Unexpected Accepts to wedding...

[bensbride]

I guess I would wait and see what your total comes to in the end before asking the in-laws to fork over the cash. We found that the people accepted that "will never come" balanced out with those who declined and were "for sure, they will be there." It all worked out in the end.

I think it probably would''ve been best to outline this with your parents and your future in-laws before invites were sent. Doing it now is kind of after the fact. I know that''s not helpful at this point, but I wouldn''t feel comfortable sending invites to people I didn''t expect to see at the wedding.

 

[iheartscience]

I voted no because I think your fiance should be the one to ask them for the money. He should say something like "So and so who you said would not come has accepted and added their three children. If anyone else does this who you said would never come, I think it''s only fair that we (as in our side of the family) pay for them."

Although honestly, I think you should have put your foot down before sending out invites to these people in the first place! Your FMIL inviting every family on their street is really insane!

 

[Black Jade]

Don''t think you can ask them for the money at this point, since it wasn''t agreed upon that way from the get-go.

the polite thing for them to do from the beginning was to say that they wanted to ask such and such an extra person and that therefore they''d pick up the tab. That''s what my in-laws did. I ended up having 200 people at my wedding when I and my parents had thought it would be more like 125, but it made my in-laws happy and they were willing to pay. Unfortunately, if yours had been willing to pay, they probably would have said so long ago. Since they didn''t, I don''t think you can ask at this point, without putting major stresses on the relationship.

the person who wrote that many are probably delaying because they don''t really want to come is probably correct and I would think that if its past the RSVP date, you can call at this point and tell them that since it''s catered, you really need a ballpartk number. this pressure may make at least some of them opt out. People who are really not that close that your in-laws probably don''t wish to come--especially not in this economy--to something that they have to shell out bucks for a big present for.

 

[mimzy]

we found ourselves in this EXACT situation! FI''s parents SWORE up and down that not a soul from their entire family would come and we allowed them more friend invites accordingly, and sure enough they pretty much all accepted...however we had set up terms beforehand (although somewhat informally) that if more than like half came that they would pay....and we definitely took that money.

i was also kicking myself big time for giving in on the # of invites...grrrr...

hopefully you''ll have unexpected declines so that the numbers will even out (we did)!

 

[Gypsy]

Outside of immediate family it''s pretty much russian roulette trying to figure out guest''s responses. Seriously. Just wait till they are all in. And even then, I agree... if the parent''s are paying for nearly all of your wedding, you guys pay for any overage without any comment to anyone.

I had a bunch of "never gonna comes" that came. And a bunch of "I''d rather die than miss your weddings" that didn''t. Just wait and see.

 

[Lilac]

I had a similar situation with the in-laws and guests for my wedding - my parents are divorced so DH''s parents basically just assumed my parents would be the ones to "split" the wedding between them and DH''s parents contributed a minimal amount (and when I say minimal amount, I mean my parents paid for over 95% of the wedding and DH''s parents paid for less than 5%, if that much). Which might have been ok if they limited their guest list. But they didn''t - they invited over 150 people. My parents paid for 150 of their guests (and 40 of my husband''s) - which is over $25,000 just for people who my in-laws invited based on obligations and distant relatives that they said wouldn''t come anyway (but a LOT of them did).

My parents had discussed the money issue with them all along and left me and DH out of it - which I was VERY grateful for. The only problem was my father knew how much of a problem and how not nice my in-laws could be, so he gave into everything they wanted for the sole purpose of making life easier for ME. And I love my father for that - he paid so much extra money just to make sure I was less stressed out. But I really do wish he had asked them for money or put his foot down and told them they had to invite less people because all throughout DH''s life (even now) his parents completely take advantage of others and will do whatever it takes not to spend money because they would rather spend it on themselves. So just this once I wanted my father to put his foot down and refuse to pay for all of their 150 guests.

If I were you, I think I would ask them for the money. I would definitely wait till you get all the responses though, because if it''s just 5 people or 7 people then it might not be worth the potential argument. But if it''s more than that I would ask them for the money - they said the people definitely wouldn''t be coming, and now they are - your parents shouldn''t have to pay for that when they are already paying for 90% of the wedding.

 

[meresal]

Thank you everyone, for ALL of your input. I really apprecaite everyone''s views.

FI and I have decided to sit back a wait, like many of you advised. If it is apparent that my parents are getting worried, then we will talk about whether or not to say anything, but as of right now, we decided there is no reason to worry.
When I think too much about it, I start to think about what 30 more people would mean... including meals, favors, extra centerpieces for the extra tables, which is extra linens and place settings. It''s amazing what 30 more people can end up adding to a budget.

Ohh well, we''ll cross that bridge if it ever comes up.

Thank you again.

ETA: Just found out the Rehearsal Dinner guest list is over 175. LOL!!! FI and I are going over tonight to make sure all the invites match up with our wedding invites. No unexpected guests...

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 6/17/2009 12:07:37 PM
Author: meresal
ETA: Just found out the Rehearsal Dinner guest list is over 175. LOL!!! FI and I are going over tonight to make sure all the invites match up with our wedding invites. No unexpected guests...

175?!?!

That''s almost double my wedding list!! LOL!

 

[ams0124]

Date: 6/17/2009 12:25:37 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 6/17/2009 12:07:37 PM
Author: meresal
ETA: Just found out the Rehearsal Dinner guest list is over 175. LOL!!! FI and I are going over tonight to make sure all the invites match up with our wedding invites. No unexpected guests...

175?!?!

That''s almost double my wedding list!! LOL!

WOW 175!! That''s pretty much my total wedding list!! Good luck with that Mer!! I think I''d be slowly loosing my mind if I were you

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 6/17/2009 12:34:22 PM
Author: ams0124

Date: 6/17/2009 12:25:37 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 6/17/2009 12:07:37 PM
Author: meresal
ETA: Just found out the Rehearsal Dinner guest list is over 175. LOL!!! FI and I are going over tonight to make sure all the invites match up with our wedding invites. No unexpected guests...

175?!?!

That''s almost double my wedding list!! LOL!

WOW 175!! That''s pretty much my total wedding list!! Good luck with that Mer!! I think I''d be slowly loosing my mind if I were you

Damn, Mere!

I don''t even think I *know* 175 people!

 

[meresal]

LOL! Our families alone and wedding party make up about 85. I am actually interested to see who these other 100 people are... Most of FIL's friends are from where we live now, so I'm sure they just want their OOT friends to have a great time the entire weekend. Makes sense from a party standpoint, but this is byfar the largest RD I have ever heard of.

It's going to be a fabulous weekend that is for sure!!

 

[sunnyd]

Um, yes. That''s for damn sure!

 

[tlh]

Date: 6/16/2009 12:19:44 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/16/2009 11:49:12 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I would have your FI mention it in passing to your FIL''s...something about how many of those ''no''s'' are turning out to be ''yes''...see if they offer to do anything before asking. Then, wait it out...wait until the final, final, final headcount has been taken and see what (if anything) you need...then approach them for the money. Because right now, you''re asking for a blank cheque...since you don''t know what you''ll need--just that you may need something.

Also...what, if anything, can you as a couple afford to contribute? I would suggest the best solution possible is pitch in as much money as you can comfortably afford before requiring anyone else to pay the overages. Even if it''s only a few hundred...it will help.

Thanks Italia. We will definitely be doing the ''wait and see'' as far as funds are concerened.
As far as FI and I contributing, in the end it will probably total to few thousand. I am trying very hard to keep this wedding as close to our original budget as possible, it''s just at $100 a head, any of these unexpected guests are going to add up very quickly.

I agree. Definate no''s accepted, and people we thought 100% would be YES, didn''t come. It worked out in the end... but was an interesting split of guests...

 

[cocolaw]

oh dear! you are scaring me...if my fiance''s family''s homebuilder comes, even though they swear those types wont show, our "intimate family + friends sit-down dinner only wedding" will turn into something else entirely

i voted yes.