s so much fun just being in the same city finally.

 

[that_someone_special]

Well, I gave an ultimatum. I''m not proud of it. It was during a fight, when i was freaking out, that I''d be waiting forever. Originally we said at one year, we''d get engaged-- or around there. A year passed and we were not ready. I still freaked out. I am not proud of this.. but I''m telling you how it went!
Anyways, I told him that by 2 years, I would not date him anymore. It''s done. It''s over (more like, we''re not on the same page). I''d never WANT to leave him, but if he didnt feel the same way I did, why wait forever?? That was around the time I found this site and saw some women waitng FOR YEARS. There is actually an example of that in my family where someone dated someone else for 11 years, then broke up with them over the issue of children. I mean, really??? 11 years?
I started freaking out that I''d be one of those people. I don''t want to be.

So.. what have we been doing? We turned my freakout into a timeline. My BF got laid off, and the money still isn''t rolling in. I can''t expect him to buy me a ring when there is no income right??? Right. So obviously, I''m going to have to be flexable in our timeline. He said very sweetly that if he didn''t have a job by XX date that he could only afford a $1000 band... and he would still propose to me. To me.. that seemed fake.. like he just wants to please me. BUT we''ll see. His intentions are not fake, and my ultimatum turned into a time line. He knows how hard it is for me to wait. I love this man! I don''t want to wait at all.. but in the LONG scheme of things if I have to wait 4 more months for the man of my dreams and a real ring.. I''d be crazy to throw a fit over that.

And if anyone cares, yes we''ve done minor therapy (mostly me though). We went through a rough patch of me constantly picking fights and FREAKING out over EVERYTHING. I can remember a time where I would cry about something every single day for a week plus. Bawling, just bawling my eyes out. And this might be TMI but I''m on a new BC that is loads better. I''m like a sane person again

So, what I''ve learned is that ultimatums suck. You''ll never know if they want to do it because they love you or want to be with you... or if they just wanted to "shit instead of getting off the pot".

Timelines are MUCH better. They let the other person know what the other person is expecting, or what they feel they would want in the future. keeping in mind that sometimes the plan as to change, but if you are both in it for the long haul... whats a few more months or just more time????

I hope my crazy post helps. I''m a little shy about posting something so unflattering of myself.. but I hope it helps!

 

[KimberlyH]

Part of being a couple is figuring out what works for both of you, and that doesn''t end when the proposal happens (by a certain date, or not) but gets harder as you get married and have to figure out things like: where to live, whether or not to have children, how many children to have, how finances will be handled, who will take out the trash. etc. I''ve always viewed the discussion of engagement, including when it''s going to happen, as the beginning of a series of lifelong compromises to make you, as a couple, as happy and healthy as you possibly can be.

That being said, if one member of a couple wants to get married, determines a timeline and doesn''t even bother to share it with her significant other, I think he or she is setting him or herself up for failure and disappointment. Doesn''t the person you (I''m using you collectively) want to marry have a right to know how you''re feeling and why? And shouldn''t you, as a team, determine what is best for your relationship and how you''re going to work out whatever it is you''re discussing, from engagement to garbage duty, so that neither of you feels slighted, strung along, irritated, etc.?

I don''t see anything wrong with the partner who feels the other is ignoring his or her desires, and attempts to communicate them, to say "I want to be engaged, and I want to be engaged to you, but if that''s not where you''re headed then I need to take my life in a different direction. What would be a reasonable amount of time for you to figure out whether or not we want the same things?" and then let the compromising being, if need be.

 

[jcarlylew]

(without reading others opinions)... IMO i feel that in order to set a "timeline" you have to set one for yourself first. That did not happen for me until i realized what i really wanted in a relation and had to go through all the frogs first. It took a lot of time and courage (for me) to realize who was worth it, and who was not. Which was REALLY hard to do since i am a hopeless romantic (as i remind my mom "I will always find a way to fall in love. thats who i am. it is true love is when i stay in love").

Once i got through all the ups and downs i realized (like others) i dont want to date for 5 years and have it turn into nothing. which meant turning down dates/relationships with certain people. But i happened to find my guy (oh heck, we already knew eachother, so that helped!) i told him early on that i like where we are headed, but i need to know if he is not looking for a serious relationship that has a future, and that i wont wait forever. Needless to say, i''m glad we had the conversation. It put my mind at ease about waiting for the proposal. So i know he is at least on the same page with me.

I think once you have that discussion it does help lead into other serious topics that need to be discussed before marriage (kids, jobs, expectation, etc). Right now the only battle is the prenup convo. I don''t want one - he does. I might bend his way, but only if he does the work to research it. The only thing we''d be protecting would be our debts

So - to sum up my rambles...

Timelines are important to have, but not an ultimatume. I think time line discussions are even more important to have becuase then you can put eachother''s mind at ease! My ideal is 2-5 years depending on the relationship. Outside of college and living together to me should be 2-3 years max (IMO). but there are always IF ANDS OR BUTS

 

[LeggoMyEggo]

The trouble with deadlines, in my opinion, is that they give you some satisfaction in the meantime to stop worrying, but when the time comes they aren''t always that effective. I was once in a very long relationship (several years) with a man who said he wanted to marry me and initiated conversation about it all the time, but once he was financially secure and had a good thing going in his career, he started dragging his feet. For someone so excited about getting married, I never could figure out why he wouldn''t do it.

I gave myself deadlines internally, but they would come and go and I wouldn''t leave. Eventually I gave a deadline to him, letting him know that I couldn''t wait beyond a certain time to get married, which only led to his resentment of me-- he felt manipulated. Granted, by then our relationship had deteriorated because of all this LIW crap, but I think most men would have a negative reaction to their girlfriend giving them an ultimatum, no matter how it''s phrased.

I knew the relationship was over when I realized that no matter how he proposed, I would never under any circumstances feel happy about it because I had pushed and cajoled so much. I was never going to feel like he truly wanted to marry me. I couldn''t live with a lifetime of doubt about why he asked, so I decided to move on. It was painful, but it was worth it. After so many years with him, it took only a couple of weeks before the sadness was outweighed by a feeling of complete liberation! The relief of not constantly wondering, "Will he? When? Why hasn''t he?" is indescribable.

Now I''m with the man of my dreams, and oddly enough even if he wants to wait ages and ages to get married, I don''t have any sense that my hopefulness will turn into anxiety the way it did before. Sure, I''m already excited, but I can wait and wait and wait if I need to. So, I suppose my point is that maybe timelines are alright if they are *discussed and brainstormed* as a couple, but when they are dictated by one person they''re often a bad idea.

 

[supergirl10]

I disagree i did set a timeline. He had been discussing marriage early in our relationship but i still felt too young, even though i was sure that i did want to marry him. Then we got comfortable. I was certain that he was going to propose this year and we had tried on rings away on holidays.

Then a whole multitude of dramas occurred both family, financially and personally for us as a couple. I should have known (his personality and being a stressor and procrastinator) that he wouldn''t propose while any drama was occurring but i was still hopeful that since we were getting through this it was a sign that we could get through anything.

Due to these circumstances we decided to buy our first home and I was reluctant to do so unless we were engaged but it was all happening to fast and i was scared to tell him this. We actually were outbidded on the house and i took this as a sign to discuss my concerns. I told him that i had hoped that he would propose this year (as aprial would make it four years in total we had been together.) I also explain that I believed after 4 years of dating (including a year and a half of living together) if we weren''t getting married, then what were we doing, I was certain and I was wondering whether he actually was?

Here comes the timeline bit ... I told him that i would like to get engaged this year and married in early ''10. This was very important to me and i could be flexible with engagement but the wedding was my make or break deal as by then it would be 6 years.
I gave him one month to think about it and then we agreed we would have a serious conversation.

Honestly it was the best thing i ever did.
He told me that he had thought long and hard about it and he wanted to get engaged this year (within the next few months actually) and married in ''10 as well. He said that he couldn''t see any reason why we shouldn''t get married after all her WAS SURE! He was also glad that i had brought it up and admitted that he had been procrastinating and my timeline had been the thing to put us both back on track. Sorry about this long post.