Today is not my day.

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/22/2009 7:00:44 AM
Author: LilyOfTheValley

People treat you the way that you allow them to. That was the very first lesson that I learned in life.


The second lesson that I learned: You get what you settle for.


Honestly, these people treat you the way that they do, and dangle their ''familial support'' in front of you like a carrot because they know they CAN.


YOU are the boss of YOUR life. Now is the time for you to step up and show them who''s boss. If they give you any crap, tell them that THEY are the selfish ones, and provide examples.


You can either stay exactly where you''re at right now, for God knows how long, or do something about it. Unless you change, your situation is going to remain the way it is.


And to answer your question about how long do they expect you to wait, the answer is: For as long as they can make you/for as long as you are willing to.


Take the initiative and start making your own plans. It''s 2009, not 1909.


Be the driver of your life and steer it into the direction that you want to. These people are either going to get on your side, or they''re never going to.


It may sound difficult to ''defy'' them (but honestly, at 21, taking charge of your own life is not defiance!), but it''s actually quite easy once you''ve gotten started.

Your response was so candid. I really appreciate what you said. I feel quite motivated by it. You are the kind of conscience I need reminding me that it is good to stand up for myself and what I want. Thank you so much, LilyOfTheValley.

And, thank you again to everyone who has replied. From the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate all the support!

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Date: 2/22/2009 10:17:29 AM
Author: nail_polish

Date: 2/22/2009 7:00:44 AM

Author: LilyOfTheValley


People treat you the way that you allow them to. That was the very first lesson that I learned in life.



The second lesson that I learned: You get what you settle for.



Honestly, these people treat you the way that they do, and dangle their 'familial support' in front of you like a carrot because they know they CAN.



YOU are the boss of YOUR life. Now is the time for you to step up and show them who's boss. If they give you any crap, tell them that THEY are the selfish ones, and provide examples.



You can either stay exactly where you're at right now, for God knows how long, or do something about it. Unless you change, your situation is going to remain the way it is.



And to answer your question about how long do they expect you to wait, the answer is: For as long as they can make you/for as long as you are willing to.



Take the initiative and start making your own plans. It's 2009, not 1909.



Be the driver of your life and steer it into the direction that you want to. These people are either going to get on your side, or they're never going to.



It may sound difficult to 'defy' them (but honestly, at 21, taking charge of your own life is not defiance!), but it's actually quite easy once you've gotten started.

Your response was so candid. I really appreciate what you said. I feel quite motivated by it. You are the kind of conscience I need reminding me that it is good to stand up for myself and what I want. Thank you so much, LilyOfTheValley.


And, thank you again to everyone who has replied. From the bottom of my heart, I really appreciate all the support!

I really hope that things will work out in your favor! Your post made me so angry; not at you, but at the people in your life.

I still cannot believe that they have the galls to make ridiculous and unreasonable requests of you. Nobody should change your their paths to cater to others', and they are asking you to do just that with yours.

 

[nail_polish]

Well, you can bet that this will be one of the first places that our engagement news is announced!

Thank you again for the advice, LilyOfTheValley.

Believe me, the anger I feel toward the situation is oftentimes hard to control.

I am starting to feel better about it after all the LIW suggestions; I am re-gaining my excitement for what is to come

 

[katica]

Hi Nail Polish,
The ladies before me had a lot of good points. You mentioned that your parents think you''re too young.. is it possible they''re using your sister''s wedding as an excuse because they don''t think the age argument will work on you? Or, and I hope this isn''t the case, but is it possible that they just don''t think your SO is the one for you and this is a convenient excuse to delay what they don''t want happening at all?
I hope everything works out for you.. I think your family is being unreasonable as well.

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/22/2009 8:02:36 PM
Author: katica
Hi Nail Polish,

The ladies before me had a lot of good points. You mentioned that your parents think you''re too young.. is it possible they''re using your sister''s wedding as an excuse because they don''t think the age argument will work on you? Or, and I hope this isn''t the case, but is it possible that they just don''t think your SO is the one for you and this is a convenient excuse to delay what they don''t want happening at all?

I hope everything works out for you.. I think your family is being unreasonable as well.

Hmm.. you have a good point... I do feel like my sister''s wedding is an ''excuse''... I just can''t pinpoint for what!

I know it isn''t that they don''t approve of my boyfriend; they are adamant that they accept him/like him/bla bla but want us to wait because of aforementioned reasons.

The age factor may be it...

Now that you mention it, I could totally see it being an excuse.

*shakes her head* Unfortunately, my family is that type.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Nail, this does suck. Of course you don''t want to steal anyones thunder...you just want some of your own thunder.

I can understand about waiting until your education is finished before getting married. I am someone who waited until I was done with school to get married. And please, let me tell you, having that part of my life behind me means I get to focus more on husband and my career. I am not trying to find balance between three things that all require a lot of attention. I can easily prioritize my husband first and my career second. I have less stress, more free time, and with marriage comes other natural urges like babies and houses...and I can find time for those wants because my obligations to myself are completely behind me now. No one was cheated by my decisions.

I''m assuming you''re probably in your early 20''s...so, you''ve had a nice run being on your own, getting to know your self and taking care of you, so you feel totally and 100% ready to be married. But when you''re married, things like your education really do take a backseat for your family. You turns into We which turns into Us. My point is, taking care of yourself, achieving your individual, personal success is never going to be easier than it is now. If your masters degree is important to you...get it!! So what if it postpones your marriage a year...you''ll have 50 instead of 51. You''ll still be involved in a loving relationship with a good man...but your education is something no one can ever take away from you, and it''s something you''ll never regret having.

I hope things work out.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Nail Polish, you are not the first person to post about something like this and frankly I just don''t understand your families! No offense to you obviously, but I think it should be double the excitement that you may be getting engaged near the time of your sisters wedding. Bottom Line: Your family should be excited no matter when you get engaged.

My older sister got engaged 2 months before me. We are getting married 2 months and 2 days after her wedding. My family could not be more excited that we have both found the men of our dreams and are getting married. Is it stressful? YES. However, it is much more fun that my sister and I get to plan together. We are each others maid of honors and I think its ridicuslous that some families can''t be more supportive and excited at this huge moment in your life. I would talk to them about how they are making you feel and see if there is an underlying issue besides your age and the closeness to your sister''s big day. If those are really the reasons they are so unsupportive then they are missing out on being excited on one of the biggest moments in your life and I feel sorry for them. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

 

[nail_polish]

Ugh..
I just gave in. I did what I didn''t want to do.. I could feel it coming - brewing almost - but I just exploded on my boyfriend.

My anger has gotten the best of me. I hate what this situation has become... the time before an engagement shouldn''t be like this. I never pictured it like this. I thought I''d look back and remember happiness. However, now I am going to look back and remember fights with my parents, worries, stress...

I am slightly resentful that I know that the proposal is coming. It is stressing me out - for instance, as a result of conversations like the one this thread stemmed from. It is worrying me - for instance, becuase of things like the fact that I am pretty sure my boyfriend hasn''t talked to my parents yet. And if it is coming in 1 month, then he should have (in my books) already talked with them.

To be honest, I didn''t even ever think I would KNOW. I mean everyone *knows* its coming, like knows inside their heart that it is coming and once it happens people tell me that their hindsight showed them it was approaching but I wish I never actually KNEW.

And, in my mind - it''s his fault for telling me.. I never expected it to be like this. But, the long and the short of it, is that now, I''m mad at him. Mad at him for putting me through this. I know that probably sounds bratty, but this (to me) is NOT what an engagement should be.

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

Date: 2/23/2009 4:25:38 PM
Author: GoingCrazy29
Nail Polish, you are not the first person to post about something like this and frankly I just don''t understand your families! No offense to you obviously, but I think it should be double the excitement that you may be getting engaged near the time of your sisters wedding. Bottom Line: Your family should be excited no matter when you get engaged.



My older sister got engaged 2 months before me. We are getting married 2 months and 2 days after her wedding. My family could not be more excited that we have both found the men of our dreams and are getting married. Is it stressful? YES. However, it is much more fun that my sister and I get to plan together. We are each others maid of honors and I think its ridicuslous that some families can''t be more supportive and excited at this huge moment in your life. I would talk to them about how they are making you feel and see if there is an underlying issue besides your age and the closeness to your sister''s big day. If those are really the reasons they are so unsupportive then they are missing out on being excited on one of the biggest moments in your life and I feel sorry for them. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

I agree, I don''t get it either! My approach to most situations is pretty much, "The more, the merrier," so it totally baffles me whenever I read stories such as these.

I also think that it is bizarre when family members act like another person''s business is their business. Ultimately, though, it''s up to that person to decide whether to lead his/her own life, or to be led.

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

.

 

[nail_polish]

I agree. I definitely agree. I think the same way - the more the merrier.

Maybe I''m adopted.

I really feel terrible about how I am blaming my boyfriend, but I can''t help but think if he didn''t tell me all this, this wouldn''t be happening...

Any advice on that?

 

[princessplease]

NP-
I feel as though I''m kind of in the same situation as you. My BF''s sister is getting married in May, and during a talk the other day, he says he doesn''t want to ask me before her wedding because of the "stealing her thunder" thing. I mean, May is not a long time away from now, so waiting is no big deal, however, I want our engagement to mean something. We have an anniversary and my birthdat coming up before her wedding, and I said to him "Our anniversary or my birthday would be a really cool time to get engaged". However, he basically said no because of her impending wedding. I''m not sure how his family feels about it, but I told him we''re not even getting married in this year, so what should it matter? We can''t have it mean something special to us because of his sister''s impending wedding. I''m so sorry your family feels that way. I just wish they could be happy for you. It should happen when both parties want it to happen, and not have to wait because someone else is getting married.

 

[tlh]

Do you expect or think your parents will pay for your wedding? Maybe your parents feel that you should wait because they cannot afford to pay for another wedding?

Weddings are exciting happy times! So are engagements and proposals... but they can be REALLY stressful for the parents of the bride, and to go through soo many in such a short period, they may feel like THEY need a break in between? That is the only thing I could think of why they would ask you two to wait....

I am sure it will work out. HUGS!

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/24/2009 9:38:42 AM
Author: princessplease
NP-

I feel as though I''m kind of in the same situation as you. My BF''s sister is getting married in May, and during a talk the other day, he says he doesn''t want to ask me before her wedding because of the ''stealing her thunder'' thing. I mean, May is not a long time away from now, so waiting is no big deal, however, I want our engagement to mean something. We have an anniversary and my birthdat coming up before her wedding, and I said to him ''Our anniversary or my birthday would be a really cool time to get engaged''. However, he basically said no because of her impending wedding. I''m not sure how his family feels about it, but I told him we''re not even getting married in this year, so what should it matter? We can''t have it mean something special to us because of his sister''s impending wedding. I''m so sorry your family feels that way. I just wish they could be happy for you. It should happen when both parties want it to happen, and not have to wait because someone else is getting married.

I am sorry to hear that our situations are similar.

My boyfriend''s brother is actually getting married this weekend, on the 28. So my parents now have it in their heads that we are ''respecting his side'' by letting his brother get married prior to the engagement, but we are ''disrespecting my side'' by not waiting for my sister.

I am not sure why people have this outlook. Similarly with your boyfriend, I don''t see it as you stealing anyone''s thunder...

I think it is a matter of difference of opinion. And, I mean, I don''t foresee myself being a very selfish bride... I mean, my boyfriend spoils me but I am by no means selfish. However, I think these sorts of opinions of thunder-stealing and what not, come more from the perspective of people who really just want it to be ALL ABOUT THEM, ALL THE TIME

Good luck to us both, though.. I hope it works out well for both of us

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/24/2009 9:43:48 AM
Author: tlh
Do you expect or think your parents will pay for your wedding? Maybe your parents feel that you should wait because they cannot afford to pay for another wedding?


Weddings are exciting happy times! So are engagements and proposals... but they can be REALLY stressful for the parents of the bride, and to go through soo many in such a short period, they may feel like THEY need a break in between? That is the only thing I could think of why they would ask you two to wait....


I am sure it will work out. HUGS!

I don''t think it is a financial thing. My family is not in the best financial situation especially with my dad at risk of losing his job. However, it was never really suggested that they would ever pay for our weddings. My sister and her fiance are paying for their own. My parents threw them an engagement party, but the wedding is their own responsibility. As well my parents ''gift'' to my sister was buying her wedding dress...

But that''s where it stops.

I don''t think the money is even part of the equation. It really just does come down to the apparent disrespect that I am showing toward my sister and also.. the fact that they think I''m ''too young'' being 21. And, the fact that I''m not ''done school''. However up till now it has always been that we need to be done our undergrad.. No one in my family has ever pursued graduate education and now becuase I am (hopefully) getting my masters, I am being punished it seems?

I don''t know.

I really am starting to think its my boyfriend''s fault though.. And, I''m not just trying to lay blame, but I am really frustrated at the fact that I know as much as I do. I mean, its making me excited but causing all this (un-needed drama).

 

[princessplease]

NP-
I''m a tad older than you, (I''ll be 24 in April) and have already been through almost half of my Master''s. I think your family should be so proud that you''re going to school, and are thinking about pursuing a Masters that anything in excess of educational success should be something to be happy about. I can promise that whenever I get engaged, my mother will say I''m too young. I could be 50 and I''d be too young. However, that''s a story for another time!!! It''s such a shame that your family can''t see things the way you do...this man makes you happy and WANTS to be with you for the rest of his life! They should be screaming from the mountaintops in excitement. My basic feeling about the ''stealing the thunder'' argument is thinking that way is selfish because it''s standing in the way of your happiness. In that regard, who is the selfish one?
Is it possible that maybe your sister talked to your parents about the situation, and told them something different than she told you?

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/24/2009 10:14:31 AM
Author: princessplease
NP-

I''m a tad older than you, (I''ll be 24 in April) and have already been through almost half of my Master''s. I think your family should be so proud that you''re going to school, and are thinking about pursuing a Masters that anything in excess of educational success should be something to be happy about. I can promise that whenever I get engaged, my mother will say I''m too young. I could be 50 and I''d be too young. However, that''s a story for another time!!! It''s such a shame that your family can''t see things the way you do...this man makes you happy and WANTS to be with you for the rest of his life! They should be screaming from the mountaintops in excitement. My basic feeling about the ''stealing the thunder'' argument is thinking that way is selfish because it''s standing in the way of your happiness. In that regard, who is the selfish one?

Is it possible that maybe your sister talked to your parents about the situation, and told them something different than she told you?

Thanks for your reply. I am quite happy with my aspirations to pursue higher education. Congrats on being half way through your masters!

I agree with you about always being too young.. my parents are the same way - no matter how old we are we''re still their ''little girl'', I guess.

I would think that families would be happy as well. Their lack of happiness suggests to me that they don''t actually accept him - however, they have "proven themselves tenfold" (their words, not mine) that they do.

I definitely think the ''thunder stealing'' argument comes from the selfish perspective. Which makes me want to be like YOU guys are the selfish ones

But, that wouldn''t be too mature of me now would it

As for whether its possible that my sister told my parents something different.. my younger sister suggested this. I find it very odd... I would hope that my sister would be honest with me. However, this fear brought me to ask my mom about whether or not she has voiced something different to them.. and to be honest, it just resulted in another argument.

I really don''t understand their issues.. and they won''t really help me to see their perspective. I told them I will never agree with the fact that I am being disrespectful to my sister and stealing her spotlight. I love her dearly, and we have taken their plans into consideration for our own as well. But they don''t want to help me understand because they say that this ''pre-stuff'' as my mom calls it, should be here. If we''re going to get engaged, my boyfriend should just do it. I shouldn''t be talking about it first.. I mean, never mind the fact that I''m excited and in the next 44 days I have huge feats approaching - graduating! finding out if I got into the masters program! getting engaged!

It IS exciting. But shame on me for voicing it.

 

[tlh]

NP: Hmm. Well, you cannot control how people feel, act, or think. They are the only ones that can do that. Your parents want the best for you, and you don''t want to disappoint them.

The fact that you are worrying soo much about wanting their approval only further prooves to them that you NEED it... IE, you are TOO YOUNG, that you NEED to go to them to see what to do. You are validating their beliefs by simply asking this question. Does that make sense?

You''ll get your masters if you want to pursue it. For that, YOU ROCK! (Oh, and my DH is still in his program, and was the entire wedding/process. So he was not really distracted, and actually found the distraction quite pleasant from his schooling. Kept him sane.)

1) You dont plan the proposal, your BF does. You don''t plan the engagement, it sorta happens.
2) If you are all alone and planning on paying for your own wedding, well that shows you are quite mature, and able to handle the financial stress and prep of a wedding.

Kuddos to you. Stop worrying about everyone else, and make yourself happy. There is a point when you are with your partner that the you of you become your own unit. This unit takes precidence over all over relationships. If other relationships and the oppinions of others are still interfering, than you are not ready, and your marriage will fail. Marriage is a partnership between a couple... The foundation is with you two... NOT your parents.

Best wishes!

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/24/2009 11:41:58 AM
Author: tlh
NP: Hmm. Well, you cannot control how people feel, act, or think. They are the only ones that can do that. Your parents want the best for you, and you don''t want to disappoint them.


The fact that you are worrying soo much about wanting their approval only further prooves to them that you NEED it... IE, you are TOO YOUNG, that you NEED to go to them to see what to do. You are validating their beliefs by simply asking this question. Does that make sense?


You''ll get your masters if you want to pursue it. For that, YOU ROCK! (Oh, and my DH is still in his program, and was the entire wedding/process. So he was not really distracted, and actually found the distraction quite pleasant from his schooling. Kept him sane.)


1) You dont plan the proposal, your BF does. You don''t plan the engagement, it sorta happens.

2) If you are all alone and planning on paying for your own wedding, well that shows you are quite mature, and able to handle the financial stress and prep of a wedding.


Kuddos to you. Stop worrying about everyone else, and make yourself happy. There is a point when you are with your partner that the you of you become your own unit. This unit takes precidence over all over relationships. If other relationships and the oppinions of others are still interfering, than you are not ready, and your marriage will fail. Marriage is a partnership between a couple... The foundation is with you two... NOT your parents.


Best wishes!

Thank you SO much for your reply. Honestly, that really spoke to me - you''re right, by looking for my parents acceptance and approval I am further reinforcing their point. Thank you for pointing that out it is very true.

You were really frank and I appreciate that.

And its nice to know that the wedding process was a pleasant distraction for your DH during his program - I am hoping the same will be the case for me!

I did voice that this marriage means him and I are a unit together, etc. etc. as you said and this made my parents explode as they said ''life just can''t be you and him!"

I think it is just tough for them that we are growing up, and I can understand and respect THAT much.

Okay, I am in a major rush but I just wanted to reply and say thanks, tlh.

Now, I''m off to class!