Update on talking marriage

[anchor31]

Patchee, this is one of the times I am SO HAPPY to have been wrong!!!

Congrats, this is so exciting... You may very well have entered a completely new (and exciting!) stage in your relationship!! Yay!

I really do hope he brings it up by himself in a reasonable amount of time. And who knows, maybe you got the wheels turning in his head for a proposal within a year...

 

[Caribou]

Patchee, very proud of you.

YOu did something that I personally would be so nervous about...the first marriage talk. You did very well.

BTW, I love the love/devotion comparsion to your horse. That was great.

 

[Blenheim]

Patchee,

I forgot to say this earlier in my haste to get to class, but I''m also really glad I was wrong. I was concerned about his vagueness two days ago, but yay!!! you''re both thinking of the same things!!

BTW, I''m in Virginia. It''s in the 70s and sunny today

. Which, with the randomness of weather patterns this year, means we should probably expect a few inches of snow tomorrow. What area of the country are you in?

 

[TxBlonde]

Patchee

,

I'm so happy for you! It is huge that he said marriage without you having to say it first. I had to have this talk with my bf after 4 years...everyone wanted to know what was going on. I talked to him and he purchased the ring from WF...I haven't recieved it yet and don't know when I will. I bet you feel so much better now. I had a timeline in my head he has 5 years to propose after that i'm cutting my losses and getting outta there. I didn't wanna be that girl who is with the guy forever and it is obvious to others that he doesn't want to marry. Luckily i'm not and you aren't either! I hope it comes soon girl!

 

[sumbride]

The house thing... It took forever! We must have seen every house in our metro area before he was finally ready... we missed out on so many great houses because he was dilly-dallying on calling the realtor, but when we finally found the one we both loved, no exceptions, he was on it quickly and I love it so much! Hopefully the ring/proposal/wedding thing will be the same way.

I''m such an impulse shopper I can''t really understand his processes.

As for how long I''ll wait... Well, I haven''t really put a timeline on it... I love him dearly and want to spend my life with him. knowing he feels the same way helps, but I may have to strangle him if it takes longer than a year from now. I don''t think I''d leave... just strangle him!

 

[amyg]

I''m a little late in the responding...but Way to Go!!! You did great!!! Doesn''t it feel so much better to know!!!! And you got the answer yu wanted too!!! It doesn''t get much better than that!!!

 

[bobacha]

Congrats!!! Way to go!
haha I am so behind with these threads.. I just replied to your first thread.. didn''t really know you already had the talk

I''m sure you feel much much better now. .. keep hanging out in PS now.. join the other LIW waiting for the proposal

 

[Patchee]

I am excited but taking it all in stride. I noticed this weekend while hanging out with his younger brother and his girlfriend that she pushes the younger brother all the time for a proposal ... he said, i think she is going to propose to me... My guy just looked at me like he wanted nothing to do with the conversation... neither did I though. I will never be a pushy-pusher ... I really want him to want it just as much as I do so I will hang out for a while, wait and see what happens.

Thanks for all the congrats! Yeah! Blenhein" I am in NY and today it is raining but what a beautiful weekend it was...

Sumbridge: Yep, know the house looking feeling... and it was not even my house to share! He looked at hundreds of houses, for months and month... and yes, he too, has the perfect house now but what a process! Glad you got one you wanted finally!

 

[sumbride]

Patchee -

You''re right to not be pushy! It turns a guy off so fast! I was watching an episode of "Real Weddings from the Knot" (I''ve been TiVoing wedding stuff lately... he hasn''t said a word about that...) and the bride was SO whiny that I wanted to smack her... I don''t know how he put up with her at all!

It''s funny when they buy houses before marriage... you got included in the selection process, but didn''t get to live there... but while the shopping was going on, were you thinking about what it would be like to live there? When we started looking, he hadn''t said "I want you to move in with me"... in fact it was just a few months after he told me "I''m not ready to move in together" so when we started looking I got really depressed because I knew that a) whatever he bought would be where I lived eventually since he would have it for a while and b) since he was buying it, it might be small since it was based on just his income... buying a house for 2 on one income is tough in this area and market. During the course of looking, I guess he got ready, or maybe just realized the practacality of it all, because suddenly he started talking about each house as "we would live here" and I said "Do you want to move in together now?" Suddenly, he did! It was weird. So that made it a lot easier for me to shop with him, but I also said "No joint finances until at least engagement." So he had to buy it on his salary, but he did it knowing I would pay rent. That made us both happy. Then once we moved in together, he said "We should have done this last year..." I tried not to rub that in TOO much!

 

[anchor31]

I agree, pushing is bad... I went a little psycho when he started talking about proposing back in September, but I found PS and the LIWs two weeks later and I honestly believe it saved our relationship. Waiting can be very frustrating, as we all know, but it happens for a reason. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves in the other''s shoes for a while and wonder how we would feel if we were the one being pushed...

Now that you know your boyfriend does want to marry you, just see where it leads for a little while! You two seem to be doing great, I''m sure he won''t let you down.

 

[Patchee]

So Sumb- you pay him rent??? I do too, on his house and my family thinks I should''nt be paying anything because we are not engaged and it is his house...

 

[sumbride]

Patchee -

Yep, I pay rent and half utilities. I don''t pay half the mortgage since I don''t have equity or a tax break, but I feel it''s right to pay rent since I am living there. We set it together and I feel comfortable with the amount, especially since it is less than half what I was paying in rent for my apartment! I don''t pay so much that I would feel slighted if we broke up and I had to move out, but me paying rent enables us to have a bigger place and a nicer life. I do joke with him that I''d be better off NOT marrying him because then I could continue on below-market-rent forever! He knows I''m kidding, but it''s kind of fun to point out that I actually have a better deal now!

It''s odd that your family feels you shouldn''t pay rent to him... My view of it is "I''m an adult in need of a home, I have to pay for it..." He''s not my sugar daddy or provider... it''s a partnership. I think you''re doing the right thing.

Sum

 

[akw94]

I agree with paying "rent" also. If I were living w/someone in their house, I wouldn''t feel right living there w/o paying. I wouldn''t do that w/a roommate. I want to feel as if i''m supporting myself. I wouldn''t see it as living in his house. You both live there. His name may be on the mortgage but that doesn''t make it any less your home. What was a little weird to me is that my bf and I are buying a place together this summer. He brought up me paying less than half, based on our income and expenses. That took awhile to get used to b/c i''m so used to things being totally equal or at least that''s what I felt was the right way to do things, that I wouldn''t want him to feel like I was taking advantage in any way. Once I got over that he doesn''t, i''m ok w/it. Not that I have a choice since I can''t afford to pay more anyway.
So, all in all, you have to do what''s right for you and him since it''s the two of you living together, not you and your family. Whether that''s you paying or you not paying, the decision is what feels good for you two.

 

[Patchee]

Thanks Amy and Sumb-

I agree with your thoughts too! Especially the thought that I too pay less now then I would be if I was at an apartment, and yes, when I was renting I was paying much more then I am now. My family does not get it...

I pay not much for rent, the cable and buy food. He does everything else that goes along with the house so I think I have a sweet deal. I also feel my old independent self this way. I don;t ever want someone to feel I was not holding my own end.

I don''t know why my family says this. I am an adult and I feel like even though I am not on the mortgage, i should certainly pay rent and it really is my home too even so.

Thought I was nuts, now I know I am normal

 

[sumbride]

Patchee -

I was thinking about it... maybe your family doesn''t understand the level of commitment you two have? When we first started talking about moving in together, my mom said "I wouldn''t do it unless you are sure it''s going to lead to marriage." Of course, she''d been saying for two years prior, "I don''t know why you two don''t just move in together and save some money!" I reassured her that we were indeed planning to spend our lives together, which of course led to the "Why don''t you just get engaged already..." so there was no pleasing her. She doesn''t mind that we live together, and both my parents love our house, but she wanted to make sure our intentions were clear and that I wasn''t going to be "taken advantage of".

I firmly agree with you on being independent. My independence is a huge part of me, I wouldn''t want to ever give that up... of course it will be expressed in different ways over the years... I''m perfectly happy to let him take my car in for an oil change... but I do still need to be in charge of my own destiny! hmm... maybe that''s why I have such a hard time with waiting around for his "plan" to go into action?

Sum

 

[rainbowtrout]

Maybe you should ask your family to reverse the situation in their heads...

if HE moved in with YOU and wasn''t paying rent, you bet you''d hear about it in some very nasty ways. I''m actually considering living with my bf for the next two summers (he''ll probably be working in DC and I would be in grad school in NYC), and it shocked the pants off me when he said "of course you don''t have to pay rent, it doesn''t make any sense sense its our money anyway"....


Um...ok? We''ll see, I''m having enough trouble with his insistence that if he has a well paying job next year he is just buying me a damn cell to talk to him on (I won''t buy one).


I''m glad he started opening up about marriage! Sometimes men really do have that whole "its a given so why should we talk about it" attitude even when they do really want to commit.

 

[Blenheim]

I''m confused as to why they think that you shouldn''t pay rent if you''re not engaged, Patchee. I''d think it would be the other way around. When you''re still dating, it makes a lot more sense to be financially independent and both contribute to living expenses. Since many couples combine finances more after marriage, it would make more sense not to keep track of it as much at that point.

My BF and I haven''t discussed exact financial arrangments with living together next year, but I''m going to try to chip in towards rent and utilities. He should be making 2-3 times what I make though, so our contributions may not be 50-50. But I think 50-50 or a ratio roughly based on your respective incomes makes sense.

And yes, you''re completely normal.

 

[Patchee]

Ahh Sumb- having some kinda control on our lives is key... while waiting around for your "plan" and hopefully mine too, to come through we need to keep who we are real... Our men know that we can make it financially with out them and I think they like that!

Rainbow - Absolutly agree with you. My family would say " why are you letting some strap hanger" feed off of you... I guess I am their kid so they will forever see it different. But no cell phone though? I am not a freak with a fancy one, just a plain phone but I feel like I use it for situations more so then to just talk to someone.

Hey Blenheim! My father thinks that since I am his women I should come first and since he asked me to move in it should be free of rent. Check this out though, Father said, Since you two are starting to talk future, I think your name should be on the mortgage also,

then he proceeded to say, if he turns out not to be committed, you just may be "funding his dream"...

that got me start thinking once again

but I am just hoping for the best for our future. I have to admit, our marriage conversation went quite well, I was pleased but for some reason I cannot get it passed my mind that he is just not ready... but like I said I put the ball in his court and we shall continue from there.

He makes lots more then I do, although I do, do alright for myself, I can support my whole self. I pay less then the living expenses are as it is, but I think he considers it a 50/50 split due to our pays.

When we do get married I am not sure how it would work though. He has excellent credit, me - it''s good. I have no debt other then a hefty car payment but still, it is just good. If we were to join up assets, would my credit mess his up?
I have assets also, although not a house but horses/trucks/trailers that type stuff.

OK, I am on a writing rant now... what else is new though