Update on talking marriage

[Patchee]

So, on the advice of you all here and the great advice you gave me I got the nerve to speak up to my guy last night on where out relationship is going. This is what I got...

- I said, what are your thoughts on the future, more so, our future?
- He said how do you mean?
- I said well in 2+ years we have not once spoke about our future and I think this conversation is long over due and I know you would not initiate it, so I am.

- His answer was: I love you dearly and am totally devoted to you. I never bought it up because I assumed you would know this. That was it.

OK, now girls, tell me, what in the world does this mean? I feel like this conversation did not answer my questions and that i am going to have to go at it again... Does this mean he wants to be my "roomie" or be my husband down the road?

 

[amyg]

Definitely husband to be down the road...but I thik you should have asked a few more questions, to get some specifics, like maybe about time frames...have y''all ever talked about marriage in general terms? Does he even want to get married to anyone ever? If so, then you need to know if he sees himself married to you at some point and then even in what sort of time frame...months or years or what... I hope this helps...

 

[SoonIHope]

That''s good...sort of...but I think you need to start another conversation! Sorry! I would start if off referencing this conversation, by saying something along the lines of, "I know you visualize me in your future, but I was wondering a little more specifically what you thought the future might have in store for us." If he is incredibly vague again...KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS!!! You can make each one just a liiiittle more detailed than the last until you eventually get to "Do you intend to marry me, if so when?" if he won''t catch the drift sooner than that!

It sounds like to me he might be perfectly happy staying in an unmarried relationship with you, so I would also try to point out (in a nonconfrontational way) that marriage is something that is important to you which you have been looking forward to. Since it has never come up in the past 2 years, he really might just think you don''t want to get married either, so he might have never even thought about it!

But if he really does love you dearly and is totally devoted to you, then I''m sure he would be willing to entertain the thought and talk to you a bit about it, whether or not he previously had any intention of getting married.

GOOD LUCK!!!! And just keep asking! I know how frustrating it can be to finally get up the nerve and then realize after the conversation''s over that you didn''t actually learn anything!!!

 

[snuga]

I also don''t think it means roommate, but I would have asked him more questions after giving such a vague answer.. What does that mean? Do you want to get married someday? to me??

It is definitely a "guy response"!

 

[ammayernyc]

I have the same issues. I think the only way to talk to him is with extremely specific questions. I asked my bf about marriage and I get ''I need more time.'' What does that mean?! So, I ask him ''are you waiting for me to get so fed up and leave so you don''t have to be the one breaking up with me'' (which is his history). He says, no. So, at least something is answered. I''ve told him that ''I don''t know'' or ignoring the questions are not an option.

So, I''ve been able to piece together that he loves me and wants to be with me but forever is a scary word even if he can see me in his future and that our future is to be together.

I''ve talked to some friends in the same situations and we all agree that boys are stupid.

 

[Caribou]

MEN!

He loves you and is devoted to you...hmmmmm very vague. How long will this devotion last? How long will this love last? How deep does the love and devotion go? I mean, I love my friends dearly and am devoted to them...but I love my FI with all my heart and am totally devoted to him....but not in the same way.

I dated a guy for 2+ years...I''m sure he loved me and was devoted to me...but purely as a friend. He never had intentions on marrying me...EVER. So if what you want is marriage, you deserve to know what his love and devotion means.

 

[anchor31]

Yes, it's a vague answer, but I honestly think it was a vague question too. If you want to talk about marriage with your guy, you'll have to say the m-word yourself. I flat out asked mine if he wanted to get married someday. From what I've learned, direct gets much better results than subtle!!

Good luck!

edited 'cause I can't type.

 

[Patchee]

See, I am totally getting sad over this... I feel it was vauge and that makes me think that no, why would he want to marry if he already has the milk (why buy the cow if you got the milk) as we live together, split bills (his house, not mine) everything.

I feel like he is not the committment type so when you all said that too (well some of you) it hit home and hurt. I WILL talk to him again tonight on this. I think it will start with ... "I understand you are devoted to me, but what does that mean as that was kinda vague", is this ok to start with?

I need you guys to get me through this, I hope you don''t mind. I feel like based on his answers I will either be jumping for joy or down the road looking for a new home

and I am sad thinking about it...

but why should I sell my self short if he cannot give me that committment?

Thanks! Patchee!

 

[allycat0303]

That`s a bit of a vague answer. I think you just need to bring it up as in, "Do you see us spending the rest of our lives together? In a married context". Don`t be shy! If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then you should have to have a concrete idea of where this relationship is going.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/9/2006 12:45:36 PM
Author: Patchee
See, I am totally getting sad over this... I feel it was vauge and that makes me think that no, why would he want to marry if he already has the milk (why buy the cow if you got the milk) as we live together, split bills (his house, not mine) everything.

I feel like he is not the committment type so when you all said that too (well some of you) it hit home and hurt. I WILL talk to him again tonight on this. I think it will start with ... ''I understand you are devoted to me, but what does that mean as that was kinda vague'', is this ok to start with?

I need you guys to get me through this, I hope you don''t mind. I feel like based on his answers I will either be jumping for joy or down the road looking for a new home

and I am sad thinking about it...

but why should I sell my self short if he cannot give me that committment?

Thanks! Patchee!

You shouldn''t sell yourself short when it comes to a level of commitment you want. Women have a tendancy to do that when it comes to men we love...I''ve done it, wasted 2 years of my life doing it.

Talk to him...don''t be vague in your questioning. Tell him you want to get married someday and ask him flat out, ''do you want to get married someday, if so do you see it with me'', if he is vague in his answer I think that will speak volumes. If you don''t understand something he says, ask him to explain it. You''ve been dating for 2 years and have never dicussed marriage, it''s about time you find out what he''s thinking. You''re in the relationship too, you have a right to know what the future holds for both of you.

Good luck.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/9/2006 12:45:36 PM
Author: Patchee
See, I am totally getting sad over this... I feel it was vauge and that makes me think that no, why would he want to marry if he already has the milk (why buy the cow if you got the milk) as we live together, split bills (his house, not mine) everything.

I feel like he is not the committment type so when you all said that too (well some of you) it hit home and hurt. I WILL talk to him again tonight on this. I think it will start with ... ''I understand you are devoted to me, but what does that mean as that was kinda vague'', is this ok to start with?

I need you guys to get me through this, I hope you don''t mind. I feel like based on his answers I will either be jumping for joy or down the road looking for a new home

and I am sad thinking about it...

but why should I sell my self short if he cannot give me that committment?

Thanks! Patchee!

It''s a good way to start... Then I''d add: "What I''d like to know is if you want us to get married someday."

Direct, plain, simple. If you don''t get a direct answer with that, well... You''ll still have your answer, because it''ll mean he doesn''t want to marry you, but doesn''t want to tell you flat out because he doesn''t want you to leave him.

You said in your other thread that he''s 36 and has never married... adding everything up, I''d say it doesn''t look good on the commitment issue. I''m keeping my fingers crossed for you, though.

Good luck tonight!!

 

[firebirdgold]

While there is always a chance of things going horribly awry with these sorts of conversations, at this point I wouldn''t let the next conversation end before the ''m'' word is mentioned and you have some sort of reaction out of him.
I''ll keep my fingers crossed for you. There''s a good chance he''s assuming you understood he wants to marry you someday just like he ''assumed'' you knew he was devoted to you. (which really is vauge, I gotta say).

I swear, I don''t know why men complain that we expect them to be telepathic!!

Have you ever heard of a woman saying ''well I just assumed you knew I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life.''?? didn''t think so.

 

[Patchee]

Thanks again! Your all the best! Really!

I will let you know tomorrow the deal of it all...

Unfort. if it is a committment issue I will have to reaccess my thoughts of future with him. Be the hardest thing to do, but I am strong and know what I want!

We get so much flack on our thoughts and what we feel and say to men but heck, they are terrible in so many ways of emotion, listening and all the other stuff that we get harped about, which they never catch on it... Grr. Happy to be a women, bewildered on how men are wired!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/9/2006 11:11:18 AM
Author:Patchee

- I said, what are your thoughts on the future, more so, our future?
- He said how do you mean?
- I said well in 2+ years we have not once spoke about our future and I think this conversation is long over due and I know you would not initiate it, so I am.

- His answer was: I love you dearly and am totally devoted to you. I never bought it up because I assumed you would know this.

You need to be much more specific. Follow-up discussion should be along the lines of:

* "I am devoted to you" is meaningful to me, but it doesn't tell me where you see our relationship progressing. I know that you love me, but you can love someone in a thousand different ways.

I've always envisioned myself marrying when I met the right person. I see you in my future, and can envision spending my life with you.

I need to know if marriage is something you want, too. I love you and want to be with you, but if you don't want marriage and I do, I'd rather know that now.

If you do want marriage, do you think we're moving in that direction together? We've never talked about it, so I don't know if you think at all about our relationship moving toward marriage. Do you? If you do, and you see us moving in that direction, when do you envision us making that next step?

 

[Patchee]

I love you guys!!! Couple hours now... then I question! I will NOT stop talking till I get that M word out, be hard but now I am to the mad stage and that at least will let me flow with my words!

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 3/9/2006 2:53:50 PM
Author: Patchee
I love you guys!!! Couple hours now... then I question! I will NOT stop talking till I get that M word out, be hard but now I am to the mad stage and that at least will let me flow with my words!

I think you and I might have be having the same converstaion soon!

 

[amyg]

Good for you for being strong about this...I was in a 4 year relationship, that was similar to this, I would ask the marriage question, but still always got a vague answer, and was never strong enough to push it because I didn''t want to have to make the decision to end the realtionship...now I wish I had...and have some of those years back...This is the right thing to do...you deserve to know his intentions.

 

[Blenheim]

Good luck!

One thing that struck me about the conversation that you already had about him is that he didn''t seem to answer your question. You didn''t ask him if he loved/cared about you, you asked him about your future. From what he said, he could be fine with just being with you, indefinitely, or he could have marriage on his mind. You deserve to know.

If you are in a mad stage, try to cool off a little before talking to him though. If you have time, you could try going on a walk or a bike ride and think through what you''re going to say. aljdewey has some good ideas. You don''t want him to feel like he''s being attacked. You just want to know what he''s thinking.

I''ll be thinking of you.

Blenheim

 

[Patchee]

Date: 3/9/2006 2:53:50 PM
Author: Patchee
I love you guys!!! Couple hours now... then I question! I will NOT stop talking till I get that M word out, be hard but now I am to the mad stage and that at least will let me flow with my words!
___________________________________________

I think you and I might have be having the same converstaion soon!
___________________________________________

And I will be here if you need to talk!! But, I hope it''s not the case with you!!!

Bleheim: I will have a long car ride home and when he gets home later in the evening I should be ok by then. You are right... be cool, non attacking!

AmyG, Been there when I was much younger with a long term relationship... although i did not want to marry the guy, I still felt like those 5 years were wasted... they are SO hard to get them back ...

 

[LizzieC]

I think you''re doing the right thing talking more specifically about stuff. After 2 years, you''re entitled to know where the relationship is going. But don''t automatically think that his vagueness is bad. He''s a guy, and they''re just useless like that.

Your BF''s ambiguity sounds verrrry familiar to me!

For the first 1.5 years of our relationship neither of us spoke a word about marriage or future or anything like that. In fact, one time he said he didn''t want to get a cat because he thought he might have to move overseas for work, and in my head I''m thinking "Oh my freakin God, he''s more worried about leaving a cat than leaving me!" but I never said anything b/c I didn''t want to scare him.

At the 1.5 yr point I thought I needed to get some courage and find out if it was going anywhere. So last July, I very discreetly brought it up, and found out that he saw us together in the future too! But no specifics. To my total shock in August, I found out that he was planning to propose by the end of the year!

We started looking for the ring in Nov., he proposed in Dec., and we''re getting married in June! So I guess the moral of my little story is that you can never ever presume to know what is going on in a guy''s head. Because if you''d told me last June that I would be getting married this June, I would have told you that you were completely insane.

Chin up!

 

[Patchee]

Hey LizziC - Sounds like my guy, my relationship ... although I have no outcome like you as of yet! Congrats to you!

OK, So, talked last night,

I said we need to continue our conversation of last night because you really didn''t answer my question of our future. You love me and are devoted to me... as I am to you but I love my horse and am devoted to him too.. so, where do you see us in 5 years ... or more so 2 years? And he said the M word! To my shock I must say!

He said Marriage? I said yes, is that something you want? He said yes, I said with me? He said of course. I said we need to speak about this more often because I just got the thought that you were committment phobe because of other events that occured. He said no he is not. I said I am not pressuring you so don''t feel that I am, I just want to know where we are at and where we are going in this relationship. He said no pressure, we should talk about this more..

So did I do ok??

I feel like now the ball is in his court, I won''t bring it up again, but I still will not wait forever for him to take the inititiave to proceed forward with this.. Is that OK to be like that? I an

 

[SoonIHope]

Ahhhh so exciting!!!!

I think you did great!

As did he!

If you''re in no particular rush, then I say leave the ball in his court for a bit now and see how long it takes him to bring it up. But if he doesn''t bring it up and you start getting antsy, I think you are perfectly welcome to bring it up again since HE agreed that you should talk about it more!!!! I''m sooooo happy for you, it sounds like he is definitely on the same page!!!!

 

[Patchee]

Albi- thanks!

I have to admit I was SO nervous thinking he was not the committed type that I did have two glasses of wine before hand... hahah! ''

I figure I can wait out a year. Hopefully there is talk in between there and I will hint along the way if it gets to be too drawn out. Although I said no pressure, I meant it yes, but I still will not wait out 2 years for it...

 

[Blenheim]

That''s great! You know what he''s thinking, and he knows that you''ve been thinking about it. Maybe knowing that will help him start thinking of a time frame, etc.

If you''re comfortable just letting him be the one to bring it up again, go ahead and do that (as long as he brings it up again in a reasonable amount of time). And I agree that he left it so that you can feel free to bring it up again if you want. If you don''t want to do it directly, you could always bring up how John and Jane just got engaged, and isn''t that great for them? Haha, I do that sometimes.

Gotta run to class

(the weather''s too nice to be in class), but I''ll check in later.

Blenheim

 

[akw94]

Patchee,
I''m really glad your 2nd talk went well. It''s nice that he brought up marriage and you didn''t have to push/probe too much. I bet it feels really good to know you and he are having similar thoughts. Definitely, if you are ok w/waiting on him to bring it up, that''s great. Just know that if you want to bring it up again before he does, you are entitled to do so and he did make it sound like he was open. What a big step! Congratulations.

 

[Patchee]

Amy & Blen, thanks! I figure by it being left open for discussion on both ends there should not be any "freak out" espisodes if either of us bring it up again.

I think I can hold out a while and see what his next conversation or move maybe. But your right, I still will not wait a very long time.. It is almost like I want him to bring it up to me in the future so I truly know he is still feeling what I am! It''s silly but heck, I approached it first now I think since we are on the same page he should feel free to continue conversating!

I forgot to mention that I did say our relationship always needs to be a 2 way street so to say.. he said, of course, if it was one way it would not work~!

I really love this guy ya know. He is a super smart professional, with the values of a women! But still he thinks like a man! lol

Blen- beautiful here too, what state are you from?

 

[sumbride]

You did so well!!! Congrats!!! I giggled at the two glasses of wine, because sometimes that''s the only way I can bring it up in any more than a passing discussion... He tells me all sorts of stuff if he''s had a drink or two. It does feel really good to have him talk about it, but then you could get to where I am...

He talks about it ALL the time, but he''s ALL TALK, NO ACTION and it''s driving me CRAZY! I almost wish he''d just shut up about it for a few months until he''s ready to move forward, but he''s an accountant, so for him, he needs to calculate risk, and by talking it out... all the different scenarios for a wedding... he''s reassuring himself that it will be ok. It took him 6 months to buy a sofa! I suppose 3 and a half years of dating isn''t that unreasonable but COME ON boy... let''s go!

 

[Patchee]

Ut oh... SUMBride!

My guy is like your guy in ways of calculating risks! It took him 4 months to by a washer and dryer because he had to study all the other makes and models.. oh and then the fridge, same thing ... and that got me crazy because we were using one of those dorm room type little ones!!!

OOO, I''d be going crazy too if he talked and talked with no delivery! How long will you wait ?? 3+ years is a long time, I think ... but then again... I waited this long to even talk about it! Wine is the savior sometimes even though sometimes my thoughts get fuzzy!

 

[firebirdgold]

WHOOOHOOO!!
*victory dance* That''s Great News Patchee!

It''s amazing how helpful a glass or two can be for these sorts of conversations.

 

[Cailet]

great news Patchee!! woo hoo!!

you know I think you , sumbride and I are all dating the same guy. LOL

It took us a YEAR of going to open houses/driving around neighborhoods for him to buy a house. 6 months of steady looking to buy a used car. and it's now been 4 months since he has started researching a new TV.

The boy spends more time RESEARCHING a purchase than he does actually owning the purchase. LOL.

I can't even imagine what ring buying is going to entail (hopefully I can just tell him I did all the research myself and that he just needs to go pick it up -- just might work....

)