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Update (long and definitely not pleasant)

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jennypoo

jennypoo

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 5, 2007
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55
I don't post a lot, but some of you may be familiar with my situation. I've been in a long-term relationship for the past 9 years and living together for 3. We're both 27.

We purchased the house on the premise that an engagement would soon follow. I knew this wouldn't happen immediately after because we were both so completely broke, but I expected a ring within a year. He was aware of my feelings; I made them very clear.

Rewind to Christmas of 2004 when he gave me a promise ring and promised that within the next two years, a real ring would follow. Every Christmas since I've held my breath hoping that he would make good on his promise, only to be disappointed each time. Every special occasion was the same.

This past Christmas, as some of you may recall, I was so sure my wait would finally be over. We'd had several conversations about when he was planning to propose throughout the year, and each would end with us fighting and me crying. I started to feel like I couldn't even broach the subject anymore and began to repress my feelings of bitterness and resentment. When Christmas came and went, I was heartbroken, as was my family. It was clear then that he obviously had no intention of proposing any time soon. I was going to wait until my birthday (April 23) to see if anything had happened by then, and if not, I was going to pack a suitcase and spend some time with my mom and dad. This was an internal deadline. My birthday came and went with no proposal, and I was hurt deeply. We even went away on vacation at the beginning of April and I was hopeful then, but nothing.

I had then moved my deadline to our 9 year anniversary in August, but lately the thought of being disappointed yet again had been consuming my thoughts and I just couldn't bear to face being disappointed again along with the feelings of embarrassment and resentment that would inevitably follow.

Last week I reached my breaking point, and one day after work I went home and packed my bags. He came home and saw I was serious about leaving. I had always warned him that it would come to this one day, but he confessed he didn't think I would actually do it.

I am now staying with my parents and he's trying everything he can not to lose me. It breaks my heart to see him so lost, but am I supposed to let my feelings of guilt consume me? I do care for him and his well-being, and I certainly don't want to see anything bad happen to him, but I have put my whole heart into this relationship and I always made my feelings about solidifying our commitment very clear.

He admits he totally screwed up and was immature about it. He said that if he could do anything over again, he would've put a ring on my finger two years ago. We even had a situation like this two years ago where I was ready to leave, and he vowed to change, etc., but during that time nothing has fundamentally changed.

He now swears that he realizes the error of his ways and will do anything he can to "win me back" because he can't live without me. Little does he know how many times I laid right beside him crying myself to sleep because I was so hurt and confused as to why he wouldn't do something he knew would make me so happy.

He had a total breakdown yesterday and it honestly broke my heart to see him that way. He told his parents I moved back home for a bit and they broke down as well. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. I don't want to see him break down, but at the same time I have to be true to myself.

Sorry this is so long. Please don't be too harsh with the responses - I obviously appreciate all feedback but I'm quite emotional about all of this.
 
First of all, I want to give you a giant hug and tell you how wonderful you are for standing up for yourself. You did the right thing. You needed to make a move to show you were serious, and that action got through much clearer than any of the conversations you''ve had before. I''m sorry it''s so hard, but it *IS* what you needed to do.

If he is saying he wishes he could go back and put that ring on your finger two years ago, what is he doing about that NOW? How does he want to make it up to you? Are you willing to let him try these things, or are you not sure at this point?

Your post made me tear up, because I can only imagine how emotionally everyone has reacted to this--but they have gotten emotional not because you have done something wrong, but because obviously you weren''t happy and felt strongly enough to leave, and that was a shock. If you are blaming yourself for doing this, please don''t. You didn''t want to wait around forever, and now, regardless of how things continue from here, you won''t. *hugs* I think you did well, sweetie. You''re very strong for what you''ve done.
 
Sweetie, I am so, so sorry.

This is definitely not a time for harsh responses -- you need all the support you can get. You''re going through a lot right now.

I am very proud of you for at least having the courage to walk away.

Now, what to do? I have to ask this question; If he proposed right now, would you be genuinely happy, or would always wonder why you had to twist his arm to do it? It wouldnt be a great feeling to know that the only reason you guys are engaged was because you walked away from him.

I don''t have any answers for you, but I just want to tell you I''m sorry and I hope everything works out for you in the best way possible.

Just be true to yourself, take care of yourself, and make sure you get what you deserve.
 

I think you made a very bold step towards following your heart. Marriage is important to you and that is all you can say on that issue. It sounds to me like he got complacent. Everything was wonderful as is so he saw no reason for a wedding. He obviously loves you very much. I sincerely hope that he does realize the very big mistake he made in not taking your desire to get married seriously. I hope this is a push in the right direction for you and I hope that if you do decide to take him back after he has shown you that he is ready to commit fully to you that you have the wedding/marriage that you deserve.


I have had people in my life who have done this and have had both results: some have realized they were better off without each other, others realized their love and are getting married (one couple in particular will be married in November).


Not a lot of women will stand up and fight for their heart. You were so brave. I wish you the best.
 
Awww... Jenypoo. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I too gave myself internal deadlines, and even put a few on the table for him to consider. It's not an easy situation. Many times I thought about my deadlines and how I didn't want him to propose just bc of that. For us it finally took a heart to heart where I explined that I didn't have it in me to be dissapointed anymore. It sounds like your leaving is your heart to heart. Sometimes it has to be done.

Even harder is to see the person who you want to share your life with hurt by what you are doing to stay true to yourself. The thing is though, it's your life and if you don't follow your gut you may regret it down the road.

Now the thing is, do you want him to show up on your parents doorstep and propose, or are you willing to go back and wait again??
I know this isn't really advice but in the end I think being true to yourself is most important. It is hard to explain the emotional toll it takes on us when we constantly get our hopes up and are let down. I don't know that the guys will ever fully understand this.
Seriously huge hugs to you. I understand how hard this is, and I truly hope he has seen the errors of his ways, and decides to change them much sooner than later.
 
You did something that took a lot of courage and are taking the first steps in the direction YOU want to be going in. You should be very proud of yourself for putting yourself first…finally!

I understand he is upset that you have left and that he is breaking down but don’t go back because you want to make things easy on him. Think back to all those nights where you were crying yourself to sleep, how many empty promises he gave to you and then remind yourself that you left him to move on to bigger and better things and to put yourself and your wants ahead of all else. Remind yourself over and over how strong of a person you are.

Whatever you decide further down the road, just make sure the decision is one you are making with your best interest in mind and not anyone else’s.
Good luck to you.
 
Wow. First and foremost, I am sorry that you've been hurting so much and for so long.

One thing I think I'm hearing from your post, when you say things like "It breaks my heart to see him so lost, but am I supposed to let my feelings of guilt consume me? I do care for him and his well-being, and I certainly don't want to see anything bad happen to him" is that you feel badly that he's taking it so hard. I'm not hearing "I'm still willing to be won over and I'm having second thoughts about leaving him."

From how you phrased things, it sounds like (for you) the damage has already been done, and that you've spent too many nights crying yourself to sleep. Comparing that to experiences I've had in the past, when I get to that stage where the pain caused by the relationship eclipses the happiness, I'm ready to go, and there is nothing that can be done to repair the relationship, often because I've already tried everything that can be tried on my part and my capacity to try has been worn out against the rock of his indifference, so to speak. If that makes sense,

It's sort of like you're standing in the only warm ashes of your relationship, and all the wood he throws at it isn't going to make it blaze up again as it's simply too late.

On the other hand, if you are still tempted to go back and I'm just reading your post wrong, I would urge you to see a counselor to be right with yourself before you make any permanent choices, and that even if you want to take him back, now is the time for him to move heaven and earth to win you back, and in a marathon, not sprint, kind of way.

I really do wish you all the sympathy and I applaud you for what you've done. Dying a little inside every night as you cry and he doesn't notice ... I'm a master at crying silently and with no telltale body movements, but my guy will wake from a sound sleep to comfort me if he senses I'm upset. Your guy knew the groundrules, and he ignored them despite knowing how much it was hurting you, or wasn't attentive enough to notice what it was doing to you. If you're feeling guilty for how he's feeling right now, please remember he brought this on himself. You were alway clear about what you wanted, and if you two reached a breaking point previously, he would have known he was on thin ice.

Please take care.
 
Ditto. Despite the pain and disappointment you should feel good about having made the RIGHT decision. Please, do not rush back into this relationship because you feel bad for you BF or his family. At this point you both need time to figure out where things are going. This is not about the house, a ring or a wedding, but whether you want to invest more time and energy into this relationship. Ask yourself the hard questions, because it ultimately is about your happiness!!! Good luck!
 
Thank you all so very much for your words of encouragement. I truly do appreciate it.

I explained to him that this was not an ultimatum of any kind, but rather me having reached my limit and not being able to accept the situation anymore.

To be honest, at this point I don't think a proposal would solve anything. I really don't feel I would accept it.

It got to the point where enough was enough and I was sick and tired of living my life in uncertainty wondering "when is he going to do it?" I can't let someone else dictate my future.

I wholeheartedly wanted him to propose because he truly wanted to, which obviously will not happen.

We are still communicating, and he's promising to change everything in order to keep me in his life, but I had always thought in the back of my mind that if things got to this point, it would be too late.
 
I''m not going to be harsh or comment on your actions because they totally make good common sense to me.

I will however comment on his actions. Sure it hurts to see him hurting, but why is he whining to you about it? Is it STILL all about HIM in his mind? Seems like it. If his parents are so broken up about it then they need to knock sonny boy upside the head and drive him AND his checkbook to the nearest jewelry store. When he leaves with an engagement ring in his pocket then he''ll have something worth talking to you about. Until then, it''s still all about HIM and how HE''s hurting, and what this is doing to HIM. Know what I mean?

If there is an iota of sincerity in the man then he will realize that actions speak much louder than words, or tears.

Many good wishes for your future. 9 years was a long, long time to wait. You did not deserve the heartache that his insensitivity caused.
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I will *ditto* everything everyone has said. I congratulate you on being wise (and strong) enough to not allow this to continue and for having the courage to stop pretending it was okay. For him to promise an engagement for years, and not come through is wrong, even cruel. I don''t know what he is thinking or feeling but I do know that you did the right thing. If you feel a proposal wouldn''t solve anything, then the best thing is to move on--it looks like you already are. However, if you need to give him a chance to change it (for yourself, not because you feel guilty), then please only do so when he has fully acknowledged his mistakes and has made SERIOUS MOVES to correct them--in other words, talking means nothing. Otherwise, broken promises will likely follow, esp. given the history.

I am so sorry you''re hurting. I wish you all the best...you definitely deserve more than what you''ve been given.
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My heart goes out to you right now, and I want you to know that I think you are incredibly brave and that you did the right thing. Although I sympathize with you, I''m happy for you at the same time. You are at the beginning of what could be the happiest time of your life. It''s a time to rediscover yourself and to do the things that please you. I''m happy that you''ve freed yourself of the mental, physical, and emotional burden of your relationship. I understand feeling bad or guilty as a result of his emotional turmoil--you seem like a good-hearted and compassionate person--but don''t let it consume you or railroad you into a decision that isn''t good for you. You are definitely on the right track, and I commend you for your courage. Wishing you all the best!
 
Date: 6/9/2008 4:02:30 PM
Author: Bia
I will *ditto* everything everyone has said. I congratulate you on being wise (and strong) enough to not allow this to continue and for having the courage to stop pretending it was okay. For him to promise an engagement for years, and not come through is wrong, even cruel. I don't know what he is thinking or feeling but I do know that you did the right thing. If you feel a proposal wouldn't solve anything, then the best thing is to move on--it looks like you already are. However, if you need to give him a chance to change it (for yourself, not because you feel guilty), then please only do so when he has fully acknowledged his mistakes and has made SERIOUS MOVES to correct them--in other words, talking means nothing. Otherwise, broken promises will likely follow, esp. given the history.

I am so sorry you're hurting. I wish you all the best...you definitely deserve more than what you've been given.
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I completely agree with this.

He brought this situation upon himself. He knew that getting engaged was important to you. Furthermore, he repeatedly made false promises to keep you around. Keeping someone around on false pretenses is a really crappy thing to do, particularly ro someone you care about.

And to boot, he admitted that he didn't take you seriously when you told him how unhappy you were and that eventually you would be forced to leave if things didn't change. So he flat-out disregarded your needs, desires and feelings in spite of the fact that you were hurting. You deserve better than that.

You did the right thing. And good for you, because I know it can't have been easy. Seriously, I admire the strength that it requires to make such a difficult decision.

I really do think in the long run, you will be happier for it. Sometimes in an unhappy situation like this, it wears you down til you begin to think that you're ok with things even when you aren't. I had a similar experience with an ex (not relating to engagement, mind you). It's very freeing to be rid of the ups and downs, the disappointment, etc. It's not always easy, especially in the beginning but it's better than being with the wrong person.
 
Everyone else has already given such great advice, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. It really takes courage and strength to do what you''ve done and you definitely shouldn''t forget or let him discredit that.

Hugs!
 
He knows exactly what he needs to do to fix things. And until he does it...I'd be staying put.
That being said, as many others have mentioned in their posts....you need to consider whether or not a proposal at this time would be from his heart or because he was browbeaten into doing it.
I've been in your shoes and I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there and be strong!
 
Date: 6/9/2008 3:47:35 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I'm not going to be harsh or comment on your actions because they totally make good common sense to me.

I will however comment on his actions. Sure it hurts to see him hurting, but why is he whining to you about it? Is it STILL all about HIM in his mind? Seems like it. If his parents are so broken up about it then they need to knock sonny boy upside the head and drive him AND his checkbook to the nearest jewelry store. When he leaves with an engagement ring in his pocket then he'll have something worth talking to you about. Until then, it's still all about HIM and how HE's hurting, and what this is doing to HIM. Know what I mean?

If there is an iota of sincerity in the man then he will realize that actions speak much louder than words, or tears.

Many good wishes for your future. 9 years was a long, long time to wait. You did not deserve the heartache that his insensitivity caused.
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Exactly! His parents knew how I felt all along. That was no secret. At Christmas, someone made a joke about giving someone else an actual rock for Christmas (like a pet rock, as a joke), and I piped up saying, "Yeah, I'd really like a rock, too." And his dad said, "Hell, if you don't marry her, I will!"

I even had chats with his mom on the side and she couldn't understand why he hadn't proposed yet, but sat idlly by saying nothing for fear of "rocking the boat." Well maybe she should've spoken up. She would always just say, "Oh, one day he'll shock the hell out of all of us." Yeah, thanks for the support. My parents would try to talk to him and he'd get his back up saying that he'd "eventually do the right thing."

He keeps telling me now he's not letting me go without a fight, but where was the fight before?
 
Yeah, DEFINITELY don''t feel bad about him or his parents going through a rough time. He created it....his actions and choices are what drove you to your limit.
 
In his defense Jenny…and again I think you are awesome…but sometimes when we make “empty” threats, its hard to get your butt into gear. He knew you were serious about getting married, but up until you packed your things he did not know you were serious about leaving. You’ve completely shocked him (and he deserves it) so it makes sense that now is when he is adamant about fighting for you. The same thing happened to my best friend. For about a year and a half she was miserable. She kept trying to get him to wake up and realize who he had at home. Instead, he was comparing her to his exes and not trusting her at all. She finally gave up and moved out. She was gone for a month when they finally sat and talked. She poured her heart out to him…expressed her desire to get married, have children, and for him to stop being insecure and treat her like an equal. They dated for a little while and one night he proposed. Her leaving was a smack in the head for him to wake up and stop wasting time. Sometimes we need the smack.
 
Date: 6/9/2008 4:47:48 PM
Author: fieryred33143

She was gone for a month when they finally sat and talked. She poured her heart out to him…expressed her desire to get married, have children, and for him to stop being insecure and treat her like an equal. They dated for a little while and one night he proposed. Her leaving was a smack in the head for him to wake up and stop wasting time. Sometimes we need the smack.
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Keep in mind that Jennypoo admitedly told him all of these things BEFORE she was so put off she left.

I am sure NewEnglandLady will drop by and share her story...it''s one of the few out there with a very happy ending to it. I''m not saying happy endings can not happen, or that hope is eternally pointless but quite frankly, Jennypoo, it sounds to me like even if he was to come back on bended knee you would still stand your ground and not be fully convinced it wasn''t an act to "save" something he should have been working to save a heck of a long time ago. Seems to me like you have just the right amount of anger to know the difference between "knowing" he is ready and "desperate" to be ready.

Again, kudos to you for having the strength to stand your ground.
 
Jennypoo You poor bugger, I just want to give you a big hug.

I think you have gotten some fantastic advice from the other ladies and lots of support I am not sure what else to add. I think you made the right choice leaving :).
 
You are my hero!!! Big hug!
 
I don''t think I can say anything better that what has been said already but I do want to say that I''m sorry and that I am SO impressed with your strength. You were able to do what so many women out there can''t do, and that is awesome.

(((hugs)))

And I especially agree with Galateia. And I do hope that NEL stops by and shares with us her story.
 
Jenny,
I am so sorry for the situation you are currently in, but I wanted to join the list of ladies who are so proud of the strength you have shown. When all is said and done, you are the only one who can take care of your happiness...and I believe you''re taking a step in the right direction. Keep your head up and good luck sweetie!
 
Date: 6/9/2008 3:19:40 PM
Author:jennypoo
I don''t post a lot, but some of you may be familiar with my situation. I''ve been in a long-term relationship for the past 9 years and living together for 3. We''re both 27.

We purchased the house on the premise that an engagement would soon follow. I knew this wouldn''t happen immediately after because we were both so completely broke, but I expected a ring within a year. He was aware of my feelings; I made them very clear.

Rewind to Christmas of 2004 when he gave me a promise ring and promised that within the next two years, a real ring would follow. Every Christmas since I''ve held my breath hoping that he would make good on his promise, only to be disappointed each time. Every special occasion was the same.

This past Christmas, as some of you may recall, I was so sure my wait would finally be over. We''d had several conversations about when he was planning to propose throughout the year, and each would end with us fighting and me crying. I started to feel like I couldn''t even broach the subject anymore and began to repress my feelings of bitterness and resentment. When Christmas came and went, I was heartbroken, as was my family. It was clear then that he obviously had no intention of proposing any time soon. I was going to wait until my birthday (April 23) to see if anything had happened by then, and if not, I was going to pack a suitcase and spend some time with my mom and dad. This was an internal deadline. My birthday came and went with no proposal, and I was hurt deeply. We even went away on vacation at the beginning of April and I was hopeful then, but nothing.

I had then moved my deadline to our 9 year anniversary in August, but lately the thought of being disappointed yet again had been consuming my thoughts and I just couldn''t bear to face being disappointed again along with the feelings of embarrassment and resentment that would inevitably follow.

Last week I reached my breaking point, and one day after work I went home and packed my bags. He came home and saw I was serious about leaving. I had always warned him that it would come to this one day, but he confessed he didn''t think I would actually do it.

I am now staying with my parents and he''s trying everything he can not to lose me. It breaks my heart to see him so lost, but am I supposed to let my feelings of guilt consume me? I do care for him and his well-being, and I certainly don''t want to see anything bad happen to him, but I have put my whole heart into this relationship and I always made my feelings about solidifying our commitment very clear.

He admits he totally screwed up and was immature about it. He said that if he could do anything over again, he would''ve put a ring on my finger two years ago. We even had a situation like this two years ago where I was ready to leave, and he vowed to change, etc., but during that time nothing has fundamentally changed.

He now swears that he realizes the error of his ways and will do anything he can to ''win me back'' because he can''t live without me. Little does he know how many times I laid right beside him crying myself to sleep because I was so hurt and confused as to why he wouldn''t do something he knew would make me so happy.

He had a total breakdown yesterday and it honestly broke my heart to see him that way. He told his parents I moved back home for a bit and they broke down as well. This is the hardest thing I''ve ever had to deal with and I feel like I''m hanging by a thread. I don''t want to see him break down, but at the same time I have to be true to myself.

Sorry this is so long. Please don''t be too harsh with the responses - I obviously appreciate all feedback but I''m quite emotional about all of this.
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Dear JennyPoo: I am so sorry you are hurting. But I am proud of your taking the action you did to stand up for yourself .

So let me get this straight:
1. The 2 of you bought a house on the "understanding" that an engagement would follow. You say he was *aware of your feelings*. No engagement.
2. Christmas 2004 promise ring with a *promise* of a real ring within 2 years. No engagement.
3. Christmas 2007 you were *so sure your wait would be over*. Christmas came and went. (Remember, this is now 3 years post-promise ring). No engagement.
4. Your birthday on April 23rd. OK, I''ll give him this one, because you hadn''t actually *discussed* a proposal by your birthday 2008. No engagement.
5. Your latest deadline was August 2008. Good for you for not waiting until then...because it looks like it would only be another in a string of disappointments.

Stand your ground. Keep your distance. This *boy* needs some time to grow up. Perhaps it will happen and the 2 of you will find happiness. Perhaps not.

But it''s not up to you to fix him: he doesn''t get it. At least not yet.
 
First, you did the right thing. He is lost right now, but so were you for so long. I don''t mean to say he deserves to be in pain, but he does deserve to feel the consiquences of his actions (or lack there of).
Even if he proposed, I would not take him back until he or both of you have gone to therapy. You don''t want a knee jerk reaction that really doesn''t change anything in the long run.
Hugs, hang in there
 
Hats off to you for being strong. You did the right thing.
 
Jenny, I had to chime in here to offer you any support that I can. Hugs to you, what you''re going through is so hard.

Do you remember when you were trying to figure out what to do and you were hurt, and upset and frustrated and resentful, but you also loved him and had no clue what to do? You internalized all of that while still in the relationship--you internalized the heartbreak you would feel if you had to leave, you thought about your life without him, what it would be like, if it was the best thing to do? Heck, you even pushed back your original deadline because you were still debating all of these things in your head 4 months after he gave you HIS deadline. And finally, before even reaching your second deadline, you realized that you were 150% ready to move on with your life and you finally made the step to take the power back in your life.

Well right now, he''s JUST NOW going through the beginning of what you''ve gone through for the last year--he''s freaking out, he''s thinking of his life without you, he doesn''t know what to do, he''s trying to do whatever he can to keep you. This is part of HIS heeling process and he needs to go through it. And he needs to do it on his own--please understand that he''s grasping at you in desperaton--just like in the past, he''s doing the bare minimum to keep you. He''s not showing up on your doorstep on one knee just for the 1% chance that you MIGHT say yes, is he? No, he isn''t. Because he doesn''t GET it yet.

I''m not to ramble on about myself way too much like I am prone to do, but suffice it to say that after I left my then-boyfriend, he drove to my new apartment (which was a 26 hour drive away) TWICE in hopes of getting me back. He called (I changed my number), he emailed (I blocked his email), he tried for at least a month to do whatever it took to get me back, but I blocked him out of my life. Not to be mean, but so that I could heal. When he realized that I was absolutely, positively gone, that''s when HIS healing began. Long story short, after some therapy on his part and a lot of healing and growth on my part, he called to say he was very sorry about what he had put me through when trying to get me back. He said that once he "got it" he realized that what he was doing wasn''t helpful, it was completely SELFISH. When D told me he was ready for marriage, I knew it wasn''t the minimum to keep me, or what he felt he HAD to do, he was completely ready to embrace marriage...and even then, it took me a few days to figure out if it was what I still wanted...I hadn''t talked to him in several months and I was in a different place in my life.

I only say that because you need to realize that this time is about YOU--it''s about you healing, it''s about you figuring out what you want in your life, it''s about you being on your own for a little bit. Whatever he goes through, he needs to do it on his own. If he "walks through the flames" (as my husband says), then it has to be an internal journey because for him REAL CHANGE needs to happen, and I truly, truly believe it has to happen independent of you.

I have a very good friend who left her boyfriend the same day I left mine--he proposed when she left and she basically told him that that ship had sailed. She didn''t want to marry a man who had to lose her to realize what he had. Three months later she met an amazing guy, he proposed about 9 months later and they''re getting married this year. She is so much happier than she was in her previous relationship. I truly feel that leaving an overcooked relationship puts you in a position where you are in charge of your own life again.

I wish you nothing but the best...do what you need to do for YOURSELF right now, even if it means blocking his communication so you can heal.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know that this is really hard for you to see him like this, but at the same time, I think about all the times that YOU were sad, lost, disappointed etc. I know you feel bad about seeing him so lost, but he should have felt bad when you were feeling bad. It should be reciprocal. Just stay strong for now. If it was meant to be, things will work out. Hugs! Keep us updated.
 
Jennypoo, it is time to move on.

I posted on your thread when you first shared your situation a year ago on this forum. Since then, even though you haven't posted much, nearly every post has been to vent about hesitant hopes and dashed expectations. Enough already...he has known CLEARLY your feelings. You have not made them secret. And he has chosen, for whatever reason, to dig his heels in the ground.

Let's even forget about engagement for a second and just focus on his personality. You have mentioned before that he is stubborn and when pushed at all, he completely resists (I think you had a similar situation when buying your house). You will be signing up for a LIFETIME of this if you stay with him. This type of personality rarely changes. It does not end if you get your much desired engagement/wedding/marriage. There will always be something you may want, and he doesn't, and these types of conflicts will continue. Ask yourself if you want to navigate the seas of futile negotiation the rest of your life.

It would be a different thing altogether if you could accept and just love this man regardless if your marital status, but you can't. And you shouldn't have to. If you want marriage, you should have it. If doesn't want marriage, then he shouldn't have to. That just means you two don't mix. Yes, I know, he has always SAID he has wanted marriage but enough with this NATO (No Action, Talk Only) conference. Your heart has been squeezed and punctured so many times that I agree that a proposal now wouldn't do much to mend it. It's been beaten to a pulp. You're miserable. You have been for a couple of years. It's shown. He's seen it. He may not want marry someone who seems so miserable. He shouldn't have to.

You're still young and you have time to have the marriage and the kids you want...whether it is by him or someone else. Take time for YOU. You've had a partner since you were in your teens. Discover who you are, what makes you strong, and hopefully what makes you laugh and fill your heart with joy again. Let him wallow. He needs to see that you are someone who can exist happily without him. I'm not encouraging you to be this way as a ploy to get him back but who knows...maybe he will really realize what he lost and can CAREFULLY and COMPLETELY decide that he wants to be your husband, instead of begging due to the knee jerk reaction he's having now.

This was my best attempt at not being harsh.
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Good luck Jennypoo.
 
I completely agree with New England Lady and TGal. I think you made the 100% correct decision and I applaud you for it.

Don''t let his begging and whining sway you. If he was serious about marrying you, he would have shown up on your doorstep with a ring after you packed your bags and left. I''m not saying that''s ideal or that you would have even wanted to say yes, but in my opinion that''s what he would have done if he really wanted to marry you.

Best of luck to you!
 
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