RaiKai
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 8, 2010
- Messages
- 1,255
Well, sort of, but I don't consider them sacrifices - they were personal choices. A choice always involves taking one path over another(s). You can see those others not taken as sacrifices, but I don't view it that way.
When I first started dating my husband, he was starting the process to leave his military career. He was not wanting to stay in the city I lived in (and where he was posted) after that. I meanwhile was finishing my last year of law school, and had a job lined up in that same city (my hometown).
My now-husband was thinking of going back to school, in another province (his home province). He did have a city in mind for this, but it could of been anywhere in the province as it depended on what program he went to, and so on. We did talk about what might happen in respect of our relationship, but nothing firm. We had after all only been together a handful of months by this point. We knew we had something special, but it was way too early to get engaged or married...or even to say "let's move together". Now-husband definitely expressed his feelings for me (and me for him) and we did want to have a relationship, but we were still learning about one another and were not ready to say "yes, this is it!". It was stressful as I really cared for him (and he for me) but too too early to say let's get married or even....we are going to get married one day. We had a very emotionally open relationship and talked about everything including marriage, but not yet reached a point that it was right for us..if that makes sense. Neither he, nor I, could say anything other than "we wanted to see where things went and really knew we had something very special and did not really want to be apart".
I had considered moving for a long time out of my current city. I made some cold calls and applied for a position out in the city he planned to move, knowing that if he did move to this province we would be somewhat near one another, and if he didn't, I would still have a kick ass job in a place that I liked. I HAD visited that city before once or twice for short periods of time. Now-husband knew of course I was applying.
During my reading week I flew out for a day, had an interview, flew back home. Was offered the job. Accepted as it was an AWESOME position and a great opportunity. Regardless of what now-husband opted to do. Told the other place I was not going to be starting with them. Found an apartment in the new city via the internet. Now-husband retired out of the military. I graduated. Around this time he offered that I move my stuff into his place so I could get out of paying an extra months rent, so I did and "lived" there for a couple weeks. Two weeks later we shared a moving van and drove two days to the new city. Moved in my stuff to my new apartment. We decided that now-husband was moving in with me while we moved in my stuff (ha, that sounds worse than it was!). He has gone back to school here, though is still deciding what fits for him (he will be here, just not sure whether he is going to continue with the schooling or look for work here instead)
Here I am almost a year later. THRILLED with my job. Not a sacrifice at all. It was actually a far better opportunity. While definitely him thinking of moving here was an influence, I made the decision for me. Funnily enough, before I ever met DH, and I was in this city, I thought...wow, I would love to live here - I was in another long term relationship at the time and he was very much grounded where we were...no moving happening!
We BOTH love it here. He is closer to family in the province (none in this city). We both love this part of the world. Love the opportunities we have found and definitely the lifestyle. We are very outdoorsy people and this place is great for that. We have lots of free time (despite a demanding career on my part). We love our little apartment. I am thrilled with my career. He enjoys his schooling, being close to some of his friends, and just the general environment. And...we both love being together. It is different being farther from my own family and there are times I notice that it can be difficult that way, but, I am not homesick (and I see them now and then and talk to them regularly).
Oh, and obviously, when we moved - even when we moved in - there was no firm agreement for engagement or marriage. After some more time, and more experiences together, he proposed. That was about 5 months after we moved, and a year after we started dating. We married a couple months after that.
But...even if he had not moved in with me, we had not got married, and so on...I would still be happy with my decision as it was the RIGHT decision for me to make. I did make my decision recognizing that I felt my relationship was important and I wanted to be with my now-husband (not long distance) and felt that we had a very good future ahead of us, so it was not purely "all about me", but there were no guarantees of any sort what would happen then, or later. There are always risks involved. It might have ended up being he did not move here, I hated it here, hated the job and so on...and then decided to move back. But I was willing to take those risks and only had myself to "blame" for taking them!
So, your story may vary. Of course it will...you are different people in different circumstances. All I can say is....there are never guarantees. Whether you stay, or whether you go things may or may not work out with your partner. You may not move, and things don't work out, or you may move, and things do. Life is uncertain. All you can do is make choices that fit for YOU considering the circumstances as you know them right now. You would not be in the wrong for making your relationship and your boyfriend a priority in this decision, but it should not feel like a "sacrifice" either, nor would you be wrong for making the move and seeing what happens even if you cannot continue long distance - it really should be a decision you make based on what is important to YOU.
I don't think your boyfriend can say "yes, we are going to get married" as he does not know yet - as he sounds not ready YET. 19 months may be plenty for some, even for you, but sounds like at this point it is not plenty for him. And he can't make that promise until he knows. He has expressed what is going on for him right now. He probably also does not want to make the decision FOR you as it seems like you are almost asking him to do (i.e. if he says yes I will marry you....then you will stay, otherwise you won't). It is a lot to put on someone else - having them make a decision for you. And, unfair really. Even if he says "I want to marry you in the future" it does not mean he WILL. So, if you make a decision based on that.....and it does not work out, how are you going to feel? This is why you MUST make the decision for your own reasons, knowing that there is a risk whatever you choose, and be willing to take those risks.
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