Unexpected Accepts to wedding...

[meresal]

My parents are paying for 90% of the wedding. We used money from FI's family to pay for the photographer.

FIL's put lots of people on their side of the list with a disclaimer that "There's no way they will come. We just "need" to invite them." or "They haven't showed up to an event in years." Well, one family that would "never come" has not only RSVP'd accepts, but for their entire 5 person family. I'm starting to freak. She had me send invites to the entire street that they live on and they have lots of kids. I'm talking like 5 families that total 25 people that are supposedly "never going to come".

My mom made a comment, about being scared to open RSVP's, because it's only been a little over a week and we've only gotten 2 couples that have sent regrets, and over 30 accepts. This is the only "never coming" invite that sent accepts so far, but none of the other have sent the RSVP yet, so no regrets either. I don't want my parents freaking out about this, but at $100/pp were talking about alot of money for people that weren't supposed to come.

If you found yourself in a situation where you get lots of accpets that never should have been accepts... would you ask your FIL's to pay for these guests?

 

[galvana]

Hi mer
I think i would have had the conversation with them about the "what IF" before i sent the invites out. Did you guys do this?
at all?
even if they said there is no way they will ever come, did anyone ever say, well what if they do?

seeing you have only just started to get the rsvps back now, i think you should have this conversation immediately - so at least you have a plan for when they do start coming in.

be honest, we are just starting to get rsvps and my parents only budgeted for X amount of people, we invited all your extras as you said they woulnd''t come. well what IF they do? are you able to help pay for them ?

 

[Clairitek]

I''m just curious, how is the guest list broken down? What percentage of guests below to your FI''s side and out of that group, how many are these "they will never come" invites?

I would seriously consider asking them for a little extra money. It sounds like these guests might add up to a few thousand dollars of the trend continues.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I guess I''m old school...but I didn''t invite anyone I couldn''t afford to host because people are pretty unpredictable sometimes. For me, it wasn''t about the money, it was about the venue space--we just had a max capacity number and that was what I based my guest list off of. Same thing different variable.

I think at this point, you just have to kind of hope it comes out in a wash...meaning surprise RSVP''s both accept and regret. It''s unfortunate that you''ve gotten yourself into this situation, but I think saying to the FIL''s that they now need to pay to cover the excess isn''t really a viable solution since they''ve already contributed what they could afford--hence your photographer.

Good luck!!

 

[wyndham]

Hi Meresal,

I was wondering the same thing as ILPC -- did anyone ever pose the question "well what if these guests do show up"? If you asked that and your future in-laws just replied "they won''t", I think you need to go back to them ASAP and tell them about the trend you''re seeing and see if they have any intel as to how many more of their alleged ''declines'' are actually going to be ''accepts''. Maybe it was just this one family and all of their other guests will actually be declines? Wishful thinking...

If you do end up having a lot of extra people say they''ll be attending, I don''t think you can just present your future in-laws with a bill unless that was what you agreed upon before (as tempting as that might be!). However, I do think it''s fine to tell them that all of their ''guaranteed'' no-shows are actually planning to attend and see if they''d be willing to help cover some of the additional costs. I think all you can do at this point is to just ask politely and leave it at that - if they say no, you and your parents should graciously cover the cost and consider it a lesson learned anytime your FMIL wants to invite people to any event you host in the future.

Good luck!!

 

[Morgie44]

I think that, if you haven''t already discussed it with FIL''s, you should wait it out and see how many more yes''s you get than you are expecting to get. It seems to me, from friends that have gotten married recently that there are some surprise yes''s and some surprise no''s as well, especially with the current economy! It also seems like people get a flurry of yes''s at the beginning and then it evens out later. I know for me, if we are excited about attending a wedding, I return the RSVP right away, but if we can''t attend, I tend to take longer to respond.

 

[fieryred33143]

Someone in this scenario...either your parents, you, or your FI...needed to put their foot down and not invite people under the assumption that they''ll say no. An invited guest is an invited guest and should have been counted towards the final number/budget. So I voted no to asking the in-laws for money for these guests.

 

[meresal]

just had the whole thing typed out... and lost it...

So here''s the quick version:
Yes, I brought it up when we went over the list because this is something that I was not ok with. I am the 4th to get married in my family and we have NEVER sent more than we can afford or hold.
I think that she said they would take care of any guests that go over our budget, but I can''t remember. I felt like my family and I were being very accomodating by not making her cut her list, because she said "they won''t come", but I am now starting to feel the hurt. That''s completely my fault.
The only people in this whole scenario that are not worried about costs are FI''s parents. My parents can afford to pay for these extra guests, that''s not the issue, it''s just not what we agreed on, and I''m not ok with asking my parents to pay more for people that were promised not to come. FI told me if it came down to it, he would be the one to talk to his parents and said they will give my parents money if he asks. They haven''t been stingy about anything.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:39:34 AM
Author: wyndham
Hi Meresal,

I was wondering the same thing as ILPC -- did anyone ever pose the question 'well what if these guests do show up'? If you asked that and your future in-laws just replied 'they won't', I think you need to go back to them ASAP and tell them about the trend you're seeing and see if they have any intel as to how many more of their alleged 'declines' are actually going to be 'accepts'. Maybe it was just this one family and all of their other guests will actually be declines? Wishful thinking...

If you do end up having a lot of extra people say they'll be attending, I don't think you can just present your future in-laws with a bill unless that was what you agreed upon before (as tempting as that might be!). However, I do think it's fine to tell them that all of their 'guaranteed' no-shows are actually planning to attend and see if they'd be willing to help cover some of the additional costs. I think all you can do at this point is to just ask politely and leave it at that - if they say no, you and your parents should graciously cover the cost and consider it a lesson learned anytime your FMIL wants to invite people to any event you host in the future.

Good luck!!

FMIL told FI's brother and sister, who will each know guests at the wedding, (brother will know over 20, and sister will know over 5 or 6) that they could bring friends, 4 each actually. Yup, that's an extra $800 for sibling freinds. Maybe FI will get to invite friends to each of their weddings? This whole thing is out of control, and it's only my fault. I know that.

We had to sit down about the RD last night, becuase she was adding guests to the invitations to all of my cousins, which we did not do for the wedding. You can imagine how that might have snowballed!!

Morgie: I hope you are right. I guess the other thing that is just kind of upsetting, is that I seriously cut my list due to all these extra people, on FIL's list and wanted FI to have all of his friends there, and the only regrets we have gotten were from two of my sorority sisters and their husbands. I knwo it will all work out, it always does and for that I am extremely thankful.

 

[meresal]

Wow, I didn't realize this would be so split. I guess I'm just putting myself in a MOG position, and I would feel horrible if I had my son's bride send invites to people I thought wouldn't come, and then they did. (Though, I would never send those invites anyway.)

For those that are putting Yes (any other reason) and No (any other reason)... would you mind sharing why?

Thanks for everyone's input so far.

 

[mayachel]

My guest list will include a similar set of about 20 additional people that aboth DF and MIL swear will not attend, have never attended previous family events etc...my mother, is horrified at the idea of inviting people without the contingency that they may infact show up for OUR event. As relationships are good all around, I feel like we could approach MIL and mention:

" we were surprised that all 20 of the Smith family decided to join us, and while we are delighted to have them, as we mentioned during the planning stages, having them attend does put us over budget. You have already been so generous and we really appreciate it. Would you be able to contribute an additional $$ so that we know everyone is covered?"

I get that this is TOTALLY easier for me to tell you though

Keep your fingers crossed for me, and I''ll do the same for you!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 6/16/2009 11:07:48 AM
Author: meresal
just had the whole thing typed out... and lost it...

So here''s the quick version:
Yes, I brought it up when we went over the list because this is something that I was not ok with. I am the 4th to get married in my family and we have NEVER sent more than we can afford or hold.
I think that she said they would take care of any guests that go over our budget, but I can''t remember. I felt like my family and I were being very accomodating by not making her cut her list, because she said ''they won''t come'', but I am now starting to feel the hurt. That''s completely my fault.
The only people in this whole scenario that are not worried about costs are FI''s parents. My parents can afford to pay for these extra guests, that''s not the issue, it''s just not what we agreed on, and I''m not ok with asking my parents to pay more for people that were promised not to come. FI told me if it came down to it, he would be the one to talk to his parents and said they will give my parents money if he asks. They haven''t been stingy about anything.

I would have your FI mention it in passing to your FIL''s...something about how many of those "no''s" are turning out to be "yes"...see if they offer to do anything before asking. Then, wait it out...wait until the final, final, final headcount has been taken and see what (if anything) you need...then approach them for the money. Because right now, you''re asking for a blank cheque...since you don''t know what you''ll need--just that you may need something.

Also...what, if anything, can you as a couple afford to contribute? I would suggest the best solution possible is pitch in as much money as you can comfortably afford before requiring anyone else to pay the overages. Even if it''s only a few hundred...it will help.

 

[mayachel]

Date: 6/16/2009 11:49:12 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I would have your FI mention it in passing to your FIL''s...something about how many of those ''no''s'' are turning out to be ''yes''...see if they offer to do anything before asking. Then, wait it out...wait until the final, final, final headcount has been taken and see what (if anything) you need...then approach them for the money. Because right now, you''re asking for a blank cheque...since you don''t know what you''ll need--just that you may need something.

Totally agree, wait to see how all the numbers stack up. There may be unexpected regrets that put you within your target range, or barely over. In which case, I would abstain from asking at all.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/16/2009 11:49:12 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I would have your FI mention it in passing to your FIL's...something about how many of those 'no's' are turning out to be 'yes'...see if they offer to do anything before asking. Then, wait it out...wait until the final, final, final headcount has been taken and see what (if anything) you need...then approach them for the money. Because right now, you're asking for a blank cheque...since you don't know what you'll need--just that you may need something.

Also...what, if anything, can you as a couple afford to contribute? I would suggest the best solution possible is pitch in as much money as you can comfortably afford before requiring anyone else to pay the overages. Even if it's only a few hundred...it will help.

Thanks Italia. We will definitely be doing the "wait and see" as far as funds are concerened.
As far as FI and I contributing, in the end it will probably total to few thousand. I am trying very hard to keep this wedding as close to our original budget as possible, it's just at $100 a head, any of these unexpected guests are going to add up very quickly.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I would definitely ask for some $ from FI's family. Firstly, I am a firm believe that the wedding costs should be split 50% 50% if both families can afford to do so... From what I remember your FI's family is very wealthy so I don't see them not being able to afford it being an issue. They have invited friends and people they expected not to come on their own accord - so they should be responsible for them showing up. I think it would be VERY unfair for the to expect your parents to pay for it all... I would raise the issue (have your FI raise it with them with you not present) and see what they say. They might be surprisingly accommodating.

 

[Yimmers]

I had a similar situation. My parents essentially footed the whole bill for the wedding (minus costs for our own attire/hair/makeup and gifts to the bridal party).

His parents began to invite all these people. I said 20 was acceptable. They invited more like double that amount. I started to count up all the people and told my now-husband (weird saying that) that they invited over 35 people. It pushed our guest list over 200. I wanted only 150 people at the wedding. Now, he has a HUGE family - they made up at least half of the list. I do not have a big family. My parents also did not want to invite their friends (stating it was rude to invite them because the wedding would be out of town for them. Don''t get me started, that''s another rant for another day.) So, my parents paid for a wedding that sat a lot of his family and their friends. That irked me a lot.

His mom kept insisting, they will provide nice gifts, they won''t come. FAMOUS LAST WORDS. I''m sorry, but I don''t want to invite people just because they could give us nice gifts. Husband had to say, "Mom, you need to stop inviting people. Yimmers would like some of her friends to come to this wedding too, and it''s not fair because our side has taken up over half of the invite list." Didn''t stop her, because after we said one of their good friends had declined, her response was, "Well then there''s room to invite some more people we know." NO NO NO NO NO!!

We had both agreed that if they kept inviting people and we busted our budget, then we would ask them to cover the costs. No one seems to realize you''re still going to expend quite a bit of money to have extra guests there that you didn''t anticipate.


Don''t let them invite anymore people without evaluating how many people will now show up.

It could be worse - my cousin-in-law''s wife stated her father was inviting people up to the very day of the wedding - their insurance agent (no joke), barber, etc. This is the madness that can happen.

 

[LilyKat]

I definitely think they should pay. Obviously it''s something that your fiance should approach them with (rather than you), as a) he''s their son, and b) it''s not his parents who are essentially being taken advantage of. Something like, "You know you invited x and y, saying that they definitely wouldn''t come? They''ve just rsvp''d yes. Gosh, yeah, who knew? I know you''d never expect Meresal''s parents to pay for them, so I''ll let you know the total when all the replies are in."

But don''t feel guilty about it. They should have thought about it before they decided to extend someone else''s hospitality

 

[mrscushion]

I also advise a wait and see approach till you have the final tally, then tell the FILs about it and see if they offer to pay (which they probably will), if not then FI should approach them as their son to ask for the money.

I think it''s very fair for the FILs to cover the "oh, they definitely won''t come" crowd.

 

[loverocks]

Date: 6/16/2009 11:56:32 AM
Author: mayachel

Date: 6/16/2009 11:49:12 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I would have your FI mention it in passing to your FIL''s...something about how many of those ''no''s'' are turning out to be ''yes''...see if they offer to do anything before asking. Then, wait it out...wait until the final, final, final headcount has been taken and see what (if anything) you need...then approach them for the money. Because right now, you''re asking for a blank cheque...since you don''t know what you''ll need--just that you may need something.

Totally agree, wait to see how all the numbers stack up. There may be unexpected regrets that put you within your target range, or barely over. In which case, I would abstain from asking at all.

I voted no, other.
I agree here as well. If it really comes down to it, I would pay out of my own pockets for the balance. If you could affot to pay the balance, IMHO that is the graceful thing to do as both parents are already contributing nearly 100% to the wedding. If budget discussions and decisions have already been made, I don''t think it is in good taste to ask for additional money at this point.
I think if you wait it out, you will find that very likely things will even out pretty closely. There are always suprise yes and no''s so I think you will be okay in the end.

 

[Patchee]

July 11th for me and I did not invite anyone that I knew I was not going to want to feed I received all my RSVP''s back. Only two people are not attending. I was getting worried too from day one so I did not go crazy doing the "they will never come invites" because many do!

 

[meresal]

Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it.

Yimmers: I also got the "At least they'll send a gift" comment, whenever I said something about the "never going to come guests".

I won't say anything until we get more of the RSVP's back from these specific guests.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

My parents are also footing the bulk of the bill for a wedding where half the list if his family, and my parents only have 6 guests. But it's still a small wedding (around 80-100), and they knew the situation beforehand (my family lives in china, I'm marrying in the US). I was pretty clear from the get go that I didn't want a big wedding, and I'm lucky that my in laws were very respectful of that despite being a huge huge family.

I feel like at this point there's not much more you can do other than wait to see how the numbers fall once all the RSVPs are in, there's still a chance you'll come in within the numbers you were expecting. If you go over, I don't think it would be rude to ask the FI to approach his parents for a little help, just as long as you're prepared for the fact that you might still have to pay the bulk of the extra depending on how much monetary help they can give. And I'd just be careful to make sure FI asks in a nice way.

 

[Diamond Confused]

i would have your FILs pay for them. People on their street come one, they aren''t even family. I know I''m going to have this problem too.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

"Well, one family that would "never come" has not only RSVP''d accepts, but for their entire 5 person family. I''m starting to freak. She had me send invites to the entire street that they live on and they have lots of kids. I''m talking like 5 families that total 25 people that are supposedly "never going to come".

For this reason alone I think the parents should pay. WHO INVITES THEIR ENTIRE STREET?!?!?!?!

 

[teapot]

I agree with Italia, you can''t expect your FILs to pay if you have not discussed that with them previously, but you should talk to them about what will happen if you exceed your venue capacity.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I would, hands down, ask for money. The groom''s parents shouldn''t expect the bride''s family to pay for every last thing, especially guests that the Future In-Laws wanted to invite. It just isn''t fair. It''s as if they get to throw a massive party and force someone else to foot the bill. I don''t think so.

But, I must remind you, this is coming from a girl paying for her whole wedding, minus a $1200 wedding ensemble. Your mom has expressed that she''s nervous to open RSVPs. The ONLY reason these family members were invited was to please your FMIL. Simply tell her, "We weren''t expecting them to come, and now they are. This is more money than my parents were prepared to spend-- $1200 more. (or however much more). Would you be able to help make ends meet?"

My mother wanted me to invite a few cousins- the children of her eldest brother. They''re much older than me and, growing up, we did not spend time with them. The cousins don''t even know my name and confuse me with my sister. I''m the same with them- there are five of ''em, but I don''t know what name goes with what face. Now, my mom''s middle brother has three kids that I grew up with. They''re all 35-45 years old, but I''ve known them my whole life and love them to death. Because of that, THEY and their kids are invited. Sure, the "unknown" cousins may be pissed if they find out that other cousins were invited and they were not, but tough luck.

My mom kept saying, "Just send them an invite. It''s a formality. They won''t actually come."

But if they did come? Like your situation? $1700 extra. That''s WAY too much money. I told her if, in the event they all RSVPd, she''d foot the bill, I''d gladly invite them. Otherwise- NO!

If this situation is creating any sort of burden, put your foot down, Mer. I honestly think that''s completely fair for you to do.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Your inlaws sure set you up with this one! You need to sit down and talk to them. You''re talking about quite a bit of additional money. Like others said, never send out invites under the assumption that none of those people will show up because that is too unpredictable.

(We eloped for the wedding, but for my baby shower - I know different than paying for a wedding, but still just perspective - not only did the "never comes," show up, relatives from other states flew in! I didn''t even know some of the guests!)

 

[purrfectpear]

Sorry, but when you send out an invite there''s no hidden decoder ring that tells the invitee that they aren''t really wanted

You got suckered into sending an invite, you gotta pay up. Whether you want to try to pass that on to the in-laws is up to you. I''m thinking you bear some responsibility too since you should have put on the adult panties and said no.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Sorry to all of those who will think I am a total bridezilla..but I would and I did. Yes, I actually did. And they did pay up..turns out they "planned on helping" with a few things that they "forgot to see when it was due" so they passed us the cash some of which we forwarded to my parents since they had paid for some of the items. We had discussed it briefly ahead of time because the guest list breaks down to about 80% FI and 20% me..and my parents are paying for about 75%-80% of total cost of the wedding, but 100% of the ceremony and reception cost (except for the minister).

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 6/16/2009 4:50:54 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Sorry, but when you send out an invite there''s no hidden decoder ring that tells the invitee that they aren''t really wanted

Ha! If only... ::wistful sigh::