Updates and downdates :)

[codex57]

Jas, I fail to see why you don't dump her? She's begging for it. Is this some sort of twist to the battered woman's syndrome? Your excuse is the stress fo the wedding and all the other stuff going on in your life. You just don't have time to hand hold her. She's supposed to be hand holding YOU!

 

[jas]

Date: 10/13/2006 2:49:05 PM
Author: codex57
Jas, I fail to see why you don''t dump her? She''s begging for it. Is this some sort of twist to the battered woman''s syndrome? Your excuse is the stress fo the wedding and all the other stuff going on in your life. You just don''t have time to hand hold her. She''s supposed to be hand holding YOU!

Codex, I hear you. She is asking for drama, and she is asking for "stroking."

I don''t do it now because I am dealing with too much for that drama; plus we work together and it would make things tricky here right now.

As for the "twist on the battered women''s syndrome" comment...I believe you were asking that about me; I''m not a glutton for punishment if that''s what you are asking. I am trying to cope with a lot right now; I believe that keeping her "on board" is the lesser of two evils. I am not trying to be a victim here. IRL I have to be a little more diplomatic and tactful and nuanced than I do here. There''s a whole sticky wicket here and I need to step carefully. Also, she''s bound to be very hurt by all this, and, as I hope I''ve made clear, that''s a level of drama I can''t handle right now.

But I appreciate that you are very direct and are presenting a solution. You''re a man''s man (and I mean that in a positive way)

Thanks,
Jackie

 

[codex57]

Ahhh, she works with you. That could cause problems. Sorry if it was harsh. I''m not too good at being subtle on things like this. I appreciate that you recognize that, for better or worse, it''s a male tendency.

If you think keeping her on would cause less troubles than kicking her off, I leave that to your judgment. In that case, is there any way to create a buffer? Any BM or friend know the situation and can step up as the unofficial MOH or help mollify the crazy girl? You need more support. Us PSers can only do so much. We can listen, maybe give some advice or opinions, but we can''t take up the slack of some items or talk with crazy and try and head her off before she starts in on you.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

WOW I don''t check this thing for 48 hours and as you predicted there''s more drama...there''s not much more to say other than another ''I feel for you and stay strong'' although one can imagine how burnt out you are right now. From your descriptions of your MOH''s personality, it doesn''t sound like she''s trying to weasel her way out of your wedding. It sounds to me like she''s having a horribly hard time dealing with the fact that she''s not the center of your universe right now, which apparently she needs. I don''t blame you for thinking that removing her from the wedding would cause more drama than having her there. It''s just unfortunate you have this to deal with while your mom is sick with pneumonia and dad is away, with the wedding around the corner. Good for you for mentioning that comment in your email...I would have been livid. And...you are not now, nor have you ever been (as far as I know via PS) a Bridezilla.
That''s all I got for now...I''m sorry!

 

[decodelighted]

I don''t have much to add but *HUGS*!!!!!!!!!!!! I hear ya on the A) friend actually just like sister B) too much drama to ditch her C) ill sibling acting out D) guilty parent compensating but actually punishing YOU.

Man - here''s to picking a winner of a fiance though! I guess I''d just try to focus on THAT piece o'' sunshine ... when all the other drama starts to suck you down. And remember to reach out to the friends/family etc that are actually strong & centered enough to "be there" for you.

I noticed with my wedding last weekend ... big-time help came from completely unexpected places ... almost miraculously. I wish that for you too!

 

[jas]

You guys are too sweet.

Codex you know I adore the advice you give. You're like a brother to so many of us here! No harm, no foul. I wish I could get some PSers here to do some full-body "interventions"

Thanks Irish for the hugs. I have been on the livid train lately. PMS can sometime mean "Pre-Menstrual SANITY" -- I feel my anger very much right now.

Deco, girl -- I LOVE your wedding shots, and I hear ya about unexpected help from unexpected places. I'm looking for someone to swoop in and smack some people around.

Of course it's been three days and there's been drama already...and it's barely 8AM!

I was up at 5:30 emailing the BMs agendas, answering their questions, trying to do the right thing. Why email? Because it was 5:30AM and phone calls are not appreciated at that time. Why 5:30 AM? Because it's the only time of day I have quiet think time.

So I was having the back-and-forth of some rather jolly and lighthearted emails with MOH, all very happy and silly and what not. We were going on and on about meetings at school, goofy students, our usual fun stuff. Literally from her, "Jackie, please send an agenda for that day. What time do you want me there? It's going to be fun!"

Then, not 1 minute later...I get this (and I quote because I'm feeling really huffy right now), "You know that I haven't yet altered my dress. If you would like [your sister] to stand up for you, you still have time. I'll alter my dress at the end of the week. Please let me know. Usually I give up on relationships when I pick up on so much evidence that I'm not wanted."

I started to cry because honestly, this seemed bat-s**t crazy considering the 7 emails in the 10 minutes before this. And I don't need this right now. Again. And that last line is what she CONSTANTLY has been saying during the engagement and what I have repeatedly calmed (so I thought)...

I wrote back, (and I also quote because, well, in for a penny... " I am sorry you are reading the frenzy of the final push, my job stress, and my health issues in a negative way. It's not. From day one I was honored you would be my maid of honor and still feel that way. I can't imagine the dress needs much altering, but please feel free to get that done. Please stop being silly. Love, me

It took everything I had not to call her a drama queen. Or a Queen B.

Her response...I swear..was "O.K. " (The two smilies are hers.)

I am copywriting all of this because I AM going to write a book. Or a movie. Or my own line of Greeting Cards for the frenzied bride and her nutso bridal party.

Methinks it's margarita time! Ok, not now, but after work.

Hugs to you all...believe it or not, I'm still psyched about getting married!

 

[codex57]

Whoah. Your intestinal fortitude and loyalty is quite impressive, Jas (and I''m not being sarcastic). Crazy people need love too. I wouldn''t be able to put up with it and would prolly have phased them out of my life.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

So....you''re obviously drained and this woman is way more needy than you can deal with. I agree with Codex that you are so strong to be this patient with her days before your wedding. Things would be so much easier if you didn''t work with her, but maybe after the wedding you can let this one-sided relationship fizzle. It''s not healthy, which is ironic in a way since you''ve been battling sickness for a while now. 7 emails in 10 minutes and she''s still insecure? I think it''s really clear that she''s got some issues going on, and you can''t be expected to fill the void. Clearly it''s not working (not that you''re doing anything wrong.) I hope she figures things out for herself and the home stretch is as least stressful for you as possible.

~Megan

P.S. I''d love to read your book.

 

[heatherdurant]

I never post...just read, but I have to say that the BEST song is "Let my Love Open the Door, E. Cola Mix" by pete townshend and E. Cola. NOT THE ORIGINAL version but the much slower version from the Jersey girl Soundtrack with a three part harmony and a piano. MY FI are dancing to it live. The piano is amazing and moving and magical. Limewire has it, or try napster to hear a sneak peak...
Best of luck

LET MY LOVE OPEN THE DOOR
(e.cola mix)
When people keep repeating
That you''ll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can''t seem to get enough
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

Let my love open the door

When everything feels all over
Everybody seems unkind
I''ll give you a four leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
Let my love open the door, To your heart
Let my love open the door, To your heart
Let my love open the door, To your heart
To your heart
To your heart
To your heart
To your heart
I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you''ll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say
Let my love
Let my love
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door, To your heart
Let my love open the door, To your heart
Let my love open the door, To your heart
When tragedy befalls you
Don''t let it drag you down
Love can cure your problems
You''re so lucky I''m around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart
To your heart
To your heart
(every 2 measures for 8 more times)
When people keep repeating
That you''ll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can''t seem to get enough
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

 

[diamondfan]

JAS, not to be gross, but mucinex dm is really good, brings up goop so you can get it out and feel better. It really helps me when I get a chest thing going! Have fun and be sure to post all the details!