ups and downs

[akw94]

I''m not sure if this is typical LIW behavior, but lately, I''ve been pretty emotional. Some days I feel fine and perfectly ok w/not being engaged, enjoying each day as it is. Other days I wonder, why not yet? When will it happen? Does he really feel the way I do?
To top it off, I''ve been trying to sell my place in order for us to live together. We even had a contract on a new place but lost it b/c mine hasn''t sold yet. That was a big disappointment and really made me so much more emotional. I feel like that is such a big step for us, it''s not just me moving to a new place. I want us to live together! Then of course, when I am upset about that, I get upset about everything and over-analyze every little thing, and it''s all so over-whelming.
We always have a good time together, and I feel like things are great between us, so some days, I wonder what he''s waiting for. We have talked and marriage is part of our plan, w/in the next 2 yrs but no definite timeframe of the proposal. I have said that I want time to plan and time in between the various stages of our life so my feeling is that it won''t be for another 4-6 months, but he has implied that I won''t know when it will be and I shouldn''t have any expectations in case it''s sooner than I expect.
Does anyone else ever feel like one minute they are fine and the next, not handling things nearly so well?

 

[sumbride]

Date: 7/24/2006 5:08:06 PM
Author:dixie94
Does anyone else ever feel like one minute they are fine and the next, not handling things nearly so well?

You just described me in a nutshell. I''m an emotional trainwreck these days. There are nights when I want him to leave the house so I can have some time alone, nights when I complain that he''s in the basement watching tv instead of hanging out with me, nights when everything is perfect, but many more nights where everything is perfect EXCEPT that I''m his GF and not his FI.... I don''t know what to do with myself. I''m usually much more together emotionally, but this whole thing has just made a mess out of me and he''s noticed it too, which I think makes it worse because he wants me to feel better but he doesn''t want it to change his "plan". And then I don''t want him to know why I''m upset because he''ll tell me I''m being impatient or that I just have to trust him, but it''s weird for me to keep things from him... he''s my best friend, I tell him (almost) everything, and to have to put a lid on my emotions just to maintain his "plan"... it''s so hard on me! which is why he''d better hurry it up, right??? We LIW have to stick together.

 

[Mandarine]

You just described me too

I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me, I know he plans on proposing this year...but some days I just get emotional about it ...

Just come and vent here! it''s what I do and it helps!

M~

 

[caligal]

LIW unite!! Hee hee, much like the Wondertwins... except there are more of us. I wish you all were within driving distance for coffee... but we''ll have to do with some virtual java while we chat online.

So, YES it is COMPLETELY normal to have up and down moments during this waiting process. My emotional range has greatly increased during my waiting period, and like Sumbride I feel like a big lid has been slapped over me while I process on the inside. I mean- heck, the guy can only handle so much conversation about this topic right?

I''ve been told we''ll look back on this stage fondly... I hope so! I''ve been on the LIW list for over a year now (we didn''t talk timeline until a few months when I was on this site and I learned my stay was going to be MUCH longer than I had thought)- and I guess chatting here has been a HUGE reliever on the stress. Somehow taking back my time and doing more stuff with girlfriends has helped me too. Good luck- and hang with us LIWs in the meantime.

 

[akw94]

Thanks ladies! Just to point out my completely emotional state, I''m teary-eyed just from reading your wonderful responses. I''m glad it''s normal. And I wish I could talk about it w/him too. I rarely talk about how I feel about the waiting w/him. Sometimes we talk about marriage and he knows I''m upset about our living situation, but I''ve managed to keep this to myself, since I know all the ring talk was getting to him. It is sooo hard sometimes. I really want to talk more about it too, but I don''t want him to feel rushed or pushed. I think it''s important that he takes his time...w/in reason of course. The crazy thing is, some days I feel absolutely fine w/us not being engaged. What a rollercoaster right now.
Gotta run now but thank you so much for the responses. See you ladies tomorrow.

Thanks so much for being there!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

haha, we all go through this stuff. It''s crazy as heck to most, but completely understandable to us, given all the changes and hopes and anticipation that go into that *next* step.

Good luck, and no, you''re not insane. If you are, at least you''re in good company with a boat load of other nutty girls!

 

[biokatie]

I am the SAME way. Today is a good day though

 

[galeteia]

Amen, sistahs!

Lately I''ve been feeling like an ultra-bouncy rubber ball in a very very small room... Elation to despair within seconds. Oy. I figure it''s because this is such a huge step in our lives, and a big decision... and it''s NOT in our hands! The loss of control over something that big makes for a rocky, emotional me. And for the other LIWs, it seems!

 

[robbie3982]

Dixie, I think you just described everyone on the LIW list

. We''re all here for you whenever you need to vent about anything.

 

[bee*]

I have another 11 months until we go to NY and even pick out the ring so at this stage Im not too bad. I was a lot worse a couple of months ago but I just got it into my head that theres nothing I can do about it till then and plus I got accepted into college so that has taken up a lot of my time trying to organise everything. I can only imagine what I will be like for the month after I finish college for the year and before we go to NY.

 

[Cailet]

Date: 7/24/2006 5:15:02 PM
Author: sumbride

Date: 7/24/2006 5:08:06 PM
Author:dixie94
Does anyone else ever feel like one minute they are fine and the next, not handling things nearly so well?

You just described me in a nutshell. I''m an emotional trainwreck these days. There are nights when I want him to leave the house so I can have some time alone, nights when I complain that he''s in the basement watching tv instead of hanging out with me, nights when everything is perfect, but many more nights where everything is perfect EXCEPT that I''m his GF and not his FI.... I don''t know what to do with myself. I''m usually much more together emotionally, but this whole thing has just made a mess out of me and he''s noticed it too, which I think makes it worse because he wants me to feel better but he doesn''t want it to change his ''plan''. And then I don''t want him to know why I''m upset because he''ll tell me I''m being impatient or that I just have to trust him, but it''s weird for me to keep things from him... he''s my best friend, I tell him (almost) everything, and to have to put a lid on my emotions just to maintain his ''plan''... it''s so hard on me! which is why he''d better hurry it up, right??? We LIW have to stick together.

HA! I am right there with you. This LIW ride is definitely a bumpy roller coaster.
At first telling myself -"don''t think about it - you will be engaged by the end of the year" helped a lot. Now it could help for a second and send me over the edge the next (am I really going to have to wait till the end of the year?!?). I think it is definitely the lack of control that does it the most to me - I''m such a planner / researcher that it kills me to have little to no part in this!!

 

[akw94]

Thanks everyone! It really is good to have PS to come to. It is funny how these feelings are so unique that many others don''t quite get it. I also have a friend who seems to really like the old-fashioned, woman has no input, barely knows an engagement is coming, type of things so the couple times I''ve talked to her haven''t been so helpful. I guess for me it''s the control thing too. I just don''t get the whole, huge secret thing. I know, I know, how often has this topic been on PS.... But it bugs me some days. We are getting married, but we aren''t making the decision to get married. It''s all on him. Yuck.
Not sure I''ll look on the process fondly, but it''s a nice idea.

I think I''ll enjoy the proposal and engagement but the actual waiting, I''ve never been good at that. Don''t get me wrong, I certainly enjoy the time w/my bf, but the actual feelings that I''m feeling, I could do w/o those! I think I''m also feeling grumpy this morning so that probably doesn''t help.

I think you guys are also right that b/c this is such a big step, that brings a lot of emotionalness (um..not sure if that''s a word). Never having been married before or never having been in a relationship where I would''ve married the guy, these are new feelings for me. I think change is always tough for me, and I''ve never experienced change that I couldn''t do much about. Usually, I''m the one planning something and preparing, etc... For awhile, I was doing some pre-wedding planning but I''d rather do it once engaged. Although last night I did go through some magazines pages that I had torn out and that was fun.

Ah well, at least we have each other.

That really makes a difference.

"Lately I''ve been feeling like an ultra-bouncy rubber ball in a very very small room... Elation to despair within seconds."
That''s a great way of putting it!! Who knew that such a good time in my relationship could also drive me so crazy??

 

[sumbride]

Hey Dixie -

I''ve recommended this a few times on the boards, but go get and read "The Conscious Bride". It deals with the emotions of transition and WHY you feel the way you do, as well as reassuring you that you''re SUPPOSED to feel that way. It really helped me. It''s aimed at newly engaged women, but honestly, I think that''s because most women don''t typically go through the LIW stage... we''re ahead of the game on emotions. It really helped me feel better about my emotions and know that I''m not losing it.

Sum

 

[akw94]

Thanks for the suggestion! Reading a good book always makes me feel better and maybe this will help me control my emotions a tad bit. And I already planned to go to a book store today so that''s perfect timing.

Thanks!

Something I see as sort of odd is that some women don''t go through this stage. Do they really have no idea the guy is going to propose? Have they never talked about marriage? Is it just not a big deal to some? I''m confused about that! At some point I was talking to my bf about this and he seemed to think it was normal for the girl to have no idea that a proposal was coming. Really?? Sure, I don''t know the date or month of the proposal, but I do know it''s coming and w/in a relative amount of time. Maybe I am just control-crazy. Does anyone else wonder about this?

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 7/25/2006 10:26:47 AM
Author: dixie94
Not sure I''ll look on the process fondly, but it''s a nice idea.

I think I''ll enjoy the proposal and engagement but the actual waiting, I''ve never been good at that. Don''t get me wrong, I certainly enjoy the time w/my bf, but the actual feelings that I''m feeling, I could do w/o those! I think I''m also feeling grumpy this morning so that probably doesn''t help.

From an LIW graduate...I 10000% identify with everything you''re saying, and I felt EXACTLY the same way! But honestly, I don''t really remember that now other than when I''m reading current LIW threads. What I remember is that feeling of anticipation, of having an exciting secret. Of having an awful day and then smiling secretly to myself--but at least I know we''ll be getting engaged sometime soon, that someone loves me that much! There really is something special (IN RETROSPECT ONLY!

) about that pre-engagement time, so even though I shrugged and thought people were crazy for telling me to "enjoy that time" it really is the only time you''re walking around with such a huge exciting piece of impending news you''ll soon get to spring on everyone! (Hehe or maybe when you first find out you''re pregnant it''s like that too...) So I''m not going to tell you to enjoy this time, but I AM going to say keep telling yourself, "I will look back on this fondly" no matter how bizarre it seems at the moment. Remind yourself that someone DOES want to marry you, and how many people would kill for a relationship like that, even if it does involve some waiting. Okay that''s all I''ve got for now!

 

[aquarius_ser]

ALB, you are 100% correct.... I''ve been trying to tell myself the same thing for weeks. To enjoy this time in my life, that I''ll have exciting news to tell everyone soon, that I''ll have a nice rock on my hand soon, etc...

Some days it works and some days it doesn''t!

I think I''ll print out your response and post it to my monitor so everytime I regress to my impatient & grumpy behavior, I can re-read it.

 

[sk8rjen]

We''ve all had days where we thought we should probably be committed -- to the nuthouse, not our guys!! If you ever feel like it, go back and read some of my threads -- I''ve had more ups and downs since last November than most people deal with, and I''m not proud of it, but I just don''t deal well with anxiety. I was even weepy and emotional (and briefly really angry) the MORNING OF MY PROPOSAL. Thank goodness he loves me and understood that it was b/c I wanted us to be together, committed and planning our future. I suppose he could of assumed I hated him some days! Everyone here will talk you off of the ledge whenever you feel like that --- as you can see, most of us have been there and I think that''s how most of us found this place to begin with! Good luck and hugs!

jen

 

[akw94]

Albi, thanks for sharing! I really appreciate your point of view and perspective can be a good thing. I think Aquarius is right, I may need to print that out and re-read often..like right now!
My bf is wonderful, and I am so excited about our future together, and I do enjoy each moment we have.
The waiting just sucks!! I''m hoping that once our living situation gets worked out, I will not feel quite so crazy and over-whelmed all the darned time. I guess sometimes I just feel stuck and there''s absolutely nothing I can do to get out. I don''t like waiting for someone else to change my life; it makes me feel helpless. That''s when I start to second guess how he feels. Not a good thing.
Ok, time to re-read your post!

Thank you!

 

[Starset]

Can you imagine if there were a GUP thread (Gentlemen Under Pressure)? Guys would be commiserating with each other.....

"It''s like everytime she gets a chance she wants to talk about ''the ring."

"I know what you mean, bro. This commercial came on tv and my gf started quizzing me on my knowledge of the 4Cs and how important cut is. Then she started rambling something about a OEC or was it an OMC...all I know is OMG!!!"

"Dude, it''s like we have the same gf. She''s always wanting me to tell her WHEN it''s going to happen. Like not precisely, but she''ll ask, ''is it in the next 3 months? 6 months? do you promise to do it this year? I just keep telling her, Chill babe. I love you and I want to marry you and it will happen soon. Then she''ll mumble something about boy soon. I don''t know."

"Yeah and she''s so moody, too. One day she''s like ''I can''t wait to call you my fiance'' and then a few days later she''s moping around the house because one of her friends just got engaged and something about it being hard to be happy for her cause when is it going to be my turn. Women, I just don''t understand them sometimes."

 

[SoonIHope]

Hehehe, glad I could help Aquarius & Dixie!

It makes me giggle to think people might be posting my words on their monitors!!!

 

[akw94]

Date: 7/25/2006 11:39:42 AM
Author: Starset
Can you imagine if there were a GUP thread (Gentlemen Under Pressure)? Guys would be commiserating with each other.....

That was funny! Thanks for the laugh!

 

[sumbride]

Starset- I''m CRACKING UP!!! I wish we could nominate posts for "Best of" because that would surely get it!!! AWESOME!

 

[akw94]

Date: 7/25/2006 11:36:50 AM
Author: sk8rjen
We''ve all had days where we thought we should probably be committed -- to the nuthouse, not our guys!! If you ever feel like it, go back and read some of my threads -- I''ve had more ups and downs since last November than most people deal with, and I''m not proud of it, but I just don''t deal well with anxiety. I was even weepy and emotional (and briefly really angry) the MORNING OF MY PROPOSAL. Thank goodness he loves me and understood that it was b/c I wanted us to be together, committed and planning our future. I suppose he could of assumed I hated him some days! Everyone here will talk you off of the ledge whenever you feel like that --- as you can see, most of us have been there and I think that''s how most of us found this place to begin with! Good luck and hugs!

jen

Jen, it is nice to hear that I''m not alone. I don''t think I deal that well w/anxiety either. I rarely express it to anyone though. He really doesn''t know what I''m feeling and attributes most of my emotional state to me not selling my place yet. While that is a big strain on me, part of me had kinda, sorta hoped he would propose before we lived together. I''m about 99.9% positive that won''t happen, and I didn''t even realize part of me wanted it to happen until us living together came closer. There''s so many thoughts going through my head at any given moment, it''s almost safer for me NOT to tell him much...he''d be very confused or upset himself if I let out too much. But b/c I tell him everything else, it''s a tough one not to talk about. This weekend I did ask him if he saw us getting married in the next 2 years (which was our original timeframe) and he said that is what he''d like to happen. But other than that, I rarely bring up rings/proposal/marriage much anymore.
I hope I don''t have too many days of needing to be talked off that ledge, but the last couple weeks have been a little crazy.
Thanks so much for the responses everyone! It really helps.

 

[akw94]

Ok, I think I''m on a down today. Boy, I am crying at everything these days! I have got to find a way to hold it together. Anyone have suggestions?
Yesterday, my bf and I were talking about joining a gym together, which I plan to join b/c it has after-school care for my son. I said they have a family membership that would probably be cheaper, especially for him. He says, no, we''re not a family so we can''t do that. I know he meant in the legal sense but that hurt. I even called him back to say that I didn''t feel family just meant being married. He, of course, said that we were only talking about the legal sense and that''s the only way he meant it but it still made me feel bad. I am positive that this is a product of my emotional state b/c I know he didn''t mean anything by his statement and he is so much more matter of fact than I am.
Really, am I going to feel like this until he proposes??? That could be months, heck, it could be 2007 or 2008 for all I know.
If we don''t move in together soon, I''m not feeling too positive about my mental state..

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, I''m sorry you''re having a bad day. I probably would''ve gotten upset in that situation also. Sometimes things hurt even if they weren''t meant to.

As far as moving in together goes, I know I was definitely more of a basket case before we moved in. I still have my days sometimes, but not nearly like before. I''ve found that one thing that helps me to calm down is to feel like I''m making progress.

First it was moving in together. Then it was talking about the ring. Then it was picking out the ring. Right now it''s my bf going to see it for the first time since it''s been finished and making his first payment on it since the down payment. As long as I have something in the near future to look forward to, I feel pretty good. I think I''m set for at least a little while since we have some stuff coming up.

Do you think that maybe you guys could pick a time to go looking at rings? Even if you''re not going to make a final decision together, it would be something to look forward to that shows that this process really is in motion and it would also help to show him what you like.

 

[Mandarine]

Sorry you''re feeling like that Dixie...I can totally relate as it is things like this that bother me!

M~

 

[akw94]

Thanks ladies!
Mandarine, sometimes I feel silly for letting the little stuff bother me so much, but it does. Sometimes I wish he would give me a little more reassurance that he feels as I do. He could''ve easily thrown out there that although this is the legal definition, he feels like this... On the other hand, I feel like I shouldn''t need that reassurance as often. Oh brother.... This is what I mean about my emotions messing with me!
We did have lunch this afternoon which was nice. Seeing him generally eases my frustration but I wish it was more often.
Robbie, I completely agree about the need to make progress. That''s partly why I''m going so crazy. I feel like our progress is stumped b/c my place isn''t selling. We found a place to live, put in a bid, it was accepted but then lost it b/c I didn''t have an offer on my place. That''s really when I began getting upset so often. That was a big step for me, not just a move but a step in our relationship. I have other things that I planned to do once we moved in so it feels like life is on hold. Not a good feeling for me.
As far as ring shopping, I''m staying away from that topic w/him. I''ve showed him what I want and he had interest to go ring shopping and then he felt it wasn''t necessary b/c somehow he knew what I like. After he told me that, I went looking w/my mom and gave him a better idea. Now, I''m just letting it be since I don''t anticipate him buying until after we move in together and he won''t give me any real hints as to when. We have agreed that we''d be married before moving out of state, which will be in 2008.
It would be nice if he''d be a little more forthcoming w/info!!

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 7/28/2006 2:49:01 PM
Author: dixie94
Thanks ladies!
Mandarine, sometimes I feel silly for letting the little stuff bother me so much, but it does. Sometimes I wish he would give me a little more reassurance that he feels as I do. He could''ve easily thrown out there that although this is the legal definition, he feels like this... On the other hand, I feel like I shouldn''t need that reassurance as often. Oh brother.... This is what I mean about my emotions messing with me!
We did have lunch this afternoon which was nice. Seeing him generally eases my frustration but I wish it was more often.
Robbie, I completely agree about the need to make progress. That''s partly why I''m going so crazy. I feel like our progress is stumped b/c my place isn''t selling. We found a place to live, put in a bid, it was accepted but then lost it b/c I didn''t have an offer on my place. That''s really when I began getting upset so often. That was a big step for me, not just a move but a step in our relationship. I have other things that I planned to do once we moved in so it feels like life is on hold. Not a good feeling for me.
As far as ring shopping, I''m staying away from that topic w/him. I''ve showed him what I want and he had interest to go ring shopping and then he felt it wasn''t necessary b/c somehow he knew what I like. After he told me that, I went looking w/my mom and gave him a better idea. Now, I''m just letting it be since I don''t anticipate him buying until after we move in together and he won''t give me any real hints as to when. We have agreed that we''d be married before moving out of state, which will be in 2008.
It would be nice if he''d be a little more forthcoming w/info!!

Are we dating the same guy!!!?????????????????

It''s so frustrating some times....and I know you know he loves you and wants the same things, but it''s frustrating sometimes the way they act!!!!!!!!....

I only see my BF during the weekends and sometimes during the week. Right now we haven''t seen each other for like 2 weeks because my family is in twon and I''ve been spending time with them. We both miss each other so we''ve been getting grumpy, which doesn''t help!!!..

Sometimes I think this is a great phase in our relationship and I enjoy it, sometimes I feel like I can''t wait for this phase to be over with!!!!!!!!!

Anyway hang in there and always feel free to come and vent here!

M~

 

[akw94]

I''m sorry it''s been 2 weeks for you! Can''t he come hang out w/the family too so that at least you get to see each other? That would make me pretty grumpy too. I don''t even have that excuse and look at me.

Oh well, I feel a little better now letting out the frustration. Thanks!


"Sometimes I think this is a great phase in our relationship and I enjoy it, sometimes I feel like I can''t wait for this phase to be over with!!!!!!!!!"
I absolutely agree with this! Wouldn''t it be nice not to feel both ways w/in the same few minutes.

We are going to a b&b in a couple weeks (the same weekend we were supposed to close on our new place), and I just can''t wait! Boy am I ready for a break.

 

[Mandarine]

Ditto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He''s actually coming tonight and staying for the weekend! Last weekend is was pretty much a girls weekend with my sisters (although my little nephews were here too!

). This weekend my BIL is here so we''re all hanging out...finally!

I need a vacation too!! (with him ONLY!)

M~