ugh drama already (long)

[robbie3982]

I have a cousin, Y, who is 8 years older than me (she''ll be 31 in October) who I''ve never really gotten along with. She''s very bossy and self-centered and VERY childish.

Today I was talking about the wedding to my mom and she asked if I was going to be asking Y to be a bridesmaid.

Uh...no...we don''t get along...why would I ask her???

My mom said she thinks that she will be really upset and that her parents, my aunt and uncle, will also be upset with me! She said that she''ll see it as an insult that I''m having my other cousins, R&M, in the wedding. R&M are 14 year-old twins (the same age as my sister) and are like little sisters to me. I even lived with them for a brief period of time. We''ve always gotten along great and we''ve always been able to tell eachother everything. Exactly the kind of friends/family that I want up there with me on my big day.

I have only 3 female first cousins, so Y would be the only one not included, but I feel like it''s really unfair for anyone to be upset that I wouldn''t include her considering the circumstances!

I recently took FI (then still a bf) to meet my family who live in NY (everyone other than my parents and sister). Y was cold and unfriendly to both FI and I. I would try to converse with her and she would just ignore me or roll her eyes if she acknowledged my presence at all. When I went to leave, I was saying goodbye to everyone and hugging them and when I got to her, I very warmly said goodbye and she said "Yeah, bye" without even looking away from the computer. Ugh! She''s such a brat!

My aunt (not her mother) walked FI and I down to our car and she even commented about it asking what that was all about. I had no idea.

My aunt told me today that she''s upset that I haven''t apologized to her for "how poorly I''ve treated her in the past."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Apparently the specific thing she''s talking about is that I wouldn''t go watch movies in the park with her MORE THAN 2 YEARS AGO! The movies in the park started at dark (around 9) and were done around 11. It was when I was living with the twins in NY for an internship I had in the city. I was working full time and wasn''t very comfortable in the city and was also taking my internship very seriously. I didn''t want to be walking to grand central by myself so late at night. Plus, that would put me getting home around 1 am after I walked to the train and commuted home and I was getting up at 5 every morning so I could be at work on time. I explained all of this to her at the time. So, she suggested I stay over. I also wasn''t too keen on this idea since she shared a tiny apartment with a roommate and I would have to sleep on the couch (which is very uncomfortable. I''d slept on it before) and basically wouldn''t get any sleep at all and then have to compete for the bathroom with her and her roommate and then try to figure out how to get from her apt to my job, which were far apart. It was just too much of a hassle for a weeknight. I suggested we do something on the weekends, but she didn''t seem to interested. At this time she was also mad at my aunt and uncle I was living with and was bad mouthing them which pissed me off.

She can wait all she wants for that apology. I didn''t do anything wrong.

I asked R today if she thought Y and her parents would be upset with me and she said she thinks they will. I then called her mom, the aunt who walked us to the car, to see if she also thought that. She said she wasn''t sure about her parents, but that she couldn''t see why Y would expect to be in my wedding and she doesn''t think that she would ask me to be in hers either. My thoughts exactly!

R''s mom is going to try to talk to Y''s mom to find out what she''s expecting and see how she''ll react when she finds out Y is not in the wedding.

I''m having a hard enough time figuring out how to include everyone I WANT to include. Ugh!

Well, she''s definitely not in the wedding, but I''m going to have to figure out how to deal w/ my aunt and uncle being upset with me if that''s how they react. I''ll be really hurt if they are

.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh, Robbie. I *so* wish people would let people have THEIR own weddings. Paul and I want a SMALL wedding; so far, that''s not been an issue, but I fear that when our parents realize the distant relatives we can''t name, let alone recognize in a crowd, are not being invited, it can ruffle feathers. We''re paying, we don''t want to be in debt, and we want people who MATTTER to US there, not people who matter to people who matter to us!

I hope you''re able to stand your ground, and I think it''s fairly common that not every cousin be included as a bridesmaid! For what it''s worth.

Good luck!!

 

[diamondfan]

I am so sorry! Trust me when I tell you please do not let someone force a person on you in terms of who is in your wedding. It is your day. PERIOD. Why would you want someone standing up for you that you do not get along with?! It is all about appearances and a wedding day should involve people who care and are truly happy to be with you and share. I bet you do not even really want to have her as a guest, let alone in the ceremony. Let me tell you my two instances where I let people bully me and I am sorry. My wedding, 16 years ago. I wanted my step sister, whom I adore and is my sister in the true sense, to be my maid of honor. I have a real sister but we do not and have never gotten along. My mom told my step sister not to do it, that it would make trouble (for her and my mom, and my mom is NOT about dealing with unpleasantness)...so I had her as a bridesmaid but had my sister as my moh. I also had to have my future sis in law who had NO interest in wedding nonsense and made it very clear. Again, I flat out said that if she could not do it with love, then I did not want her, no harm done. I did not really care. My mother in law to be insisted, saying we would be both regretting it later (?!) but I was already regretting it! Then, I had my first baby. My step sis happened to be in Los Angeles from Boston for my shower, and I went into early labor. She had a daughter and she always calmed me down. I wanted her in the room. Again, I got, she is not your blood, how cn you have HER and not your sister (or my in laws who SERIOUSLY expected to watch the birth of their first grandchild...NASTY is all I can say). Here I am in labor, early, afraid for my baby, and I have to have an argument about it, because my mom is worried that my biological sister will be upset, and my husband is getting shit from HIS family because they want to be in the room and he does not know how to say, It is my wife giving birth in there and she can have anyone she wants and that is IT.
My son will be 14 in November and it still pisses me off that my son''s birth was turned into a drama circus.

If you feel totally comfortable and in the right place NOT including her, then don''t. Simple as that. Tell anyone who has the nerve to even question your choice that it is about who and what you want on that day, and leave it at that. SHE knows why she would not be invited, as do you and that is all that matters in the long run. Do not begin to try to justify yourself to everyone who asks. Good luck and just know you are entitled to be happy on that day, and not bow to all the pressure, even though it is easier said than done!

 

[RoseAngel04]

Ugh..I''m sorry you''re dealing with drama already!!

Since obviously you and your cousin aren''t close/friendly etc there''s no good reason for her to be apart of your bridal party. She showed no intrest in you or your FI the last time ya''ll were with her, so she shouldn''t be too surprised. If her parents make a big deal about it than just tell them how you honestly feel. It''s your day, do what makes you and your FI happy!

 

[robbie3982]

Thanks everyone for the advice. My mom says she understands why I don''t want her in it, but she hates conflict and I think she''s probably more worried that her sister will be mad at her than at me.

I really don''t know what I"ll do if my aunt and uncle are upset though. I don''t care if Y is upset, she''s always upset at someone about something, but my aunt and uncle mean a lot to me.

I guess I''ll just have to wait and see what happens.

 

[sumbride]

I think Y sounds like she has a lot of problems, but I''m betting jealousy is a big one. Ignore her and don''t include her if YOU don''t want to. It is YOUR wedding.

As for your mom, fear of conflict with her sister is no reason to force conflict upon you, which is exactly what would happen if you have to have Y in your party. This is one of those "my little girl is growing up and I don''t want anything to change!" Weddings breed conflict because it''s a change in life. It''s a huge deal... and I can see why your mom would want things to look as normal as possible, but this is one area that she doesn''t get to influence.

oddly enough, we have the opposite problem... my FMIL HATES her sister and this is public knowledge. We just went to M''s cousin''s wedding and FMIL was invited by her "evil sister" but now that we''re planning ours, FMIL has made it clear that she has no intention of inviting her sister. We said "we''re inviting her". She said "she''s not coming out of my count", and "she won''t come". Whatever, we''re inviting her.

 

[diamondfan]

I think honesty, kindly delivered, is always best in situations like this. Jus makes life easier than A: You being the one upset most and B: scrambling around with excuses, etc. I realize the thought of upsetting someone is unpleasant, and a lot of times in life I''d say, zip it, and go on. But this is your wedding. Is it better for YOU to be the unhappy one, or should you just be direct and kind and say this is your day to choose and this is what makes you the happiest. I am hard pressed to say that in the face of that, that anyone could really torture you too much. And if they do, they are not being great to you and I say the heck with them...

 

[codex57]

Choice 1: Give her a minor part like Guest Book attendant or something like that. This is the half baked attempt choice. She''ll still be insulted obviously, but at least you can say you invited her to be part of the wedding. Usher or escort isn''t a bad choice either as she''ll be out of your hair but still has kind of an important part.

Choice 2: Just don''t make her a part of your wedding. You can''t please everyone. Since you obviously don''t like her, why ruin your wedding by someone who''s just going to to make your life miserable. You have enough stress in planning a wedding. Why open it up for more guaranteed problems? I agree with the honesty is the best policy. If your aunt and uncle complain, time for the hard truth. Say you have enough stress planning a wedding and you have no time for an adult who still pouts like a 5 year old about stupid stuff that happened years ago. Since she acts about 5, it sounds like she''ll have to wait another 13 years or so before you think she''s an adult and you consider asking her to be part of your wedding.

 

[FireGoddess]

I''m with codex. Give her a small role to appease the family if you want, or don''t include her at all. It is your wedding, and everyone makes them out to be these HUGE ordeals, but it''s a SINGLE day and after it''s over, it''s over. Life goes on. But it''s YOUR DAY, not anyone else''s. If you don''t want her in the wedding, you don''t have to put her in. If you want to appease the family, give her the guest book duty or something. But do not feel obligated to make her a part of the wedding party.

 

[sk8rjen]

I just wanted to add that I am sorry you are already having to deal with wedding drama! This is one of 2 times in your life (the other being delivering a baby) when it should be about you and your man. The people standing up for you are supposed to help and support you (which she doesn''t seem capable of). I like the idea of giving her a small part to play though (guestbook is perfect b/c she''ll be totally removed from you and your wedding party!

), b/c then you keep family happy. Anyway, just wanted to send you a ((hug))!

jen

 

[robbie3982]

Awe thanks everyone! My mom told me today that my aunt talked to my other aunt (Y''s mom) and she doesn''t even know we''re engaged yet (it''s been two weeks almost)! Her parents don''t want to tell her! I think they''re scared that she''ll freak out. It definitely explains why there''s been no congratulations, though I don''t think she''ll give any even when she hears.

My mom seems like she''s going to lay off of the pressure now especially since I told her that I''m going to ask my sister to be one (I''m having 2) of my maids of honor.

 

[Evie75]

Hello Robbie, I totally understand what you are going throught.

I JUST had the biggest fight with my mother over the bridal party.. Me and FI have always says we dont want a briday party, we just wanted a MOH and a BM.... To me it really isnt that big of a deal, so we decided to have 4 people his sister (whos is my MOH) and my brother, my FI''s Best man, and my cousin who is 18.. thats IT.. those are the most important people to us so we thought that it would be perfect, nice and intimate we were very very happy with this everyone loved it.

SO now my mom decides to throw a fit...saying how could I not have my sister inlaw (my brothers wife) in the wedding how could i just leave her out that is very wrong and disrespectful to your brother. I have no feelings i have no heart and you dont even care that she is hurt.... really really upset screaming yelling

Ummm Helloooooooooooo! I didnt even know what to say to that.. i said mom you know that im having a small bridal party and i was not intentionally leaving her out because i dont like her.. I love her very much.. and i honestly didnt think it would be a big deal and she was the one who told me that she hopes that i was only having a MOH and a BM, We totally were not thinking like that when we made this decsion we thought we were doing a very nice thing.

then my sis in law calls telling me she is upset!!! are you kidding me... you area 37 year old woman why would you care!! I explained to her very nicely that it has nothing to do with her, that we were just keeping it very small and i didnt mean to hurt her. and she said well i just thought you would have me in it that you would think of me like a sister.; and i said just because you are not in my bridal party doesnt me that i dont love you and that you are not important it wasnt meant like that.. and i really didnt think you''d be upset.

But really i love my sis inlaw im not close with her at all though, they live in california but that had nothing to do with my decision, im very close with my brother we have a great relationship and i thought by having him up there would be very nice. i mean it goes to show you how well i know her if i had no idea she''d be this upset.. if i''d known that maybe things would be different, but i really didnt mean to hurt anyone.

i dunno

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, I''m sorry Evie. That sucks.

I just talked to R and she said that when her mom told Y that I was getting married she said something about not coming to the wedding. That''s fine with me.

 

[swingirl]

Ladies,

Your bridesmaids are your attendents and you should pick girls you want to be there with you, help you dress, share some special moments before you walk down the isle and ATTEND to YOUR needs as you prepare. Not to mention the fact that their picture will appear in photos that you will be looking at for many years. DON''T be pressured to have someone stand up to your wedding that you don''t like or want 100% because it will become a stress for you. You will end up attending them to please someone else (mother, aunt, mother-in-law, whomever).

The last thing a bride needs are bridesmaids who are self-centered, bratty, hold a grudge, and only want to be there to prove how loved they are. Even if you love every female family member, you still must decide whom and how many bridesmaids you want. Sometimes a factor is how many groomsmen there are going to be. And standing up for it early and letting everyone get used to the idea will make the wedding day go smoother.

And if you really do want a small group and have other ladies you want to include, there are other duties you can assign them to help with... like asking someone to help with flowers, or gifts, guest book, pictures, etc.

And really, if your anut and uncle would choose not to attend your wedding because their daughter isn''t a bridesmaid...well, I guess you can see where the bratiness came from!!

Good luck!

 

[diamondfan]

I can only repeat that weddings bring out bad in some people. Family or friends, it can happen with either. Petty jealousies, long held grudges, stinky behavior, it can emerge during your happy times. You just need to try to be philosophical about it and keep on your course. You cannot and should not try to make all people happy at all times. Simply not possible and will harm you in the end. Try not to take it personally, clearly, when people act this way the issue most likely lies within them and has nothing to do with you. Good luck, and do not let your family emotionally blackmail you.

 

[sumbride]

Oh Evie... that sucks!

For the record, I love my sister, but she''s not in my bridal party.

And neither are my sisters-in-law. or my future sister-in-law.

I chose the people that I felt could best help me enjoy and get through this next year and a month. Only one of them is a family member... my neice. She''ll be 16 next year, and I wanted to include her. Surprised everyone in my family for some reason. That''s a good thing.

Good luck with setting your families straight... this is YOUR wedding!