Update (long and definitely not pleasant)

[KimberlyH]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:55:57 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Jennypoo, it is time to move on.

I posted on your thread when you first shared your situation a year ago on this forum. Since then, even though you haven''t posted much, nearly every post has been to vent about hesitant hopes and dashed expectations. Enough already...he has known CLEARLY your feelings. You have not made them secret. And he has chosen, for whatever reason, to dig his heels in the ground.

Let''s even forget about engagement for a second and just focus on his personality. You have mentioned before that he is stubborn and when pushed at all, he completely resists (I think you had a similar situation when buying your house). You will be signing up for a LIFETIME of this if you stay with him. This type of personality rarely changes. It does not end if you get your much desired engagement/wedding/marriage. There will always be something you may want, and he doesn''t, and these types of conflicts will continue. Ask yourself if you want to navigate the seas of futile negotiation the rest of your life.

It would be a different thing altogether if you could accept and just love this man regardless if your marital status, but you can''t. And you shouldn''t have to. If you want marriage, you should have it. If doesn''t want marriage, then he shouldn''t have to. That just means you two don''t mix. Yes, I know, he has always SAID he has wanted marriage but enough with this NATO (No Action, Talk Only) conference. Your heart has been squeezed and punctured so many times that I agree that a proposal now wouldn''t do much to mend it. It''s been beaten to a pulp. You''re miserable. You have been for a couple of years. It''s shown. He''s seen it. He may not want marry someone who seems so miserable. He shouldn''t have to.

You''re still young and you have time to have the marriage and the kids you want...whether it is by him or someone else. Take time for YOU. You''ve had a partner since you were in your teens. Discover who you are, what makes you strong, and hopefully what makes you laugh and fill your heart with joy again. Let him wallow. He needs to see that you are someone who can exist happily without him. I''m not encouraging you to be this way as a ploy to get him back but who knows...maybe he will really realize what he lost and can CAREFULLY and COMPLETELY decide that he wants to be your husband, instead of begging due to the knee jerk reaction he''s having now.

This was my best attempt at not being harsh.

Good luck Jennypoo.

What she said.

 

[Miscka]

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry that this happened. I understand how you feel. I just want to echo what Galateia said about getting to a certain point. He has hurt you over and over, and this is too little too late, which it sounds like you realize. Having just left my BF a few weeks ago, I can tell you that it is rough, but hopeful at the same time. I miss him, and I am sad (and actually I am pretty angry too) but I am also excited. I feel like now I have a chance to someday be with someone who loves me enough to understand the things that are important to me, someone whose arm doesnt need twisting.

PLEASE PLEASE let me know if you need to talk about anything. My heart goes out to you and your situation. HUGS!!!!

 

[jennypoo]

Date: 6/10/2008 12:55:57 AM
Author: TravelingGal
Jennypoo, it is time to move on.

I posted on your thread when you first shared your situation a year ago on this forum. Since then, even though you haven''t posted much, nearly every post has been to vent about hesitant hopes and dashed expectations. Enough already...he has known CLEARLY your feelings. You have not made them secret. And he has chosen, for whatever reason, to dig his heels in the ground.

Let''s even forget about engagement for a second and just focus on his personality. You have mentioned before that he is stubborn and when pushed at all, he completely resists (I think you had a similar situation when buying your house). You will be signing up for a LIFETIME of this if you stay with him. This type of personality rarely changes. It does not end if you get your much desired engagement/wedding/marriage. There will always be something you may want, and he doesn''t, and these types of conflicts will continue. Ask yourself if you want to navigate the seas of futile negotiation the rest of your life.

It would be a different thing altogether if you could accept and just love this man regardless if your marital status, but you can''t. And you shouldn''t have to. If you want marriage, you should have it. If doesn''t want marriage, then he shouldn''t have to. That just means you two don''t mix. Yes, I know, he has always SAID he has wanted marriage but enough with this NATO (No Action, Talk Only) conference. Your heart has been squeezed and punctured so many times that I agree that a proposal now wouldn''t do much to mend it. It''s been beaten to a pulp. You''re miserable. You have been for a couple of years. It''s shown. He''s seen it. He may not want marry someone who seems so miserable. He shouldn''t have to.

You''re still young and you have time to have the marriage and the kids you want...whether it is by him or someone else. Take time for YOU. You''ve had a partner since you were in your teens. Discover who you are, what makes you strong, and hopefully what makes you laugh and fill your heart with joy again. Let him wallow. He needs to see that you are someone who can exist happily without him. I''m not encouraging you to be this way as a ploy to get him back but who knows...maybe he will really realize what he lost and can CAREFULLY and COMPLETELY decide that he wants to be your husband, instead of begging due to the knee jerk reaction he''s having now.

This was my best attempt at not being harsh.

Good luck Jennypoo.

I couldn''t agree with you more. That is exactly what I explained to him, that every single time a "life decision" arose, it was like pulling teeth to get him to agree, and that quite frankly I was tired of pulling teeth. Besides, I don''t want to feel like I''m constantly struggling with someone to get them on the same page as me. I want to be with someone who wants the same things I do.

I wanted a proposal to happen of his own volition, not because it took something monumental to FINALLY get him to admit that he only wants to spend his life with me. He said that throughout all the years I was hoping for a ring, not once did he ever doubt the love in his heart and that he truly knew deep down that I was the one for him. Then why didn''t he just do what he knew would make me happy and thereby solidy this feeling?

I''m not entirely sure that I feel the same way as him now. An engagement is something I wanted for so long and now I just feel indifferent.

At first the thought of starting over again seemed daunting, and even though I''m a walking open-wound, I do feel hopeful. It feels so good to have finally taken control of my own life and future. I know this sounds like a no-brainer, but sometimes it''s easier said than done!

I truly, truly appreciate the tremendous amount of feedback and support you ladies have given me.

 

[surfgirl]

I''ll just ditto and word! Lost Sapphire. I''m really proud of you for taking care of YOU. Finally! His pain is his own doing. I wouldn''t feel sorry for him at all after all the pain you''ve felt. At this point though, I''d do a NEL, and cut all contact with him. Otherwise you''ll never really heal and he''ll keep dragging you down in his own drama. This time is about YOU, not him! Let him deal with his issues. You need to take care of you now. And continued contact wont help, IMO.

Also, I would never accept a proposal at this point. You''ll never know if it was out of desperation, or if it was really what he wanted. Just move on. There are plenty of men out there who would probably love to marry you and not make you wait 9 years.

 

[sunnyd]

Jennypoo, in your last post you sound just like I did after I broke up with my last ex. We were together 4 years (18-22) and it was only after I left that I realized that a relationship shouldn''t have to be so much WORK. That''s what I get from your last post. It was work. I wish you the best, and I know something better will come along. My something better only took 3 weeks.

*Hugs!*

 

[NewEnglandLady]

So glad to hear you''re doing well, Jenny! You sound like you''re in a very good place. Does it still hurt? Yeah, but that''s okay, that''s just part of the process. The fact that you KNOW you did the right thing and are eager to move on to bigger and better things is fantastic!!

Onward and upward, my dear!! It just gets better from here!! You''ve grown so much just in the past few months and you will just continue to gain strength! One this is for sure--you''ll never be back in a situation like that again--it''s funny how once you leave you think "why in the heck did I stay so long??"

I wish you the best!! Good luck!!

 

[Erin]

I was with a guy for five years, experienced the same promises, holidays, conversations, and I left. So I know what you mean by, Once it gets to the point where you actually leave, it is too late. You stayed there disappointed and hopefully over and over and over again. THOSE were his chances. Not this one. It takes a lot of strength to make the decision you did. To me, it sounds like the right one. Once you choose to leave that door is shut.

Now. Just like NEL, if your bf decides to go through the ENTIRE process of learning to make you a true priority, and conversations and actions improve, and all sorts of other things I won''t even bother listing goes well, then I can see where you two could work it out. Under the right conditions. But for now? You stay put and start thinking about what you want in a partner and see if he measures up. You have to reevaluate to see if you''re open to a reconciliation in the future.

By the way, over a year later and my ex still drops texts and emails once in a blue moon about how he screwed up. But I know that doesn''t mean that makes him right for me. Another thought, you may ask him for a no contact period so you have some time away from him. He needs it too. Good luck to you.

 

[Mediterranean]

Jennypoo,

You are an amazing woman. You''ve been the best girlfriend he (or any man) could possibly wish for. You''re kind, patient, considerate, empathetic and the depth of your love knows no bounds.

I will tell you what you are NOT.

You ARE NOT a tough decision, dammit!

Walk over to the nearest mirror and go say that out loud to the beautiful, intelligent young woman staring back at you from the reflection.

YOU ARE NOT A TOUGH DECISION


Period.


(((HUGS))))

 

[Fancy605]

Someone may have already mentioned this, but maybe this is the wakeup call he needed. Someone did mention the fact that sometimes the idol threats seem too empty to be taken seriously, and maybe he didn''t realize that there ever really would be a breaking point. Maybe this is just what he needs for him to get his you-know-what in gear.

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/9/2008 3:19:40 PM
Author:jennypoo
I don''t post a lot, but some of you may be familiar with my situation. I''ve been in a long-term relationship for the past 9 years and living together for 3. We''re both 27.


He had a total breakdown yesterday and it honestly broke my heart to see him that way. He told his parents I moved back home for a bit and they broke down as well. This is the hardest thing I''ve ever had to deal with and I feel like I''m hanging by a thread. I don''t want to see him break down, but at the same time I have to be true to myself.

Sorry this is so long. Please don''t be too harsh with the responses - I obviously appreciate all feedback but I''m quite emotional about all of this.

I think you are a very strong woman for actually packing your stuff and walking away, I very much admire you. It is alot easier to talk about, than it is to actually put into motion.

The sentance above really irks me. IMHO he is STILL expecting you to come back, and he hasn''t even done anything yet, but make promises that you''ve heard and been dissapointed by before. I agree that he still thinks this is 100% about him, and in the back of his mind he has no doubt that you will be back. I worry that this thought will keep him from actually making those changes he promises, because honestly once you go back and if he hasn''t truely changed, he''s going to feel totally in charge again.

Best wishes with everything jenny!!!

 

[redfaerythinker]

I am so proud of you for standing your ground. I can only guess at how hard this is. But there are a lot of wonderful women here who care deeply about you and want you to be happy. "HUGS"

 

[gwendolyn]

Hiya, jenny, just wanted to say that I''m thinking about you and hoping you are starting to heal.

 

[decodelighted]

I know its late to reply but I just read this thread now & was reminded of this NYT Couple ... although that story had a different ending ... OOOF. Least romantic wedding ever. Read the WHOLE story to see how he called her five minutes before her "deadline" to negotiate for and ADDITIONAL FIFTEEN MINUTES to "decide" & (GASP) buy the ring.

YOU have self-respect! Thank your lucky stars.

 

[Scorpio_22]

I know exactly how you feel, I was in a 7 year relationship.Everytime it was the same thing, buy a house, it was promised soon after, have a baby, promises promises..

If in 9 years he hasn''t done it you have to tell yourself he might never do it. can you live with that? we should not have to give up our dreams for a guy!! work on making your dreams come true, visualize that day and it will happen Babe!!

my thoughts are with you

 

[krisvrn]

Hi JennyPoo-
All I can say is you did the right thing. You must make yourself the priority. Continue to do what is best for you! Good luck!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 6/17/2008 9:18:37 AM
Author: decodelighted
I know its late to reply but I just read this thread now & was reminded of this NYT Couple ... although that story had a different ending ... OOOF. Least romantic wedding ever. Read the WHOLE story to see how he called her five minutes before her ''deadline'' to negotiate for and ADDITIONAL FIFTEEN MINUTES to ''decide'' & (GASP) buy the ring.

YOU have self-respect! Thank your lucky stars.

OMG!

Talk about lack of self respect! I''m hoping this fake/exagerated (sp?), because I can''t imagine any woman who would want the whole world to know this about their relationship. Come on additional 20 minutes to decide? That should have been a deal breaker.

Jenny, I hope you''re doing well. It''s painful now, but you''ve made room in your life for someone who knows how awesome you are, and who will respect and love you, and put your first in his life.