Upset with my “best friend” and her reaction to my engagement

[fieryred33143]

When she announced she got engaged I was beyond excited. I stood on the phone with her for an hour talking about the engagement details, we cried together and got all excited about wedding planning. Now, I know I should not have expected the same from her but dang, her reaction was a little sour.

First I tell her how it happened and she immediately jumps in to “that is so funny, that’s just like what my FI would do” and 15 minutes later we had relived her entire engagement story (I never finished the details of mine).

Then I say let’s meet up for lunch. She grabs my hand to see the ring, says “I’m so jealous, yours sparkles more” and then goes on and on about how she plans to upgrade to a better (and larger) stone.

No problem. I took a female coworker with me and while eating the coworker starts to ask me about my wedding plans to which my best friend jumps in and says “no, no you cannot start talking wedding plans until mine is over and done with.” This part really upset me. She got engaged in September/October of last year. Her wedding was supposed to be in November of this year. She’s done zero planning despite all the crap she sends me to do. Now, she has to postpone until March of next year and has the nerve to tell me that I can’t plan mine until hers is over?

She then proceeds to tell me that I should make sure he goes through with his Key West engagement plan to replace the original engagement story because “it’ll sound better.”

Sound better? To whom?

So the whole thing left me a little peeved (any suggestions as to where the attitude is coming from would be greatly appreciated LOL). I guess I should know better but I have seriously done a lot for this girl and would think she would at least make an effort to pretend. I’m also bending over backwards for her wedding and am doing it out of my heart. I’m thinking that I’ll help her with the wedding plans because I’ve made a commitment to but after that I’m going to start distancing myself. I love her dearly and it hurts to sort of separate myself from her like that but she’s too much to deal with.

Thanks for letting me vent LOL

 

[sunnyd]

Ick. What a bunch of crap - you can't plan until she's done?! I think that says it all. She doesn't want you 'stealing her thunder'. Is she usually kind of a mememe person?

ETA - durr, sorry this is happening to you during what should be a happy exciting time! I loved your engagement story! It's yours and nothing could make it better. I guess some people don't have the gene that lets you be happy for others without reminding them of how happy you should be for them too...

 

[Haven]

Oh boy, she doesn''t sound like a friend at all. A friend should be overjoyed and supportive of you, not jealous and dismissive.

I''m so sorry. This is an exciting time in your life, and I hope you surround yourself with people who are as happy for you as I am!

 

[FrekeChild]

Hon, she is NOT your best friend. I wouldn''t even consider a person who acts like that to be a friend.

I think I''d stop helping with any of her plans, and cut off all contact with her-but that''s me...

 

[Izzy03]

Oh, that stinks. She has been engaged for a while now and the attention on her has fizzled. Sounds like she still wants to be in the spotlight. Personally, I wouldn''t confront her because she will probably feel bad and get defensive, but you could always shut her up with a quick "Geez, I thought you would be a little happier for me" and let it go.

I think everyone gets some negative (jealous) reactions when they announce their engagement, but too bad it had to be from your BFF. Just focus on the positive reactions!

 

[blondebunny]

First, I loved the way your FI proposed.. it was soo sweet and cute how excited he was!!
Second, the only thing I can think of as to why she would be that way is maybe she is just really jealous about your ring (who wouldnt be its amazing )
Third, I would say something to her, that is just absolutely RUDE IMO. You have the right to start planning your wedding WHENEVER you want..maybe just tell her you ARE in fact going to start planning yours (because you dont want to push it back like hers) and that you wont be able to help as much.. Is she going to help with YOUR wedding?? It doesnt sound like it. Or tell her ya''ll should plan together to kill 2 birds with one stone??

Man if someone said that to me, Id just laugh and be like your funny one... hahaha

 

[diamondfan]

First of all, you are allowed to do what you want surrounding your engagement. there is no such thing as ME FIRST THEN YOU ARE ALLOWED. Heck, just because she says it does not mean it is true OR that you have to abide by her dumb rules.

She is obviously super competitive. And I would not give her the chance to keep dissing you. If you really feel you must be of help to her, do it, but keep your distance, and do not talk about your plans with her or she might "borrow" them. She sounds like an unhappy wench to me, and someone who must have it all be about them all the time...she is head of the selfish channel, all her, all the time...

 

[dec2410]

first...congrats again on your engagement!!

what a bummer! you would only hope and EXPECT that your BEST FRIEND would be nothing but overjoyed by the news of your engagement!! honestly, i got really peeved at your "friend''s" reaction. i would have a serious talk with that little lady.

 

[fieryred33143]

She’s always been very selfish and I sort of put up with it because I didn’t have anything else going on. She and I lived together for a few years so when her channel was on, as DF said

, I sort of just watched. All I was doing was going to school, working, and partying…no real issues in my own life. I think I may have created a monstrous relationship with her where she can unload all her crap and not take any of mine.

I guess I’ve stuck around in the friendship because I believe everyone should have that person they turn to when they need help. No one should be left alone and she doesn’t have family here so I try to be there for her but now that I have my own stuff going on, it’s a little harder to deal with. We''ll see how this whole thing unfolds. I didn''t want to confront her on her comments because my coworker was there and I didn''t want to make an awkward situation for her (the coworker). We''ll see if I get the nerve to mention something to her.

 

[diamondfan]

it is nice that you are so kind to her, but it is not really nice to be on the receiving end of crap. she has no family and you are trying to fill a void but are getting dissed in the process.

Continue to be a kind person but do not sit still for abuse.

And I am sure a moment will present itself where you can tell her how you feel about her comments and attitude. I would say it very matter of factly so she cannot turn things on you.

 

[lala2332]

fieryred....it must be crappy best friend week...haha!

I''m so sorry that your friend isn''t being much of a friend. It def. sucks the fun and excitement out of such a wonderful time in your life.

Congratulations on your engagement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would just not talk to her about wedding stuff. Keep those conversations for your friends (and us) who are excited for you! We are always excited for you!!!!! Why can''t friends act like friends? Is it that hard to be excited? I don''t understand why women, who count on their friends so much, then turn into frienemies. What has programmed us to be so competative and mean to the same girls we cry with? I just don''t understand.

I''m also projecting my friend issues to your situation...sorry! But at the end of the day, maybe we need to understand that that "best friend" may just be a fun going out friend, or a go see a movie friend, not the total package friend.

 

[princesss]

Oh man, you SO don''t need this right now! Be happy! Be excited! Screw anybody who tries to bring you down!

Seriously, though. This woman is not acting the way a friend would or should. You go on and do what makes you and your FI (how exciting!) happy.

And as for the comment about how she thinks he ought to re-do his proposal so it sounds better...

I thought yours was perfect. You thought yours was perfect. Your FI was so excited he couldn''t follow through on a plan he made to impress you. He was so excited he just HAD to propose. Perfect

 

[HollyS]

If you "love her dearly", get to the bottom of why she is doing this. Have a heart to heart with her and be honest about how she hurt your feelings. If she cannot see your point of view, or gets angry instead, CUT HER OFF. Period. DON''T help her plan her wedding. If she cannot be happy for you, then she isn''t your friend.

I know it sounds very black and white, and a mite harsh. But the truth is, life is much too short to accomodate ''frenemies''.

 

[Elegant]

Wow, I hate when people make things all about them. So sorry to hear that. It's an eye opener, isn't it?

I honestly don't know if confronting her about it will do any good. Like you said, she has always been selfish. People rarely change.

That's why I love PS...No matter what, people here are so supportive - so you really don't need to turn to people like her anymore...unless you need flesh people support

. J/K...

I think you have the right idea about keeping your commitment (only if you really want to, otherwise...) to her and distancing yourself. If she can't be happy for you on this VERY special occasion...when will she...never.

I am so happy for you and I think we all are! And I agree with the poster who said to just not talk to her about your wedding plans anymore - she just might "borrow" an idea of yours and make it hers before you get the chance...

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/4/2008 7:35:22 PM
Author: Elegant
Wow, I hate when people make things all about them. So sorry to hear that. It''s an eye opener, isn''t it?


I honestly don''t know if confronting her about it will do any good. Like you said, she has always been selfish. People rarely change.


That''s why I love PS...No matter what, people here are so supportive - so you really don''t need to turn to people like her anymore...unless you need flesh people support

. J/K...


I think you have the right idea about keeping your commitment (only if you really want to, otherwise...) to her and distancing yourself. If she can''t be happy for you on this VERY special occasion...when will she...never.


I am so happy for you and I think we all are! And I agree with the poster who said to just not talk to her about your wedding plans anymore - she just might ''borrow'' an idea of yours and make it hers before you get the chance...

Oh man, yeah! Fiery, do you watch The Office? It could be like when Phyllis took all of Pam''s ideas for her wedding. Eerie...(and not nearly as hilarious)

 

[ladypirate]

Man, that sucks. I''m sorry that she''s not happy for you--perhaps address it with her one on one? Something like, "I feel like perhaps you are not as excited about my engagement as I was about yours--I''d love you to be involved, but if you don''t want to be, please let me know and I will back off."

Or maybe that''s too weird--I''m the super blunt type, so I usually go for that approach.

 

[Elegant]

Date: 8/4/2008 7:59:30 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 8/4/2008 7:35:22 PM

Author: Elegant

Wow, I hate when people make things all about them. So sorry to hear that. It''s an eye opener, isn''t it?

I honestly don''t know if confronting her about it will do any good. Like you said, she has always been selfish. People rarely change.

That''s why I love PS...No matter what, people here are so supportive - so you really don''t need to turn to people like her anymore...unless you need flesh people support

. J/K...

I think you have the right idea about keeping your commitment (only if you really want to, otherwise...) to her and distancing yourself. If she can''t be happy for you on this VERY special occasion...when will she...never.

I am so happy for you and I think we all are! And I agree with the poster who said to just not talk to her about your wedding plans anymore - she just might ''borrow'' an idea of yours and make it hers before you get the chance...

Oh man, yeah! Fiery, do you watch The Office? It could be like when Phyllis took all of Pam''s ideas for her wedding. Eerie...(and not nearly as hilarious)

THAT was a funny episode...yeah, like she stole her idea for the dress and flowers or something like that?

 

[princesss]

I think it was the whole thing...same invitation, same monogram, same dress...craziness!

 

[tberube]

oh forget her. stop talking to her about your engagement and save it for someone who is a friend. Seriously - sometimes you find out who your real friends AREN''T when you go through a happy time in your life. Unfortunate and ironic, but true.

 

[choro72]

Boy, it sounds like your friend is subconsciously worried that you are going to take away the spotlight now that you are engaged. You are a very patient person...

 

[radiantquest]

i hate to say bad things about her, but really, has she always been a little on the snotty side or is this behavior new? i think that you need to tell her how you feel. if she really is a friend at all then she will understand. i dont even know you and i understand where you are coming from!!

 

[Blair138]

Date: 8/4/2008 9:39:15 PM
Author: choro72
Boy, it sounds like your friend is subconsciously worried that you are going to take away the spotlight now that you are engaged. You are a very patient person...

I have to agree with Choro-I would say if she''s telling you not to talk about your wedding until hers is over then she is selfish-is she by any chance an only child? I would give it a bit and have a serious talk with her-if you do not want to salvage the relationship then I would just ditch her-I would die if one of my ''friends'' did anything like that to me...Oh and I wouldn''t talk to her about any of your wedding plans-you don''t need her stealing any of your ideas.

 

[appletini]

Date: 8/4/2008 9:52:42 PM
Author: Blair138

Date: 8/4/2008 9:39:15 PM
Author: choro72
Boy, it sounds like your friend is subconsciously worried that you are going to take away the spotlight now that you are engaged. You are a very patient person...

I have to agree with Choro-I would say if she''s telling you not to talk about your wedding until hers is over then she is selfish-is she by any chance an only child? I would give it a bit and have a serious talk with her-if you do not want to salvage the relationship then I would just ditch her-I would die if one of my ''friends'' did anything like that to me...Oh and I wouldn''t talk to her about any of your wedding plans-you don''t need her stealing any of your ideas.

I am an only child and I never behaved like this. I think she is just a bridezilla and also not a true BFF.

 

[honey22]

I''m sorry sweetie that your friend is putting a dampner on your special time. I say STUFF HER! That''s beyond stoopid that you have to wait to start your planning, how crazy. Come on over to BWW and start planning with us - we want to hear EVERYTHING!!!

I think some people just can''t cope with not being the centre of attention. She clearly sounds jealous of your ring, possibly your engagement story, as she seems so keen to change it, and maybe even a little jealous of your relationship maybe?! Who knows, but she has no right to rain on your parade.

Enjoy this incredibly special time. You will never get this back so make sure you enjoy it. It''s your party, you can cry if you want to!!

 

[meresal]

Uggh... bummer. I''m so sorry to hear about this. I''ll just agree with everyone else.

Enjoy your engagement, and if it means avoiding her as much as possible, then so be it!! I''m more than happy to hear about ALL your pre-wedding affairs!!

 

[gwendolyn]

I have a friend like this, and although I couldn''t cut her out of my life completely due to the fact that she met her husband through me and my friends, I''ve distanced myself from her because I just got to the point where I stopped trying to get her to care about my life the way I cared about hers. Like you, I bent over backwards for her wedding, and got no thanks in return because she just has grown to expect me to continually give while she continually takes. So, I''ve stopped giving. The biggest bummer for me about that is that I still hurt from all the years I invested in our friendship that essentially amounted to nothing because it was never a two way street with her. So, it''s not an ideal fix, but it''s what''s been letting me handle it. If you can''t just cut her out of your life for whatever reason, please do try to get some space from her.

If you ask her for help with your wedding planning (which I don''t I''d do in your place) and she has a big stink about it, find other people who will help you and be excited and supportive of you the way they should be. What a wonderful time of your life! Your friends should be jumping for joy out of happiness for your happiness, not trying to contain your wedding excitement or when you can plan. Can you imagine it the other way around, if you had gotten engaged first and told your friend not to start planning her wedding until after yours? Not a chance! You''re a good friend, and good friends don''t do that. Maybe, when you talk to her next, you should ask her how she''d have felt if the situation was reversed. Maybe that will help open her eyes to how she is treating you.

I''m sorry you''re hurting. It''s heartbreaking when your best friend turns out to be not much of a friend at all. *HUGS* I hope you feel better soon, sweetness.

 

[FutureMrsMurph]

Fiery- congrats on your engagement! Your ring is gorgeous and your proposal was so totally sweet.

With this "best friend" issue- I can see how it might be a little difficult for you to just cut her off all together especially since you are in the midst of helping to plan (or by the sound of it- outright planning) her wedding and you''re a nice person so you don''t want to leave her high and dry. I agree with your plan to just sort of get through her big day and then distancing yourself from the whole thing.

I can relate a little to the friend jealousy and the "me first then you" attitude. I am not yet engaged but I think that I will be in the next few months and I have a very close friend who is getting married next Memorial Day weekend. I am so genuinely happy for her and for her wedding (which I am in). I have started to map my own wedding in my mind and I hope to get married in late September/early October of 2009. When I told her this her response was "right after mine??" (followed by a sort of shocked/appalled facial expression)- NO! NOT RIGHT AFTER YOURS! 4-5 MONTHS AFTER YOURS! was what I was thinking. So apparently we aren''t allowed to share the same anniversary year?? Weird...

Anyway- my point is that you''re not alone in the weird friend jealousy stuff. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this situation and I encourage you to surround yourself with friends who are truly happy for you and your FI. You''ll always knows that your PS friends (I know I''m new but I''ve been lurking and following your story) will be more than happy to share in your joy and lend and ear (or eye?) to hear your wedding details.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 8/4/2008 7:29:21 PM
Author: HollyS
If you ''love her dearly'', get to the bottom of why she is doing this. Have a heart to heart with her and be honest about how she hurt your feelings. If she cannot see your point of view, or gets angry instead, CUT HER OFF. Period. DON''T help her plan her wedding. If she cannot be happy for you, then she isn''t your friend.

I know it sounds very black and white, and a mite harsh. But the truth is, life is much too short to accomodate ''frenemies''.

Ditto to what Holly has said.

 

[diamondfan]

to me, weddings can bring out the worst in even seemingly sane people. If someone tends to be a bit on the jealous side, forget it, this usually sends them over the edge! I am sorry you are seeing it, but if she is the competitive type I am not surprised. Stop giving to her continually and see what happens. Be nice, but do not bend over backward for her.

 

[EmptyLeftHand]

Congrats on the engagement! Beautiful ring and a lovely proposal.

Your friend is clearly not interested in anything or anyone, other than herself.

I think sometimes you can have a long friendship with someone, with a lot of shared experiences but yet there comes a point when there is no more mileage in that relationship. That can be difficult, and often one party realises it before the other. Both of you are now engaged, and so moving into different chapters of your lives, but she seems to think that she is still the main player in both of your lives. IMO,-for what it''s worth, I would crack on with planning your own wedding, taking as little to do with her wedding as possible and telling her absolutely nothing about your own. Maybe come up with a few lines you could say if she asks questions? - polite but non-commital! It sounds as though she is pretty poisonous so really try hard to keep out of her way, and not let her spoil your engagement.