To Elope or Not - things to consider when you start wedding planning

[ringster]

hi everyone,

in my wedding planning experiences thus far, i have realized a few things that going in, if i had know more, i might have made some different choices. i've started this thread in the hopes of gathering info for those who are just starting out their wedding planning or for those future brides to consider so that they can make the most informed choice. plus, this topic seems to come up kiddingly and not so kiddingly on the forum.

i was totally naive about weddings in general and definitely about wedding planning, what things cost, etc.

so my advice thus far is :

if you were never one of those girls who dreamed about a wedding or was interested in a big event, consider elopement and then having a big party after you return.

weddings cost a lot of money - this i did not realize going into it - so if you are also a budget bride or one that wants their money to stretch or are having your wedding in an expensive city you might want to consider elopement too. and elopement doesn't have to necessarily mean just you and FI but can also include your immediate family.

the benefits :

1) you get to spend less time planning for the big day and more focus on what you want to do for the actual ceremony and it is less stress

2) by having an event afterwards for immediate and extended family and friends, it will probably involve less "wedding" type planning and won't have the label of "wedding" that vendors seem to jack prices up on.

3) you could possibly get to wear your dress twice

4) you'll be unique - not many people elope !

i guess it won't be until after my wedding that i can really say which way i retrospectively would have chosen but just thought i'd throw out these thoughts in the hope that some others might benefit. so far i am enjoying certain aspects to the planning and others eh.

any others have thoughts/suggestions/etc on the topic?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''d add that you have to consider how much it means to both of you that your families are there for the legal ceremony. I was 100% pro-elopement--I did NOT want to plan a wedding, I didn''t even want a reception at all, I hated the idea of spending a ton of money--but when DH told me that having his family there was extremely important to him, I really understood. If we had eloped, we would have invited both sets of parents (which is more of a tiny destination wedding than an elopement).

I''m all for elopements and think that just the bride and the groom making a commitment to each other that is completley private is wonderful! But only if you''re BOTH in favor!

 

[Independent Gal]

I think you should elope. All of you. No matter what your situation.

OK, so I''m just grumpy right now.

But seriously. Elope.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 2/4/2008 4:22:39 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think you should elope. All of you. No matter what your situation.

OK, so I''m just grumpy right now.

But seriously. Elope.

I''m with Indy.

 

[Erin]

I''ve never been married or even started planning a wedding.
Though I must say when I close my eyes and think of ''my'' wedding it is wearing a fancy dress and dancing with my family and friends.
Everyone''s tipsy and laughing and dancing and hugging.

It''s never been important for me to have bridesmaids, or a church, or even a dinner for that matter.
Looks like I''m getting married in a disco!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 2/4/2008 4:37:18 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 2/4/2008 4:22:39 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think you should elope. All of you. No matter what your situation.

OK, so I''m just grumpy right now.

But seriously. Elope.

I''m with Indy.

Truely, Elope.
I wanted to elope to Barcelona> I could have gotten married in the most beautiful place in the world, not having to spend frightning amounts of money, fighting with relatives, sorting out things I never cared about. Just me, my FI our very close frends from Germany and the mediteranean air.
Instead, I am fighting with my FMIL, I am stressed out of my mind, doing everything I can to keep the families seperate to prevent disaster (our parents haven''t met yet and we are getting maried in 8 months), trying to feed vegans, meat eaters, celiacs, organic nuts, Europeans and people who don''t like "snob" food, etc all while trying to get into grad school and working 50 hours a week.

SAVE YOURSELVES!

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh Brazen. I hear ya.

Seriously girls. Elope.

 

[ringster]

i think all of us who are currently in wedding planning mode and are suggesting to elope should repost here on this thread after their wedding - say 3 months after - and say if they would have still preferred to elope or give the pros and cons of not eloping after the fact. i think it will be interesting to know. i myself am really curious as to how i will feel after the wedding day.

my FI wanted to elope but did i listen to him ... nope ... darn hate that he might be right! but not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing

... at least not yet ...

 

[NewEnglandLady]

You are all hilarious! You sound like me 3 months before my wedding! I had this whole idea in my head about just me and D on a Hawaiian beach because I couldn''t deal with our 30 (yes only 30!) guests--one didn''t like the food, one invited all of her kids, I hated my dress, I kept saying "I didn''t want the bleeping wedding to begin with!"

And of course the day of the wedding when D and I looked out at our guests during the ceremony to thank them for being such a significant part of our lives, not a single eye was dry and that meant more to me than I could ever imagine. It''s one of my most favorite memories. I wouldn''t have given that day up for anything no matter how much I cursed it beforehand.

And we still got to go to the Hawaiian beach...for our honeymoon.

Still, I would have been completely content to elope--it''s just that the entire week (we had my family come and stay for most of the week) was the best of my life and I can''t imagine anything else. I have absolutely no doubt that all of you are going to be head over heels about your own wedding (or weddings in Indygal''s case) and will love every minute.

 

[zoebartlett]

I was one of those girls who had never really thought of her wedding day when she was little. One of my friends though was the complete opposite -- she knew exactly what she wanted her wedding to be like before she even began dating.

A part of me wanted to elope but I also wanted a few people there. So as NEL said, it would really have been a small destination wedding. Small. Really small. I didn''t do it because I think I''d hurt my family too much if we didn''t include so and so... (the list keeps growing).

I think if someone really wants to elope and no feelings would be hurt (well, by the immediate family anyway), I say go for it.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 2/4/2008 4:22:39 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think you should elope. All of you. No matter what your situation.


OK, so I''m just grumpy right now.

But seriously. Elope.

Ahhhhh, so you''ve finally come over to the dark side Indy...Mwahahahaha...Or wait, maybe you ARE on the dark side and you''re coming to see the light (side)?

 

[Fancy605]

I think the idea of elopement is terribly romantic. It''s kind of like, "I don''t need all the glitz, glamor, and attention involved with a wedding; I just want to marry you and be married to you forever."

I personally see how eloping would be a pretty good way to go about getting married. But, for my husband and me, having a wedding ceremony with all our loved ones there to celebrate was important. Then again, I said from the get go that if it got stressful and ceased to be fun and began to center on something other than our love, we were going to stop all planning and elope. Things stayed lighthearted for the majority of the time though, so we followed through with all we had planned.

 

[coatimundi_org]

My hubby and I eloped, and it was the most romantic thing we could have imagined.

We did it for us. We both have rather controlling/dramatic families, so we decided to make the day about us and us alone.

I've never wanted a wedding anyway, so this was no big whoop for me.

My family STILL wants to give us a wedding--even though we've been married for 3 months now. Someday, I might consider it, as a gift to them. And if I do, I'll put on a dress, show up, and let them take care of the rest, because that's what they'd do anyway.

Coati

ps-I think it's awesome if you choose to have the wedding of your dreams. I've been to many lovely weddings, and I truly appreciate the ritual. Good luck to all you lovely brides!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/4/2008 4:53:05 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 2/4/2008 4:37:18 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 2/4/2008 4:22:39 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think you should elope. All of you. No matter what your situation.

OK, so I''m just grumpy right now.

But seriously. Elope.

I''m with Indy.

Truely, Elope.

SAVE YOURSELVES!

YES. Do it. Really. Just elope.

 

[ktkakes]

 

[ktkakes]

dis reguard the empty reply.

i agree with all you ladies i wish i had a reality check before hand.. if you decide to plan a wedding( god help you) breathe and make sure you have somewhere or something to keep you calm. be ready for tons of decision making, even the little ones in the end will drive you crazy.

oh i wish i would have eloped and taken a longer honeymoon, im sure after the wedding i will feel differently .. ill let you know that one in a couple of months...

 

[gwendolyn]

Hahah, I just sent this thread to J, and we got to talking about weddings again, and now he wants to elope (well, tiny destination, since our immediate families would be there, I think) and get married in Capri.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

i would love to hear how people feel after the fact....do you regret not having a chance to be with friends/family? regret not dancing to your favorite songs?
i only ask because i am beyond frustrated with the cost of everything. i am like the person who started this thread - i had NO IDEA of costs until now. we are ''older'' -i''m 38, FI is 32 and the idea of spending even 10-15 grand on a few hours is blowing our minds. especially since we would love to put that money towards a down payment on a house.
so i started thinking of something VERY small - we live near a beach so i was thinking of just inviting family and CLOSEST friends, having a ceremony on the beach and then going to lunch with everyone.
but part of me is scared that i will regret not having a DJ and dancing and the things that i always "pictured" at my wedding before i realized how ridiculously expensive it all is!

 

[indecisive]

Date: 2/4/2008 7:43:18 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 2/4/2008 4:53:05 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy

Date: 2/4/2008 4:37:18 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 2/4/2008 4:22:39 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I think you should elope. All of you. No matter what your situation.

OK, so I''m just grumpy right now.

But seriously. Elope.

I''m with Indy.

Truely, Elope.

SAVE YOURSELVES!

YES. Do it. Really. Just elope.

Why wasn''t there a thread like this when I started planning and thought it would be so fun?! Seriously girls, ELOPE! And go on an awesome honeymoon

!

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 2/4/2008 8:38:01 PM
Author: DMBFiredancer
i would love to hear how people feel after the fact....do you regret not having a chance to be with friends/family? regret not dancing to your favorite songs?

Hell to the No! Never regretted it a minute since we eloped in August. Best damn thing we could ever have done. An actual wedding would have been too stressful trying to coordinate divorced parents and friends and family all over the globe. Nope. Eloping was perfect for us. Undeniably romantic. People would ask us if we were on vacation and we''d tell them no, we''re getting married tomorrow...and they''d ask, oh, is it a big wedding? And we''d say, No we''re eloping! And they''d get all moony and sappy and wistful and everyone said "Oh, I wish we''d done that...That''s the way to do it!" And they were right. It''s all about your union, not all the family stress, or where to sit your drunken uncle, or who not to invite, or when to cut the cake and ohmygodwhereistheweddingcakeknifebecauseyoucantjustcutthecakewitharegularknife?!?

You can dance...just find a restaurant that has good music and use that as your dance band...Trust me, making a mini wedding can indeed be done...

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/4/2008 8:38:01 PM
Author: DMBFiredancer
i would love to hear how people feel after the fact....do you regret not having a chance to be with friends/family? regret not dancing to your favorite songs?
i only ask because i am beyond frustrated with the cost of everything. i am like the person who started this thread - i had NO IDEA of costs until now. we are ''older'' -i''m 38, FI is 32 and the idea of spending even 10-15 grand on a few hours is blowing our minds. especially since we would love to put that money towards a down payment on a house.
so i started thinking of something VERY small - we live near a beach so i was thinking of just inviting family and CLOSEST friends, having a ceremony on the beach and then going to lunch with everyone.
but part of me is scared that i will regret not having a DJ and dancing and the things that i always ''pictured'' at my wedding before i realized how ridiculously expensive it all is!

Good points, but I wouldn''t have regretted it. I''m not a party girl. I hate crowds. I dislike dancing. The idea of having 90 people in the same room with me (plus a party, plus dancing), occasionally sends me into a panic attack. J wanted the party. He''s much more used to them then I am and he said: "That''s how weddings are done."

He realizes his error now (6 months out...) but it''s too late. The DJ contract is signed, so if we''re going to pay him, might as well use him.

 

[iheartscience]

You all are scaring me!

I haven''t started planning yet, but I''m definitely doing a big wedding with all my family and friends. Luckily, my family is low drama and I''m typically very decisive, so I think I''ll be fine. Plus my mom has helped plan 3 weddings already for 3 of my older siblings so she knows what''s up, and my twin sister has designated herself as my other wedding planner.

So I''m hoping I won''t be starting a thread like this of my very own once I''m done with school and start planning!

 

[SuLi]

My FI and I are eloping, and let me tell you...it's not as easy as it sounds!

We are planning on getting married "courthouse-style" in October, and then taking our honeymoon the following spring in Europe. The simple act of eloping definitely takes some planning -- we are planning on getting dressed up (I already have my dress), need to book at a nice hotel/inn for the weekend and a romantic dinner for two, choosing a photographer who will take pictures of us around the monuments/memorials in DC and possibly around Alexandria, applying for a permit to take those pictures, and planning the trip/logistics to Paris and London. We are definitely getting some pressure to throw an informal party for everyone, so we also have to plan the logistics for that -- who gets invited and where since we live in an apartment that cannot accomodate everyone. I thought it would be super fun and kind of cheesy (because I am kind of cheesy) to throw a bowling party, but my FI just made a face.

So, eloping...as simple as the concept sounds, it is still difficult and stressful.

 

[luckystar112]

Eloping was never something that I wanted, and never really crossed my mind until I got waist deep into planning and realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to make people happy. I felt really uncomfortable dictating where our parent''s money was going to go, how much they spent on certain things...and really, I just thought that at the end of the all NO ONE was going to have a good time, including me.

Now we are having a tiny destination wedding in Jamaica (Sandals, Negril), and I couldn''t be happier. I don''t think I''m going to regret it because hey--I met with a DJ, tried some cake, interview with an officiant, and all the other bride-y things, so I don''t feel like I missed out on too much.

But I have to be honest. Planning a destination wedding is definitely a money-saver if you were paying for your whole wedding yourself to begin with. In our case, my parents, his parents, and FI and I were each putting in $5000 toward the big wedding (sorry if that''s the most grammatically incorrect sentence you''ve ever read.). Now that we are getting married in Jamaica, His parents paid for half of our trip, my parents paid the other half, and everything else is left up to US. Which is a huge money-saver for them, but not necessarily for us.

And all we are doing is taking the basic "free" wedding that you get when you book the trip, and adding a half an hour to the "reception" (champagne, small cake, hor''deurves for a half an hour...so we''re trying to make it an hour) and adding a band to play during that time, as well as $15 per extra person who will be at that reception. It adds up! There are tons of hidden costs. For instance, if your family doesn''t want to stay in the same resort as you (which, let''s be honest--no thanks.), you have to pay $130 just for that person to get on the property and then another fee on top of that so that they can go to the ceremony. We aren''t even paying for one of their "reception packages" that will set up a room for us for a certain price per person because we heard it was a rip-off since we are staying at an all-inclusive anyway. We''re just going to go to one of the restaurants for free (after all, that''s what the $130 day pass per person is for....so they get access to all the free food and drinks! Plus I heard the restaurants give you special treatment anyway).

Photographer...well it''s $1300, and that''s the smallest package. That''s what I was going to pay HERE and believe me, I was going to get a LOT more. The upgrades are basically ridiculously priced (especially FLOWERS), and the more people that show up to the wedding, the more you will be paying. We went into this thinking that we were going to save a ton of money, but it''s not looking that way. But I will admit that there is a LOT less stress dealing with trying to make everyone happy.

So my advice if you''re going to elope (at a Sandals, anyway). Bring your own stuff with you! I''m buying my own silk bouquet, my own toasting flutes, my own cake cutting set, etc...just because I''m afraid I''m going to get there and they are going to be like "You and your guests can eat cake on paper plates, or you can rent our dishes for $15 per plate". Which I''m not sure will happen...but just in case!!!

I plan on doing a full review of my experience after I''m done. But so far..not dealing with the stress has been WORTH the money.

 

[TravelingGal]

I''m late to this thread, but I would say:

Do not elope.

I wouldn''t change my wedding for the world. I loved every minute of it. I simply cannot imagine not having my friends and family there, especially those who came from the other side of the world. I loved saying my vows, not only to my husband, but proclaiming my love for him in front of all those I loved....they knew how far I had to come to get here.

But...

I think the key is that I was not wedding fixated. I simply was not a stresscase about the whole thing. I just made decisions and ran with it. I didn''t have to come to PS and post every drama/decision and then get even more confused as opinions started to pour in. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it''s not for me. The last thing I wanted to think while wedding planning was "God, I wish we weren''t doing this."

A wedding is a special day. But, it''s still just a day.

 

[luckystar112]

I think it's a hard topic, because most people only have one or the other so they can't accurately say if they felt they were "missing out" on anything.

Maybe I'll ask my FI's co-worker Stephanie who has been married four times....2 big weddings and two destination weddings.

 

[scm1012]

Engaged: 12-15-07

Wedding Date: 09-21-09

I haven''t started planning yet since we are relatively far away(18 months)...but I desperately want to elope.

I have ALWAYS been into weddings. If anyone saw how many magazines I''ve read over the years since I was 12 and heard how much I know about anything to do with a wedding...they would probably assume I want a huge celebrity bash. But I don''t.

Loving weddings is just one of those things I''m into, like being into horticulture or something.

If we go the wedding at home route I foresee a lot of drama regarding who to invite, my mom getting in my way and then the two of us fighting non-stop, pissing off FMIL, the aunts, the grandmothers, overspending, fighting with FH. I really do not need that in my life.

I want to focus on US...I want to go into my marriage happy and with our pockets full. I want our ceremony to be private and intimate. I love my family to death and we are all close but I seriously don''t understand how witnessing our vows is super important/special to anyone besides our parents.

I still want a gorgeous gown, beautiful pictures and cake...just on our terms. We will probably do a reception type party....like an open house or something with really amazing food, nice flowers and I want to wear my gown as many times as possible.

 

[anchor31]

To SuLi and lucky - I guess it depends on your definition of elopement. Mine includes one dress, two wedding bands and two plane tickets, so it would definitely have been trouble free. No guests, no afterparty, nothing.

To TGal - I know I''m going to sound to sound like a heartless b!tch, but I don''t care who''s there or not. It doesn''t matter to me, never did. In my mind, all I need to be married is my future husband and God... the rest? Don''t care. It definitely causes misunderstandings... because people around me don''t understand why I don''t care and I don''t understand why they do.

 

[TravelingGal]

Nah, anchor, that''s not heartless. My reason for having people there was a practical one...I needed witnesses, or else I would bolt!

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 2/5/2008 1:54:42 PM
Author: luckystar112
I think it''s a hard topic, because most people only have one or the other so they can''t accurately say if they felt they were ''missing out'' on anything.


Maybe I''ll ask my FI''s co-worker Stephanie who has been married four times....2 big weddings and two destination weddings.

Actually, I dont think it''s a hard topic at all...I already clearly answered the question - No, I do not regret eloping. It was romantic and perfect and I didn''t miss out on anything that I really wanted. Had the dress, gorgeous venue, great officiant, terrific photographer, fantastic wedding dinner with amazing wedding cake, and a wonderfully romantic getaway all wrapped up in one perfect package. But that is perfect for me and the Mr., not for everyone.

Anchor, you always seem to be up against issues and it pains me to read the struggles you have with this wedding. If you really want to elope, you only need your FI''s agreement and you''re good to go. It doesn''t matter what anyone here says, we''re not you, and only you know what you really want...and it sounds like you''ve always preferred elopement so what''s holding you back? Can you still change your mind at this point? I dont remember if you''ve sent out invites yet....Have you?