Uninvited Family Woes

[piccolascimmia]

So we sent out the email save the dates during this past week and then last night my fiancee sees an email in his inbox. Its from one of his distant cousins, but has the title of our save the date. He opens it up, and it was forwarded to the cousin by my fiancee''s sister-in-law with these words "help spread the word so that everyone can make travel plans until they get their invitation." OK...um...we only invited siblings and aunts/uncles. She forwarded this email to 24 people who are NOT on the invitation list!

Now that I''ve slept on it, I''m not as angry about it, but if you were us what would you do? I believe fiancee has called the sister-in-law and left a message to explain her error of forwarding it to folks we didnt invite (and she should have known we were having a small wedding...its been a topic of discussion before). But what do we do (if anything) about all the others that got faux invited? Will they realize that getting forwarded a save the date isn''t an invitation? Will they realize they would have received a save the date if they had been invited?

Ugh. Now I wish I had just done a mailed save the date, but still wonder if that would have stopped her from inviting the rest of the family.

But, on a happy note, today we got our first wedding present off the registry! Yay!

 

[oshinbreez]

I''m sorry. That would be so irritating. I wouldn''t do anything about it. Let the fiancee''s sil do the explaining. If people ask you if they''re invited, then explain to them how you''re having a small wedding.

Yay on wedding gift.

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree, let FI handle this. It''s a PITA for sure. But if I got a forwarded message I''d never take it to mean I was invited... Yay on your first wedding gift, how exciting!!!!

 

[gailrmv]

Oh, I''d be steamed (at SIL). If possible, I think it would be great if your FI could get the SIL to send an email to these 24 ppl explaining her faux pas! I can''t believe she did that!
If that doesn''t happen, yes I think your FI should let those 24 ppl know of the mix up and explain that you are having a small wedding. Otherwise they might be confused when they don''t get the invite later on.

 

[surfgirl]

Your FI should talk to the SIL and tell her that SHE is responsible for immediately letting all those people know that you are having an immediate family only wedding and she made a mistake.

But...let this be a lesson on why emailing any type of invite isn''t the way to go for a wedding, or related event. It''s just too easy for people to commandeer emails and mess with your plans!

 

[monarch64]

Yeah, I''d be a little peeved about the situation. Let FI handle it in a tactful way, and don''t stress out over this too much. Email is not the best way to notify people to save the date, though...another poster mentioned this and I agree that it''s just too easy for others to mess with your intentions. Oh well...such is life, it''s over and done with now and your wedding will still be fabulous so don''t sweat it.

 

[fatafelice]

Wow. I can''t even imagine. I would definitely ensure that she contacts all of those people and *tactfully* makes them aware of her error.

 

[labbielove]

holy cow the nerve of some people never ceases to amaze me.
i have no advice to offer other than having FI call the person who "spread the word"
and politely explain the fiasco that this has caused.
from there it may need to be communicated somehow to the distant cousins,etc.

i am so sorry, people mean well but sometimes they just don''t get it

 

[neatfreak]

WOW. That''s crazy! FI needs to call his SIL, and politely tell her that she DONE WRONG! Then, the SIL needs to call everyone personally and explain HER mistake to them. It''s not your responsibility to correct her faux pas, it''s hers. She should have known better.

 

[Jas12]

i agree with above--SIL should make the correction...i don''t think you should be made to feel uncomfortable calling all those people to ''explain'' why they are not invited. No explanation needed on your part b/c it was not your error. It''s a small wedding, not everyone is invited, period.

Just make sure she does make the correction. Especially if you are worried that some of these univited people may show up.

(You are taking it well, btw--i would be flipping out if one of my family members did such at thing. It really is amazing how people morph into senseless wackos when a family member is getting married!)

 

[IndiBlue]

I have a similar problem and just spoke with our minister about it. His advice was this:

First, not everyone will agree with every decision you make/made.

Second, If people really love and want to support you they will want the best for you despite their own wants. He also advised that throughout your wedding process you will realize those friends/family that really support you.

Third, Don''t be afraid to say things like, "Because we know you love us and understand the limitations we have we knew you would understand."

Hope that helps- I thought it was.

 

[piccolascimmia]

Thanks everyone for the good advice, letting me vent and confirming that I''m not crazy for being mad at the whole situation. Fiancee talked to his brother, and he said they know she did this out of turn and will try to address it as best they can. I''ll probably let it sit for a few more days and then ask if we know how she (hopefully tactfully) addressed it with them.

While I logically know that folks should understand that a forwarded save the date doesn''t imply that they''re getting an invite, I dont think many in his family buck the tradition of inviting everyone on earth. I just hope they understand that no invite means just that...heck, I''d love to invite 25 more of his family if someone else was going to pay for them!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/3/2007 1:00:15 AM
Author: fatafelice
Wow. I can''t even imagine. I would definitely ensure that she contacts all of those people and *tactfully* makes them aware of her error.

Ditto. It is QUITE shocking to me that this person thought they were doing a good thing by ''spreading the word'' to others so they could plan. Was she NOT aware that was the ENTIRE point of the STDs? And that the people who needed to get them, were SENT them?!?! I am just in shock that someone would take it upon themselves to do that! It does put you in an awkward position nonetheless, as now these people will know they weren''t invited. Ugh!

 

[starryeyed]

Piccola, this is outrageous!

I would be pretty angry and kind-of embarrassed at the same time. I definitely think this is your DF''s problem, but I''m not sure I would leave the "fix" up to the sister-in-law, even though she is the one at fault.

Who knows how she feels and what she would say to the cousins to defend herself. Very few people have enough character to make the kind of admission that she would need to make. Plus, she MAY NOT be tactful enough to explain why the wedding is small. I wouldn''t feel comfortable having her explain it! The opportunity to bad-mouth you both (to save herself) is HUGE!

I guess it''s up to your DF to determine the risks and how to conduct damage-control. Some ideas:

1. Tell your DF to give the sister-in-law the choice to pay for the people SHE INVITED.

2. If she turns down the option to pay for the cousins, have your DF ask her to send a global to the 24 people apologizing. Have him ask to see a draft before she sends it.

3. Your DF should then follow up with the 24 people to explain that the wedding is small. He may or may not say why. I think it''s important to un-ruffle the feathers. I suppose he could send a global to explain or he could be more personal about it, depending on his relationships with the 24.

4. If the sister-in-law is a decent human being, touch base with her yourself. She is probably feeling terrible. However, if she is not a decent human being, she does not feel badly and you should steer clear.

Good luck with this!

 

[anchor31]

Ugh, I would be so upset! The ladies gave great advice, I hope the situation resolves itself soon.

 

[piccolascimmia]

Thanks ladies...well, I''m mostly moved on from anger, but agree with some who mentioned that we need to keep tabs to ensure the SIL tactfully handles talking to these relatives. I do not feel comfortable contacting them myself (although fiancee should do that if it indeed needs to be done). I do not like the idea of either of us calling them to tell them they''re NOT invited.

And indeed, I did joke to fiancee that if she wants to pay for those extra invites...then feel free

And, I guess I''ve mellowed because that''s just my nature, as well as finding out that SIL also just switched some kind of meds which they say have altered her personality a bit. I don''t know her very well (but she is generally a nice person), and she lives far away, so I just don''t think me calling her will significantly change the outcome. Part of this whole thing is the large Italian family thing...it feels like they think ''why isn''t the whole world invited?''

Although it may not be the best way to handle it, I''m hoping this just blows over with a combination of her contacting them to explain her error and them realizing that a forwarded STD does not an invitation make.