Updates and downdates :)

[jas]

Hi gang -- I''m checking in to say howdy and because I finally have more than 2 seconds to get my fingers on the keyboard!

All seems to be going well with the planning...the dress is gorgeous (no pictures of me in it yet -- but I promise I''ll bring a camera to the final fitting on the 30th -- you can check it out from a website on the Show me your dress thread), the jewelry is purchased...have an outfit for the rehearsal dinner that is just delicious, and my MOH and other buddies are helping me write something for the show that is the RD...

FI had his bachelor party last weekend...we both survived that

-- my only problem was that some of his buddies stayed here afterwards (that''s not the problem). The issue was that they continued the party for a couple of hours while I was like 10 feet away...but no harm, no foul.

We have about 50% of the responses in, and it looks like nearly everyone is coming! It''s crazy! I love reading the little notes people write on the responses....and it''s funny when my dad reads replies over the phone to me...he''s such a guy, "Mr. and Mrs. Smith will gladly be having fish!" Uh, ok dad. You''re close.

So we''re hitting the fun part of the planning...little details and lotsa loving...and presents, of course, which have been so heartfelt it makes me cry!

I did find out from the doctor this morning that my "lady plumbing" is all fubar and the long and the short of it is that there is almost 100% certainty that I will have some major major issues within the next few years, so if we want kids, we better get on it (or get on each other...) it''s really scary right now, but FI and I are just letting it sink in. I''m scared but know that FI will be by my side no matter what.

So, not to be Debbie Downer, I''m looking for a good first dance song. We want something unusual, not too upbeat, but definitely romantic. We want to steer away from the "standards" and make people smile...

To give you a sense of our style, we''re doing our recessional to James Brown''s I feel good (on flute and keyboard) --

So we''re looking for warm fuzzies and smiles with our first dance...something people will say "Oh, now that''s different..."

Only restrictions: no "standards" (i.e. Etta James, although we love her and will be playing her at the reception, just not for the first dance) and no Country because FI has irrational fears of it.

Although I haven''t been yapping here much, I have been lurking around....I love the love here.

Best,
Jackie

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/18/2006 9:11:54 PM
Author:jas
I''m looking for a good first dance song. We want something unusual, not too upbeat, but definitely romantic. We want to steer away from the ''standards'' and make people smile...To give you a sense of our style, we''re doing our recessional to James Brown''s I feel good (on flute and keyboard) --

Glad the planning has been smoother ... keep us posted on the "lady" situation, but try not to stress right now! That''s "next" ya know ...

First dance song ideas ... great idea for a thread actually ... I *think* we''re going with "She''s No Lady (She''s My Wife)" by Lyle Lovett. Kinda snarky, kinda sweet ... it''s more "blues" than "country" ... and we''re gonna have to make some kind of announcement about ignoring the first two lines (hee) but ... here'' goes.

SHE''S NO LADY

She hates my mama
She hates my daddy too
She loves to tell me
She hates the things I do
She loves to lie beside me
Almost every night
She''s no lady she''s my wife

The preacher asked her
And she said I do
The preacher asked me
And she said yes he does too
And the preacher said
I pronounce you 99 to life
Son she''s no lady she''s your wife

And I can''t remember
How I met her
Seems like she''s always just been hanging here off my right arm
And I can''t remember
How I ever
Thought that I just couldn''t live without a woman''s charm

And even though
She loves the smell of French perfume
And even though
She walks around in high-heel shoes
All I know
Is I''m the one who pays her price
Man she''s no lady she''s my wife

And I can''t remember
How I met her
Seems like she''s always just been hanging here off my right arm
And I can''t remember
How I ever
Thought that I just couldn''t live without a woman''s charm

Yea she hates my mama
She hates my daddy too
She loves to tell me
She hates the things I do
She loves to lie beside me
Almost every night
She''s no lady she''s my wife

 

[Kismet]

First dance songs that I recall: B-52''s "Love Shack" (although it wasn''t your typical first dance, it was bride/groom and whole wedding party); Barry White''s "You''re the First, My Last, My Everything". My husband and I used Van Morrison''s "Brown Eyed Girl".

 

[budgetbride]

so that fiance feels involved i''m letting him pick first song. now if i have to resort to backup(which i plan to) i like two songs alot. Barry White...can''t get enough of your love babe(soo not sure if that''s the right title) or Phil Collins...groovy kind of love

yeah, I want that same that''s different song

 

[jcrow]

good to hear things with the wedding are going well. sorry to hear the news about you "personally" but at least you and FI are aware of it and can make some decisions while there is still time.

one song that i love is amazed by paul mccartney

have a listen here & the lyrics are here

my friend''s wedding in april had this song for their first dance. it was different yet very moving. i find it''s a song that stays with you.

 

[aljdewey]

LOVE this song, and it might fit with unusual and not *too* upbeat

Fallen by Lauren Wood (sountrack from Pretty Woman)...if you go to her home page at www.laurenwood.com, this song begins playing as a clip (so you can hear what it''s like).

I can''t believe it, you''re a dream comin'' true.
I can''t believe how I have fallen for you.
And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it''s ironic to be back in the game.
You are the one who''s led me to the sun.
How could I know that I was lost without you...
And I want to tell you, you control my rain..
And you should know that you are life in my veins.
You are the one who''s led me to the sun.
How could I know that I was lost without you...
I can''t believe it, you''re a dream comin'' true.
I can''t believe how I have fallen for you.
And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it''s erotic to be back in the game.

 

[LAJennifer]

First Dance Song: How about "Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service.

 

[flopkins]

LA Jennifer I love that song...

DH and I did our first dance to Los Lonely Boys "Nobody Else"... we wanted something we could dance salsa to, it is something we love and yeah, LLB is totally cheesy but I loved it!!!

 

[reader]

Is "I Got You, Babe" by Sonny and Cher too standard?

 

[jas]

Wow -- these are great suggestions! FI and I are having the music talk tonight cuz we''re meeing with the musicians on Thursday. It totally doesn''t help that I''m suffering from bronchitis (ok, hello, when did this happen???) I thought that was supposed to be th 2 week curse, not the 6 week one. I''m just worried that now (a) I''ve gotten FI sick and (b) at the 2 week mark I''ll get the bubonic plague.

I''ve printed up all your suggestions so we''re going to have a lovely evening listening to music.

Keep em coming, gang, and thanks.

And as far as the "personal" stuff -- well, due to my medical history and a fantastically poor immune system (thanks genetics!) the doctor told me that between my fibroids and my cervical junk that it''s a question of "when" not "if" I get cancer and/or require a bunch of invasive procedures. PU.

Way too much information, but hey, I kinda knew it was coming.

So, silly off-beat songs it is! BTW, when I orginally said "not upbeat" I meant tempo, not mood. Sheesh, do I really want a depressing song? LOL

 

[Tybee]

LAJennifer,
I LOVE Such Great Heights by the Postal Service, and considered it for our song! I still get weepy when I think about it.

We opted for a song that makes us both smile. Husband often plays it for me when I''m mad at him, because it always gets a smile out of me. Our first dance song was: For Once in My Life as sung by Stevie Wonder.

Some great friends danced to Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel.

I think we''re all much older than you, though, so our tastes might be very different.

 

[jas]

Update: after 3 hours (no kidding!) of deliberation, we decided on Nora Jones''s "Come Away With Me" -- which is a lot more schmoopie than I''d thought we''d do, but isn''t everyone just kinda surprising themselves with the whole wedding plan process?

I mean, for all of our rebelliousness and silliness, we''re doing a lot of really traditional things!

But, YEA! my yucky cough is leaving and my veil and jewelry arrived (special ordered by my dress shop!)

I am off to find my camera!

(No pictures of ME in them until I am healed, showered, and look like something other than a reincarnated rag!)

 

[jas]

Hi gang...24 more days...and then life gets back to normal (*crosses fingers, toes, eyes*)

Last week was the biggest ol'' party (of the multiple FI family parties.) I have been fighting whooping cough for the last 2 weeks, and the 2 days before the party had a rather...um...violent reaction to the antibiotics (the porcelain god has been prayed to!) The host of the party, FI''s aunt...let''s call her Aunty Contrary...kept calling us that week.

She wanted our input on seating -- which is fine, I suppose; however, everytime we''d make a suggestion, she''d disagree (even though she''d not met the people she was asking about)...and if we agreed with whatever seating arrangments she''d made, she would argue with that as well. (She''s one of those gifted people who can argue with people who agree with her.)

Then she started yelling at me for being sick...not worried about me...there was no, "Jackie, take care of yourself, don''t worry about anything, feel better." What she said (over several calls) was, "Well, is Jackie going to make it to the party? You need to let me know if the party is going to go on. It''s going to be a problem if she can''t make it to the party."

Then one of the guests, a co-worker of mine, sent Aunty Contrary a lovely note saying she appreciated the invite but was unable to make the party because she had to babysit her granddaughter (5 months old) that night. ... I saw the note, it was actually so sweet. And way above and beyond requirements. Aunty showed me and Fi the note and said, "I am VERY upset about this, and terribly disappointed that she won''t bother to attend."

What''s so funny is that she prides herself on being the etiquette police, but she is awfully rude.

I finally told FI not to put her on speakerphone.

FI ran interference, but he is so used to her treating everyone like a mildly challenged third grader, that a lot of this stuff rolls off his back.

So Saturday, on a new antibiotic, I dragged myself to the party. it was a nice gathering, way overdone, but some family/friends were happy to have the opportunity to meet before the wedding.

However, last minute, my cousin was told by her boss she couldn''t leave work. I am totally sympathetic to this, and asked her to phone Aunty Contrary to send her apologies. She did. Aunty Contrary was perfectly lovely to my cousin, but walked over to me as we sat down to eat and reproached me for my cousin''s bad manners (for not showing up) and gave me one of those raised eyebrow thingies. I apologized profusely...my cousin works for Harpo studios...things run late sometimes...but sheesh, I was thinking, "Don''t yell at me!"

Ultimately it was fine...FI made a nice speech to the crowd of 40 people (again, it was like a mini-wedding reception), we thanked Aunty Contrary... and I just focused on trying to get to talk to all the guests. People seemed to enjoy it, which is great.

Last night, FMIL tried to do a run-around...she asked FI for the guest list so that she could start the seating chart for the wedding (which I have not asked her to do)...I tried to be tactful and suggested to FI that he and I do a preliminary seating chart and then show it to BOTH our mamas for approval, and if we have questions, we''ll ask the mamas while drafting. (His mom likes to send me not-very-subtle messages that she thinks I have no ability to throw a wedding, although she is perfectly sweet to me, ya know?) FMIL put up a hell of a fight, but FI stood his ground.

He''s trying.

On the upside, the coughing is easing up...and I''m tolerating the antibiotics fairly well (not perfectly) -- and I''m on the whooping cough weight loss plan, although I don''t recommend that to anyone.

Finished the programs, too...we kept them fairly light-hearted...I can''t wait to get them back from the printers!

Love to you all on this Thursday!
Jackie

 

[jas]

Hello all! Is is a full moon?

My dad gave me two wonderful pices of advice we FI and I got engaged: (1) Weddings bring out the best and the worst in people and (2) Everyone will filter the wedding of someone close to them through them -- sort of a play on "it''s all about me" syndrome.

It''s been that kinda couple of days...

I''m allowing myself one hour for a pity party and then I''m moving on...but I wanted to invite everyone to the party.

On the day after the Aunty Contrary party, my MOH (who is by her own admission a very needy person, and terribly insecure) came up to me and proceeded to bash my future in-laws. Now, granted, the in-laws have done some things that have made planning a bit difficult, but this has been kept between FI and I (with my mom being the one I get emotional with) -- overall, my FIL are good hearted people who are occasionally thoughtless. They have never, ever, uttered a nasty word to me, or as far as I know, about me.

MOH walked up to me and, I swear this is nearly a quote, said, "Your FMIL is a drunk. Your FFIL is a non-entity, and Aunty Contrary is nuts."

Ok, she''s entitled to her opinion, although I have not shared a lot of FIL''s hijinks...it seemed a little, well, over the top. But ok.

THEN she said, "Are you sure you want to marry into that family?"

I was really taken aback by this. I said, "FI and I have talked about how we will deal with in-laws, and he doesn''t really see his family that often...the wedding has given us a lot of face time. BESIDES, they''re not so bad."

Then she said, "I''m not saying you shouldn''t marry him, but I just want to go on record..."

I asked what her issue was with FI. Keep in mind, this is at WORK (MOH and I are teachers)...she said, "I have no issue with FI. His family is awful."

Really harsh. Now, I''ve vented here about them, but honestly, my concern is more the thoughtlessness and the polite-police state they sometimes impose...but generally, FI and I are dealing with both of our families in a way that makes 90% of interactions pleasant and, dare I say, fun at times?

MOH has told me a few times this month that she is worried I''m going to quit my job after I get married and "leave her."
I told her even if I move to the moon, I would never leave her...we''ll always be friends. I know she is having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I am not going to be single anymore...we were both kinda single gals here (she''s in her 50s, though, and 2x divorced...I''m 33)...

I''m trying to be sensitive to that.

She''s also really upset about the "bachelorette party..." -- I had originally said I didn''t really want one, but thanks (too pressed for time in a 4 month engagement period, plus I really didn''t want one. She insisted. I said, "Ok, why don''t we get [four other friends] and we all go out to dinner or tea sometime."

She told me 3 weeks ago that my bachelorette party was officially going to be *drumroll* SHE AND I going to dinner. I was like, umm, ok...because I know she needs me to show her repeatedly (and I mean almost every other day) that she is still my friend. I have stayed up nights talking on the phone w/ her when I''ve needed to do work because I don''t want her to feel that my life changes are changing the friendship. I''m trying.

I got whooping cough last week. It''s bad. I''m on antibiotics, which made me vomit a few times. Now I''m on a different antibiotic, but I''m really wrung out. It''s taking all I have to get through the school day (I''m not contagious at this point, don''t worry) and I get home at 4:30 and collapse.

I asked her on Tuesday if we could *postpone* the bachelorette party because I am sick. I gave 5 other days (including some times after the wedding, which I thought would be fun, too).

She said, "I TOLD you that you would get sick and to take care of yourself."
Then she said, "And I KNEW you''d back out of the party." She kinda backtracked when I looked stunned and she said, "But I guess it''s with good reason."

Then she told me she was "too busy" to do any of the other days I suggested. The one day she counteroffered was the one day I told her I could not do -- FI''s birthday next week. It was like, "Ok, JAS, choose between yer man and me."

I told her I couldn''t do it and again suggested the other 5 days, and added a few more, then added, "Or you suggest other days."
"I''m busy."

She is now incredibly terse and snippy with me...she literally gives an uber-polite "hello" and walks away from me at work. This morning, the staff threw me a mini-shower, and she left in the middle of it without saying a word to me or anyone else. I felt humiliated and hurt.

I know I have to sit down and talk this out, but for this one hour I want to feel crappy about this, wallow, and avoid the drama.

Wish me luck, we have a meeting together this morning (about work.)

Thanks for comin'' to the party...at some point I''ll share what my sister''s manic-depression is causing her to do this week.

 

[jas]

Ok, I''m leaving the pity party a little late (but I''m promising I''m leaving)...

Just had a meeting with MOH and other teachers. Work related. Someone asked if the wedding was coming up, or if I''d had it already. MOH jumped in and said, "Not yet, but trust me, we''ll all be glad when it''s over."

I didn''t say anything but I''m ready to cry now. That really hurt me.

Yes I know I need to talk with her, but I need to get through the school day first.

My older sister suffers from manic depression and rage issues...diagnosed...she has issues with "family stuff" as she calls it, but has no problems if she deals with individual family members one at a time.

My parents, who live about 30 minutes from me, have gone to visit her (1000 miles away) about once every 3 weeks since I''ve gotten engaged, to help make her feel that she''s not being ignored.

My sister has not visited my parents'' house in 5 years, nor would she come out to Chicago (my folks moved here about 9 months ago) becaue she doesn''t want to have to deal with "big family functions" (meaning cousins, uncles, me, etc. It''s the illness talking).

She called my mom last week and invited her out for this weekend . My dad told my mom to postpone until the week after the wedding...things are down to the wire and mom and I had planned on doing all the last minute fun stuff together, including the final fitting, putting together OOT bags...this was planned for weeks...it was, as my mom called it, "our girl time" together. (And please don''t point and call me Bridezilla...this was my mom''s idea)...my dad offered to pay for my sister to fly out here for this weekend and help out with stuff if she wanted, or not, if she didn''t (she could spend time with my dad while mom and I were out, and then spend time with mom)...

My sister threw a fit and said my parents were obviously choosing favorites...and now my mom, who has born the brunt of this illness for 20 years, flew out this morning to be with my sister.

I hate this disease. And yeah, I''m feeling a little p***ed off.

I''m sorry ladies. I wish I had fun stuff to share.

 

[galeteia]

Yeesh. Your MOH sounds like she''s 50 going on 15.

It''s still not too late to elope!

 

[ellaila]

Oh jeez, Jackie! I''m so sorry you''re dealing with all this nastiness just a few weeks before the wedding! Honestly, if I were you, I''d think of telling the MOH right now that if she can''t be happy for you and be supportive, then you''d rather not have her in the wedding. She''s being horrible and immature, and she doesn''t deserve to be a part of the BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE (which, trust me, it will be!!!). I''m sure she''s got her good points too, but good lord, she''s just being nasty.

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don''t other than hang in there and try not to worry yourself with things that are beyond your control (like your sister''s situation). Sometimes you just have to say "que sera sera" -- whatever will be will be. And remember, in just three and a half weeks, all the wedding stress will be over! And despite all the drama leading up to the wedding, I know you will be a radiant and happy bride and will have the gorgeous wedding you deserve!

HUGS to you, sweetie!

PS - YES, it IS a full moon!!!
PPS - Take care of that cough! As someone who gets bronchitis pretty regularly, I feel your pain

 

[JessaJS]

You poor girl!!! I feel for you, it must be really hard to deal with all this junk - especially when you''re sick and just trying to get through the day!

As for MOH - I think you''ve been a very nice friend - maybe even too accomodating. As much as you want to assure her that nothing will change with your friendship once you''re married, things can and often do change.
She''s twice married, she should know and accept that.
It''s admirable that you''re doing all you can to assure her that your committment to the friendship isn''t wavering, however, with her childish behavior, you may want to reevaluate if she''s someone worth all the time and effort...After the wedding, that is. hehe

As for sis? Sheesh, mental illnesses are hard to deal with. I can see how your mom would be really conflicted on what to do, it sounds like she''s just trying to smooth things over and do what she thinks is best at this time. I would continue on with the DIY projects (ask lonely MOH for help? lol) and try not to feel bad about the situation with your sis - as hard as that is.

You''re in the home stretch, hon, hopefully the fact that all of the drama should be ending soon will help.

(((HUGS!!!)))

 

[jas]

Thanks for the words of support...I really, really need them today...

Galateia: Eloping sounds like heaven right now, although I am SO looking forward to the band and the food that I''d hate to miss them.

How''s life with you right now?

ellaila and JessaJS: Yeah, it''s funny, I''ve been re-evaluating this friendship for a few weeks, everytime she treats me like I''m just this huge disappointment to her and like she''s being SOOOOO patient. As far as my sister/mom situation...absolutely true, my mom is trying to be a good mom, and I''ll do the DIY projects this weekend and not think twice about it...I just wish I weren''t going to my fitting alone...there''s something that makes me sad about that...and no, I won''t ask my MOH to go...she''ll probably tell me I look "ok." and then ask again if I really want to marry this guy.

I just know that the day after the wedding (literally) she will call me/pull me aside and say, "I wanted to wait until after the wedding..." and dump on me about what a "bad friend" I''ve been.

It''s funny, FI didn''t like her from the first time he met her, because she said, "FI, if you don''t treat her right, she will leave you." I need to trust his judgement on that.

I''m not brave enough to ask her to step down, as much as I''d like to at this point because she is making me cry on an almost daily basis. I can''t handle the drama right now. Is it sad that I''m praying for her to win the lottery or to win a walk-on role on TV for that particular weekend? I''m ashamed to write that.

She is an expert guilt-inducer, and that is something that usually works on me. It''s hard because I know that she is snubbing me intentionally so I go running after her and asking what''s wrong. If I don''t, I''m a spoiled little gal, I guess.

Women can be tough...I have mostly male friends and for some stupid reason it just didn''t occur to me to ask one of them to be my Man of Honor. (they''re participating in other ways)...

Thanks for giving me a place to say this...it''s very hard.

Fortunately, FI is wonderful, and my male friends are awesome and my family is great, and about 99% of the people who are coming to the wedding are thrilled to death for us, so I should focus on that.

 

[JessaJS]

Date: 10/6/2006 1:13:31 PM
Author: jas


It''s funny, FI didn''t like her from the first time he met her, because she said, ''FI, if you don''t treat her right, she will leave you.'' I need to trust his judgement on that.

I''m not brave enough to ask her to step down, as much as I''d like to at this point because she is making me cry on an almost daily basis. I can''t handle the drama right now. Is it sad that I''m praying for her to win the lottery or to win a walk-on role on TV for that particular weekend? I''m ashamed to write that.

She is an expert guilt-inducer, and that is something that usually works on me. It''s hard because I know that she is snubbing me intentionally so I go running after her and asking what''s wrong. If I don''t, I''m a spoiled little gal, I guess.

L O L - jas you are too funny. Walk on role, hilarious.

Try not to let her guilt trips and mind games get to you - you have enough to worry about without her selfish actions. It''s interesting that your FI''s first impression of this "friend" were so accuarate. Sometimes an outside perspective on a person is the more accurate one.

As hard as it is to opt-out of MOH''s ridiculous mind games, I would definitely suggest it.

At most, I''d take 5 minutes to sit her down and say "Hey - Listen- obviously something is bugging you in regards to the wedding planning or our friendship right now. As a friend, though, I''m asking for you to table it until the wedding is over and then we can have a good heart to heart and figure everythign out."
If she''s anything of a friend at all, she''ll realize what a downer and stressor she''s being and chill out. If not, good riddance!!!

Keep up the venting, it helps to get it all out!!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hey Jackie!
I''ve been MIA lately (work and my full-time master''s course load started back up....yay) but I wanted to say I just read through your posts and yikes! First it was in-law drama, now MOH drama, on top of endless health problems. I''m sorry! I hope you''re feeling better now, and I will definitely be praying for you re: the women plumbing. I''m glad your soon to be hubby will be your rock.
I agree with Galateia...your MOH is acting a bit immature right now. It''s amazing how grown women (men too) can be so childish sometimes. I am totally the non-confrontational type, but I think it might help to sit down with her and let her know how she''s making you feel. Maybe it''s intentional due to her own insecurities, maybe it''s not. However, you don''t deserve this 3 weeks before your wedding. Especially when you work together and it''s obviously affecting you. Good luck and keep us posted! I host self-pity parties all the time.
Also, AMEN to the man of honor. I''m 99% sure my best friend will be my man of honor (in what...2 years or so?) I don''t like girls sometimes.
~Megan

 

[jas]

Congrats on the Masters work! As awful as it can get, it was one of the happiest times in my life. I wish you the same joy!

Thanks again for the well wishes.

After having a good ol' sob on Friday night, I got an odd email from MOH...she had been trying to call my cell phone as I was driving home (can't talk on it in the city while driving)...her big issue -- WHAT on earth are we going to wear to work on Halloween. I was like, WTF?

I answered her email saying, "I trust your judgement, this is a little off my radar right now. If you want to dress up like we did last year [4 of us went as KISS...the band, not the Hershey product) great. Let me know and I'll do what I can to participate...I just can't be part of the planning right now. Thanks so much for taking care of this! I'll talk with you Tuesday when I am fully recovered...FI and I are in recoup mode this weekend. XO, me."

I was kind of aggravated b/c she had treated me so awfully during the day and her email/phone calls acted like nothing was up.

THEN I got a response from her: "OK. I've been feeling insecure about the friendship and if you don't want me to be your maid of honor, let me know."

Totally out of context. I would feel bad about what she said, except she's done this to me a few times during our friendship and 2 times during the engagement. Each time I've said, "Have I done something to make you feel this way? {Answer: No) and each time I've told her that of course she's my friend and of course I want her to be MOH.

Right now, it's a little much for me, but I now see the pattern that every 2 months or so, she gets into these low periods where she needs a lot of reassurance from a lot of her friends; and being the total B***H I am right now, I don't want to play this game.

Sigh. It's the guilt trip that I don't appreciate each time she does this.

Fortunately, FI is totally supportive and is encouraging me to spend more time w/ my guy friends and with some of his female friends so that I don't feel the world is TOTALLY messed up. It helps a lot.

The final fitting was lovely...I wish my mom had been there...I felt like a bride for the first time, because they had to take this dress down almost 3 sizes...(honestly, the seamstress is a genius) and for the first time I felt like I was wearing the dress and not the other way around. No pictures because I couldn't take them of myself in such a small space...but there will be lots of pics on the wedding day.

I'm feeling better, but I totally relate to Robbie's thread about feeling frustrated and short tempered. I just want a vacation! And the honeymoon is 2 months after the wedding!

But, ultimately, life goes on.

I am co-chairing an event for the Greater Chicago Food Depository...FI is also on the committee...did a lot of solicitations for the fund-raising auction that is taking place on November 15 (2 weeks post-wedding) -- as exhausting as it is, it's great to know that if we're successful, we will raise enough money for one MILLION meals. That's incredible to me. And it puts everything into perspective. FI and I are donating all wedding leftovers (except cake) to this wonderful organization. I truly feel blessed to have what I have, and I will keep looking to bring women into my life who are supportive, not destructive.

Thanks again...I'm sure something ridiculous will happen soon and I'll share it all here!

Jackie

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Jackie:

I'm been catching up on your adventures. My, you've been a busy bee!

I feel for you having to deal with a needy MOH. I'm just glad that she's not sucking the life out of you. I know what you mean about not wanting to play that game!

I have to tell you that I truly admire your courage thru all this drama. And I can't believe that you're also co-chairing a fundraising event just weeks after your wedding. I'm sure it's helping you put things in perspective! You're a kind and giving person, and you will be rewarded with an amazing wedding day and blissful marrriage.

The last sentence in your latest post sums it up. You go, girl!

CG

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Well, I''m sure it''ll be the happiest time in my life on graduation day (thus far of course.)

I don''t think you''re being a witch for not wanting to play the guilt trip games. Being a witch would be calling her out and telling her to her face "I see the pattern, save your bimonthly episodes for someone who has the energy to deal with them" which I don''t see you doing here.

I don''t have anything else to add...ditto to what CG said.

Congratulations on the fundraiser for the Greater Chicago Food Depository. It''s a great organization and you and FI should be so proud of organizing an event to help so many less fortunate people. Classy people you are. *HUGS*

 

[jas]

Thanks Irish...although I may have just graduated into the Bitch category.

.I just got back from a Food Depository meeting...it was truly inspiring...

My mom has caught the whooping cough...it''s much more dangerous for her bc she has ulcerative colitis. She has no resistence to fight any illness. Fortunately, FI took my mom to the doctor today to put her on meds (which may in turn make the ulcerative colitis flare up...) My dad is in China on business, so he''s worried out of his mind. FI and I are doing our best to take care of mom.

My sister told me that my mom got sick because planning the wedding was "too much" and "wore her out." A not-well-veiled guilt trip. As I''ve mentioned, I really am trying to do 90% of this myself...Mom is a stubborn lady and doesn''t take orders to rest, ya know?

Then I came home to an email from MOH...brief, lowercase (she''s an English teacher, so this is supposed to show me how upset she is.) are you sure you want me in your wedding

Ok, seriously, I am fighting back tears of rage and sadness. She and I just went through this 3 days ago, and I told her I am sick, and I need her friendship and understanding that if I''m not around much, it''s not a reflection on the friend.

So I wrote an email back to this one...this desperate, small-voiced email (it''s hard for me to be on the phone because my cough isn''t all gone) -- I asked her again not to interpret my business as anything about the friendship. I listed what I am trying to cope with these days (4 preps at work...3 are new, my being sick, FI sick, mom sick, dad in China, being on this volunteer committee, oh, and putting together a wedding.) I asked for her understanding that I am working through it, I can do it, but it''s taking all my energy right now, and again, please don''t misinterpret (all the while I''m thinking, I really need to extracate myself from this friendship...friendship shouldn''t make me feel bad...)

Then I pulled the bitch card...

I said that I heard her comment at the meeting last week about everyone being happy when the wedding will be over, and that while I don''t agree with it, I can appreciate the sentiment...that it''s just the busiest time in my life and I appreciate her understanding that and not interpreting it as anything.

My guess is she will tell me to either "lean on her" (yeah, right...and hear how much she hates my future in-laws? Or how I''m doing everything wrong?) or to go to a therapist.

Now, I have nothing against therapy. I''ve seen a counselor before when I was in grad school and overwhelmed. That is what gives me the coping skills I''m drawing on daily to get through this stuff. She always tells people that as a sort of injurious statement rather than a constructive one. She has a way of saying it whenever life gets hard that makes people go, "What?"

It''s hard to explain...here''s the analogy...she''s also the first one to tell people to take an antibiotic if they have the flu. Does that make sense?

She is killing me...and I feel like Bridezilla if I say that maybe, right now, I need a little support. She expects me to talk with her everyday for 2 hours...that''s been impossible due to the work schedule I was given. I told her this early on in the school eyar, that it''s going to take me until about November/December to get a rhythm back to where I can be more myself and socialize more, and please understand that it has nothing to do with the friendship. Back then, she understood. Not now.

Thank God for my FI. He''s my rock. His family has been so helpful this week too.

I thought the drama had ended when this exact issue came up 3 days ago.

Right now, I feel like she wants to pull me into a 5 hour conversation (as she has in the past when she feels really insecure but also needs to give me advice)...and I don''t have time for that.

Maybe I''m being a coward, but I loved the advice above where I suggest she table this for two weeks...maybe she''ll feel differently...maybe I''ll just be able to "show" her I am still her friend...(although I am pretty exhausted from this relationship...it''s a little tricky because we work together... I tried to write that in the email (in a slightly softer tone)...we''ll see.

Sorry...I told you that more stupid crap would happen...here it is, and I can''t even write coherently about it anymore.

 

[Minny]

I don''t post much but I just wanted to tell you that I have been in some pretty toxic friendships and your posts are "bringing me back" so to speak. You should not need to constantly reassure a 50-something-year-old woman that you are still her friend. She should not be asking you if you "still want her in your wedding" unless something AWFUL happened. Are you getting anything out of this friendship at this point? I don''t know what you should do about her being your MOH..........but I would try hard to distance myself from this woman at some point soon, if I were you. I can tell you that once I moved away from a particularly negative friend, I literally felt like I could breathe more easily. Try to put her silliness out of your mind, the best that you can, and focus on your FI and your family. You don''t need the extra stress of her issues!!

 

[lulutheleo]

Hey jas--

It sounds like to me she is looking for a way to get out of being your maid on honor. Honestly -- who emails the bride two weeks before the wedding with a question like that??? Maybe it would be healthier for you the both of you if you just relieved her of her MOH duties. My MOH has been calling and emailing me, but it''s to ask me how I am doing, trying to help out in whatever way she can...she''s been a lifeline to me. I can''t imagine dealing with someone like that. Imagine what''s going to happen the day of -- is she going to pull this crap the day of your wedding?

Just my two cents. Although you may have a history and don''t want to disrupt a friendship (which, I agree with Minny, sounds pretty toxic) it may be easier to just to wash your hands of the situation and spend all your energy focusing on getting healthy again and your big day.

I am sending good thoughts your way! Hope everything works out.

 

[jas]

Lulu, Mini -- it''s like you are in my head (scary thought)

Yes, it is a toxic friendship...I guess on some level I''ve always known that, but I didn''t want to fully admit it.

Lulu, I was wondering if this was her way of backing out as well...I wondered if I needed to give her an exit strategy...

It turns out that she responded to MY response, telling me that (like she has said the last 6 times she''s done this) that she "misses me" and is feeling "insecure" because I don''t spend as much time with her as I did before (even though, as she wrote, she "understands" my job, the wedding planning, and my volunteer work are stepped up this month.). She said that she "takes her job [as MOH]seriously and is "mad" at me because I haven''t given her enough to do.

I truly believe that I attracted her into my life to try to because I needed a sister figure (due to my own sister''s mental illness). Turns out that, in a universal truth, I attracted someone very much like my sister.

I tried to think of things to ask her to do, and knew that anything, no matter how small, would (like they have in the past) result in a million calls. I can''t handle the calls. I told her that all I want her to do is come to the wedding and stand next to me on the most important day of my life. That was, apparently, a good answer (for now. We keep having this conversation over and over, so I am bracing myself for the rerun of this in two or three days.)

I sound like such a Bridezilla...I told FI last night I made such a mistake with this...that I wish my brain had been functioning and I''d asked my brother. But this is how we learn. I will need to step back from this relationship at some point, or at least sort of redefine it.

My mom has pneumonia, so she is down for the count until the wedding. I''m just glad we caught it...I can do the rest of all this alone with FI...proudly and gladly...I just wish MOH were someone I could lean on right now. Fortunately, my brother has really stepped up, and FI, as I may or may not have mentioned a million times, is my rock.

Hugs to you all...I can''t wait to be married!

 

[jcrow]

jas- i''ve been sorta following your updates and unfortunate downdates. i have a similar problem with my bridesmaid. i actually thought she''d freak that i didn''t ask her to be my MOH. maybe she did but she didn''t tell me anything. but, EVERYTHING to do with the wedding has been an issue with her. I''ve been so upset through this whole proccess because of her. i wish i would have never asked her to be in our wedding. yes, she''d have been hurt, but i think it would have been better than what''s happening now. FI''s so upset with her- and he''s such cool collected type guy. He hasn''t made it known to her that he''s upset, of course.

i''ve bent over backwards to accomodate her in every way possible. after the wedding, i think my ties with her will be no longer. we had already started drifting apart the last few years, and honestly i think the same will happen after our wedding naturally.

 

[lulutheleo]

Sounds like you are getting hit from every direction, but your FI sounds like a stand up guy.

Quite honestly though -- she is NOT taking her MOH job seriously. If she was, you wouldn''t be constantly dealing with her insecurity and she most certainly wouldn''t be ''mad'' if you didn''t give her enough ''stuff to do''.

I think you should seriously consider giving her a way out of this situation. Additionally, I wouldn''t have any more long, drawn out, exhausting conversations with this woman...sounds like she thrives on the drama.

I don''t think you are being a Bridezilla at all -- but part of me wants to encourage you to bring that out and just kick her butt out of your wedding party. Tell her she can come serve punch or something, that will give her something to "do". Especially if you really don''t see this friendship continuing after your wedding..... why deal with it on you and your FI''s special day? Think about it...isn''t she going to be by your side the whole day? Do you really want that? Or are you going to avoid her so she doesn''t try to bring you down? You still have time to ask your brother.....